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Blossom

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I Can't live anymore. I feel too bad. I can't deal with it anymore. it's too hard. Everything is wrong and nothing is right. I can't fix anything. I keep doing bad things and I'm sorry. I'm just in the way. everyone would be better off without me. There's no point to my life. I hurt.

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Take care of yourself, Invisible. Is there somewhere you can go, anyone you can go to for help with the hurt? Even a hospital, if it comes to that.

Or can you talk about what hurts, maybe with fewer "everythings" and "nothings", because we both know those are just the depression talking. I don't need to hear from it; my own is vocal enough. Can we hear from you?

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Everything's changing and I can't handle it. The only thing keeping me going was my art class and now that's over and I'm expected to move on to a new college and meet all new people and that scares me. I want all my old friends and tutors back. It makes me sad to know that we'll never be all together in the one class again.

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I know what you mean. I lived in Africa for two years as a kid. Had to leave all my friends, go somewhere they didn't even speak English, make new friends. It was scary, and lonely.

But by the end of that time, I had made friends, even some French speaking kids. And then I had to leave them to go home.

I guess the point is that change can be improvement, too. Will you be taking any art classes in the new school? Is there any chance to meet people before you get to the new college?

And I know that the situation that got you depressed isn't the same as the depression. Are you on any medication, or whatever? Therapist? Family you can talk to?

Sorry about the question barrage. Just thinking maybe it would help you talk about options.

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That's how I feel - lonely. I hate change. Yeah it's an art school aswel. No medication or therapist or family who will listen to me. I've been drinking a lot of alcohol lately aswel

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Oh invisible, I understand that feeling. It can be very hard to shake, that feeling of pointlessness, I'm still not sure how to deal with it. I hate hate change and the unknown. Usually the only time I will start to feel better is when I become comfortable with a new situation and the situation brings me some sort of interest or desire to be there, basically something to look forward to. I know right now everything seems so hopeless, but I'm sure you would agree that usually some time helps? Something will come up, probably at your new school, you will find yourself looking forward to some new activity or class or person. Please give it time, time makes such a difference.

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Eh. I bet the alcohol isn't helping. Do you go out to pubs, anywhere where there are people? You might be able to substitute the people for the drinking. Well, some people can.

And at least you know that when school starts, you'll be doing something you love. Is there any way to get a head start? Go talk to your instructors, take a summer course, do a special project? Basically, what are you doing with your summer?

But if no one else will, we'll listen to you.

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I do stupid things when I drink. I don't drink on my own, just with friends. I find it easier to socialise. I think my drink got spiked in the pub last week but that's a completely different story.. I'm working in a horrible clothes shop where the customers are really rude and I'm trying to work on some art in my spare time but I have no inspiration anymore so that's not really working out. I just feel horrible. My tutor says I can talk to her if I ever need to but I know I'll only freeze up if I do because I'm really bad at talking about stuff. I don't start college until september. that's a looong time away..

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Who doesn't do stupid things when they drink? :-)

That's why I don't recommend it.

At least you have people to go out with; that's good. But if we're going to trade crappy-work stories, I'm going to get depressed, too. :-) I worked in a drug store (chemists) when I was your age. I could trade rude customer stories, if it would help you any.

What would it hurt if you tried to talk to your friends and you froze up? Even if you can't tell them, it's not worse than it is, now. And I guess you don't feel like you can talk to your drinking buddies? How about art museums, or the like? Does it do any good to look at other people's inspirations, if you don't have any, right at the moment?

Basically, try to shake yourself up a bit, so you don't let the depression close you in. Definitely not "shake it off", but try to keep doing little things so it doesn't beat you.

I have to leave for the night soon -- are you going to be okay?

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Mmm, I don't think bad feelings just go away, once they're as big as depression. But is it possible to detach from it, a little bit? Hold it up and look at it and say "that's a bad feeling" and then go do something else?

There's a tendency to turn inward, I know. To tell the world to bugger off while you go hide. But if you can break that tendency, for a few days in a row, sometimes you can make a start back towards the light.

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I've been trying. I tried going shopping, I tried reading I tried doing some art I tried watching tv.,.. Nothing works. I don't mean to sound so negative all the time but I feel desperate.

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Don't worry, depressed people always sound negative. My family complains about me all the time! :-)

I know it's hard. Many people need therapy and/or medication, once it becomes "major" depression. So give yourself a break if you can't cure it by yourself, quickly. I'm curious about when it makes the transition from painful (I know it is) to desperate. I know you've been depressed before. Is it worse? If so, why?

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Hmm, how has not talking to them changed whether you have a point, or not? You're still the same person, you still have the same value you had a couple of weeks ago.

I know; I can't argue you out of this feeling. There is a loss when people leave. You have to grieve, there's no alternative. But the point of friends not really being your family is that you can make new ones. There are people all around; I bet a lot of them would like to be your friend.

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You DO need a real family, Invisible. It must hurt horribly to finally have that feeling with people and to have it all come to an end. It makes so much sense that it feels for you your world is ending.

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I don't know..I'm confused

I don't think I had a point back then either. I had never really felt close to anyone until I started the course and that made me feel happier to have proper relationships with people but now that's gone and all I have is my "real" family who don't even like me. I wish we could choose our family.

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I had to go my own way from my biological family, Invisible. It was very hard, very painful, but it was also something I had to do to live. I've made a family of friends, and eventually I was able to start seeing my brothers again. I am so sorry you are going through this, because I know something of what it's like. :)

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Did you cut contact completely? I just don't know what to do anymore. What if i make a decision and it's the wrong one and everything gets worse than it already is? I wish I had never came home from america..

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