well yeah, but it%s your decision, so go with up. Maybe you're afraid to stay up. Kind of like the longer you stay there the harder it will be when you come down again

Ok, I'll try stay upppppppp^^^^^

I always get really depressed when the effects of the drink start to wear off though......

Oh Blossom, you don't want a life of depending on drink for changing your mood, sweetie. That leads to so much difficulty.

And you don't have to navigate your life by your mood, either. That will certainly wear you out, and make you feel like a yo-yo. There are many more places to go in your brain than that, and they will lead to awesome things!!!

Exercise, meditation, stable relationships, learning how to do something are the things to aim for, even if they seem very far away. Set the timer and try something for 3 minutes. Then the next day for 3.5 minutes..... You are forging a path in your cerebral forest (your brain) that you get to keep!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Amazing treasures await you there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish I didn't have to depend on it but it's all that makes me happy..

You mean that's all that makes you REALLLLLLLY happy, enough to drown out the stuff that makes you sad. That's why people drink. I don't believe that's the only thing that makes you happy. And I know there are other ways to deal with what is making you sad. People all over this site are engaged in that very struggle, sorting that stuff out. You just writing here and being here with us is you working on sorting that stuff out too;)

Right now it really is the only thing that makes me happy. I don't enjoy anything anymore. other things used to make me happy but they don't anymore.

You are sad, I can tell. If that is how you feel, why drown it? Can you have some compassion for yourself feeling sad?

Because it hurts and I don't want to feel it anymore. I don't know how to do that..

Oh sweetie, I know it hurts, believe me:(.

All you have to do is not turn away...........

but then I'll just go on feeling like this all the time for the rest of my life....

No, that isn't how it works. The part of you that is so sad is so alone. You've been turning away from her. You probably learned that from your family. All she needs is for you to not turn away. Don't leave her alone. If you leave her, she will stay like that for the rest of your life!!!!

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be stubborn, but I don't know what I can do to not turn away from myself.. I don't mean to do it..

I so understand!!!! First you need to want to. Then you need to work on feeling safe even though you are approaching those sad feelings. You are safe, because this is you, and you are as brave as a big dog and you do not want to turn away and abandon you!!!! ............you could draw her..............

I do want to! Does me writing here mean i'm not turning away from myself right now?

YES!!!!!!

what else can I do to not abandon me?

When you start to feel sad, you need some options other than RUN!!!! HERE SHE COMES!!!!!!!!.

How are you with mindful breathing? Are you able to tune into yourself breathing?

I'm not very good at mindful breathing. I get distracted easily..

I know it seems like I'm changing subjects, but there's a reason to develop this ability. Do you want to try it just briefly? I'll keep it very simple.

Breathe in, counting to 4. Breathe out, counting to 4. Observe while you are doing this. Repeat this until you can observe something in how your body is feeling, what the sensations are, and that they change. It won't take long at all.

I feel calmer and a little sleepy:)

Good, you are observing how you feel in your body! Now, can you agree to approaching the you that is sad just for a little moment?

ok, how do I do that?

You could breathe in counting 4, breathe out counting 4, just like you were doing, and then say to yourself that you want to welcome your sad self, you just want to say hi, maybe even that you are sorry for turning away from her.....If you feel confused, or that you can't feel anything, that is OK, just do the breathing in breathing out counting to 4, until you can feel that. Then try one more time, keeping that observer that is aware of how you feel in your body.