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it's bad...to be good?



hmmmm. and re-hmmmm.

Is he interested, not interested? Well, maybe we'll never know. Today, we were supposed to go to the lake but he just called to cancel. Well, I suppose he has a good reason, but he was all cold at the end of the line. There was an evacuation notice on his door this morning. And so, he's on the stand by until who knows he said, to make sure he can get his stuff out of the house if push comes to shove. Fair enough. Maybe I am insensitive but I would truly prefer if he would have said 'sorry, would love to see you but I can't today... I'll let you know as soon as possible..." He kind of did but was a bit colder than this. I was going to ask if there was something I could do to help... I guess I can't lift stuff with the shoulder, but I would have helped... I think.

But, I get this feeling in the back of my mind that he may not be strong enough for me. All the little obstacles to us seeing each other make it difficult for me to see full on interest. I don't know what it is... maybe it's age? Maybe it's not the same when you're dating in your mid-thirties as when I was in my 20s'? Maybe guys protect themselves way more at this age, so much so that it's pretty difficult to get something going.

It is very disappointing to me to fell this way and to ponder on this. I will give him another month of try... And then, I guess, if nothing is clearing up... I will let him go. It will hurt [me], for sure. But I can do it now.

I get the feeling that he's still having some turmoil in him that makes him go hot, then cold... Keeping 'options open'...

I feel like I have been pretty naive up to this point with guys. Believing excuses to not see me. So busy... But, I know I can make some room to see someone somehow, at least twice a week, even being busy [of course I am talking about how busy I am now...]. So, I believe it's the same thing for guys, no? Maybe they keep their boundaries more... but to some extent I would imagine it to be the same. And when it didn't 'workout', I would be ready to Think it was 'me'. But now, I feel like I am much more grounded... I have been truly reluctant to blame the guy and his 'problems' before, and readily accusing myself, and my inadequacy for romantic flops... But now, I can see potential problems, much faster.

Surely, it still takes me a while to act upon my intuitions... But I have improved. So this is a not to self.


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ok at best :(

And the Y thing makes me sad. What's Maslow hierarchy? But, btw, he did call that same day at 4pm after he put sprinklers all over his house and garage and move the cars around and pack his things... So it was good, but he said 'he needs a lot of space' so I asked him what he meant, and if that meant he only wanted a 'thing' with me, and he said no, not at all... that he wanted to take 'baby steps'... so still kind of not convinced. although when we were at the pub later that night he was openly caressing my back... PDA... but anyway...

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Maslow is about the heirarchy of priorities... survival needs come first, later come more advanced social skills. It just seems he has to devote a great deal of his energy to meeting basic needs right now. Hope you can take some good care of you in the meantime, whatever your decision is about him :( Is it time for a funny movie?:(

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Well, I know. I don't know what to do. :( I talked to my roommate cuz I wanted a guy's opinion and he was like well, if I am really into someone I would make effort to see her often... If I am not into someone I don't really want her to disrupt my schedule... Sounds like I may be in the second bag. It makes me sad now... I think I like him more than I thought I did. It makes me cry.

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what your roommate says kind of makes sense, but it doesn't necessarily mean that's the way it is with Y. From what you write it seems like he really likes you. I mean if he wasn't in to you why make any effort at all? I mean you really like him, he probably knows that, he seems like a decent guy, why would he lead you on just to hurt you? I don't know, I don't really have any experience here so I may be a little naive, I just don't understand why people hurt people. I am sad for you :(

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I see, it's kind of like with this guy, even if he is a good guy, that doesn't mean that he is able or maybe willing to meet your needs? Or maybe he doesn't know that you want more time and thoughts, maybe he is afraid to call too much, I don't know, I guess the hard part about these things is you're always just guessing. There is no way to know for certain what he's thinking. Is he a little shyer than M maybe?

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I just talked to him now. He doesnt want to see me tomorrow. He said he has some stuff to figure out and he will 'let me know' in a couple of days. So basically, it's over. I just want to cry

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Oh tour! This stuff hurts, I know:(:(. It really does sound like he's got too much of his own troubles to be available to another person. It also sounds like this might be triggering you? We are here for you tour!!!

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ya. I don't know what to do with myself now. All my friends are busy again. Why would you start something with me? Then bring it back on the table that 'you hate jealousy' and 'you need your space', when none of this was an issue to start with??? Honestly. I swear, I didn't do a thing that was out of line with him. This is two sentences that turn me off. So bad. To me it means, you're not important enough, but I still want to keep you in my back pocket, just in case... I dont' want to be the back pocket girl. Been there, done that!

But it's a thing for a person like me... when there's something not so hot, I instantly think I must have done something. I must be wrong in some way. I must change.

But there's nothing wrong with me that is so flagrant and needs attention. Yes, there's things I am working on, but it's not like I am broken anymore. I refuse to feel bad about myself because of rejection.

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Yah, I know. but it's just sad that I can't seem to find someone who's going to be good to me as I would be to them. Sad that I don't have a job. things on the go right now... To me, I wonder if I would go out with a guy who can't work. I could see how that would be scary...

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I know, but still. I am barely ok right now. Yesterday I guess I was not so hot, went out with my friend R to one of her friends, and got a bit inebriated, smoked a lot of cigarettes... got hit on by some disgusting dude... Now I feel awful [physically]...

I feel scary because some of my friends I was talking to about this were reminding me that I don't work. I makes me feel uncomfortable, everytime people ask me what I do.

I tried to do pottery yesterday, but came up with nothing. I was trying to build this little box out of clay and it fell apart.

I want to quit smoking so bad too.

I feel awful

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Ah, one of my favorites: "I know, but still." :-)

Hah. Think how the disgusting dude probably feels. He's still disgusting and has to find someone else to hit on.

Hey, if someone asked me what I do at the moment, I'd be forced to say "not much". I know that your job has a lot of your identity in it, but you can't help being hurt.

I'm sorry you feel so down, hon. Is there anything we can do for you?

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well, just writing to me helps a lot. But I don't know what else. I need a hug and someone to keep my mind off smoking...I am trying to drink lots of water right now and ask myself what would make me feel good right now... rub my shoulders. I need Motivation too I guess... Thanks for asking and you do help already...

I am scared, or anxious right now. I need to eat... haven't eaten all day again. Goodness why do I do this to myself?

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I'll set the girls to poking you if you want. ;-) It'll either keep your mind off smoking or drive you to it, I don't know. I'm sure we could get a massive group hug going, if you don't mind the cyberspace version.

Maybe your roommate would rub your shoulders for you. He seems like a good friend.

Ah, toury, there's not much but time that I know of that will help with a lot of this ...

I'm afraid you do it to yourself because you're human (by which I mean, I do it too). So don't hurry to cure yourself of all of it. Just accept yourself and relax a little.

And don't close yourself off from the people here.

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Ok thanks! Yes all of this would help! I dont' want to close myself of people here that's for sure. I feel like I need people right now... I need an army or something...

My roomate or housemate should I say, he lives upstairs... I dont' see him at all sometimes. I don;t know if he would rub my shoulders... I mean he might think I am coming on to him or something... :( He's a really good guy yah... but I doubt he would want to do that now.... He was on a date yesterday... he was a pshyched...

I want to accept that I need to relax, but my body and lungs feel so bad right now and I feel so addicted to nicotine!!!! It's insane.... I want to stop but feel like I can't. I stop for a few days and then start again full on at any sign of stress.... and I feel sick. my mouth hurts I smoked so much yesterday [i am ashamed to tell about it, but I need to be honest here... It 's the only place I am, and to my closest friends only....otherwise nobody know I smoke so much now....


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Ah tour, ne t'embĂȘtes pas. It'll pass. There's no shame in being human; how many people have been addicted to nicotine?

My mother used to say, in response to threats, "You and whose army?" We've got an army here, hon. Lean on us.

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