Edit/update: seeking out being exposed and shame

[jojojojo]

I for sure am a grower. Basily no penis just foreskin when soft. I have always had issues with it. Being very shy, desperately wanting sex but avoiding women and dating out of fear of word spreading. Even eventually trying to avoid letting my wife see it. But as of recently i have sort of become really excited by people finding out. I am talking about it with my wife and making sure she sees me soft. I mentioned it to 3 old female friends (two more sinace i first posted this), on now multiple occasions. I suddenly am getting a sexual thrill out of people knowing and judging me. It's gotten to the point of where I have to stop myself all the time from telling friends and family. I'm not sure where it came from, But its not healthy. Feeling small has drastically effected my sex life and mental health like most people here. But rarely did I worry about it pusing me towards point of no return mistakes. I have always had sexual fantasies and fetishes I think are based in my SPS but I have contained them to masturbation. Having them bleed over into the real world, outside my control, is scary. My greatest fear being I will expose myself to people. And even if I don't the depression and gut wrenching shame that can come from any of my actions.

[jojojojo]

I apologize for the first sloopy/incomplete post. 

[GoldenBoyX]

On 10/6/2018 at 5:09 PM, jojojojo said:

I for sure am a grower. Basily no penis just foreskin when soft. I have always had issues with it. Being very shy, desperately wanting sex but avoiding women and dating out of fear of word spreading. Even eventually trying to avoid letting my wife see it. But as of recently i have sort of become really excited by people finding out. I am talking about it with my wife and making sure she sees me soft. I mentioned it to 3 old female friends (two more sinace i first posted this), on now multiple occasions. I suddenly am getting a sexual thrill out of people knowing and judging me. It's gotten to the point of where I have to stop myself all the time from telling friends and family. I'm not sure where it came from, But its not healthy. Feeling small has drastically effected my sex life and mental health like most people here. But rarely did I worry about it pusing me towards point of no return mistakes. I have always had sexual fantasies and fetishes I think are based in my SPS but I have contained them to masturbation. Having them bleed over into the real world, outside my control, is scary. My greatest fear being I will expose myself to people. And even if I don't the depression and gut wrenching shame that can come from any of my actions.

I know what you mean. I hated it but exciting being open about it I guess. My girlfriend would mention it sometimes and I hated it but still cathartic in a way. 

[Shrimp Fried Life]

I have those feelings too where all the women I know are aware that I have a small penis. I wonder what it would feel like if it did happen. I'm sure a lot of women wouldn't care. I have wondered if knowing a guy has a small penis effects the way women see you as a person.

[YOTH]

@lifelongvirgin It does, especially if they can see that it bothers you too. Not all women, but most women. I've experienced this exact thing about a year ago when I started working again. Women who were otherwise nice to me or cordial at the very least started to smirk and laugh at me, almost looking at me as if I was less of a human. Which in turn started to bring out the side of me that deals with this type of behaviour. It's a cruel side that bides is time and systematically retaliates in subtle but damaging ways. I didn't want to become that person again or to let that dormant side of myself come to the surface. So I quit. That shitty job wasn't worth the negative energy that'd be required to survive in that environment. But it's important to add that the only women with knowing in this world are women who aren't like that, and there are plenty about. Any woman who isn't so entrenched in her own problems that she can tell her arse from her elbow. Most women, regardless of age can't figure out their own lives, nevermind be compassionate to others. But there are women out there who aren't like that. Have you ever thought about looking for a woman who is a-sexual? Maybe a woman not interested in sex, or would you still like that aspect to be available? 

[Shrimp Fried Life]

No I'm so frustrated being around a woman that much who didn't want to have sex would be hell.

[jojojojo]

Fllowup. Unfortunately I have done it now and one laughed and the other turned red. But i dont think either cared at all. Unfortunately i still hor that huge thrill. I dream of them talking about it, telling my friends. I am masturbating to the event and it makes me fear for the future. The shame and guilt and pain that comes with it does not outweigh the feeling that came with it. I have masturbation issues on their own and this is likely is caught up in them. 

[YOTH]

@lifelongvirgin Fair enough. The offer still stands if you wanna chat over WhatsApp or something. But I hope you do speak to someone, I think you deserve somebody to listen to you, there nobody is more worthy than you are, we all deserve to have that option. 

[YOTH]

@jojojojo It's interesting that you're feeling compelled to do this. I know it must feel terrible afterwards, but is it possible that you're taking some power back, some control? By forcing people to see exactly how you look, you're removing any doubt and in turn this is getting you off? It might be the first time you've had any power over the people who would usually have it over you, and it's a turn on? I'd love to know what your logic is beforehand and whether or not it's changing how you see yourself. This seems like a somewhat unique approach, and if it wasn't for how guilty you're feeling I'd say it was great. As long as you're asking if they want to see it before you show them and not just whipping it out impromptu, I'd say it's worth looking at without the shame to see what you really want from doing it. 

[jojojojo]

@YOTHHonstly, the guilt i feel is for the possible negative results it might yield. I feel no guilt in the act. It feels amazing. I feel bad about the associated risk and what it might do to me or others. Not the people im exposing myself to. I know i should not enjoy it but it love it. And i guess power is some part of it. I hope they will laugh or say something embarrassing, but i am making them know what my tiny cock looks like. I know they cant escape that and there is a sense of power to that. It has changed over time that i still mostly feel shame and fear, but i have high moments of feel proud how tiny i am. I enjoy being that tiny cock guy. In some way i want them to think im as small as possible. I do it flacid so they both have need to really gaze. If not for my tiny balls im not sure they could tell much. But that felling of pride and the sexual rush passes back to where i started. It weird to feel both sides. But its not to say i understand it. Its just a new peice of my sexuality like it or not.

[Shrimp Fried Life]

I didn't realize you were actually showing people your dick. I thought you meant just letting them know that you are small. I can't imagine a situation where I would actually show a woman my penis. I didn't think women would be open to that. I mean look at the way most women react to getting dick pics. It's like "I don't want to see that" but if you can get women to look at it kudos to you. I'm envious.

My biggest fear of people knowing is guys finding out. I don't mind women knowing but I don't want guys having anything to do with my dick. I don't even know many people. Especially women so I don't really have anyone to tell.

Sounds to me like you are into SPH. I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of. It's one of those things where you either are into it or you hate it and either way is fine. I've gotten to the point where it's the thing that excites me more than anything else. The only thing I hate about it is that it's very hard to satisfy especially on a personal level.

 

[GoldenBoyX]

12 hours ago, YOTH said:

@jojojojo It's interesting that you're feeling compelled to do this. I know it must feel terrible afterwards, but is it possible that you're taking some power back, some control? By forcing people to see exactly how you look, you're removing any doubt and in turn this is getting you off? It might be the first time you've had any power over the people who would usually have it over you, and it's a turn on? I'd love to know what your logic is beforehand and whether or not it's changing how you see yourself. This seems like a somewhat unique approach, and if it wasn't for how guilty you're feeling I'd say it was great. As long as you're asking if they want to see it before you show them and not just whipping it out impromptu, I'd say it's worth looking at without the shame to see what you really want from doing it. 

Trust me, realizing when you're 14 that you get aroused at night thinking of some douchey prick who picks on you stealing your crush away from you is NOT an empowering feeling. Quite the opposite. Every one of those sad, shameful boners felt like him stabbing me in the side. It's not you winning when that happens. It's him.

[YOTH]

@GoldenBoyX Been there and done that unfortunately. But what jojo is doing is different, he's doing the George Costanza Opposite. Showing your dick to anyone is terrifying, he's getting a rush from it. If that isn't hacking the system I don't know what is. If he can shed the guilt and the shame he could be on to a winner. I think this is what nudists call 'The shedding of the skin'. It's weird and difficult at first and then once you're used to being naked it's as natural as being a baby running around in the nip. I don't know, if it's harmful then that's one thing, but this is empowering shit in my eyes. Not for everyone, but still balsy. 

 

[GoldenBoyX]

It could land him in jail though. I dont think flashing unsuspecting females is a good thing. You're just passing your trauma onto them. 

[Victimorthecrime]

I think he flashed women he knows because he said he dreams about them telling his friends.  If they know who his friends are then they know him.  

Don't do it @jojojojo. You'll regret it. These days they label anyone a "sexual predator".  

[YOTH]

Note, that I did say in an earlier post "As long as you're asking if they want to see it before you show them and not just whipping it out impromtu." Which is pretty important. If there isn't consent or agreement from the person you're showing, then it's pretty fucked. I assumed that he's asking these friends beforehand and they're agreeing out of curiosity, morbid or otherwise. This is not acceptable if they're being unwittingly flashed at. We're in a #MeToo frenzy atm, don't get yourself in trouble. Again, I thought this was a mutual thing. 

[jojojojo]

@YOTH i brought it up in conversation and asked if they would look. So not flashing in that way.

[Shrimp Fried Life]

How the hell do you bring it up in conversation? "speaking of sausages, did I tell you guys that I have a small penis? no? would you like to have a look at it?"

 

I often wonder if I could do this. I fantasize about this kind of stuff, like being with two or three women and admitting to them that I have a small dick. Would I be able to do it in real life and if I did how would it effect me emotionally.

I'm really envious.

[YOTH]

8 hours ago, jojojojo said:

@YOTH i brought it up in conversation and asked if they would look. So not flashing in that way.

Yeh, so I was right. They agreed to look, that's consent, who gives a shit? That's what I assumed you were doing. Not flashing in any way if they say ok. 

[jojojojo]

@YOTH @lifelongvirgin Turning the conversation to penis size  is surprisingly easy. And once you are there fitting in "well as someone who has a very small penis" and work from there. When you tell them how small curiosity takes over. Not getting hard is the tricky part. Ive now managed it three times.