Jump to content
Mental Support Community

Being a friend! How many do you have?


paula
 Share

Recommended Posts

Being A Friend

There is a difference between being an acquaintance and being a friend.

First, an acquaintance is someone whose name you know, who you see every now and then, who you probably have something in common with and who you feel comfortable around.

It's a person that you can invite to your home and share things with.

But they are people who you wouldn't share your life with, whose actions sometimes you don't understand because you don't know enough about them..

On the other hand, a friend is someone you love. Not that you are "in love" with them, but you care about them and you think about them when they are not there. The people you are reminded of when you see something they might like, and you know this because you know them so well. They are the people whose pictures you have and whose faces are in your head regardless.

They are the people you see in your mind when you hear a song on the radio because they made you go up to the person they like and ask them to dance with them, or maybe you danced with them, maybe they stepped on your toes, or just put their head on your shoulder.

They are the people you feel safe around because you know they care about you. They call just to see how you are doing, because a friend doesn't need an excuse. They tell you the truth, the first time, and you do the same. You know that if you have a problem, they are there to listen.

They are the people who won't laugh at you or hurt you, and if they do hurt you they try hard to make it up to you.

They are the people you love, regardless of whether you realize it.

They are the people you cried with when you got rejected from colleges and during the last song at prom and at graduation.

They are the people that when you hug them, you don't think about how long to hug and who's going to be the first one to let go.

Maybe they are the people that hold the rings at your wedding, or maybe they are the people that give you away at your wedding, or maybe they are the people you marry.

They are certainly the people that cry at your wedding because they are happy or because they are proud.

They are the people who stop you from making mistakes and help you when you do.

They are are the people whose hand you can hold, or you can hug or give them a kiss and not have it be awkward because they understand the things you do and they love you for them. They stick with you and stand by you. They hold your hand. They watch you live and you watch them live and you learn from them. Your life is not the same without them.

These are your friends.

How many do you have?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There are few people I consider "close friends," but I feel that if you have good friends, you don't need many! I have 2 super close friends that I can tell anything to but usually don't have to because they can read it on my face or hear it in my voice. I have a handful of other friends that I know I can count on in a crisis or just to lend their shoulders and ears.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Paula, I just love the picture you paint with your words.:D

I don't allow myself to maintain friendships. I will start out and things will be going good, then I will flip out and diappear from their lives. I know it is hurtful to them. but something tells me that it would be worse if they REALLy know how I am....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I understand what your saying nancy and I'm afraid I'm a bit hypercritical in my post. I am like yourself really as to not letting my guard down and allowing myself to have friends! I have been hurt that many times that now I do not bother with friends. Personally, I prefer it that way!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Nancy and Paula, I would dare say that if your past "friendships" have left you this calloused and cynical, you have never had a true friendship! Like you, I often feel most people are better off not knowing the REAL me so, for most of the world, I wear the mask we are all accustomed to. BUT, it is such a relief to be around my two friends who know me inside and out. There is no need to hide. No need to fear judgment, condemnation or mistreatment. I absolutely understand what both of you are saying and I do not discount your feelings, at all. But, I do sincerely hope that one day you do experience a friendship like that described in the original post. HUGE (((HUGS))) to both of you!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Paula,Nancy how are you? everyone else?

I've been lucky and unlucky with friends in the past.

I have been used by people easily in the past,then discarded and that did hurt me. I also realised that they were never really friends at the end of the day, it took me a while though!

I have also been fortunate enough to have 2 very good friends who have known me a very long time! They see me, not my illness. Tracey, whether i'm up, down, laughing, non-stop talking or just quiet. I am lucky but i never take their friendship for granted .

Tracey

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey Paula,

that was a really nice post even if you DO say it was with a little cynicism. If it's OK by you I'd like to copy it and save it for myself with your name attached, as it really does make a lot of sense to me.

As far as friends go though, I have the same problem. I get attached quickly to people and end up getting hurt in some way. My S/O has criticized me time and again for doing that, but I guess it's just a part of me. Trusting, loyal, these are words that have been used to describe me often. But unfortunately that trusting and loyal nature seems to cause me problems too. I find myself putting too much trust with people I meet that I like, and then sometimes I find that I've put too much trust with them and I've got to figure out how to detatch and keep myself together. I guess it's the detaching that's the problem for me.

I have people that I call friends, but one of the things that I think about with friends is how often you talk to them too. Personally I find it hard to go weeks/months without talking to someone and still call them "friend". And again, because of my nature I guess I also have trouble separating "friend" from "acquantance".

I think your post will help me learn to do that some.

Thank you.

-confuzzed

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

Wow! This really touched me Paula. I have never taken the concept of friendship and considered it at the level you have taken it in what you wrote. It is perfect timing that I read this now. I have one friend and she has made it into my heart, mind and soul. I never would have known that level long term caring existed within me for outsiders had she not made it past them. I have been confused recently with some things going on in our relationship and have been putting her off some until I figure it out.

Reading what you posted also made me realize how many things I am not to my youngest daughter. We in many ways are friends but we do not treat the relationship with the same respect we would a friendship with a non-family member. It is as if you have just given me a code to live by with some of the most important people in my life. I can feel that this clarity you have given me is somehow going to allow me to move forward in a positive way with these relationships.

Thank you for a beautiful gift

Link to comment
Share on other sites

confuzed, your quiet welcome to copy my post, just glad it's been of some use? To the rest of the members, I'm also glad it has been of some use to you too!

Sorry it's been a while for me to get back to any of you, just trying to fight of the demons (if you know what I mean)

All of you take care and I hope to be back to as normal as can be expected, very soon!

Take care! x

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

I never was the type to have many friends. When I was a schoolgirl I had lots of acquaintances, but only two close friends. I lost them some years ago when my life fell apart and I could no longer be in their world.

I miss the closeness and the shared history, and I know I may never have something like that again with anyone, but I am grateful at least that I had it once. At least I can enjoy fond memories.

Nowadays I try to keep people at arm's length. I don't live in the same world they do, and I know they'd never understand. I have strange ideas that tend to terrify people and I get sick of being judged and found wanting or defective all the time.

My social life is lived almost 100% online. I can talk coherently this way, nobody will come by my house and surprise me, no one will think my house is dirty or weird. There's no smoke, perfume or fleas online. Nobody looking at me. It doesn't matter if my mouth can't get the words out, my fingers never fail me!

You get the idea!

Jane

*edit* I wanted to mention that I could possibly have friends, but my life is not under my control, and my attempts to make friends have been stymied by this problem. So... maybe someday!

Edited by JaneE
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can't wait for them. Why won't my friends contact me for a change? Right now I really feel like I was just deluding myself, thinking that I had real friends.

I really want to e-mail one in particular, but I am afraid it might not come out good and I might just make things worse.

I want to say, "It would be great to hear from you every now and then, so I'll now that my friends are still out there." Can I say that? Anyone? :confused:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

maybe she/he would love to hear from you it's easy to lose touch, it's got to be worth giving it a go,they can either say aye or naye!

i have no friends at all, i dont think i could count my friendly neighbour or local shopkeeper as friends lol.

Mine disappeared when things became really tough and i wouldnt even know where to start, i dont know anyone, dont go anywhere and wouldnt have the confidence even if i did.

My ex-partner was my only friend for the past 4 yrs but we split so i dont have him either.

My laptop is my friend and my children and grandson on a weekends.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

HI EVERYONE

OCDmom, I think you should email your friend, even if you dont go into great detail and just say hi. im here and i miss you. That way it might open up an avenue for you folks to discuss whats realy bothering you without offending eachother or making things worse. I dont know its just an idea, it might help, what do you think ?

I am pretty much a loner these days, (in the real world that is) kinda have to be.

Ive always had trouble trusting people, and im a v.gullable person , people always take advantage of that.

I havnt always been this bad though, working on my social skills (or severe lack of them) is yet another thing on my "need to do list"

I do miss my old friends terribly , but its just one of those things.

Take care ,and i hope things work out for you OCDmom

Jj

Link to comment
Share on other sites

HI EVERYONE

OCDmom, I think you should email your friend, even if you dont go into great detail and just say hi. im here and i miss you. That way it might open up an avenue for you folks to discuss whats realy bothering you without offending eachother or making things worse. I dont know its just an idea, it might help, what do you think ?

I am pretty much a loner these days, (in the real world that is) kinda have to be.

Ive always had trouble trusting people, and im a v.gullable person , people always take advantage of that.

I havnt always been this bad though, working on my social skills (or severe lack of them) is yet another thing on my "need to do list"

I do miss my old friends terribly , but its just one of those things.

Take care ,and i hope things work out for you OCDmom

Jj

How do you work on your social skills? I've always tried to take part in social events but they often leave me feeling ..........I'm not sure ..........some words that come to mind are ..........empty, stupid, unreal, wierd ..........and sometimes in regards to others I feel ..........dissatisfied, shocked, suprised, puzzled, mistrustful.

I am a person who spends to much time looking in and finding my faults and punishing myself for them. Most people I know spend too much time looking outside themselves and finding fault with everyone else and digging the knife in. This makes for a very unbalanced state of affairs!

I guess when you really don't like yourself - it is impossible to believe that anyone else would like you. I find company more draining and exhuasting than stimulating.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...