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Back to my old ways....... Help !!!


SweetSue
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Well its been years since ive felt this way, i managed to say bye to this way of life when i was in my early twenties. How did i stop back then, well im not sure really, things were muddled back then, and well i moved on to taking o.d's and doing other shit as my answer to escape. In time i think things just eased off enough for me, to ignore my thoughts.

But , over the last month or so the urge has been growing, the need to feel again. to feel the evil escape, from my veins, from my body. I have so much evil trapped inside myself, and i am desperate to get it out of me.

This past week or so, the temptation has grown so much stronger, and today it is so close to the point where it is all that i want to do. It worries me so much when i get like this, coz well i know just what i am capeable of, and how devious and sneaky i can be, And just how far and close to the mark that i get things.

Can you help, please

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this is probably the dumbest suggestion ever when you're feeling this way but could you confide in and trust one of the nurses to help you?

you posted earlier about trying to be more positive wanting to get yourself 'sorted' (cant remember the exact words you used sorry) can you keep reminding yourself of that?

right now im doing my best and struggling to fight off the very same thing, maybe we could try to be some sort of preventative buddies.. ok it sounds weird but maybe it might help,perhaps something like each time i get the urge i try think of you and will you on rather than giving in to it and vica versa? please say if it's a dumb or stupid suggestion i dont mind it's just a thought...but im willing you on anyway :)

we're both- and anyone else here who has the same problem- intelligent enough to know that it really doesnt help and just adds to whatever it is we're trying to escape from.

posting in here asking for help is a positive strong thing to do maybe that's because the part of you that doesnt want to far outweighs the part that does.

im sorry you're in this horrible mindset and i hope it passes for you quickly.

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Hi Donna,

Yeah your first idea is kinda "dumb", did i mention just how sneaky and devious i get ?

Im not messing, i become like really to the extreme, even to the point where i will pretend that im feeling much better and that im ok, just so that i am left alone , to do what i desperatley need to do. Its taken a lot out of me to just be this open on here, obviously there is no way i would be stupid enough to tell the nurses here, coz well then it kinda goes against me. That and well im not brave enough, i have this thing at the moment where i feel everyone thinks im some big freaky joke, and that people are just laughing at me.

But yeah, preventative buddy, sounds like a really good idea, thanks for the offer, kinda need help on this one, big time.

Im sorry your feeling so shitty, too. I will be here to help you if i can.

Thankyou so much

Jj

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Jj there is no need to pretend with us that you feel good, if you feel "crap" just say so, it might help. I understand you do not want to say it to the nurses, when I was in the day hospital I told the doctor that I felt under pressure to say that I felt better than I was.

When you are being closely monitered the pressure to improve is enormous, you just tell them what they want to hear, but if something like a medication change might help it would be better to mention it.

I understand totally how devestating it feels to get a setback, mine are normally triggered by a stressful event, and the lows last about 2 weeks. Yet we have to pick ourselves up again and again, because we have people who love us and would be devestated if we were not around anymore.

You know the tiredness is very difficult, but we have seen before you do have the strength, set yourself very small goals each day.

Take care

Goose

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Hey there sue,

Know the urges well, and how difficult is to keep fighting them off. Same thing happened to me. The self harming was over, SO I thought . Ten it came back to life worse than ever . once started up again, it has been hell. Take it from me, DO what you can to ease off the urges to Self harm. One thing i am certain that , if it does occur in a hospital environment, the staff are going to tighten their reigns on you. Gosh , I had a bad experience with this myself. The hospital founf out I had stuff to self injure .The next thing I knew it I was confined to sit out in the main hallway. Do nothing else . Also had to sleep there .

SO , it is bad , and if it happens during a hospital stay , the staff can make it hell for you. Just tryingto help you see that it is not worth it.

I want you out of that hospital so badly. Keep fighting the urges and try distraction .use the computor and jsut write , write , and writ some more how your feeling. Blog them too. Get it out in writing, until the urges start to lessen.

the last thing I want to know happened to you is that you hurt yourself . god, it would be terrible. Take it easy on yourself, stay strong, fight the urges, anyway you can!

cathy

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Hey Cathy,

Thanks for your replly. You know its really hard to explain this, this feeling. its not just an urge its kinda like a craving aswell, does that make any sense to you. Its all that is on my mind, and im just typing away like an idiot on one of my blogs just so that i can keep my hands busy, and my mind off what i am longing to do.

I know what would happen if the staff found out how i am feeling, therre not very understanding about these situations, which is why i could never tell them.

I too had bad experiences of how staff treat people who s/harm, from when i was first diagnesed with PTSD when i was a teenager, things havnt changed any in these kinds of hospitals over the years. It sometimes feels asthough coz im a patient in a p/ward that i no longer have any rights. They have all been taken away.

Thankyou for caring enough to post your reply, i know that you are having a very rough time of it all aswell

Please take care hun,

sue

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YES, it does make sense to me. Because Self harm is a way to cope, and after a SI incident their is a "temporary relief" that happens. + the endorphins kick in , which makes the preson "feel better' for a time.

Perhaps the craving you are having is that you want to feel better any way possible?

Got to find alternatives to help yourself feel better. AM i making sense? or following you correctly?

Sue, i'm here, I am your friend, i'll try to help u any way I can.

Right now, things are fine for me. Not really anything major happening. So it is ok for me over here in my life, way far away from where u are.

Wish I could do more to help u through this. Stay strong, ok?

I am scared to admit to u about somethingthats been happening to me, but, just so u know for me, I actually have dreams about self harming, that is how powerful SI is for me personally .

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Well like the idiot that I am, I couldnt take feeling this way any longer and was really close to caving, so a few hours ago I asked to see the pdoc, BIG MISTAKE

He came and saw me, he wasnt in a very good mood, coz well its now the middle of the night, and he certainly gave the impression that I was wasting his time. BIG MISTAKE

The pdoc, really knew how to make me feel this small, like tiny, insignificant, like it didnt matter at all. Fair enough it dosnt matter to HIM.....

I suppose he is right though, if i was serious about returning to s/i then I would of done so already, totally ignoring the fact that i have been trying so damn hard lately NOT to s/i. and the fact that i am desperate for help. He said he would leave a message in my care plans for my consultant in the morning, and that was it, off he went on his merry way !!! GENIOUS

So now im stuck, left feeling like im more likely to do something "stupid" at the first oppertunity i get, because now i feel smaller than ever, coz i wasted the time of the STAFF,

Some times i could really kick myself for asking for help, coz inevitably it leaves me feeling WORSE.

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Well ive kinda, calmed down a bit, today. The feelings are still there and still as strong as ever. Staff , here obviously know now what i am feeling like, there trying to help me, some members are a bit offish with me now, but i respect that.

Its silly really, ive only made things worse for myself by "coming clean" with people here (the hospital), but i think it was for the best.

Just got to not give into the temptation, and find another way of getting the evil out of me.

I started another canvas today, its very dark, gloomy even, but think it will turn out right. Normally i paint, cheerful happy things, things that warm me. but today well its just not what im feeling.

Maybe its just as good a therapy, as anything else. who knows ? At least its keeping me busy, and stopping me from planning as much, so thats got to be good, right?

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Well ive kinda, calmed down a bit, today. The feelings are still there and still as strong as ever. Staff , here obviously know now what i am feeling like, there trying to help me, some members are a bit offish with me now, but i respect that.

Its silly really, ive only made things worse for myself by "coming clean" with people here (the hospital), but i think it was for the best.

Just got to not give into the temptation, and find another way of getting the evil out of me.

I started another canvas today, its very dark, gloomy even, but think it will turn out right. Normally i paint, cheerful happy things, things that warm me. but today well its just not what im feeling.

Maybe its just as good a therapy, as anything else. who knows ? At least its keeping me busy, and stopping me from planning as much, so thats got to be good, right?

It is very good ! art is a healthy alternative , & coping mechinism ! I think it is ok to express how you feel no matter what. Allow your emotions carry you away and just paint, no matter how or what your feeling .

I am sorry that things did not go well after telling the professionals about the urges. feelings to SI . It was for the best . I know what you mean about the "getting the evil out" because that has happened to me countless times. What I know is that it is part of the BPD, how we think in all or nothing terms, feel like we are bad, evil , horrible people. SUE , yOU are not at all evil or bad, horrible !!!!

you are a caring, compassionent, sweet , lady. That is what I already know about you by just talking to u and seeing your posts to others.

I am glad that you are feeling calmer today. this is a great feeling. Hang in there, and stay strong. :(

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Hey Cathy,

Thanks hun,

It is very kind of you to say those things about me Cathy, i apprieciate it, i really do.

I just dont feel that way.

I feel like every inch of me is filled with evil, it runs through my veins , through my flesh, and in my thoughts. Never toward others, just myself.

Its difficult to explain really, but i just know. Thats just the way it is , how i feel , how i always feel.

And yes i do feel calmer today, not about s/i, but toward the staff here. At the end of the day they have a job to do, its not there fault if they dont understand, its my own fault for not being able to make myself understood.

Oh i dont know, all i can do is try and keep myself as busy as possiible, and just hope for the best.

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It is very difficult subject >pesonally how in the world am I to write to u about the very same issues that I face? Maybe i can just tell you that you are not alone the way you feel about yourself .

The evilness, shit..... this is where I struggle with personally all the f***** time. It is a powerful, intense , emotion, not emotion but a reality. AT least it is the way I have seen it , in myself .

Just letting you or trying to let u know that your not alone , and I feel the same way a lot of times, however mostly there is nothing. I am stuck in this nothingness right now.

I wish you the best, Sue.

your friend,

cathy

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Hey Cathy

Thankyou it means so much to me, i do feel so alone , so much of the time. Thankyou for understanding, and for taking the time to be so supportive.

I know how difficult it is for you right now. October . I remember,

Please know that i am always here for you, i may not be of much help , but you know where i am if you need a shoulder, or if you just want to vent.

You are a very dear friend to me. And i am thankful that through this site we have become friends.

Please take care hun

sue

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Sue,

you are right. personally , for me, trying to help others feel better , is always easier then dealing with my own crap . When I help somebody , it helps me because it takes me away from my own stuff. Reaching out, and understanding others, helps me feel better.

I a lot of things that you are struggling with , are a lot like mine . Maybe it is because of the BPD we have in common, and our deep love we have for our children, is where our connection has become strong.

You and I have gone through so many horrific experiences , that nobody never should .

that is why I know that we are survivors, hell we are alive and fighting everyday to overcome our struggles. Every Fu**** day their is something, I wish I could just BE. Going out, has become so overwelming, that My brother needs to go with me. Certain sounds, and activity , can start me off into a sheer panic mode, that I can't think right, or start to lose it >

Today was one of those experiences, OMG, my brother , he was scared ! I was trying to fill out paperwork for a brand new TV. My brother was keeping a close eye out on me, he saw it happening right in front of his eyes. I kept taking deep breaths, trying so hard to keep it together.

my brother took the paper work from me, and finished it for me. Thank god he was there!

After the incident on the way home he asks me, what were you going to do? He said my eyes were huge, and I was so overwhelmed by the noise, and overwhelmed by everything all around me, flooding into my system , System overload. I kept telling him I wished I had my medication with me, the anxiety meds. Because I needed something, I told him that I try so hard to hold all of it in , all of the emotions, anxitey's and all those uncomfortable feelings.

Than I explode, taking it out on myself, I was able to help him understand that I do not lash out on others, never. Never ever, would I ever become physcially aggressive. I enternalize all of it, then Self harm when all becomes too much. I think he finally understood me.

A typical day for me, is to be at home . My home, my peace. I have to have my place dim, and very quiet to function . Anything besides this, can lead me into a full blown panic state, too much all at once soming at me, I was indeed falling apart right in front of my brother.

So glad he was there! He helped me get through that bad time. Just by taking the paperwork from me, and completing it . I tried so hard to drain out all the sounds and light, yet it was not working.

Thankfully I am back home, where it is safe! And a brand new tv is on its way:)

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Hi ya Cathy,

Atleast you got your new T.V. !!!

Shops always get me stressed, thats why, even when I live in the "real world" I avoid them at all cost. I'm not sure what "freaks" me the most. The people, oh theres always too many people, and the paranoia kicks in, and I feel there all talking and laughing at me. The lighting that shops use, play havoc on my eyes, and send me into a different world, still recognising, most of what Im doing, but I really have to concentrate. Oh the list is endless. Probably why I resort to doing all my shopping now over the net.

I think that I said to you before how often I wished that I could be something else, anything else other tham me. I understand where you are coming from on that one. But presently I dont want to be me or anything, the evil that has become me now rules over me, and I wish that I didnt exist at all. The evil that is me, needs to get out. That feeling gets stronger with every passing day, and well its an ongoing struggle not to explode, explode against and only at myself.

Im not sure exactly what you experience with certain noises, it sounds asthough it could be part of your PTSD, I know that with myself, if I hear certain things , like a loud bang, or raised voices, or someone screaming etc.... Well i go straight in to a flashback, it dosnt matter where i am or what i am doing, my flashbacks just come on. Its really embarrasing , to me, coz when i "come to" im drenched in sweat, have tears streaming and wonder where the heck i am, and what the heck im meant to be doing. Scarey shit,

I am just so F****** P***** O** with myself, at myself, dammn i just donnt want to be MYSELF.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Well, no longer need worry about going back to old ways. looks like I have fallen at the first hurdle.

The temptation, the urge, just too great to resist.

Now all I have managed to achieve, is the side affects of the after effects.

Way to go sue !!! Instead of feeling better, I now feel worse. Guilt has set in, along with dissapointment

All I have managed to achieve, is the realisation of what a failure I truely have become.

Edited by SweetSue
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Guest ASchwartz

Hi JJ,

It would be really great if you could learn to be kinder and gentle to yourself. You are so very, very hard on your self and so very unforgiving of your self.

Allan :(

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Uh hu.....

Guess that would be nice, not possible, but yep nice I guess.

To me being nice to myself, is well, awkward at best, impossible at worst. its hard work to be nice to yourself, when I dont believe I deserve to be, and I dont believe me when I try.

thanks anyway

Hi Sue,

I believe you are worth it ! I believe you deserve being nice to yourself, not so hard on yourself. Gosh , I am my wort enemy too, Hell YA , I am bad , very bad , extremely , cruel to myself. Severely. But then again, I like nice things. Here lies the paradox . Those are just things though, feelings and emotions are very different.

I do agree with Allen . I know things have been going very badly for you. Emotionally , it has to have taken it's toll . Made you feel horrible . However, PLEASE, you are not horrible, and you are a very nice, person , who has been through so much pain, too much .

This is me , now , your , friend, I understand a little about you , kind of , like a lot, remember?

I feel so badly for you , so much , because you remind me a lot like me. And a lot of the same shit that I have to deal with too. On different levels .

I Wish I was closer to where you lived. Or you lived closer , in THE U.S people are not placed in Hospitals for long term treatment as much anymore as they use to be. If you lived in the united states I would think you probably would be out in a really good outpatient program by now.

When you do get out are you going to have a place to live? I am sorry I am being too nosey.

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Hey Cathy,

when i was in the last refuge they rehoused me and the kids after 6 months or so. we were allocated a 3 bed house, out in the sticks, its lovely, huge back garden, with its own trees !!! (never lived somewhere with trees before, its kinda cool)

You know i hadnt even thought much about the house. shit, wonder if im gonna loose it now the kids are in perminant foster care. now that , that it sods flipping law. how crazy am i. no kids, might mean handing back the house keys as this is housing association property. FAB, no kids no life and now possibly no home.

COULD THINGS POSSIBLY GET ANY WORSE

Edited by SweetSue
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Uh hu.....

Guess that would be nice, not possible, but yep nice I guess.

To me being nice to myself, is well, awkward at best, impossible at worst. its hard work to be nice to yourself, when I dont believe I deserve to be, and I dont believe me when I try.

thanks anyway

Maybe then some of the work with you needs to be in why you feel you don't deserve to be.

I've seen you offer your kindness to others at times when you have been struggling the most. To me, that alone says a whole lot about your inner spirit and who you are as a person. You are willing to find something to give even during your moments of deepest pain. Try and offer some of that gentle support to yourself. What do you think?

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Hi IrmaJean,

Think you are probably right, its something that I really struggle with. I am mean to myself, I know that. but I think thats just the way I am. Its nothing to do with trying to be possitive about myself (I dont think). Its just that I have so much evil trapped inside, that if it dosnt come out of me, then well, I dont know how/what will happen. When things get like this, well in some respects s/i is the kinder option to myself. Its better I guess than completely giving up, and it kinda helps me to allow myself to still be in this realm. To still try and fight.

Yeah I know this dosnt make sense (when do I ever). its just the way things have become.

there is loads of stuff about myself that I have to work on (obviously) so I guess its just gonna have to be added to my ever growing list of things about me that, well are crazy.

Thankyou for your on going kindness and support, it helps.

Take care beth

sue

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Just a thought, but maybe what you have been feeling is not "evil inside"...maybe it is anger. And perhaps you have misdirected this anger at yourself because it is the only way you will allow it. If it is anger maybe try and think of where this anger should be placed. It seems that you're punishing yourself for the misdeeds of others. You are not at fault for the actions of others.

I hope today is less painful for you.

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