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ready to give up!!


mscat
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it is not the season to be depressed, sorry if I am . I cannot take much more of me in this world , trying to recover, not doiing a good job from this . just got out of the hospital , after a 5 week stay , from a severe SI .

not physically recovered at all. not even emotionally either, and it is seriously taking a toll. bad thoughts to end the physical pain , cause things are at the loweset.

the highlight of my day is to make it to the tolilit by myself right now. way to go mscat.

no pity party please , just can't get my head out of this dark place . physically it sucks right now. hurts so badly, and now, the mental pain is catching up , just like the frieight train that spins along in my head , faster that can't be stopped, the speed. and it's exsistense.

i

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Hey cathy

Hope things ease soon and your recovery from the s/i heals quickly. Im sorry things feel so harsh (this is not pity, I care) Yep this is Christmas and everyone is supposed to be so damn happy ~ right, huh. WRONG. This is the hardest time of the year for many, myself included.

Is there anything at all we can do to help ?, We are here for you hun, (no pity party ~ atleast not wothout chocolate cake :)) but we will listen and maybe it will help you feel a little better and a little less alone.

Talk to us ?

Take care ~ please

sue

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I hope you feel better I si every so often. I know that your in alot of pain and I wish I can make it go away. I hate that you have to suffer your a nice person. I hope if only for a moment you feel better. I know it hurts :). And xmas sucks especially with there being no sun and its worse if you have a mental illness like we do i have SAD right now and maybe you have it too at this moment?....I just hope yuou feel better pm if u wanna 2 talk more

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thank u .

pain is unsurmountable. too much of that going on right now. I think for me si is when all ,my internal mush , and emotions fall out into the open . for all to see the pain i truely feel. the physical pain is mixed up with the emotional , thus creating it hell for the person trying to cope .

i put too much effort into si'ing , destroying myself as much as possible , now to suffer the physical pain too .

i swear this is bad . it always is the first couple weeks of getting home . i got to remember i was in the hospital for over a month this time too, and had 3 surgries during that time .

i am not being nice about not well physically . just want the pain to stop. i did a number on myself , maybe deep down it was to die.

i am confused , right now, as well. could it get anymore difficult ?

i do not kknow what i want , just not this pain.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Mscat,

No need to apologize for feeling depressed. I wonder if the holiday season had anything to do with the SI and with the hospitalization. Five weeks ago is close enough so that it is worth thinking about.

What is this increased depression and si about? If not the season, what else? I it is the season, why, what memories and associations does it evoke?

Allan:(

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Since Friday,

from coming home , I have not been able to function well physically . It is oly 4 days , not long enough to expect these wounds to heal well enough , to not feel pain .

I have been lucky just to make it to the bathroom on time ... I have been off my meds. All but the pain meds. Sleeping and fighting the pain . Is what the days have been like .

Depression has come back full force , unable to care for myself , the pain, the holidays, tis the season ?

I have si'ed major , for about 5 yrs around the holiiday season now in a row. Yes their is a significance. I do not want to spend it with the Jensen's, foster family , who are so much better then me, and it causes me to go to SI mode to advoid them alltogether.

They are wealthy, religious, "wonderful" nearly snobbish by nature group of people . That I do not fit into . The foster mother , who abused me, seeing her , never is pleasant .

The family loves my son though. They can manipulate him. A feet for them isn't it, a autistic teenager , manipulate the hell out of my son , leaving me worse off , and shittier as a person, parent , human being .

stay away from them , my brain , and heart screams each year . do what i can , to at all costs . i would rather be struggling to use the bathroom , and just out of the medical hospital after severely injuring my body then to deal with those people.

the si has taken its toll though. left me in terrible shape , at risk off high infection , the scars , wounds , and misery ... alone , to fend for myself now with my son , it is not hard to become depressed.

not taking care of myself well just yet either, struggling with all . little help, but do have some outside help, just need more right now.

i'll heal physically. emotionally , that will be tougher. i have been down this road before. but here i am once more. i sseem to si worse , each yr . morre torture myself then the previous yr .

hell bent on doing so , rather then going through the holidays with the foster parents , and their families .

more to it then that as well. currently , i realise i use major si as a tool to keeo away from the people of my past who haunt me , still in my life . too much hate , inside me , and so i still blame myself for it .

they scare me more intimadate me , feel less then human from them. i already do feel that way so it does not take much to push me over the edge , every yr it is if they are screaming at me to jump off the cliff into hell , where i belong , and come from .

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my cable tv was turned off this morning ... made a late payment because I was in the hospital ... now I have no sorcue to get through the day , how wickedly cruel , things can get.

u can be dying and still watch tv .... not me, not today . i cried about it , cried something terrible . nobody told me the cable was to be turned off. crying over this? yes. because i am unable to do much of anything else.

yes , i need to talk to my therapist. badly , their is no perspective or value over my life , and i am in endless pain.

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thank u irmajean ...

yes, i have been alone with my teenaged autistic son , last night . I do have family that are close in the area , less than a mile away. but i have had to depend on them for so much lately , i let them borrow money for their needs , trying to help them out too.

i talked to my therapist this morning . told him everything. even about wanting to die, just laid it all on him . so what if i was swirly ?

told him no more major severe si , and i'll just off myself instead. It was and is the truth. told him about being off all meds but the pain ones, and the crying spells over everything .

yes, I'll probably could end up back in a hospital , mental one this time, for teliing the truth. but he is a good therapist too, knows that physical pain ccan wreak havok on the mind . perhaps that is what is happening .

I am going to my post op appointment today, it is very important . hoping to have some staples removed as well, at least then I could be comfortable .

I got to snap out of this blacck darkness, I am in , it is scaring me.

i am frightend about the place i am in .

it has to become better, lighter. their is this darkness that keeps pulling me back into , and wants me to continue this downwards spiral , indeed it is living a nightmare.

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I am so sorry to hear you are feeling so isolated and that you are hurting. It's good that you are reaching out ot us, we'll help you along today :) Pain does have a way of making us pessimistic, it tugs at our courage and makes it difficult to see light at the end of the tunnel. But whether we see it or not it there, so hang in there!

I've been there too. About 15 years ago I had severe and chronic back problems - a herniated disk that gave me terrible sciatica. I was single parenting 2 young teenagers, and I was pretty much on my own. I too had some family nearby, but they had their own burdens and I did not want to be too needy... I too hated how my family made me feel, like I was such a basket case...

But now I am older now, and hopefully a little wiser, and I realized just a few years back that I did not have to go to a family gatherings where I did not want to be. I look inwards and accepted my limits, and that unburdened me so much. I did not have to be mean about it, or defensive about it, and would just say that I was not up to it and that we would see each other some other time. And when I felt better and stronger, I would be able to see them. Just giving myself that option gave me my power back, one of those boundaries that I have I such difficulties establishing ... We are free and wise and empowered and we can make our own decisions about who we will allow close to us. We should not have people close to us who don't care about hurting us, right?

The other side of that though is that I also realized that I was projecting unto them things that were not theirs to bear. My own lack of self-esteem was wispering falsehoods in my head, voices from the past, and I could not discern it from reality, so that I was attributing to them what was in fact my own voice. Once I made the distinction I realized that some of what I though was in fact falsehood. They do love me, with all my faults, and they want what is best for me.

I realize that is not true for everyone, some families are very hurtful ... still, it is often our own desperate thinking that amplifies the negative feelings. What types of thoughts give you hope? Do you have readings around you that could elevate your spirit? There are many online that you could tap into... The word of God is very powerful on the soul and nourishes the spirit, and it comes in so many religious forms... Here is one that I find very comforting to the heart... from Baha'i writtings...

O SON OF BEING!

Thy heart is My home; sanctify it for My descent. Thy spirit is My place of revelation; cleanse it for My manifestation.

Hang in there!! Tomorrow is another day and we are with you today.

Paix !! Symora

Edited by Symora
typo
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I really hope that today was a less painful day for you, Mscat. I think it is great that you were honest with your therapist about all that you have been experiencing. As you said, he is a good therapist and is looking out for your best interests.

Is there anything you can do that might give you some pleasure? Maybe to let a little light and beauty into the dark place so you can find your way back out? Music? Drawing? Reading? I hope you feel better soon.

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I did make it to that appointment , they gave me a shot of morphine and went to work removing many, many tiny , little staples everywhere . My surgeon actually took them out. Their are a few places that are not healed right , and lots of new skin, however, lot's of dried , old skin too. Pretty gross .

Physically , much better , but, the morphine made me nausea , on the way home. I ended up sleeping the rest of the day.

Still bandaged , and uncomfotable, not near as badly as before though. My sleep pattern is thrown off , but it is early morning , quiet , and at least I am at home.

I now need to make all efforts to start taking all the meds again. Lift out of this depression somewhat ,and help my son who is having a hard time with christmas this year . Has a case of the I wants, and is disappointed with the small amount of gifts this year , plus they are late too.

My son , complains , is upset about all this , and it is dread ful. EVEN my 2 littls dogs are being aggressive towards each other... Ready to attack each other , we have had to keep them separate.

Angry , child, pissed off dogs , physical pain , emotional , and financial hardship this yr , when everyone is suppose to be happy .

Happy Holidays? where ? when? not this yr . brother calls me last night and wants money to drown his sorrow in booze .

his way to cope . i can't tell him no , he's done so much for me and my family .

here's hoping he can help us place our tree up today , one more important thing , for my son.

looking foward to when all this holiday season is ovver more then anything this year . it has been a bust .

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Mscat,

I have a couple of reactions to your post. First, there is no such thing as "supposed to be happy." I know all the holiday propaganda but its more important that everyone just allows themselves to be how they are instead of how they "should be." That way you and others will not feel disappointment. Second, I urge you to stop making a laundry list of your woes. Making that list only makes things feel worse for yourself.

Please remember, you have us, here, as your friends, your support system and as people who value you very highly.

What do you think?

Allan:)

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thank you for the feedback, Allen . I am still working on allowing myself to just feel things the way it happens, not the way I think I should feel.

I probably had felt sorry for my self , making things worse , yet not knowing where else to put it. Just trying to get it out in the open , and not letting it build up . Cause when I internalize these feelings , I take it out on myself , eventually .

I did not even know I was doing it though, laundry list of woes . Your right , it does not help in the long run .

Still recovering from this severe SI , which is the truth. My son and I had a quiet christmas, and it was nice . I am still struggling with physical pain , and recovery is slow. Can't do much , but tried to make it a pleaseant experience for my child .

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Mscat,

Have you tried Meditation? It is very helpful at quieting those tumultuous emotions we can all experience and that lead you to hurt yourself. Have you tried it?

Allan:)

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no I have not . thank you for the suggestion . I did take my meds today , trying to stay awake more , and also changed my bandage on my healing arms , what is the hold up is that the skin has become still , and difficult to manage , where the graphs were perfomed. This is the chalenge as of now.

yES it would be easier to sleep again all the time. Forgeting about the world . However, I am up , made coffee, and trying to grab a hold of hope.

I am also going to be talking this week to my therapsit often. Last week I was ready to give up completely, this week their is a determination to heal , and do what it takes to fight this.

It is a uphill battle, the physical healing, as well , as to figure out why my spirit feels crushed , and their is a sense of utter despair . I am fighting to overcome this .

I got to think of the good things, and nice things in my life. The body will heal. The stiffness of new skin replacement will go away . DEaling with a sense of horrible despair , and giving up is what I am faced with too. Hoping the meds . will help some, and therapy . but scared to say too much about how I feel .

I do not want to be hospitalized , for the feelings and thoughts that pull me in a direction that scares me. Yet I know I do not want to think of acting upon those thoughts.

It is a frightning place to be . I thought the freight train stopped coming towards me at a high rate of speed after the major SI incident. However, it seems to slowly be picking up speed again . Heading in my path . seems too much to fight , yet the consequences are unsetteling too.

more then likely i have no choice but to continue the fight of gettin better , and holding onto hope .

Meditation, just have done deep breathing exercises . I feel oddly calm though . Not anxious at all. me, it is a more despair , that freezes me into this state of despair, depression, so much that talking does not help. just wanting an escape. this is what scares me .

cathy

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Cathy

Hold on in there hun. Things are really difficult for you right now. its hard when you first come out of hospital, especially the first few weeks, and have to re adjust and get used to your surroundings again. Im sorry your in so much pain hun, hopefully your arms will heal soon.

Keep fighting, thats all any of us can do. you are a very strong person Cathy, you can get through this. With help, from people that care about you ~ your son, your brother and all your friends on here. :)

Hope things get easier for you soon, were all here for you, and willing you forward on to better days.

Take care

sue

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Cathy,

I just read this thread and even while reading I got a sense that things were improving, slow maybe but they are improving for you - I can feel it.

Let me share something my hubby used to do when I was struggling. He would hand me a little card and on the card was two words..

Fight it!!

There’s a few people here letting you know they care and no doubt sending you some healing energy. And all you have to do is be open to receive it.

{{warm peach coloured hugs and healing energy on it‘s way to you}}

Stay strong and stay above the battles.

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thank you for the replies. YES , fighting it is excatly the best thing to do, and YES , I am opened to support, and kind words, thoughts :) Been trying , too .Took my meds today, the ones I could find . NOT taking the hefty pain meds, ran out of those. It really is from the surgries, and skin graphs, that got me bogged down. Not use to the tightness of the graphs. a lot of parts are very stiff. Makes it uncomfortable to try and say the least.

Now that all of this has been over with, I do have regrets. Scarring myself up badly , and now going through the healing process in which will take a long time , I want to turn back the clock. Some of me can't believe how badly off my body is right now and how is feels . This is what I want to go away .

the only nice thing , that is the best, is being able to come home. not anywhere else like it better on earth is home. I guess I still do have more physical pain too, now , there is not going to be a next time.

here's hoping to bring my spirits , mood , up where I want to be. Have not been able to do that yet .

Usually I feel better after this, however, I do not. It is not the physical pain either. emotionally I am absolutely drained. this is what I do not like, and need to fight out of. What happened to my spirit? it seems to have disappeared .

I am dull, sad, unsure, this is what I do not like. why I feel as though something has a hold of me, pulling me down under. yes I have to fight.

no where else to do or to go.

cathy

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Hi! Cathy. I hope you don't mind me popping in again. It's after 1am here and I'm up and I'm a compulsive scribbler.

I'm sorry to hear you are in pain. I don't think there are enough soft, kind words to comfort you at the moment but hopefully over the next few days you will begin to feel a little better.

Did they give you any advice on what might make you feel a little more comfortable, like a soak in the tub with something in the water to soften the skin and make it feel less tight? Maybe it's too soon for that. No problem.

Feeling sorrowful and regretful is normal, let it ride it's course and then let it go. You certainly don't need the pain of that along with everything else. So you messed up. It's done and now it's time to concentrate on getting better. Take it one moment at a time.

"There is not going to be a next time." Repeat that to yourself from time to time. I dealt with some really low points on and off for years then one day I just got so sick of the whole process, I got really pissed off and thought Enough is Enough! Getting really pissed off (at the process not yourself) helps.

Your spirit hasn't disappeared. Your spirit can be damaged, even broken but it is always there waiting for you to feel strong enough to help it heal.

Fighting is good but so is getting really pissed off. :)

Best wishes.

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Hi Cathy, after reading your thoughts and concerns, I too wish to chime in with Allan about listing one's woes. As a good friend often says, “it is what it is.” Often times people face tough situations that should to be taken at face value. When my friend pulls this out, it is short for whatever happened played itself out, and unless there is anything new to add, don't replay it in your mind. Reset. This is pretty hard to do sometimes, and each person has their own time requirements to stop replaying bad times, cool off, and reset themselves.

The difficulties you note about family are going to exist whether it is December, March, or whenever. When families ever come together for any period of time this is the quintessential “it is what it is” situation. Also, from what I remember, your brother may ask for alcohol at any time of the year. Without any more new circumstances, the significance of him asking for alcohol during the Christmas holidays should be no more than the significance of him asking for alcohol during the Spring. If you feel troubled that purchasing alcohol for your brother is in some way fueling his problem, then limit what you make available for alcohol. For example, you can tell him you need to budget for food or some other expense. It's not a lie when you really do use the money for food or whatever else.

Meditation is a big reset button, but the trick is to relax with the imagination. When I need to reset, I take a while to lay down, and I imagine myself totally relaxed. I am so relaxed that when I imagine my friend walking in to lift me up by my legs he can't even lift me an inch because I also imagine that I am heavy like rocks or bricks. I try my best to imagine this so that whatever tough moment I was caught up in becomes more distant, freeing my thoughts to what I need to think about.

You may already have some approaches to meditation, but I wanted to share this one. It is important to imagine good things for oneself as opposed to allowing the mind to dwell on the tough things all the time.

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Just trying to make it day by day. Not dweling on anything . Yes, your correct, their have been things of little change, and I am not referring to them . i had not provided my brother with beer, just had to listen to his guilt about drinking , and making my SIL mad, and his christmas . I had become his source of support .

Not referring to any of the old past experiences . That does not do any good. Serioulsy just trying to make it through the day without physical pain . That is mainly what I am looking at each second , which has become myreality .

I am done with the past . Past does not concern me. The healing process , is what is the upward battle right now. The inability to do the things I am use to doing , and trying to not go back into depression, and despair , is what I am dealing with. I have many very serious reasons as to why I must not allow myself to fall into this bad thinking process, and depression. It is a battle right now . And this is the present, not referring to any past experiences, because that is nOT what I am dealing with right now .

thank you

cathy

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While I can "Empathize" with you and your pain surrounding the Holidays and desire to not visit with "The family" - I can't help but sympathjize with your son. The fact that each year, all of this is also HIS Christmas.

That he gets to look forward to his mother taking herself away from him each christmas and hurting herself each Christmas, all because she just hasn't yet learned to say 3 simple words to a "family invite" "No thank you"

Your "Past" has affected you right into your adulthood. Chances are that his will too.

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I know that your world is filled with physical pain right now, and this can be overwhelming and take up all the room. Getting yourself well is your primary objective of course and once the physical pain subsides things will start getting better....

Don't go to family events where you are unhappy, not right now, there really is no need. If you feel you want to wish them well and keep in touch, use the telephone for now or write them a nice letter, but don't subject yourself to being with them if it creates mental anguish. Spend some quality time with your son ... create something for the holidays that becomes something positive for the both of you (it can be simple...), so that you don't become so anxious about the holidays next year, because there will be a next year, and another after that. Create your own tradition, one that suits you and is right for both you and you son...

Hope you feel better soon :)

Symora

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