ready to give up!!

[kaudio]

Nuckin, from Cathy's previous posts it is clear she appreciates your line of reasoning. The problem is not one of accountability so please focus posts on something productive.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Nuckin,

We have not met before. Welcome to our community.

I have to agree with Kaudio. It is important to focus on the positive and not the negative. Cathy is too good at the negative, all by herself.

However, I am curious about your thinking Nuckin. I am wondering if you had bad experiences as a child that makes you identify more with Cathy's son??

Could you tell us?

Allan

[catsirish]

gosh, i hate this life and the misery of it, and the suffering and the pain, i dunno, somethings not right with the picture. pain equals growth, just makes me angry, why pain.

[Bluerose]

I hope you’re beginning to feel a bit more comfortable. Time is a great healer - sometimes we just wish it would move a bit faster.

[stevec]

How are you doing?

Steve

[mscat]

I had not seen the new comments on my own thread , my apology . I like to update in here.

First thing, first. my son , is my world. He is taken care of when I am unable to . He is autistic, and 16 yrs old . He is protected from the details of MY own personal struggles. I do not discuss what is personnal with him , nor many people .

To make one more point clear, the family issues , with the foster parents and siblings, this is only a little piece of the puzzle. NOT the entire issues of why I may severely self harm . I discussed one aspect of my struggles , in hopes to gain feedback. How I was rasied , the foster family in which I never fit in , are very religious, wealthy, highly educated people have certain standards and expectations of people , that I do not measure up to. I am who I am , in which is not good enough. The foster family merely want to see my kid , who they think the world of. Despite knowing very little of him and I .

I am not going to justify my behaviors , or have to defend myself. My son goes directly to my biological brothers home and family where he is loved and cared for. My son knows I am in the hospital and hurt, at times. NO I am not proud of what I do, and many times what occurs is that I am in a discoative state , when an incident occurs of SI. I think that is how I could possibly do such a thing.

Because , afterwards , I am unaware how much damage has been done , and what it has caused . It is a numbing experience, I go somewhere else .

Unable to feel anything , and so detatched that myself and body are in pieces , much like the nursery rhyme , Humpty Dumpty.

It has been a little over 2weeks since getting out of the hospital. i've lost physical mobilty now, in my arms, chest, shoulders wrists and hands. It is as if I am as stiff as a board, and it hurts to move .

With all that , I am now still trying to do more though. I am very slow at doing anything, but , I guess I have all the time I need.

I am unable to drive , and prefer staying home anyway where it is safe, and their is nobody to judge .

If I sit or lay down too long I cannot walk straight up , I am hunched over, and need help getting up .

Yes , I did this to myself , ANd went too far , more like wanting to end it all w/o saying it. A hell of a way to go , burning oneself . So far I am still here, and thankful . Thankful because , I do have a beautiful son, who I love dearly .

i've rasied him as a single parent all his life . I worked my ass off to provide for him, and to have nice things . My son he has so much , and he is a wonderful person.

We are doing fine . I am hanging in there, taking my meds again, and dealing with the wounds that are still unhealed, as well as the pain and loss of mobility .

ALL the while taking care of my son , I can only do the best that I can and that is what I am trying to do.

[SweetSue]

Cathy,

Are you ok hun ?

You do not have to justfy yourself to anyone, and you are certainly not here to be judged in any shape or form.

My appologies coz Im not up to date with this thread. But from what I understand, you have been and still are very poorly. you have always shown love and affection for your son and your "babies", and the struggles you have been through and are going through on a daily basis, is enough to make anyone overwhelmed, and my heart goes out to you.

For what its worth im proud of you, and i know that you will make this, coz you are a very strong person.

I hope your pain eases soon

please take care hun

sue

[IrmaJean]

I really hate to see you on the defensive about your life, Mscat. I'm sure that you are a very loving mother to your son. He sounds like a great kid. I also have no doubt that your loving care has helped him to reach his potential in becoming the wonderful person that he has. All any of us can ever do is our best. I hope that each day becomes less painful for you and that you are feeling better very soon.

[mscat]

thank you ,

I just read a response that really shook me up , in regards to my son. I felt that it was necessary to go into further detail regarding circumstances. All of what has occured is over now. My primary focus is on healing. trying to do more each day , such as housecleaning , and staying positive.

Usually the pain is far worse after a long day. I am on no pain meds , either. What kind of parent would I be always doped up on that stuff ?

I know my behavior wAS over the top. I understand that I lost control , that day, and hurt myself very badly . The consequences are insurmountable. Because now it has left many physical issues .

My son is cared for propperly , and we do have family support. I just do not want anybody thinking how terrible I am , or what an idiot I was , and how bad of a parent I must be .

mscat

[Symora]

Nobody is judging you here Mscat... you are safe with us

[Bluerose]

No one here is judging you, sweetheart. I think most of us have been down there struggling to claw our way back up. Who are we to point the finger. You do the best you can and no one with an ounce of decency can ask for more than that.

All we have to do is get to tomorrow.

Best wishes. I wish you a pain free weekend.

[Nuckin-Futs]

Cathy,

I apologize if i came off too strong and that you took to the assumption that I was intentionally being insensitive, uncaring or unkind.

I assure you that was not my intention. My intention was to hope that you would realize that this is not all about you. That the wonderful young man that you love more than anything, is affected by all of this as well.

That he cannot possibly go through this on a yearly basis (At Christmas time - A time of joy for a child) and come out of it all unscathed. YOU are his life. Although he may not know all of the gory details, scars do speak for themselves and he knows that you have been hurt. He loves you. When you are hurt - he hurts. Thats what love does.

You are having a difficult time getting around. That is also difficult for him to watch. It just has to be.

Very simply, I wanted to encourage you to take a look at who else all of this affects. Not in an attempt to shame you, cause you any additional emotional pain or confusion - but in the hopes that during the next 11 months, if you were able to find more reasons to NOT do this to yourself - that next Christmas can be beautiful for the both of you.

We are all presented with a brand new year. We are all afforded the same opportunities for change. Time ticks on. We all have our own demons whether it be mental illness, self harm, drug addiction, alcoholism, low self esteem, inflated ego - and the list could go on for eternity.

By no means am I free and clear of lifes challenges. Some of the challenges we face WILL kill us, but not before completely destroying the ones who love us first.

I did not mean to cause you any pain Cathy. I just wanted you to realize that if we look hard enough - maybe we can find more reasons to get and stay well.....or at least "Weller"

Please sit quietly for just 10 minutes and envision what the ideal Christmas with your son would look like. And 11 months from now we can all celebrate that with you. You can do it. I just know you can!!!!

[mscat]

Cathy,

I apologize if i came off too strong and that you took to the assumption that I was intentionally being insensitive, uncaring or unkind.

I assure you that was not my intention. My intention was to hope that you would realize that this is not all about you. That the wonderful young man that you love more than anything, is affected by all of this as well.

That he cannot possibly go through this on a yearly basis (At Christmas time - A time of joy for a child) and come out of it all unscathed. YOU are his life. Although he may not know all of the gory details, scars do speak for themselves and he knows that you have been hurt. He loves you. When you are hurt - he hurts. Thats what love does.

You are having a difficult time getting around. That is also difficult for him to watch. It just has to be.

Very simply, I wanted to encourage you to take a look at who else all of this affects. Not in an attempt to shame you, cause you any additional emotional pain or confusion - but in the hopes that during the next 11 months, if you were able to find more reasons to NOT do this to yourself - that next Christmas can be beautiful for the both of you.

We are all presented with a brand new year. We are all afforded the same opportunities for change. Time ticks on. We all have our own demons whether it be mental illness, self harm, drug addiction, alcoholism, low self esteem, inflated ego - and the list could go on for eternity.

By no means am I free and clear of lifes challenges. Some of the challenges we face WILL kill us, but not before completely destroying the ones who love us first.

I did not mean to cause you any pain Cathy. I just wanted you to realize that if we look hard enough - maybe we can find more reasons to get and stay well.....or at least "Weller"

Please sit quietly for just 10 minutes and envision what the ideal Christmas with your son would look like. And 11 months from now we can all celebrate that with you. You can do it. I just know you can!!!!

Thank you for the message.

However ,

you did cause me a lot of pain . I like to also mention , that you DO NOT have thr full picture of what happens or goes on with my son , or my life. How dare you try to assume , and make judegment calls ? This is something beyond YOUR scope of understanding. You have NO idea what goes on in my life or my son's , not one bit.

Despite the fact that I do and have self harmed on a number of occasions, besides the holidays , you choose to focus on my shortcomings , and try to help me feel horrible about being a parent , and how it affects my son.

YOU have nO idea how it affects my family , and frankly I have not discussed it in here. SO why do you think you can? Without any insight as to any of this?

Your comments are not helpful , mainly because their is in no way you have any idea of what personally is going on in my life or my family.

You can think you do , however, you are way off base. As I have noted previously , my son is well cared for in times of crises . If it is any of your Fuc*** buisness. He is nOT being taken away from me by the state, nor is he being abused in any way shape or form.

My son is special needs, and I protect him , from ALL my issues , he does not realise or comprehend what happens to mom .

SO , lets say I am a mother who has cancer, happens to have to go to the hospital for treatment, and has a special needs son, or for that matter I was in a car accident. Family steps in and cares for my son, without sharing all the details ....

As parents we protect our children , shield them , and love them . My son does nOT need to know what, and why mom does the things she does .

He also is no baby, or young child for that matter. He is nearly an adult.

SO to read your thoughts about what bad things I do to myself , esp. around the holidays , without EVEN knowing ALL the things that go on within , and the family dynamics , I urge you to quit . Because you are NO help or support at all . Your comments , and even your last post has no bearing one bit , unhelpful , useless, and far too late to try and be nice.

As Allen had written in one of his threads, what is it about my behavior that brings up so many thoughts and negativity in you? I am thinking as a child , you may have experienced issues of your own with your own mother?

Leave me out of it, if you have some personal problems surrounding your own family.

Deal with it yourself , and start your own thread about your own problems. My issues , are just that. PLease leave me alone, because I find your posts unhelpful, and offensive.

thank you ,

mscat