well the bubble popped

[SweetSue]

what do ya do when everything is against ya, things are that pathetic that even logical solutions dont exist, the worlds against ya and you cant take anything else happening.

keep going , right ?

Convince yerself that one little step at a time and eventually you will get there.

Do what ever it takes to make things seem worthwhile ~ no matter how small , how insignificant they seem.

Set easy obtainable goals, meditate, relax, do breathing techniques, read, excercise, paint, talk, whaever, take your meds, undergo therapy in all there various types, do every damn thing under the sun people suggest. And keep doing all that stuff, till things seem easier more manageable, thats what ya meant to do , right ?

but what do ya do when ya pop, ?

like what do ya do when you realise its all for nothing all the improvements all the effort, all the damn pain, has turned out to be for nothing, coz it still dont mean jack, still aint got a hope in hell of getting the life you need to be able to feel alive, still screwing up, and then realise, have it pointed out to you in no uncertain terms that what ever improvements you achieve dont count for sweet fa, coz the damage is already done, and ya still gonna loose your kids , forced adoption coming ya way, and your never gonna see or hear hide nor hair from your babies till they are ADULTS. only then IF they want to search for ya.

what the hell are ya meant to do, hope pray, like what. wait another 17 + years and hope to god your babies, find ya, that they dont hate ya, that ............

oh just DMA, im upset just a tad "P"ed off, and quitre frankly just at a loss.

dont bother replying, coz well, im just venting, and DMA

[Lindamomof7]

ok keep venting....

[SweetSue]

thanks Linda, kinda done venting now, think ive moved swiftly onto that self pitying stage of "woe is me" probably just stay there.

[Lindamomof7]

thats ok I have had my share these past few weeks as well. Today I coped with this crap with drinking a bottle of wine!! I might add, I don't drink!!!

well I feel better and now I am blasting my music in my headphones and wandering on the computer. My family is just smiling at me not knowing what the hell to think... well I dont either, this is as temporary as my cycles so this really sucks too , or it will later on!!!

the music im listening to well a few are colbie callait One fine wire and another one of hers: it stops here.....

[SweetSue]

hope you dont get hung over later !!!!

well im really in full swing on my self pitying mode and have spent the last couple of hours looking at photos of my babies on my laptop, and balling my eyes out over each and every one of them, coz like im soooo grown up

like crying changes anything ?, cept ofcourse giving me a puffy face and making me feel worse ~ go figure

ever wish you could just be dead like right this second, then be left alone forever, just so that the pain dont cut so deep. just want it all to stop and like a small child, expect someone to come along dry my eyes and tell me its all gonna be ok. how stupid is that?

Im nearly 36, there is no one, there is no magic wand, it wont be ok, coz tomorrow and the day after all there is, is nothing, just a pile on the floor of messesd up crap where someone that once was,

this is just so flipping painful

[Symora]

ever wish you could just be dead like right this second, then be left alone forever, just so that the pain dont cut so deep. just want it all to stop and like a small child, expect someone to come along dry my eyes and tell me its all gonna be ok. how stupid is that?

Oh how often I have felt that.... Prayed for death, asked for it with fervour, even visualized myself doing it. It's not a good place to be....Grieving is difficult, no getting out of it. I have found it to be one of the hardest things to do. It is so multilayered, and pulls at us and makes reality unclear. I've struggled with it a lot in the last 2 years. I find it hard to forgive the mistakes I've made because of my mental illness. I think I have only recently thought of myself as mentally ill in fact. Before it was just depression. But now I see how it affects my overall personality, my capacities, my judgement.

Now I know that when I start pushing myself down heavily and thinking of my own death, I am in the illness and I need to do all the things I need to do to regroup. Get my house resonably organized, have a good sleeping routine, do some exercise (even if it's not usually much ), be regular with medication. Sometimes it takes a while, but it usually stabilizes and the thoughts of death receide.

Ge gentle with yourself, put all harsh words towards yourself or your actions aside for awhile, you are living enough of a hard time already...Hope things feel better soon :-)

[Lindamomof7]

That was nice Symora, you helped JessicaJane and me!!!! thanks....

[SweetSue]

thanks symora and linda, for your kindness.

today, just feel raw, torn apart and crippled by my thoughts. think im just shutting down again, replaying the events of yesterday over and over, and i know i shouldnt, its not productive, it doesnt help. but cant stop myself. wollowing i think, its the only way that i can breathe at the moment though, all the time im rehashing over every little detail, painful, hurts so much, really truely tears my heart apart further. im not indulging in the other thoughts that are more damaging, so i guess in a way its self presevation. think i might even to some extent be deliberately doing this to me now, making myself relive times that are hard.huh. that are really hurtful, really really just urgh, just so that i feel how i deserve to feel. i deserve this pain, deserve to.........

[Symora]

You do not deserve this, you don't. It's just the way it is, it's not punishment... You are human, it hurts, it's the right emotion for the circumstances and you are allowed to feel it.

I send you compassion and loving thoughts... you will only get better if you can learn to love yourself, so set your sights on that and don't let old patterns taunt you away from that. Give yourself one evening, or one full afternoon to feel all the remorse, shame and guilt, and then visualize them leaving on the afternoon train, so that you can then move on with your life. Your children can continue to be in your life.... remain hopeful, it is just healthier

[SweetSue]

A Social Workers Poem

I am a social worker

I'm really very nice

I help you loving mothers

And give you good advice

Your partner has departed

Your income is too low

I'm really very sorry

All your kids will have to go

You're partner is abusive

He beats you black and blue

We'll soon be there to help you

And take your children too

You have a learning problem

You're really not that clever

We'll get your kids adopted

When can you see them ??? NEVER !!!

You're son iis hyperactive

You need a brief respite

We'll soon take ALL your children

Give up this pointless fight

Your child was taken into care

So many years ago

If now you have a baby

That too, would have to go

Foster parents love your children

To get some more money they seek

For each one brings a tidy sum

£400 a week

Childrens homes are run by us

Where peadophiles abound

Each time we cover up abuse

"The gutter press" come round

"They" said adoptions worked the best

We soon proved that they would

Fathers shout, and Mothers cry

There kids are gone for good

What happens in our special courts

Our experts they will say

"You're a danger to your children

So we'll take your kids away"

You're children may be healthy

Happy and well fed

But one day you might hurt them

Thats what our experts said

The judges know that we are right

With us they will agree

They dare not risk another route

You have no choice you see

Our special courts are secret

So dont you breathe a word

Of what goes on inside these walls

No matter how absurd

We'll get your kids adopted

And dont you dare complain

Or you'll end up in prison

And I wont say that again

We have adoption targets

They must be met you see

Failure means repremand

So spare a thought for me

By, Ian Joseph (S/W)

So do you see, this peom actually does dictate so many awful truths about this whole forced adoption procedure, rings so damn true on oh sooo many levels. Im not a criminal, legally have never done anything wrong, they cant arrest me, for I have commited no crime, Sorry this country is sick. Our legal system sucks on oh so many levels. im still fighting, already been told what the outcome is going to be, that was fridays meeting with s/s. So what the heck is the point, just dragging my last hopes for what another week till the final hearing, which by law Im not allowed to discuss, infact im probably breaking the frigging legal system right now. BS. Yep im hurting real bad, fighting with the last of my breathe, hoping against all odds that somehow this is all stopped last minute. Wishful thinking sue. the end of our family, the end of our dreams. No fairy Tale for my babies :)

[Symora]

I am so sorry you are living such a difficult thing.... we are here to support you in this challenging time. I'm afraid I hated that poem, probably because of the harsh truth it brings forth ... Our societies still have a long way to go to be fair and just... especially to it's most vulnerable members.

Please feel free to PM me if you need to chat this week....

[SweetSue]

Thanks Symora

Yeah, sorry, I dont like the poem at all, but it explains perfectly a lot of things, and well at the time I posted it I was a tad emotional.

Just lost, will find a way through this, but at the moment Im not strong enough, and well Im kinda crumbling under the pressure. circling, between being angry with myself, to being upset, all the Ifs, Buts and Maybes whizzing through my mind, all pointless, cruel and painful, but cant stop them, so think most of my hurt is just self inflicted, coz, I either cant or wont switch myself off.

Need to snap out of it. Try think possitively. Idk, keep coming to the final conclusion of what to do, but something inside, is just that selfish that its not letting me, content in its own pathetic world to just keep re hashing, EVERYTHING. Think its how things just have to be, wallowing in pain, till every part of me finally agrees its enough now. annd lets me switch myself off.

[Lindamomof7]

Hang in there.... I'm sure you know that is how I have been feeling too....

I know it sucks.... and I hope you will find a way to feel better....

We are here!!!

[mscat]

You do not deserve this , not right at all. I have no idea why ss can do this. It makes me very angry.

I am so sorry.

mscat

[IrmaJean]

I am so sorry, Sue.

[SweetSue]

Thankyou linda, cathy and beth

Linda I hope you start feeling a little better soon.

I am just going round in circles like a dog chasing its tail. think that this is just too much for me, correction, I know that this is just too much for me.

[Guest existindeath]

Hi jessicajane1925,

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I agree with the poem though as it just points out some very well known truths.

I've read the posts you made here and know that when your in the dumps... thinking and rehashing everything does open up the flood gates to more thoughts and becomes your own personal hell. Sometimes you wish there was a switch planted on the side of your head but there isn't one.

So dwelling on the "what if's" and the "if only" ... is pointless and self defeating. Serves just to throw you into a deeper darker state of mind. (As if this would not happen to anyone in the same situation).

If the end game is known there still might be some wiggle room left that can at least give you some peace of mind. I'd definitely would go with the adoption route and if possible request that the children not be separated. That you desire the adoptive parents to present each child a hand written letter from their birth mother (You) at legal age.

I don't see why you cannot write a letter to each child expressing how much you loved and tried to keep them. The circumstances that lead to their adoption and that someday perhaps you could see their faces again.

I know this is going to be very difficult letter for you to write but at this point it may be the best you can offer your children. At least they can have some solace in knowing the truth.

Always wishing you the best.

[SweetSue]

I've read the posts you made here and know that when your in the dumps... thinking and rehashing everything does open up the flood gates to more thoughts and becomes your own personal hell. Sometimes you wish there was a switch planted on the side of your head but there isn't one.

So dwelling on the "what if's" and the "if only" ... is pointless and self defeating. Serves just to throw you into a deeper darker state of mind. (As if this would not happen to anyone in the same situation).

If the end game is known there still might be some wiggle room left that can at least give you some peace of mind. I'd definitely would go with the adoption route and if possible request that the children not be separated. That you desire the adoptive parents to present each child a hand written letter from their birth mother (You) at legal age.

I don't see why you cannot write a letter to each child expressing how much you loved and tried to keep them. The circumstances that lead to their adoption and that someday perhaps you could see their faces again.

I know this is going to be very difficult letter for you to write but at this point it may be the best you can offer your children. At least they can have some solace in knowing the truth.

I realise that there isnt a switch to turn myself off, I've kinda searched for it often and long enough. kinda reckon my own "Personal Hell" is exactly where I deserve to be. Infact I'm sure of it

The "Ifs" "Buts" and the "Maybes" I know is just sending me spiralling deeper into the depths, its where I belong, seems to be the only place that "I fit"

I have no choice, its a Forced Adoption. I will never believe in my heart that, that Adoption was best either for my kids or myself. I was getting better, damn it, the improvements I had made in so many areas, done every damn thing that I was told to do, and then some. Pathetic. Pointless. All for nothing :mad: (end of self pitying whinge ~ huh, maybe) I can request (I think) that the children not be seperated, this I have been informed is no guarantee, most likely the children will be seperated the two eldest, and the two youngest being kept together. if not then all will be seperated. They may be allowed to have contact with each other but this has not been decided yet. I will be writing the letters to each of my children, and pray that this is carried out

Thankyou for your kindness

[mscat]

Hi Sue,

Writing a letter to each child , I think is a great idea. If their is any way to fight for custody and not give up your parental rigts , I am sure your would. i feel so bad. And confused how the system works ini your country. It is not right that they are doing this. After everything you have done right . I just do not understand . I am so sorry. Does not make a bit of sense to me at all.

[SweetSue]

letters have been wrote, and said my goodbyes, just have to wait for the judge to dot the "I"s and cross the "T"s. Try to keep breathing just a couple more days, then its over

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Sue.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.... You have been here as support to us and I hope even though I am new, I can be of some support for you here. Please hang in there......

[SweetSue]

Thanks Linda,

Thats a really nice thing to say, its apprieciated.

Just been feeling sorry for myself, most likely over reacting, Im not very good at controling my emotions. im trying tonight though, really hard.

Was all set to give up and throw my life away thee past few days, been so extremely low. trying hard to keep the self destructive thoughts away. have to take things one breath at a time.

how are you today hun ?

take care

sue

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Sue You are right one breath at a time.... please hang in there....

I'm ok I didn't sleep last night then I saw the post this morning about "flashing" so I went off the deep end I guess.

I called my therapist. She was happy to hear from me and saw me today. She knows I am like a turtle, I have this hard shell and when things get to much I pull my head in. So I guess maybe it is popping out a little? My Dr wants to see me too so maybe tomorrow...

I will keep you posted....

[SweetSue]

hi linda

Yeah I know the post that you are on about, things like that hurt me too, but since I have been here, I have mentally changed enough to think differently about those kinds of things. it stiill upsets me and makes me sad, but also hopeful, that people want to change, want to get help and basikly want to get the support and advice they need to change. So now I try to help, instead of going off on one.

Linda Im pleased that you managed to see your therapist, and that you have now gotten a drs appointment, I know its not going to be easy for you, but you are right ,tomorrow is another day, so...........

just one breath at a time

and please do keep me posted

take care

sue