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Humour - the best defence


Luna-
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You might be Bipolar if -

* The sun is too loud.

* Trees begin to chase you.

* You can see individual air molecules vibrating.

* You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.

* You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

* You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up!

* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

* You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

* Things become "Very Clear."

* You begin speaking in a language that only you and chandeliers can understand.

* The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.

* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

* Your heart beats in 7/8 time.

* You and Reality file for divorce.

* You can skip without a rope.

* It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

* You can travel without moving.

* You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

* You suddenly understand the meaning of life and see how everything is connected.

* You feel compelled to explain this meaning to everyone. ;)

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A few more:

- You just bought the Kenny G and Barry Manilow box set just because.

- You know the names of at least eight antidepressants, six mood stabilizers and four anti-psychotics. Plus a few sleeping pills.

- You bring your own research to the doctor’s.

- Last night you understood the secrets to the universe and this morning you are contemplating whether the jam goes on top of the peanut butter or under it.

;)

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I'm so glad you all enjoyed that. I have,um, more...

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

"I'm not aware of your problem." the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course." replied the patient.

"In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

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Bi-Polar and loving it

Bi-Polar and hating it

Help! Help! The paranoids are after me

A psychiatrist asked her multiple personality patient; So, do you feel like you're cured? He replied; absolutely, we've never felt better!

Secretary to Psychologist: "Doctor, there is a patient here who thinks he is invisible."

Psychologist: "Tell him I can't see him right now."

A man is walking along the street when he is brutally beaten and robbed. He lies unconscious, bleeding. While he is lying there, a police officer passes by, but crosses to the other side of the road, without trying to help. A boy scout troop does the same. As do a number of pedestrians. Finally, a psychologist walks by, and runs up to the man. He bends down and says, "My God! Whoever did this needs help."

Q. Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment?

A. To prepare them for the bill.

"I'm treating a patient with a split personality," boasted a psychiatrist, "and Medicare pays for both of them!"

Psychiatrist: What's your problem?

Patient: I think I'm a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

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A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient,

"How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got this

reply...

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have

done it. I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter. My daddy came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely

stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife. So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

A man calls the psychiatrist at a mental hospital and asks who's in room 24.

"Nobody" comes the reply. "Good" says the man, "I must have escaped."

A man walks into the psychiatrists office with a pancake on his head, fried

eggs on each shoulder, and a strip of bacon over each ear. The shrink, humoring him, asks, "What seems to be the problem?" The guy answers, "Doc, I'm worried about my brother."

A psychiatrist on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud train noises "Chooo-Chooo... Whoooo-Whooooo..."

"What are you doing?" Inquires the doctor. "I'm taking a train down to Barcelona," replies the man.

Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off, the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress.

"And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed. "Well," pants the man, "While he's in Barcelona, I'm fuc$ing his wife."

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08hduc-

Thanks so much! :D I was hoping others would climb in and contribute to this thread. I plan to submit a joke a day until I run out, so if others contribute, my supply will last longer... :D

PS. I think the shock therapy happens all by itself, when you receive the bill! It's had me reeling. It's damn expensive to be mentally ill!

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A Manic's Prayer

Lord, help me to relax about insignificant details, beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 a.m. EST.

God, help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.

God, help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they are usually NOT my fault.

God, help me not to try to RUN everything, but if You need some help, please feel free to ASK ME!

Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY RIGHT.

God, help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties,& dancing.

God, give me patience, and I mean NOW!

Lord, help me not be a perfectionist .(Did I write that correctly?)

God, help me to finish everything that I sta. . . Amen

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My husband was growing tired of my bipolar moods, so he went out and bought me a mood ring, so he could better monitor my moods. We have discovered that on a happy day, when I am feeling up, it turns green. On a sad day, the ring turns blue. However, when I am having a really bad day he can tell by the big friggin' red mark it leaves in the middle of his forehead...

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Hi Linda

Wish I could lay claim to it, but no, I didn't. I have made up jokes when I've been manic - I do the whole wordplay, punning, clanging thing - afterwards some of them are pretty good, some are... dare I say it?... crazy and make little sense!

I did make up the following, which I think stood up to the "post-manic sobering down" test : :(

Q: How many depressives does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. Depressives don't change light bulbs. They sit in the dark.

Q: How many manics does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Just one, but you need a LOT of light bulbs, 'cos they keep burning out.

Q: How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?

A: What? The light bulb doesn't need changing!

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If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatric Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA

- Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY

- We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA

- I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC

- Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA

- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA

- Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE

- Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE

- On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

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THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF BIPOLAR DISORDER

1.Thou shalt not blame everything on chemical imbalance.

2.Thou shalt avoid high places and sharp objects when on either extreme of the mood spectrum.

3.Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s shiny trinkets.

4.Thou shalt not trust any shrink who writes thee up a prescription after the first 15 minutes.

5.Thou shalt not beat up anyone while on a manic fit, no matter how much ye really want to, or how much they deserve it.

6.Thou shalt not indulge in immaturity whenever the urge strikes thee.

7.Thou shalt not break stuff that does not belong to thee.

8.Thou shalt go to bed only when ye feel tired OR even if ye do not feel tired.

9.Thou shalt allow others to occasionally get a word in edgewise.

10.Thou shalt not send people crazy e-mails at odd hours of the night. (or go on joke-posting sprees on bipolar forums...! :) )

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The Cat Test

To identify emotionally disturbed individuals accurately, Algozzine, Foster, and Kaufman (1979) developed the CAT TEST. This simple, yet novel test is easily administered by professionals, parents, and aides. It involves three simple steps.

(1) place testee in empty room facing far wall;

(2) place cat into center of room, close and latch door;

(3) after 10 minutes, open the door.

Algozzine, et. al., note that the CAT TEST allows fine discriminations between sub classifications of emotional disturbance. They offer the following guidelines for interpretation of results.

1. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - four neat, meticulous piles of fur to be found in the corners of room - cat alive, but cold.

2. SOCIALIZED DELINQUENT - fur scattered randomly about the room and on

testee - cat alive, still cold.

3a. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (MANIC STAGE) - pieces of cat scattered randomly

about room - cat terminated.

3b. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (DEPRESSIVE STAGE) - pieces of testee scattered

randomly about room - emotional stability of cat suspect.

4. PARANOID REACTION - testee cowering in far corner of room - cat alive

and sleeping in center of room.

5. PSYCHOPATHOLOGY - only evidence of cat is skin, wrapped loosely about

testee's head - cat assumed terminated.

6. SCHIZOPHRENIC REACTION - testee in center of room carrying on long

existential discussion with cat - cat alive, but confused.

7. NEUROTIC REACTION - testee asking cat for advise about migraine headache - cat alive and still confused.

8. CATATONIC REACTION - testee in corner of room with back arched, hair

on end, hissing and refusing to acknowledge presence of cat - cat alive,

confused, and sexually aroused.

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The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?

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The Parenting Class

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."

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Guest ASchwartz

While I do not want to "rain on anyone's parade," I do want to remind people that there is a forum for humor: The Lounge. Here, we need to focus on the more serious issue of Bipolar Disorder.

Allan:(

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Gosh, I am really sorry :( I am painfully aware that BP is serious and hadn't meant to detract from the intention of this forum. Would it be possible for someone to move this whole thread to The Lounge?

Please accept my apologies...?

Luna

Edited by Luna-
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