reaching out-may be triggering?

[katleen]

Thanks. Am impulsive. Does anyone want to talk about lamictal? And side effects of seroquel?

[malign]

Katleen,

You're practicing CBT, but I see a number of thoughts in this, to counter.

Well, the first sentence, for instance.

But also "The derision was obvious", "... but sense I am not saying right things", "Maybe they just want me gone" ...

Many fears are reality-based, but I'm not sure these are fears, really. They seem to me to be conclusions, based on untested evidence.

Did you ask them if they were trying to be derisive about you being late, or did you assume it? And maybe more importantly, do you let every person who ever says something snide to you get under your skin?

Have you asked anyone whether your sense that you're not saying the right things is justified?

Have you anything at all on which to base the speculation that they want you gone?

No, I don't think you should give up. I know it's not easy to fight a lifetime's worth of self-talk, but objectively, you deserve help at least as much as the next person. Yes, you have a life left; maybe the only thing you're doing "wrong" is continuing to believe that other people can deny it to you.

[Symora]

Hi Kathleen, sorry you've been triggered into 'warped thinking'.... Like Malign, my instinct was also to think that you are not applying the CBT principles, which I can't do either when I'm triggered CBT is easy when we are feeling lucid, but when we get into the downward spiral of self-abasement it's hard to see the forest for the trees...

Seems to me like you are doing the typical things like Personalization (attributing blame to yourself for an event where the responsibility is not fully yours), Emotional reasoning (thinking that your emotional state legitimately reflects reality.), magnification (making things much bigger than they deserve - such as being 10 minutes late).

I think sometimes we get tired of our own mood swings and we think that it also reflects how everyone else feels about us, which is not necessarily true....as a matter of fact it is usually not true.

I see you as an strong and intelligent contributing member to this forum, so no, you are not to be avoided...

[goose]

Hi Kathleen, I just want to offer you some support at the moment.

I am very familiar with how distorted our thinking can get when we are at our lowest.

I know with the CBT I am having the Therapist ask me to make a list of my values, i.e. the person I want to be. For me two of the most important for me are "I want to accept myself" and "I want to like myself". I feel we can't move on without these basics. Please accept yourself and like yourself, then you can deal with what others think. However do your really know what they are thinking? or are you just reading their minds? {I am very guilty of mindreading}.

Is there any way you can change the Doctor you attend? Maybe find someone you are more comfortable with, in the next town for instance where you might feel able to open up a bit better, away from your small community.

Don't give up on yourself, there is a future for you.

Take care.

Goose

[katleen]

Thank you, for all of your responses. Wow. Lots of questions I'd like to answer, mostly for myself, but all of you as well, because what i love is honest conversation, at least as in that we are able to not filter, etc. It's how am able to get beyond trust issues, etc. Information that makes sense in wisemind. Then seeing it in my own experience. Looking back, old memories (more coming all the time) and new, and in (recently present) the now. Trying to recognize my patterns, listening to things my children said about me. It does take time to heal. Am learning to read instructions.(chuckle).

Am not giving up, i promised my kids. It's just very hard to break familiar patterns of coping, and learn which ones you shouldn't, and it is discouraging. Often with people I am sort of frozen. I go home and listen to what was said when I wasn't busy thinking or feeling something intensely while acknowledging and agreeing with you. Behavior is learned at what ever age. Just not when you are in trauma, at least not non-trauma behavior.

I'll take awhile, maybe even days, to answer questions, so I can look it different ways and answer, i hope honestly and analytically, with emotions. Am hoping I 'll hear back again from you.

And from more people as well if they so desire.

Sincerely thanks again.

love

katleen

[katleen]

Katleen,

You're practicing CBT, but I see a number of thoughts in this, to counter.

Well, the first sentence, for instance.

But also "The derision was obvious", "... but sense I am not saying right things", "Maybe they just want me gone" ...

Many fears are reality-based, but I'm not sure these are fears, really. They seem to me to be conclusions, based on untested evidence.

Did you ask them if they were trying to be derisive about you being late, or did you assume it? And maybe more importantly, do you let every person who ever says something snide to you get under your skin?

Have you asked anyone whether your sense that you're not saying the right things is justified?

Have you anything at all on which to base the speculation that they want you gone?

No, I don't think you should give up. I know it's not easy to fight a lifetime's worth of self-talk, but objectively, you deserve help at least as much as the next person. Yes, you have a life left; maybe the only thing you're doing "wrong" is continuing to believe that other people can deny it to you.

Okay. Started reading your answers, prepared to write answers, and realized my own panic statement expressed more panic than i truly felt. Whoa, sorry.

All of you. Didn't mean to be alarming, just honest for honest feedback. Will go back to your questions and thoughts soon. You'll help me to 'think out of the box' Always wondered what that was....love

katleen

[mscat]

Hi Katleen ,

Just wanted to offer my support to you. Could it be possible that you might be overthinking things ?

then getting overwhelmed by them ? If you are able to get medicaid this ought to cover your therapy appointments and psych visits . I know that you are struggling right now , but I want you to know that I have always thought of you as a valuable person .

Cathy

[katleen]

Hi Cathy, Everyone,

You could be right..

So appreciate all of your support, willingness to be honest with me in your opinions. Know i am looking at all of it.

Am struggling, for sure. Desire to learn, and trying to find a group, i guess, to do that with. Want tranparency, but not where it may effect others against their will, and it always does. We have to respect the integrity of others' boundries as well, even if we disagree. And find a way to compromise.

I'll call mental health again.

Learning to be present with all sorts of people.

See my pcp Monday.

Forgive me

Thank you.

love

katleen

[SweetSue]

Hey Katleen

Hope that all goes well at your appointment today.

I didnt read your original post before you edited it, so I hope that you are ok.

We are all here for you Katleen, and we care.

The sun is shining outside today, and everything seems to have gotten its sparkle back. If I could send it over to your part of the world I would, things seem easier to cope with when the sun shines. (erm, ok, maybe thats just me)

Hope today is kind to you

Take care

[katleen]

Thank you, SweetSue,

And agree fully with you. The sunshine makes a big difference.

Am okay. Have a safe place to be and people in my life that care.

Everything else is fluff, right?

Well, almost.

You're better? I'm glad to hear from you. And that you've had sunshine.

Am going to focus on home things, today.

My post was just about my perceptions of things, will work through some of the replies today.

Do some DBT and CBT.

What about you? What does your day coming look like?

love

katleen

[DahliMOMMA]

I, personally, enjoyed today..it was a brisk spring day here. Fairly sunny and I loved that I was able to run to the store (without it feeling like "work" to get up and go.) I was able to enjoy the fresh air and being outside (without intrusive thoughts) and out while had comfortable small talk with the cashier and didn't feel any discomfort being around strangers. Come to think of it, I probably had an easy smile on my face the whole time.

It's nice that while others might think this sentiment was weird I know several of you on the boards will know exactly what I am talking about and just why it feels great to feel this (for a change)... Nice to have a safe place to share the small victories as well as challenges.