Can't explain it

[Calla]

Yesterday I had quite a good normal day. About 15mins ago I was wondering whether I should end my life. What makes a day so different?

[malign]

What do you think, Calla?

Were the two days different, or was it a change of mood?

[Calla]

Nothing different happened in the days. But the difference in mood is unbelievable and I don't know why. If I knew why maybe I could do something about it. The only one thing I can think is it was hot last night and it disturbed my sleep a little bit which is never good. But enough to bring suicidal thoughts?

[malign]

Well, what is your situation now?

Are you still having these thoughts? Are you making plans?

Do you have people you can be with?

Sometimes, it's possible to trace a change in mood to the thoughts going through our heads, but the important thing, of course, is not to succumb to a temporary mood.

[IrmaJean]

Hello, Calla. Have you been feeling worse today or did the thoughts seem to intrude the good place you were in? Are you in therapy and thinking/working through things?

[musemuse]

Hi Calla,

Something had to trigger you feelings from 15 minutes ago. What happened? What did someone say? What?

Hope you have calmed down by now, though.

[David O]

Good morning Calla,

The unexplainable always makes whatever we're feeling that much worse- not being able to label or understand can be frustrating. I was wondering:

1) How long have you had these moments when there was a sudden shift in mood (recent developments, last few week, months, years), and how old are you?

2) How often do they occur (daily, weekly, monthly, raraely and this a first time)?

3) When they occur, what typically happens afterwards, do they become progressively worse ar slowly dissipate?

4) On a cale of 1-10, how much do these mood shifts affect your daily life (1=-little and 10= very much)?

5) In the past, what have you done to manage the shifts and what has worked well?

6) When you shift in mood, does it also go the other way, where you feel extremely elated and happy, of just fairly happy and feeling real good?

Sorry about the 3rd degree, FBI interrogation, just trying to get a firm handle on what you're experiencing.

David

[Calla]

Perhaps I shouldn't call them suicidal thoughts, because deep down I don't think I would ever do anything to myself. But having said that it is a feeling of there is no point in being alive. When I hear of people dying young and they had great lives I just think it should be me instead because I am wasting the space that I have been given. Does that make sense?

But I don't really have anyone I can be with unfortunately. I don't have many close friends. And I'm not in therapy or anything. I just can't talk to my dr....I know people will think I need to do this but I really can't.

And David I would say

1)they have been going on for years but probably a bit worse in the last 5 yrs. I'm 33

2)I would say I've had a slight improvement this year but I can feel varying moods in one day. Some days I will be ok all day. I think the improvement is perhaps that the down moods don't last as long.

3)This varies. For example I woke up this morning and that feeling of despair had gone and I've had quite a good day. I guess they slowly build to a crisis point...ie writing on here and then slowly dissipate.

4)Quite a bit I would say, it doesn't feel like they do because it's just normal way of living for me now, but compared to "normal" people I have no life. I suddenly feel a need to shut myself away from anyone.

5)I exercise a lot, try to eat healthy. Come on here for advice, which is always helpful. Try and sleep well, thats important too. And this may sound a bit stupid but I always remind myself of people in third world countries etc...which helps me "talk myself down" and be more grateful.

6)Not sure I would say elated. But I do have moments where I sudden feel all is right with the world for no reason. A sense of joy but nothing too extreme.

Sorry I've written an essay!

[Symora]

Hi Calla, I'd just like to throw in the possibility of hormonal fluctuations. I have lived what you speak of and for me, I know it's strongly influenced by hormones. I'm 54 now and looking back I can see how strongly my moods have been affected by sex life or lack thereof, pregnancies, periods, pre-menopause, now menopause. It had 2 weeks of PMS before my period, I mean insane, loopy PMS, and then the day before my period this great calm would settle in and I knew I would begin the next day.

I am by no means saying this is the answer, but it is perhaps a contributing factor....

[David O]

Good morning Calla (from the family Araceae??),

You may have, what Symora suggests, fluctuations in hormone levels--- very common as you likely know. There is a slight (and I mean slight) possibility that you may also have cyclothymia, which is very much like a mild mood disorder or a slight to fairly mild bipolar disorder that springs out from biological, psychological or social factors-- one moment you're cheerful then suddenly you break into tears and sorrowful mood or you feel down in the dumps. Typically, this sudden shift of moods, if it happens continuously within a months or years without let up, could have evolved into cyclothymic disorder.

Biologically, this could be genetic in that there may be a history of depression and anxiety in another family member or within yourself when you were younger. It could just as likely come from low serotonin levels or high cortisol- both of which can cause a depressive feeling, but high cortisol can result in mood shifts as you describe.

Essentially, it could be any of several reasons for the mood shifts. My suggestion is to see your MD and have them give you a thorough hormone checkup. B/c you describe it as mild, you can sometimes manage it thru cognitive behavioral therapy, education, yoga, exercise (which you already do) for increased endorphin release, diet, and possibly even an antidepressant. I would see an MD as these things can worsen as you get older and begin to interfere with your life.

Good luck and I hope this helps,

David

[Luna-]

... and if I can pick up on a few points:

Cortisol can be elevated by stress, especially prolonged stress, so stress management techniques will help.

Struggling to talk to the doc: - I know what that's like, I am in the process of switching psychiatrists because the one I've been seeing never seems particularly interested in hearing much; he gives me around 5-10 mins and then he starts writing out the script! What I've done when something is important is either make little notes of what I want to ask and take them with, or, even better, keep a record for a few days of your mood switches, if there was any discernible trigger, what time they occurred, a chronological list. Then hand it over at the appt. (As an example, I chronicled a day which I posted here which proved very useful.) It'll help the pdoc work out if this is just normal variation or something more.

Good luck.

[Calla]

Hi there,

Thanks guys. Symora, I have wondered this myself. My little bittersweet joke to myself though is that the P in pms stands for permanent! But I do think the fluctuations could follow a pattern. And on a hormonal point of view I can't take the contraceptive pill. My nurse kept telling me it wouldn't affect me but I know how badly it did. Yet another reason I can't talk to them, when I do pluck up the courage to say anything they bat me aside.

And David, my cousin has been diagnosed with Bipolar and paranoia. And my Mum was prescribed anti depressants many years ago but she's a bit like me and doesn't go to the doctors. And my Dad has fibromyalgia which I believe can lead to depression. As I say, I don't feel the doctors is an option, so will carry on with the exercise and venting on here when it gets too bad. I've just gone into a low swing again and waiting for the law of physics to force me out the other side again. I have slight ocd tendancies which have been worse the last few days and my fixation with problems with my appearance. The rational part of my brain tells me I'm in for a bit of a downer when I start getting obsessed with my face again. But I just wait for the good days.

And Luna, yes I will try writing it all down, to see if I can see any real patterns or anything to avoid. And doesn't cortisol also make it difficult to maintain weight, which would also make sense for me. I am trying to find ways to relax but it's not always easy.

I read something by the Dalai Lama which said that if the law of averages means some people must suffer and that any hardships we go through mean someone else does not have to, then we should suffer gladly. He put it far more poetically I'm sure but I do take some strange comfort from it.

[Luna-]

Yes, cortisol makes you put on weight, I know it only too well. Another reason to learn stress management techniques.

[Calla]

Here it goes again!! I've had actually a good day. Did somethings that needed doing, enjoyed the afternoon in the sun and than BAM! 5pm and I'm suddenly overcome by a feeling of sadness and loneliness. Managed to get through my gym workout but on the way home I had the realisation I was going home to an empty place once again and had an overwhelming urge to hold my breath. Just so I was no longer breathing.

Then once I got home I instinctively opened a bottle of wine again because it's dulls things. Why after a nice day?

[Symora]

I get that too. I'm on my way home and suddenly I want to go anywhere but there since it's so empty, except for Blue and Mushu the kitties of course, and they really do appreciate my company:) Living alone is a dual edged sword. It's nice because I don't have to accommodate anyone, I can do what I want when I want, but there is also loneliness and a sense of uselessness sometimes... I hope the Dalai Lama is right and it helps somebody else in the grand scheme of things:rolleyes:!

[Calla]

Yes it's true. I would find it hard to accomodate someone now I think. But I'd at least like the chance to try. And animals are a great comfort. Unfortunately I only have fish who don't pay much attention.

Yes I hope the Dalai Lama is right. Would bring some sort of purpose. Although wouldn't it be nice if the world was equal in all things for once. Happiness included. Good things DO NOT happen to good people I have found.

[Jetliner]

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