Getting this off my chest too!

[Calla]

Sorry for ranting again but I just want to get this off my chest too. Again it needs no replies just want it out of my head and out in "the ether"

And I never know where to put these threads but as it all leads back to my moods so I end up in this one.

Bascially there is someone in my life who is a really negative force on my mental state. And it's hard to get rid of them. I'll try and tell the short version!

I go to the gym a lot to try and help myself with exercise and it does make me feel better, it was my sanctuary really But it's been ruined by 2 people! But the first is the worst. A young man who works there starting paying me a lot of attention 2 years ago. This is someone I wouldn't really have given the time of day a few years ago. But now being more insecure and lonely I was flattered. We became "friends" on a social networking site and swapped numbers. And we swapped rather flirty texts. It was actually my insecurities which stopped anything more happening (I won't have sex again because of how I look). Since then I have found out he does this with most female members. So perversely it was actually my problems that saved me from making a big mistake. He has been cheating on all his girlfriends, going from one to the next. But being an insecure and sometimes pathetic person I clung in there actually just wanting this person to like me as a friend as I thought maybe part of him liked me as a person after all our conversations. But he really is a piece of work. For his last 3 girlfriends he has texted me trying to get me to meet him for sex. Even though for 2yrs I have said no!!

What makes it worse is he constantly tells the world what a great person he is. How he is fed up of girls treating him badly. How he wishes he could be more selfish!!! I want to shout all over his profile page what a lying hypocrite he is!! I think he actually BELIEVES all the stuff he says. He was supposed to be madly in love with the last girl but was still texting me and 2 days after they split up was seeing someone else!! But I know telling everyone the truth won't make me feel any better. Especially as I am angry with myself that part of my annoyance actually comes from the fact I wanted him to really like me and he didn't. So although I tell myself I would be doing women a favour getting the truth out I would actually just be doing it out of spite and jealousy. Why is it though when someone is so awful there is still part of us that clings on!

I know I should get rid of him off my profile but I did this a while ago and then after a bit of time I start to think "maybe he isn't that bad" and we reconnected. At least this way I can always remind myself how awful he is.

Sorry for that. I know in the scheme of things and compared to what other people are going through this is silly and insignificant. But it really has had a bad effect on my state of mind. I do feel better for stating all that. It makes me read it back and it sounds pathetic. Which makes me feel stronger to move on.

[Calla]

Sorry that was so pathetic and more like teenage angst than depression. I think it's just brought to my attention how much weaker I am than a few years ago. If I felt stronger I wouldn't be begging some selfish user for friendship. I would have walked away with my head held high. Time to get a life.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Calla,

Please, stop being so hard on yourself and stop beating up on yourself. You are not a teenager and your anger and frustration are understandable. My suggestion, delete him from your life and congratulate yourself for catching him and stopping this. So what that you were attracted. Its more important that you became aware. Be furious with him, not with you.

Allan:)

[Judgement]

Straight up, Allan.

I second everything you said. And Calla, I think you grow an inch stronger by every passing day actually. Looking back at what you did yesterday, you realize something new and learn more, and the same procedure continues the next day. What you're doing is called reflecting, and it's what makes us humans mentally stronger and more stable.

I wholeheartedly believe you can pull through this!

T.M

PS: Apologies if I seemed a little spontaneous or radical.

[mscat]

Calla,

Please, stop being so hard on yourself and stop beating up on yourself. You are not a teenager and your anger and frustration are understandable. My suggestion, delete him from your life and congratulate yourself for catching him and stopping this. So what that you were attracted. Its more important that you became aware. Be furious with him, not with you.

Allan:)

I totally agree with Allen , be angry at him not yourself !

[Calla]

Thanks guys. Sorry was being a little bit dramatic again! I just wish he didn't work at my gym!! I go there a lot as it helps me. I was there earlier doing my interval running which helps lift me and as I leave...there he is on reception. No escape. But yes I am angry with him too. Thats why I want to do my "superhero" bit and save the rest of womenkind!! But I know there is no point in that. On good days I can see the funny side of the whole sorry business...other days it brings me down.

I guess I am just missing a bit of male attention and it made me a bit vulnerable.

[malign]

Calla,

I'm going to try an exercise with this, that isn't all that easy for me, but I thought I would give it a try anyway. I'm going to try to list all the positives in this experience!

1. You are now aware of your loneliness. That's the first step in being able to do something constructive about it, instead making a mistake by ignoring it.

2. You are now aware of a tendency to accept people whom you wouldn't normally, due to low self-esteem. Again, you can't do much about something until you're aware of it.

3. Low-life that he may be, it's quite clear that you're not unacceptable to this guy. It's a compliment, even if you have to discount the source, somewhat.

4. You didn't actually fall for this guy's load of ... stuff. You might have been tempted, but you actually had the pride and presence of mind to choose not to give in.

Anyway, I'll stop now. But I think it should bring to mind how much stronger you still are, than you think you are. The part that clings on is a part of you, and has nothing to do with who you're clinging to. That part wants to relate to people, and that's important. You just have to give her someone worth clinging to. :-)

[Calla]

Well thank you for taking the trouble to do that. I do appreciate it. I'm so glad I found you guys!!

Yes I can see those as positives. The problem with the loneliness is that I'm just one of those people that other people don't really like. Maybe my tendancy to ramble on about nonsense drama has something to do with it! But it's true. I have accepted it somewhat as a way of dealing with it. And I have been strong enough to think that I can't change myself completely and if people don't like me so be it.

And yes I have tried to think of it as a bit of an ego boost, especially as he is a bit younger. But I suspect he's not too fussy!

I think the problem with me is I can have days of complete clarity. And feel such joy that my problems seem to have gone and then in a flash I'm back in my dark hole. So those clear days are enough to steer me away from making any drastic mistakes. But what if the clear days get less and less.

I think perhaps this is mild depression? Not severe? So I'm sorry to people really suffering who must find me very annoying and self indulgant

[malign]

But I think you're projecting that reaction out onto other people. I don't find you annoying or self-indulgent.

Yes, he's not very fussy, but he's not running away screaming, and that's how you describe yourself, otherwise (you said at one point that you wouldn't have sex any more because of how you look). Maybe if you found a nice guy, you'd be surprised.

I'd also question "I'm just one of those people that other people don't really like." There may have been people who didn't really like you, but that's not something you can generalize because, as you're probably aware, we're all different. :-)

[Calla]

Thank you again...and thank you for spelling indulgent right!! I thought it didn't look quite right!! Haha.

I have a problem with a particular part of my body as well as the whole thing....but I suspect this is the wrong subject for this thread. But yes he wasn't horrified at the whole package I guess.

Have you ever known one of those people who can just get away with anything? I used to have a group of friends and one of them was always a bit difficult. Being moody with everyone, lying, causing trouble. But people always said "oh thats just her" and forgave her everything. But when I had a few troubles people dropped me like a hot cake. As soon as I left my job of 11yrs where I thought I had a few friends people just started ignoring me....etc etc. I don't inspire people to care about me is how I see it.

I can be very shy at times too which doens't help. I do take some responsibility for not makng enough effort too.

[malign]

Calla, can you see that you're still busy finding and listing negatives? :-)

Friends and family used to hound me about that, too. And I have to admit that I think my attitude changed first, and then I've been gradually working on the negativity habit. But the therapist types often say that you're going to believe whatever you spend all your time telling yourself.

So, how about listing (to yourself) the body parts you like?

The things, other than body parts, that you like about yourself?

The things you do well, in friendships?

Looking at the possibility that people who haven't stayed friends with you, might have had their own reasons, unrelated to you, at all?

It takes a long time to change our thinking, and it is work.

But it's doable work.

[Calla]

I understand what you are saying. But at the end of the day the vast majority of people have a need to be validated by another human being. And if that never happens and most of the time you actually get abuse then you're not going to be able to find much positivity. Excuse me while I crawl back into my hole.

[malign]

I'm sorry, Calla, if anything I said made you feel anything other than validated ... I was just saying that I, too, have similar feelings, and have made a little progress on the subject. But that was meant, not to make me seem "better", but to reassure you that, if I can do it, anyone can.

[Calla]

I did get the spirit in which you meant it. I just mean that no one who meets me in real life validates me as a worthy likeable human being. So I can't really come up with any positives right now.

I know it's a bit "chicken and egg" but I do believe that I am mostly the way I am because of how I've been treated not the other way round.

[malign]

I understand that belief, and can't question it, because we're talking about the past. However, for the future ... You can accept that people have treated you badly, but you have no evidence that they did so because of your attributes, and not theirs.

And the only way to move on, to start attempting to deal with people again, to even stand a chance of unlearning this belief, is to start on the inside, with your own beliefs. After all, only on the inside are we both chicken and egg. :-)

And it's not just "pulling yourself up by your bootstraps", at least not in one step. It involves lots of little steps: identifying those questionable little thoughts that don't have any logical support, substituting more realistic ones, and continuing to do that until you one day find that things don't look as bleak as you thought, that people in fact have been validating you throughout, only you didn't see it that way, before.

See? I've become even more positive than _I_ realized. :-)

[Calla]

There are all sorts of different people and lives being lived. I don't see it's so wrong to live a life of solitude. Like I said in an earlier post I have been stronger by accepting myself and that being myself means being alone.

I will never have another sexual relationship again, one because of the way I look but also because I don't think it's fair to the other person.

And I find people draining and hurtful.

Anyway perhaps we have gone off topic so I'll draw it to a close here. Thanks for your words.

[malign]

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. :-)

I just hope you'll keep an open mind.

[Calla]

Somethings and some people just make me feel stupid.

[malign]

You don't seem stupid to me.

[Calla]

I think I'm having a bit of love/hate relationship with this site. I thought people would understand that if sometimes you don't have the strength or energy to get out of bed or walk out the door, how are you meant to have the strength to change your whole life and beliefs?

[malign]

I'm sorry, Calla. I wasn't trying to imply that any of this is easy.

[Calla]

I know what you are saying. It is too hard for me so I gave up years ago. If I wasn't such a damn coward I'd put a stop to it all.

Perhaps this site isn't for me after all.

[malign]

I hope you won't decide that based solely on our conversation; I'm just one person here. Certainly, no one says you have to change anything.

I'm sorry if I've made you feel worse.

[Calla]

I know that wasn't your intention. But my life has been full of people telling me I'm not trying hard enough or not doing the right things. I just wrote this post to get off my chest what someone else had made me feel like. But as always it comes down to ME and ME not trying hard enough. Sometimes life is about how other people act and the effect that has and not always about the individual. How do I delete this thread?

[David O]

I think I'm having a bit of love/hate relationship with this site. I thought people would understand that if sometimes you don't have the strength or energy to get out of bed or walk out the door, how are you meant to have the strength to change your whole life and beliefs?

Calla,

I do think we understand all too well, it may just not be coming across as we intend, so things get distorted at times.

Calla, I hate to keep telling stories, but I think this one is appropriate for this moment. There was a recent study in which the researchers were looking at self control and fatigue. They had 2 groups of participants assigned to sit at a table. One was allowed to eat as many cookies as they wanted from a bowl in the center. Another group was also seated but was allowed only to eat from a bowl with celery, but they could not eat a cookie- they had to control their impulse to eat cookies.

The groups were then asked to solve a puzzle, which in reality was not solvable. What they discovered was that those who had eaten cookies remained on task approximately 19 minutes on average; however, the group who had been forced to control their desire (the ones who could only eat the celery) to eat the cookies were exhausted after only 9 minutes. Subsequent similar studies were conducted with the similar results each time.

In the end, what the study concluded was that self regulation and self control are resources that can be easily depleted/used up and that people can become exhausted when they are in a state of constantly trying to control certain aspects of their life.

What this means for those with a mental health issue that requires constant attention and emotional resources to manage is that it can cause a depletion of self control resources to the point that they are incapable of doing more than even the minimal amount. Given this, even getting out of bed, or washing up, or putting one's clothes on can be so much more than what they can manage-- there is nothing left if everything has been exhausted just managing the illness.

I've struggled most of my life with the very exhausting memories and flashbacks from my 14 years of childhood in Mexico. There have been days and nights that the images, sounds and smells of being tortured, beaten, raped and being forced to watch others die under a violent dictatorship have left me so exhausted that even lifting a spoon to feed myself was a major chore, as was waking up, getting dressed, brushing my teeth... everything seemed to require 100 times the effort it should have. The simple act of getting up would at times be all I could do, and then I was exhausted.

I think most of us in here understand this and have been there in one way or another and sometimes we do the very best we can with where and who we are at that time. I ask that you please be patient with us, stick around and make your voice heard, eventually we'll understand better what you speak of.

With compassion and understanding,

David