My oddities

[Calla]

I know I seem to post in every subject but I have a whole range of things going on! It's like they are all mild but add up to something stressful.

I have long thought I have OCD to some degree. I do the obvious things of not being able to leave the house without checking everything several times. I sometimes go and stand in a room just staring at it not sure what I am looking for but just seeing if something is "wrong"

I also have a weird thing with food. I can live in my flat with a bit of mess here and there as most people do. Washing up needs doing, or clothes putting away etc. And thats fine but the moment I sit down to eat I suddenly can't stand it and have to get up and start tidying up. The amount of meals that have gone cold because I can't stand it. I keep trying to tell myself that it can wait and is not urgent, sometimes this works, sometimes not. It's a strange feeling.

But my most concern is the way I burst into tears over anything to do with dogs. I was feeling fine a few moments ago and saw a women with her dancing dog and burst into floods of tears!!! I mean it was hardly a sad story!! This happens all the time with anything dog related good or bad. A bad story has days worth of effect. Thankfully this is usually when I am on my own. What is that all about?

[Calla]

Just seen a thing about dogs searching out survivors in an earthquake and cried. Think I am just going to have to switch over if I see anything now.

[Calla]

Yeah it's ok. People are as interested in what I have to say here as they are in real life. Not sure why I thought it would be any different. I just have a dislikable aura I guess. Well it's been a pleasure. Take care all.

[Luna-]

Um Calla, not a lack of interest. Not knowing what to say mostly.

And the deceptive thing about online forums is that we think no response = no-one is listening. That isn't true.

[malign]

Calla,

Part of the problem, for me, is that when I do answer you, I seem to trigger posts about how I should have responded ... Too much this, too little that. It has nothing to do with a "dislikable aura"; I just don't know what to say.

Is there a reason that stories or images related to dogs trigger you, or is it just that they tap into a reservoir of emotion that you don't get the chance to release, any other way?

[Symora]

My dear Calla, please don't take it personally that the tread was not picked up. It just happens. You have started other threads that got lots of feedback...

We all have our ideosyncracies (how the heck do you spell that:confused:) I can't stand it very long when my house is a mess either. As far as dogs are concerned, I know lots of people who are very sensitive with regards to dogs. My cubicle colleague at work is a hard-ass, swears a lot, very impatient with people and avoid any socializing with us. But when she talks about her dog she's a mushball and she cries at all movies and books that involve dogs. Perhaps it is their innocence, I don't know.

Have you had dogs all your life? I've never had a dog myself so I can't relate too much. For me it's kids and old people, I am very sensitive when I see things happen to them...

[Calla]

Well thank you Malign for pointing out why I don't deserve replies. I did apologise to you when I reacted badly but clearly I have a black mark against me. It's probably quite an achievement to be the worst person to ever enter the forum though hey? And I don't remember telling you "too much this, too much that" I had a rant once when I could quite clearly see an approach was making someone feel worse but that was nothing to do with you.

[malign]

Calla,

I'm sorry; it's possible that I'm not approaching this very well, myself, today. You'll find I said nothing about you being "deserving" or not, only about why I found it difficult to reply. I distilled my reaction into the sentence "too little, too much", not that you had ever said that, directly. What I was trying to say was that _I_ felt criticized, on another thread, and so didn't know how to respond to this one. The issue is, how would I know that the other thread had nothing to do with me? I'm not without self-doubts, after all, despite trying to stay positive. But I try not to bear grudges or "black marks". I just didn't want to respond in a way that might make you feel worse, in part because that would make me feel worse.

[Calla]

Some people clearly just don't "get" each other. I apologised several times to you last time but thats obviously not good enough. And again you put words in my mouth saying it was nothing to do with you. But I have no interest in taking part in a public argument. So lets just agree you don't comment on my threads and I won't comment on yours and there will be no more misunderstandings.

[malign]

That's one way to go.

But the way I see it, that makes the misunderstanding permanent.

Would you be willing to discuss this with me, instead?

I would really rather find a way to deal with it civilly.

[Calla]

I am being civil by just ending it there. I decided many years ago to look after myself by cutting out people who make me feel terrible. Whether they mean to or not.

Not everyone in life can get on. This is evident in all walks of life. People may have long running feuds or fake friendships. Or in my personal view just let it slide and move on.

[Calla]

Plus until very recently you decided to ignore me because of all the awful things I have done....so this is no different really. But this way we both know where we stand.

[malign]

Well, I apologize if I've made you feel bad.

I will do as you ask, to the extent that I can.

[Calla]

My very final word is that you cannot possibly understand exactly how bad you have made me feel. There is no point in me continuing on here if people don't want to respond to me. And have no interest in what I have to say to others as well. Please don't waste you're time with some polite albeit untrue response. You said it yourself people can't reply to me because of how I might react. Like I say it's an honour to be the worst person here. What has been a life line to me has now become a huge burden.

[IrmaJean]

Calla, can we start over? Maybe you could find it in your heart to forgive us and start anew? We accept you, Calla. I'm sorry I didn't respond sooner. I've been in a bit of a funk today. Please keep talking with us. We'd like to know you better.

[Luna-]

Calla,

I shall speak for myself, but I know I speak for many.

I became an RN because I wanted to make a difference in people's lives. I picked psychiatric nursing to specialise in because - well, because I could relate, I felt I had some understanding and by helping others I help myself, too. But I can't help everyone - here or anywhere - and there are many days when I need my strength for myself and my daughters - we are, after all, my first priority. We're all here because we have mental illnesses and need support and understanding and connections. We're very fallible, all of us.

We're the wrong people to be annoyed with, Calla. We shouldn't be targets. I'm not here in any professional capacity. I struggle and fall down. I'm tired. I'm bouncing between hypomania and exhaustion. I have to take meds that make me tired and foggy. Sometimes I make the mistake of not posting here when I'm in need myself as I don't want to burden others. And that's not fair to me, I'm allowed to cry here, too. I don't handle aggression or anger or being lashed out at, at all well and I also need to feel safe and not be attacked here.

That I didn't know what to say, and therefore didn't reply does not mean anything personal towards you. You're not being rejected and we can't help that's how you feel - that is your own responsibility, we're adults, remember? Please try to understand that everyone has oddities, we burn out sometimes too. And please don't be angry with us, that we happened not to reply to you this time around. It's absolutely fine to vent and lament and post as much as you want to - I need it too - but sometimes it is me, and others who need help. Help is reciprocal, isn't it?

I didn't get enough sleep last night and I woke up at 4am with a pounding headache. I'm tired. I feel miserable and I'm crying now. Some days I despair. And when you attack my friends for saying or not saying something, it hurts me and I cry because we aren't therapists on duty. We're here in a kind of group therapy and heaven knows I need this place to be friendly too, where I can lay my burdens down too.

Perhaps malign is snowed under? Perhaps he is having difficulties too? Perhaps those of us who are moderators have been busy behind the scenes to keep someone else safe? (We were.) Perhaps many of us have recently lost someone we liked very much? (We have.) We're not any greater than you are and I'm sorry this sounds harsh, but it isn't always all about you.

Today I woke up feeling horrible, logged on, found this - and burst into tears. I wonder why I do this and feel like giving up - what happened to my own safe space and why is someone being attacked for NOT saying something? We're good people and we don't deserve this.

I'm tired. Others are tired. Please try to understand?

[Calla]

Ah yes see the classic this is all my fault and I was attacking your friends. Which is precisely my point. When I first joined I tried to help other people. I tried to say nice and comforting things. But for whatever reasons no one here wants to be friends with me. And no one "rallies round" me like others do. And so I was stating how I feel, which lets face it as everyone says this forum is for. I have written many a blog or thread reaching out. I can see it's had 80 views and no replies so I start to wonder why and speak out.

And then I am attacked by Malign. I think you'd actually find in real life I am one of the nicest people I know to be fair to myself. I would never intentionally hurt someone or bad mouth someone. I put others first a lot of the time. However if I feel attacked which I do now I will fight back. And that is what I did. But just like my dislikeable persona always states.....other people will defend someone else even though I am just sticking up for myself. I cried when I felt people were making Lifeless feel worse on another thread and I was trying to help. But I didn't launch into a personal, public and vitriolic attack. Yes we all have feelings and that does actually include me. However it is clear for whatever reason I have become a looked upon as "do not touch may bite" So it is clear there is no point in me coming back as I am unable to post anything now. but I still find it shocking that I have managed to P@~s people off more than anyone else who lashes out because they feel like the walking dead.

When I said take care to everyone I genuinely meant it.

[IrmaJean]

Calla, Malign is a very gentle and kind person. He never intended to say anything which would upset you. In fact he was saddened that you'd been upset by this. Sometimes our words may not come out just the way we intended them to or they aren't perceived the way we intended them...We've suffered a loss this week and so maybe all of us are a little bit off. We want to help, I promise.

[Calla]

I am just going to make it clear I did not attack malign for not replying. I did not attack anyone personally. I vented because I was hurting and then I felt attacked. The bombshell was dropped that I am too voliatile to reply to. Although as I have stated I have seen people behave just the same or worse. And I apologised countless times for the day I lashed out. But it is still held against me.

Maybe I skirt around things a lot because I don't actually want to admit things. But everyday I have to stop myself from ending my life. Every day I have to stop myself ploughing my car into something. Every day I wake up having to get through the day and feel absolutely gutted I haven't passed away in my sleep because here it goes again. So no to everyone else it's not all about ME. But sometimes when it hurts to me it is and no one else needs to get involved or do anything. Just carry on ignoring me and let me vent. And I have said many things trying to help other people actually. And I always read other threads and wish I could help. The only reason I don't get involved more is because I am worried I won't help and I'll say the wrong thing. So I have actually tried to give back. Right now I can leave with my head held high having defended myself.

[Calla]

I am sorry to hear you've all had a loss. I do understand other people here hurt and have their own problems. But like I say I was encouraged to vent when I joined.

Vent, post and post again. And that is what I do. But it has marked my card. I wish you all peace.

[IrmaJean]

Your card isn't marked, Calla. We're here for you.

I think what Malign meant originally was that he didn't want to upset you...NOT that you were too volatile to respond to. He didn't want to hurt you.

[Sherzade]

IrmaJean and everyone in this website, I am very sorry about the loss . My condolences.

I am also sorry Calla that you feel unheard. Sometimes we feel that we are not worthy of care and we interpret any kind of reaction as proof of that, even if it has nothing to do with being worthy or not.

Sometimes the environment can't meet our most immediate needs.

Take care.

[Calla]

Thank you and no I don't feel worthy. Maybe some of this stems from the fact that because I find it so hard to admit what I am feeling, when I post the most trivial stuff is actually when I am suffering the most. I don't want to say "Guys I'm going to hurt myself" because I don't want to put it out there. So I spout something trivial just to talk to someone and have someone recognise my existance.

However for whatever reason I have not been warmed to, just like happens in real life. I radiate something which provokes disinterest. And yes I know people have been dealing with a lot. If no one views something I would not have said anything but when you see a lot of people have viewed but not one acknowledgement it just hurt.

I have known for many years that as soon as my Mum passes away I will end my life. This has been the plan all along. I won't put her through it while she is still here. So many people will be glad not to have the burden of me around. And I will not have the burden of my poorly brain. It's win/win. There is an increasing argument for euthansia for people suffering debilitating illness and as far as I can see that is what I have. Just because it's not physical its not a reason I can't die with dignity. Rather than go through life like this. I often wish I could patent my "invisibilty cloak" at least I would be rich and leave a mark on the world!

So for whatever reasons this site hasn't worked for me. But it doesn't mean I don't think you all do a very good (unpaid) job. Keep up the good work guys and keep looking out for each other x

[Guest ASchwartz]

Calla,

I am not aware of anyone not warming to you or not liking you. In fact, this comes as a surprise to me. I am not sure why you are feeling this way but, I am willing to bet that everyone wants you to stay here. This is a community and we come to know one another quite well. Perhaps I have to gotten around to you enough. We do have a problem of not enough staff. However, our volunteers do a great job, as you mention.

Why do you believe people do not warm to you in real life?

Why would you want to take your life when your mother passes away?

Please don't leave and, instead, tell us more about you.

Allan:(

[Calla]

I guess people don't like me because I am alcoholic trash. I try to be nice, kind, funny etc but no one bothers with me. I have few friends. And no it's not because I am so horrible, I ended up this way because I became bitter with people not noticing me.

I have started reading the book you suggested but it's so big I got scared. That sounds stupid. But I think it will take me forever. but I do recognise that I "mind read" and "fortune tell" a lot.

The common saying of "get a life" comes to mind. Maybe I cant take my life because I don't actually have one. I can just snuff out the breath that is stealing other peoples air.