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Domination (not sure what to call it)


Calla
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I'm slightly embarrassed talking about this but it is something that is in danger of taking over my life. I can't stop thinking about having a sexual relationship with a dominant.

I haven't had a relationship for many years and this is part of the reason. Because this is the sort of relationship I think about.

I've spent a lot of time talking to strangers about it on the internet and then afterwards feel ashamed and sometimes cry. But when the moment hits I can't help myself. I feel it's bordering on an addiction. Which again is why I stop myself having any sort of real relationship.

I don't understand what is happening. (along with most things in my life) But at times it feels right but then has the power to make me feel so so bad. I've tried to stop going on the sites so much because for some reason it makes my depression unbelievably worse....but then I can't imagine having a "normal" sexual relationship....I'm confused.

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I'm slightly embarrassed talking about this but it is something that is in danger of taking over my life. I can't stop thinking about having a sexual relationship with a dominant.

I haven't had a relationship for many years and this is part of the reason. Because this is the sort of relationship I think about.

I've spent a lot of time talking to strangers about it on the internet and then afterwards feel ashamed and sometimes cry. But when the moment hits I can't help myself. I feel it's bordering on an addiction. Which again is why I stop myself having any sort of real relationship.

I don't understand what is happening. (along with most things in my life) But at times it feels right but then has the power to make me feel so so bad. I've tried to stop going on the sites so much because for some reason it makes my depression unbelievably worse....but then I can't imagine having a "normal" sexual relationship....I'm confused.

Sorry your in pain...wish I could help... for what its worth, I think it is impossible to BE without being SOMETHING...some role in the play so to speak, and these roles are frequently cast FOR us in childhood. wish you well

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Do you think my role is just to be submissive then? Just give in to it and not be ashamed?

I have often spoken about regressing memories. Do you think I was dominated as a child?

I have been sick and just up to get a drink of water but in my own experience, we try to prove the truth we were given as children (right or wrong)....sorry..more later

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Calla, you may delete anything you are uncomfortable with leaving. Maybe just think about why you're doing it?

As to the reasons behind the domination thoughts, I could only speculate. Maybe you feel more comfortable with another in control? Giving up your own power in the situation? Or it could be paradoxical. You might feel more in control in being the person desired. Could be many different reasons. Maybe if you consider the possibilities one will ring true to you.

It is courageous to post your concerns here, Calla.

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Thank you but if I have been quoted won't my words still be there?

I just don't like the fact that people always seem to think everything comes down to being abused as a child. I do not think we can put all issues down to that, it's too simple in a way and mental health is surely more complex?

I have wondered if it's about giving up the power. My job can be quite stressful and I have to work to deadlines and makes quick choices. So this is giving someone else responsibility for sexual choices.

Growing up sex was made to feel a bit wrong as well, so I wonder if it's about being able to say "it wasn't my fault I had sex and enjoyed it....I was being controlled" Does that make sense?

If people think there is nothing wrong with this fetish than thats great. It's only the guilt that makes me feel so bad. But obviously meeting men from the internet is not a safe situation.

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Do you think my role is just to be submissive then? Just give in to it and not be ashamed?

I have often spoken about regressing memories. Do you think I was dominated as a child?

Im back and feeling a little better. 1st let me say that I can relate somewhat to what you are feeling (I think) because I have had obsessive thoughts of submission all my life, in my case I am almost certain it is the ego defense mechanism "Conversion Reaction" at work. In other words, it is not what I really want but rather a mask to cover what I really want which is of course to dominate.

When we deny the natural uges we feel say in childhood, those urges do not go away, but get stronger, the stronger they become the more we must deny them, and eventually they become so strong they really ARE un-natural and at that point we must use any one of various ego defense mechanisms to protect ourselves from the overwhelming feelings of guilt, shame, rage, helplessness etc..

One of these may be projection...accusing others of being what we know we are, but don't want others to find out, "they are bad, not me"

Another might be Displacement (running your fist through a wall rather than hit the the Martial Arts Teacher) Or in my case Conversion Reaction (pretending, and eventually believing (consciously)you are the opposite of what you fear you are)

Im sorry I am rambling, and probably sounding condescending (it a Fault) I just want you to know that I will be the last to judge what a person feels and the first to judge the society that caused him/her to feel that way.

It is Ironic that one of the greatest psychopaths in history more or less had it right when he wrote "It is not eneugh to pass laws against deviants and homosexuals, ONE MUST WORK TO ELIMINATE THE SOCIAL CONDITIONS THAT CREATE THEM" emphasis mine. Hitler was a child of violence, coldness regimentation, death, etc. thus he merely repeated the pattern of his childood.

So it seems to me, if we are in pain, the first place to look is to the past experiences that created us.

It would be interesting to do a poll to find out how many of us on this forum were raised the only child of loving, stable parents....I bet NONE!...Oh and for various reasons, I don't consider being raised with a step-parent or single parent to be the equivalent.

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I will be honest I like to think of myself as quite an intelligent person but I understood very little of your post or how it related to me.

But I certainly don't think that I actually want to be dominant. In my life I am independant and speak out when I need to.

What I am not getting from people is whether following through a fetish is such a bad thing. If both people are consenting.

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I don't know that anyone can really answer that, there are so many angles to it. When I was reading your post, I was seeing in my mind's eye a lion over a lioness, being very dominant and macho with her, and she submissive and accepting this naturally. I suspect there is still some of that animal instinct left in us, that makes dominance and submission a dance between partners, and I think those needs are different for each of us. I don't do well with too much dominance, although I like when a man is confident and does a bit of his lion thing :)

But too much dominance and I start feeling like I turn into a victim and that I don't like that at all - it awakens all sort of other instincts like agression (flight or flight), flashbacks of abuse, fear. Eash of us is so different. I suspect that at some point, when something turns into masochism or sadism, there are other things at play that may be darker and less healthy, where sex intersects with other personal issues. But I am far from being an expert on the matter so that was only my opinion...

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I will be honest I like to think of myself as quite an intelligent person but I understood very little of your post or how it related to me.

But I certainly don't think that I actually want to be dominant. In my life I am independant and speak out when I need to.

What I am not getting from people is whether following through a fetish is such a bad thing. If both people are consenting.

The Pagans, wiccans, Buddists etc have a saying: "Do what you will, and harm none" Sounds pretty reasonable to me.

That said, one must ask...is it healthy? If I get off on getting naked and having a naked woman choke or cut me, or vice versa, thats between me and her, but it is, or can be, very unhealthy.

The post was not directed at you as I know nothing of the particulars of your situation, your past etc. they were just general info that I thought might be usefull.

If this fetish, or fantasy, or compulsion causes you pain, then the "payoff" must be at least as great as the pain itself, Maybe the payoff is you feel wanted, desired at least for a minute, or maybe you don't really like yourself the way you are "independant" "outspoken" or whatever, only you can say. Maybe if you could say what YOU think is happening and why, someone could relate and give their feed-back?

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Yes that is a very good point. One of the men I have spoken to said that maybe for some people society had moved on faster than evolution. For that exact reason that the instinct in us is to be submissive. I suppose being hit on the head by a club and dragged back to the cave. But I am fiercely independant in life and hate feeling like this.

I think the problem for me is that it is just one more reason for keeping myself isolated and alone. Because I feel like I don't want to be in a relationship when this is the sort I want....if that makes sense.

I'm feeling particuarly bad tonight. The man I have spoken about on this forum before is back. Declaring his undying love. But the man reason we started speaking is because we share this "fantasy". And I know I shouldn't speak to him.....but I'm just so lonely and bored I find myself getting dragged back in. :)

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The Pagans, wiccans, Buddists etc have a saying: "Do what you will, and harm none" Sounds pretty reasonable to me.

That said, one must ask...is it healthy? If I get off on getting naked and having a naked woman choke or cut me, or vice versa, thats between me and her, but it is, or can be, very unhealthy.

The post was not directed at you as I know nothing of the particulars of your situation, your past etc. they were just general info that I thought might be usefull.

If this fetish, or fantasy, or compulsion causes you pain, then the "payoff" must be at least as great as the pain itself, Maybe the payoff is you feel wanted, desired at least for a minute, or maybe you don't really like yourself the way you are "independant" "outspoken" or whatever, only you can say. Maybe if you could say what YOU think is happening and why, someone could relate and give their feed-back?

PS: A couple of good movies you might find informative and entertaining; "Sweet Charity" "Looking for Mr. Goodbar" "The Stone Boy"

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  • 5 months later...
I'm slightly embarrassed talking about this but it is something that is in danger of taking over my life. I can't stop thinking about having a sexual relationship with a dominant.

I haven't had a relationship for many years and this is part of the reason. Because this is the sort of relationship I think about.

I've spent a lot of time talking to strangers about it on the internet and then afterwards feel ashamed and sometimes cry. But when the moment hits I can't help myself. I feel it's bordering on an addiction. Which again is why I stop myself having any sort of real relationship.

I don't understand what is happening. (along with most things in my life) But at times it feels right but then has the power to make me feel so so bad. I've tried to stop going on the sites so much because for some reason it makes my depression unbelievably worse....but then I can't imagine having a "normal" sexual relationship....I'm confused.

Your situation is not really bad at all, it just that you dont understand what is healthy and what is not healthy so you are struggling. In your case, you are perfectly healthy in your desires or fantasies but you are ashamed do to your lack of understaning. I have a situation that I would like to share with you ...I'll send it by pm

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Hi Calla, I am pretty new here myself, so I cannot claim to be an expert, but if it is any help I can tell you that this type of activity works fine within a normal relationship. You also mentioned concerns about it being an addiction. Usually our addictive behavior is engaged in to escape a deeper inner pain.

If you are just curious, or simply feeling adventurous, join the club! You certainly can explore these fantasies with a trusted partner. In my case I wouldn't have it any other way. My partner and I play certain roles in the bedroom and then go back to equal relationship footing outside. That way there is no shame because nobody else needs to know what we get up to behind closed doors. You'll not get that from a casual internet or bar hookup.

Based on the context in which you discuss these desires, I get the sense that you are exploring normal, healthy urges. You are interested in mapping the boundaries of your sexuality and that feels scary and a little bit naughty... sounds like a fun time to me!

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I agree with Ralph. That just seems right on.

The other thought I had was perhaps you just want a strong man. I am also extremely independent, so much so that everybody around me expects me to be superwoman, including my ex who ended up living off me. I crave a REAL man, who is strong, yet kind. Doesn't constantly want me to wear the pants in the family. Assertive but not aggressive (unless it's a mutually agreed upon roll play once in a while). Somebody I can trust to take my feelings into account. Somebody to protect me when the going gets rough.

Perhaps these are some of the things you are looking for?

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