Jump to content
Mental Support Community

There is just NO POINT


Calla
 Share

Recommended Posts

I really don't see what the point in my life is now. To top off all the things that I can't cope with...."the guy" from my other posts is now friends with me again. Anyway today we had a brief chat and he moved in for a kiss. So I ran away :o I can't deal with this anymore.

Now I don't think he is talking to me again. I am unable to have any normal interaction with any member of the opposite sex. Partly due to painful shyness but also because I think if he has too long to look at my face he will realise the truth. And don't even get me started on the thought of someone seeing me naked :eek: sorry but it's the truth and I am getting so frustrated with my lack of interaction with normal human beings.

I am replusive and so I don't let anyone person talk to me for more than a few mins so they don't get a good look.

Life for humans is about interacting and creating bonds, so there is not much point in my life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Repulsive :confused: Wow, that's a bid word Calla and no doubt a product of your low self-esteem more than reality.... This guy obviously makes you very confused.... it's like a cat and mouse game when I hear you tell the stories. Perhaps he likes to chase and you like to be chased. Is that possible?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't really know. I don't like to be chased. But I can't say about him. I had a happy 4yrs of "numbness" until he came along and made me feel I was missing certain things. Then it all got a bit confused. And for 2yrs I have been pushing him away.but he keeps coming back. I don't know why. I don't think he "loves" me or even likes me that much...maybe I have become a challenge for him?

but it just points out time and again that I am never going to be able to be near anyone. Thats quite hard. There is a remote chance I could live for another 50yrs...I can't bear that thought.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry I know I use this as a kind of advice column. But I see all this tied in with my depression. It's what stops me going ahead with any relationships.

Guy has been in contact. I feel like he is learning how to "deal" with me. If I get annoyed about something stupid he now distracts me with someone completely random which is actually a good tactic. So in some ways it seems ideal but I just can't trust him and I'm not up for putting myself in the position of getting hurt. Is that depression or am I just damaged goods?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Calla, could it be you're afraid it could work?

Putting yourself out there can be frightening, Calla. But sometimes giving happiness and joy the chance to blossom can be the very act that turns your life around. I really think it's about living your life. Calla, you deserve to feel joy and love. You deserve happiness. Maybe you could give this a shot? What do you think?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'd quite like for my life to end today I'm afraid. I've never felt it this badly :o

I am pure poison. I turned "evil" again and said some horrible things. It's the only way I know to make someone go away and leave me alone. Now I feel terrible, I can't even apologise as it was too bad.

I don't want to be here anymore.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm just an idiot...again, sorry everyone. I wish the alcohol would just hurry up and finish me off to be honest.

I don't really see the point in what could be a long life of lonely...will definitely be lonely-the could be part is the length!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Let's try and look at it this way, Calla. You've recognized a behavior within yourself. It's some form of self-destruction. The next step would be to understand why you do this and how you can do things differently in the future. Behaviors and responses can be changed. Have you ever considered going to therapy, Calla?

(((Calla)))

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't think I'm afraid of it working. I think I am afraid I will give it a go and he'll cheat on me. Or just sees me as a challenge and will go away once he gets what he wants. I mean he is 8yrs younger than me...what does he see in an old woman?! There is something suspicious about it. Especially as I am not exactly an attractive older lady!!

Anyway the horrible thing is I feel a strange sense of relief now. I've finally made him go away. But then it will be another weekend spent alone for me, because I am just going to keep doing it to anyone who dares show me any attention.

I can't afford therapy I'm afraid and the free therapy here is not so good. My dr thinks everyone is just trying to get a sick note to live on benefits.

I'm so exhausted I just don't even know what to think. It's so hot here I haven't been sleeping well and lack of sleep is my worst enemy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you. I just don't want to talk to anyone to be honest, therapy wise. I'm too shy and prefer to be on my own :P I have been trying the self taught cbt but I just can't do too much at a time.

I do need an angel of some sort. I do want someone to care about me for a change. I actually messaged guy and said he could never hate me more than I hate myself and he replied that he didn't hate me. A switch went on in my head then....you have to care about someone enough to hate them. And I don't actually think he cares at all. So I've just got back to numb again. Which is good, it's where I am safest.

Thank you for writing. Hope you are ok.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If people can't get to me physically I'm fine...if that makes any sense?! I can chat to my guy for hours on text and email. But if he comes near me in a physical sense I don't like it.

I joined a dating website trying to get out of my comfort zone. I can chat to people on there and have lovely conversations but if they mention meeting I stop talking to them.

The weird thing about that is I really miss all the physical contact that comes with an intimate relationship. But I'm too repulsive to let anyone too close.

Hope you had a nice time being outside :rolleyes:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I feel like I am on an extemely fast seesaw right now ;) If that makes sense?

One minute I feel this inner warmth, the next it's an iceberg. I looked at myself today and thought how lovely my face is(if that doesn't sound vain) A few hrs later I can't look in the mirror.

I just wish I could feel the same all the time. I wish I didn't have moments where I felt I could have a relationship but then when I'm faced with it (ie, a kiss) I realise I can't do it. It's confusing for me and of course anyone else involved!!!

A lot has been talked about on this forum about music. I've had quite a good day today and mostly down to listening to some great music. but a line from a song really struck with me. "Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, it's ok because I like the way it hurts" I kinda feel like this might be me. I'm addicted to the drama and the pain of it all and can't just lead a normal average life. Does anyone of that make sense? (that sound be my new name here...does that make sense!?)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Here's another one if you don't mind (trying to express myself through the medium of music!)

Sometimes I think I'm better off

to turn out the lights and close up shop

and give up the longing

believing in belonging

just hold down my head and take the loss

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It makes sense, Calla. There is a certain comfort in the familiar. I can remember when I went through this phase of being "uncomfortably content". I was out of therapy and had made some very positive changes, I was feeling happy with my life, but it felt weird...because it was new and unfamiliar. I had to grow into my new skin. You can get past this, Calla.

I like music too. What kind of music do you like?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

And I guess if you're content and happy there's always a risk that something is going to happen to take that away. But if you're always in turmoil you know where you stand!! Reminds me of another song "owner of a lonely heart...much better than the owner of a broken heart" But then they also better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I guess I don't someone to build me up in case they knock me down again and by knocking me down they actually push me further than I am now.

I like to think my music taste is quite eclectic. Have you heard of Daughtry? I lOVE Daughtry and have often credited his music with "saving" me. But no one else in the UK has heard of him!!! I suppose most of the music I listen to is fairly modern stuff but ranges in genre....I must admit though I never know if something is "r&b" or "rock" etc etc....to me it's all music :) What kind of music do you like?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are thinking too much (arn't we all). Thoughts like "If people can't get to me physically I'm fine," are confining your life. Despite however legitimate those thoughts are, they are not real, they are also contrary to what the "real" you knows- You love being close.

What you really want (believe it or not)is a close relationship. Your thinking self, however, will do whatever it can to deny this. It thrives on denial. Don't confuse yourself with your thoughts. Srry if this sounds preachy, I just have the same problem.

Edited by nathan
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Daughtry? Of course! He was actually the fourth place finisher on American Idol (a singing talent show here in the US) several years ago. I like his stuff too. I like most everything, but my favorite singer is Josh Groban. He is somewhere between pop and opera. Love his voice. Very me! At any rate, music stimulates my senses, so that's always a positive thing.

Are you up for a baseball analogy, Calla? :) I have three brothers. I was toughened up fairly young and they had me playing sports with them. I was an avid Red Sox fan while growing up. So here we are in Game 7 of the World Series 1986 and the Red Sox desperately need a hit or their season will soon be over. The best hitter is on the bench, but the manager doesn't bring him in to the game. Later (after they lose the game), the manager is asked why he didn't pinch hit in that situation? His answer? He was waiting for a more opportune time. What time? The game is over now. Lost opportunity. The point being, Calla, that you have to live for now. If the opportunities present themselves, go for it. Seize the day.

If you take a moment to consider things, any and all relationships will one day end. But knowing this doesn't have to stop you from feeling joy and love today. Why deny yourself the pleasures in life? You deserve to be happy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry I just ignored your reply. But why oh why are mornings so much worse. The moment I opened my eyes I know it was going to be bad. Now it's the day long process of making myself ok again. Is it like a build up of hormones or a tiredness thing? It always strikes hard morning.

But yes we get American Idol here too, so I saw him on that. Then the next series they used Home when people left and I loved it. It's still my favourite song of all time. And yes I've heard of Josh Groban, he was on a comedy programme here recently where they really made fun of him and he really went along with it!!

And Nathan I know what you mean. And yes, I do definitely want a close relationship.....or just a hug now and then! :D But it's the fear of being humiliated really. not even being hurt I can deal with that, it's being the last to know again. :o

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest ASchwartz

Calla,

I understand that people have caused you hurt. But, we are people and we are being very supportive of you and all of us care about you. Being alone is not the answer. It never is. What about trying to gelt yourself some real help in addition to us, here.

Allan:)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know people are probably getting bored of hearing about it. But I found out the guy I know was seeing someone and has been for a little while. I asked him about it and he basically said I wasn't "putting out" so what was he supposed to do. And this is the first person I chose to open up about my depression :P I asked him outright a few days ago if he was seeing someone and he said no, he lied. He doesn't understand what he has done wrong but it hurts.

Anyway I decided to finally do something proactive. he works at my gym, where I go all the time for exercise to help me. So I cancelled my membership and enquired somewhere new. Because its been going on for 2yrs and I feel the only way is to distance myself completely. But I have been a member there for 11yrs!! And I know people there. So i feel I am having a stupid grieving moment (I am an overly senstive person clearly) But I just can't get over this otherwise.

He doesn't understand my hurt as we've never been a couple and I keep rejecting him. but I've told him it's because of my depression. And he's not bothered that I've changed gyms. I know this all seems pathetic relationship stuff. But the thing is the core of it is my depression. Otherwise I'd have probably gone out on a date with him like normal people, found he was annoying or tight or something and moved on!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...