Athena Posted January 6, 2011 Report Share Posted January 6, 2011 It's been two months since somebody last threatened my existence. That was the last time I cut. My kids found out about it by accident. I feel so bad they saw that. That's probably a huge disincentive for me. In fact I went to do it the other night but my kids were home and my eldest figured out what I might be doing as I locked myself in the bathroom. I had the razor blade in my hand but something stopped me. I think it was the idea that they might feel guilty. Anyway, I hesitated long enough that my 9 year old figured out how to pick the lock and get in. So I was relieved how things worked out.Tonight I was calmer on the outside but boiling over on the inside. Existence threatened again. I thought the stupid threats were over. Man, i just want my FREEDOM, why do you torment me? I was just compelled to take action, to get some, any relief. I just quietly went upstairs like nothing was wrong and found a new discreet spot and cut away. I'm getting less stressed about this. Just trying to find the best, least noticeable spot that provides immediate relief. Well, it kind of did, but not like the other times. Maybe I'm developing some kind of immunity to it. Maybe it's the meds that I hate that I'll be going off soon because they make me feel dead.What the hell, it won't kill me. My Mom has a 14 story high balcony an hour's drive away. THAT I would not survive. But I'm not there yet. Just thinking about it more often these days.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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