Conflict Resolution: A Group Discussion

[malign]

All,

I've taken the liberty to start a thread here to discuss amongst ourselves both our feelings when we find ourselves in a conflict, and possible ways for us to resolve conflicts we encounter in our lives.

What I'm not willing to do is to watch it degenerate into a conflict of its own. I am politely requesting that those who choose to post on this thread take extra care to try to see the possible other side to every question. My experience is that in any discussion between N people, there are at least N+1 sides.

So, after that brief excursion into mathematics, I guess it's time to get started.

[shanrucas]

Thank you Malign (sigh). I feel better that this topic has its own thread. I hope that it will be productive and a learning place for all. I will join in as soon as a rest the neuro transmitters a bit.

Shannon

[malign]

Let me start us off. And to avoid inflaming any recent disputes, I'm going to use an example we have probably all witnessed, at some point: a playground dispute in elementary school.

What happens, then, if someone calls you a "poopyhead"?

Do you become a poopyhead if you don't reply? Do all the people standing around think you're a poopyhead, if you don't reply?

So, then, say you respond with, "Am not!" Do you really think that will convince the other person, and they'll suddenly say, "Hey, you're right! I was mistaken, sorry," and walk away? Don't we all know from bitter experience that they'll simply say, "Are too"?

So the next step is that you have to escalate. Clearly, the other person isn't going to stop, and we've already lost sight of why it hurts you if they don't. Fights like this usually go on to pushing, and then to punching, unless an adult intervenes at some point.

Another option to try as a response could be the counter-insult: "No, but you're a doodyface!" At least you now have the upper hand in the futile "Am not"/"Are too" race. But do you really gain from showing that you can give as good as you got? How much skill and creativity are you really demonstrating?

We've all seen this pattern. But why does it occur?

We don't know what motivated the initial insult. Quite possibly, the first child (mis-)perceived some action or word of the second one as an insult to them. It's also possible that they were just acting out some emotion of their own that they didn't know how to deal with.

Either way, once the insult comes, that's where the second child has their choice. In the end, I think the response depends on the questions I asked earlier. A child who knows that they're not a poopyhead, just because someone else says so, has a chance to decide differently. They can sidestep the insult, because they don't buy into the whole concept that you have to be hurt just because someone wanted to hurt you. When you think about it, believing otherwise means that you get hurt whenever anyone else wants you to. That's a lot of power to give some tiny stranger on the playground.

So, what are some other options? How about, "What did you say that for?" or "That's not a nice thing to say."? The first tries to share the other child's viewpoint; who knows what misunderstanding might have made them angry? The second simply states a fact and waits to see whether the problem continues.

I know that I picked a simplistic example, but that's only to start things off. I expect that there will be considerable variation in the responses I get, even so. :-)

[Guest ASchwartz]

Malign,

I have to smile because your examples are right on target and take me back to my own childhood. I also love the way you quoted what kids will call each other in the playground. Not only is it accurate but its, in its own way, very humorous.

However, to get serious, I also would like to hear from others about this.

Allan

[Lindamomof7]

I.................

[IrmaJean]

I think, though, with conflict it doesn't have to be about bullying or being picked on (though certainly this can be a part of it), it can simply be two sides disagreeing or "not getting along". One of the biggest keys in this is respect. You try to respect yourself and the other through the disagreement. You try to reserve strong judgments. You try to listen and hear the words of others who are involved. I think at times it can also be important to flex a little, though I am admittedly a pacifist and peacemaker at heart. Try challenging your thoughts. Ask yourself questions.

As to the playground example, there are two ways in which someone might react defensively. To attack back or to cower. In both, there has to be a sense that the words being directed at you ring true at some level. Somewhere you believe it to be true. I always cowered and would avoid fighting at all costs. This was not a good way to cope either because I believed the insult. I think it's important to note exactly when and where in any confrontation or argument you feel strong emotion. That response is where your pain is and may not be dependent entirely on what is occurring presently, but can also show how the present brings up feelings in a symbolic sense. Sometimes we can learn ways of relating with others in certain situations as a means of coping and then repeat our dysfunctional responses. Working on your sense of self worth would likely lessen a defensive response.

There is a theme with bullying you have mentioned Linda. Ever discuss this in therapy? Assertiveness is a healthy means of protecting yourself and may eliminate any need for aggressiveness. Still working on the assertive thing myself. I tend to be too laid back sometimes. Balance. Always balance.

[Lindamomof7]

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[malign]

Oh, I definitely was bullied when I was a kid, and feel attempts at control from others, at times.

I guess what I wonder is, are the only two alternatives to fight or to submit to control?

Because it seems to me that if those are the only options, the bully still controls the other person's reaction. There has to be more flexibility than that available when we're confronted with abuse.

[IrmaJean]

Fighting back and cowering are defensive reactions, but there are other ways to handle this. You could assert yourself calmly and firmly, but respectfully...without fighting. (my new preferred response) Sometimes this is all it takes for the other person to back off. One important factor would be not being vulnerable (or at least not appearing vulnerable) to this type of verbal attack. Easier said than done, of course, but one way to accomplish this would be not showing an outward response. When you react with emotion to an attack, it gives the other person power in the situation and this might be what they're seeking. Again, I think if your self-esteem is good to begin with, you already know the words are empty untruths. More than likely the bullying has to do with the person who is bullying. I'm no expert on this by any means, but these methods seem to be working well for my children in school.

[Lindamomof7]

..................

[IrmaJean]

The person bullying might have low self-esteem themselves. They might bring others down in an attempt to push away their own bad feelings. They might be angry and unable to handle their emotions. A child might come from an abusive background and have learned this type of behavior. A child might be attempting to find his or her place. They could feel unable to interact in healthier ways. There could be countless reasons...

It does really help to try and understand where the other person is coming from and what might be happening with them to cause this kind of behavior.

Sexual abuse has some very deep associations in the mind in its discriminatory implications. I'm sorry you went through that, Linda. I hope you are able to process some of your anger about this in therapy.

[danni]

I like how irmajean talks about being able to see the point of view of another. I think that is HUGE in dealing with conflict. It is directly related to emotional maturity and EQ. Also requires self awareness to know what our own biases and triggers are.

Conflict in and of itself is not bad. Sometimes it conflict that causes things to be better or a project to move forward in a positive and more creative way. But it almost always comes down to the ability to talk to each other in a mature and respectful way, considering EACH point of view that comes to the table and being willing or able to compromise or even conceding to what's best for the most.

I believe that I can hold my opinions and beliefs without disrespecting or smashing those of others. (agree to disagree so to speak) It's also, for me, an awareness that my beliefs stop where those of another start.

[IrmaJean]

I know, for me, if I'm feeling very emotional about anything, seeing another person's viewpoint might be a little more challenging right in that moment. That's why it's also helpful to step back and take a moment to be self-aware, gather your thoughts and regroup before you reengage with the conflict. Always best to take a breath, rethink the situation and then consider the other person's feelings and viewpoint when you are feeling calm about the situation.

[malign]

So, possibly, a belief in an absolute "right" and "wrong" are part of the problem?

The other person probably thinks they're "right", at least at the moment. Perhaps it's worth examining how they came to that conclusion.

It's likely that we think we're right, as well.

Perhaps it's worth examining whether whether there's a flaw in our own logic.

One thing that's true of all humans: we all make mistakes.

I also wanted to throw in another example from my own experience. I occasionally over-react to being cut off in traffic. The reaction can reach the level of true "road rage".

The conscious thought that occurs is that the other person endangered my life. I want to stop that from happening, so I try to protest to them in the only way possible, with my car.

Unfortunately, my subsequent actions show that the conscious thought is at best a rationalization, at worst a lie. My later actions put both of us in danger, more than if I did nothing at all.

So, what am I really feeling? I feel like the other person has just told me that I'm less important than they are, and that hurts too much to ignore. I'm willing to risk my life to show them that I'm just as important as they are (and if I were completely honest, I'd add "if not more.")

Do my actions accomplish my goal? Probably not. They will definitely notice me, but there's no reason to believe that any minds get changed. I doubt that they would behave differently, in the future.

So the only purpose to all of it, really, is to prove something to myself. Something that driving like an idiot isn't going to do.

[randomperson]

I must say I have really enjoyed reading all the posts in this thread and found them very well thought out and helpful.

Years ago I realized this through similar conversations and it changed how I looked at life. Now I am coming up to a different challenge off of the same topic one that is starting to affect me. I realize in conflict there is always another perspective, but always trying to see that perspective and to relate is driving me a bit nuts lol.

Lets say someone calls you "poopy head" and it draws back to horrible memories to years of janitorial service in the kennels. You see it for what it is know there is an alternative reason they are saying this and try to start down a different path. Asking them "why did you say such a mean thing?"

You care for them understanding they are likely hurting from something.

But they respond "Because that is what you are." and they refuse to go into a logical discussion. You understand this is not true.. but deep down part of you feels it is. You can continue to try to break through or walk away.. but in either case because of the past it is hard not to feel like a "poopy head" though you know it is not true. You can not see the other person's perspective nor know motives. Yet you want to be friends and earlier conversations led you to believe you were.

Trying to understand their perspective just leaves me frustated and more confused. Second guessing everything because I do not have enough pieces of the puzzle to have it make sense, nor enough to know how to get them to talk why they feel this way.

All the self improvement books I have read all factor in two people both trying to make things work.. either that or they say find peace in who you are. In life often the other party does not care about win/win situations and simply stuck in "poopyhead" mode do to their own personal struggles. What do you do then?

I can't see that move on and forget them is really the right answer.. but it is all I have heard.

I recently read if you deeply listen not just to the words but the meaning behind the words and not force your thoughts into the mix you can learn how to communicate most of the time. But what if they choose not to communicate? What if there is just insults and silence? How do you get them to open up?

Can you?

This is in reference to things from my past and my personal life.. love everyone here BTW!!

[malign]

Heh, the title of my first book will be "Don't Spend Your Life With People Who Think You're a Poopyhead". :-)

Seriously: you encounter a person who thinks badly of you and refuses to examine even the possibility that they're wrong. Why did you say you wanted to stick around someone like that, again?

You mention what I think is the heart of the matter, that "it is hard not to agree with them even though you know it is not true." Given that you'll probably never convince them, I would focus on convincing yourself.

It sounds like you've interpreted the self-help books' advice to "make peace with yourself" by adding "even though you're really a poopyhead." Would it help to clarify it as, "make peace with yourself because 'poopyhead' isn't even remotely true"?

To "move on and forget them", you first have to stop their opinion from reverberating inside your own head.

[malign]

Addressing your addition, someone who's giving you "insults and silence" is communicating just fine; they're saying "you could do better than me". :-)

But, "how do you get them to open up?": you don't. You don't control the other person. That doesn't say something bad about you; it's just true.

Try more people. "Insults and silence" are not the norm.

[randomperson]

Thank you that is something I need to think about and reflect on.

[malign]

I spent seven years married to a woman who thought I was a poopyhead, only she didn't say "poopy".

Don't try this at home. :-)

[Lindamomof7]

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[randomperson]

I spent seven years married to a woman who thought I was a poopyhead, only she didn't say "poopy".

Don't try this at home. :-)

lol

Thank you. This has been a very helpful thread for me.

[danni]

But, "how do you get them to open up?": you don't. You don't control the other person. That doesn't say something bad about you; it's just true.

Try more people. "Insults and silence" are not the norm.

That's a good point Mailign. We must not only remember that we don't control the other person but spend more time remembering that the only actions we CAN control are our own! In many times if we can control ourselves and our own emotions, we control the situation. I recently found that to be true in my own bullying/discrimination/retaliation issue I'm dealing with at work. I stopped responding to him. I stopped trying to talk with him. I stopped giving him ANY reaction. I can see it drives him CRAZY but it's working. His intent was to intimidate, put me in my place, and be a dictator. I'm not giving him that anymore so if he comes to my

office, I listen, politely let him know that I heard him with out any attempts at discussion and go back to my work. At times I've just laughed and shook my head. He doesn't know what to do with it so he leaves and is now pretty much leaving me alone. I have not changed his attitude or what he thinks his right but by changing my own behavior, I changed the situation.

[Lindamomof7]

...............

[IrmaJean]

I have not changed his attitude or what he thinks his right but by changing my own behavior, I changed the situation.

You go, girl! I'm so glad to hear this.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Danni,

Conflict is a complex issue. It is a many faceted issue and does not fall into one category. As I read all of the posts, all of which were right on target, I realized that you were all hitting the main points and that demonstrated to me just how comples this is.

For example, there is conflict when someone sees things only in black and white or right or wrong terms. The problem is that there is no discussion of anything with this type of person if you disagree with them because they see only their point of view.

There are the bullies who are really baiting you and trying to get you to bite the bait. Its very difficult to avoid biting but I agree with danni that its best to just be silent and walk away.

If someone is being outright insulting I think its ok to tell them, "hey, why are you being so insulting, I have feelings too?" Will this work? Sometimes yes and sometimes no.

To make things even more complex is the fact that during a conflict its very hard to avoid feeling pushed around if the other person is attacking your weak points. If you, underneath, feel like a poopyhead, you will feel really injured because a sensitive place has been hit. There are some people who seem to have a knack or instinct about other people's vulnerability and know how to go for it.

Finally, its important to not try to convince the provocative person of his wrongness and our rightness. There is not convincing and yet, the natural tendincy is to keep at it.

Allan