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the river below


harp

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The reason I'm in a hurry is because I've had all this bottled up in my mind for so long and I'm desperate to feel the weight released as soon as possible. It also adds to the feeling of relief and ease to write to others about it and feel relief that I wasn't picked up and carted off to a psych ward as well.

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From trying to drown myself I've decided jumping off a bridge isn't a good idea. I've changed my mind and switched my method to hanging, but im having trouble figuring out how to get a rope, a knife to cut the rope, and if im going to have enough money to afford these things, and how I'm going to sneak these things, especially the rope into my house.

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Not well...That's all I have to say...

It's a shame I'm giving up my body because when I look in the mirror I see someone perfectly fine...too bad in the past when I had the chance to have a life I was too brainwashed to see that perfectly fine person...all I saw was that inferior, weak person everyone was lecturing me that I was. I wonder how disturbing it will be for whoever walks in on my dead body...

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OK Harp,

You are getting way too caught up in these thoughts about suicide. I think they are tormenting you because each time you think of a new method, you think about how horrible it is, then indecision sets in. How about you give yourself a break from these thoughts for a day or two? Commit to living for a while. What kind of thoughts arise?

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I am sorry harp.

It feels as if you can't identify at all with your body as if your body was a separate part of you. You want to separate from it, however you can't help but appreciate it.

As i told you before, i think that your body is no less you than your soul and your mind. Your body is you. You are beautiful. You are as well very depressed and very disappointed. You are many many things, but also beautiful with great potential as you described some other time.

I think that the more you detach from your body the more you detach yourself from life. Dive into your body, Live it, be it.

I don't know how you were brainwashed but you seem to believe that you are such a rubbish person that when you see something in you that you like you can't appreciate as if you had to be fulfilling a role that was given to you.

Try to make an effort by using your imagination.

Take good care of yourself.

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Do you have a favourite TV show? That doesn't take as much concentration. I buy seasons of stuff I like so I know there's something i can always watch that takes my mind off other things. Right now I'm watching "Lost". I highly recommend it. You can also get TV shows at the public library.

Anyway, now that the week is about to start, I hope school will keep you busy. Are you still attending classes?

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