Fear

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello once more rubies,

I'm glad to know that you're finding some coping skills that are helpful for you. I think of these things as being like a little crutch -- they help you manage for a short period of time. It sounds as if your greatest desire is to get through this period of time when you are doing your exams but I'm curious about what happens after that. Will you return home again then? If so, do you have people in that environment who can step in to help you some more? I know you spoke of your therapist earlier -- are they someone you have access to even at the dormitory or only when you are home with your mum? Also, I know you'd said that something about your medications had changed recently. It's always possible some of these recent experiences are related to the medication change so it might not hurt to get in touch with your doctor and ask them about it.

Exam time is typically a stressful period for everyone but you're trying to cope with more than just the usual exams. It would be great, I think, if you also had at least one person in your dormitory location who could help you if the need became greater than you could cope with on your own. Does your school have counsellors or perhaps, is there a teacher you feel you could trust enough to speak with?

I hope you will continue to take good care of yourself rubies and continue to use and learn coping skills that help you through the difficult times. Above all, it's probably important to be a good friend to yourself. For example, if you have a difficult day, extend compassion to yourself rather than beating yourself up.

I'll continue to think good thoughts for you rubies.

~ Namaste

[rubies]

.......

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello once more rubies

I'm pleased to know you still have access to your counsellor, even at school. I think it's very important that we have sources of support in place for ourselves during times of potential crisis. That doesn't mean we'll have to use them but it does mean we can make a phone call and ask for help if we decide that becomes necessary. I know you were concerned the other day about bringing unhappiness to your therapist but I think therapists are well-equipped to deal with those sorts of things -- it's probably more important to be as honest as you're capable of being.

I’m trying to be gentle with myself but I can hardly control my harmful thoughts. I had to stop lacemaking because I ended up pinning needles in myself. This act could probably relate to that my classmates did this with me in 7th grade. I was often bullied in primary school because I was the girl who was reading all the time (I mean always, even if I was walking in the corridor) and I was very introverted and nobody knew what I was thinking so my classmates didn’t know what to think about me and bullying was the easiest thing to them. I often think that they had the right to do it, because it was me, who wasn’t even trying to fit into their society.

In an earlier response to yborn I talked a bit about the neccessity of learning to take protective actions on our own behalf. I was curious to know how you feel about your classmate's actions now and if you ever felt angry about those things or wanted to defend yourself and didn't know how. Sometimes, I've suggested to people who might hear negative or derogatory voices, that it is okay to defend yourself. Sometimes they just don't know how to do that. Or deep down, they might believe they deserve to be treated that way but you know, there's nothing wrong with being an introvert. There's nothing wrong with wanting to read books or have time to yourself. Neither is there anything wrong with wanting to fit in or feel accepted. That reminds me, did you ever read the story of the ugly duckling by Hans Christian Anderson? If so, you know that poor little duckling got pushed around alot but in the end, he found his own pack and in the process, discovered that being what you really are can be a beautiful thing.

There’s one more thing I want to talk about. A strange thing happened to me last night. I was trying to fall asleep when I suddenly felt like someone was hugging me. I looked behind my back but couldn’t see anything. I just felt that someone was there. The strangest thing is that he is still here since then. He is sitting on my bed and doesn’t move. I can’t see him but I’ve got a certain feeling of that he is there. I just don’t know how to react to this.

I'm certain I would feel the same kind of curiousity and uncertainty. How do you feel about that expereince now? When I ask, how do you feel I mean more than just what you think. I also mean, what do you feel in your body about this event? Are your shoulders tight? Does your heart ache or beat in fear? What's your stomache telling you?

Meantime, I enjoyed listening to that piece of music you shared the other night. I hope you share more.

~ Namaste

[rubies]

........

[Sissagwaad]

Hello spiritual emergency,

I was curious to know how you feel about your classmate's actions now and if you ever felt angry about those things or wanted to defend yourself

No, I never felt angry, I was only sad. Although it wasn’t heavy sadness, I was just slightly sad. I considered that I don’t fit in as a fact. I completed 1th and 2nd grade in one year because I could take the exams of 2nd grade when I was in 1th grade. So I changed class in the middle of the year. There were a lot of parents who were jelous of me because I was the first and last one who could do this and there were a lot of children who wanted to do this after me but none of them could. They didn’t hurt me but I could feel that they hated me for this. Until 4th grade there was a boy who used to order me doing things and then hit me if I didn’t obey. I felt ashamed but not angry. I obeyed most of the time and didn’t even think about defending myself. I thought that this was the order of the things, there was no meaning of changing it. Then in the upper classes some of my classmates discovered that if they suddenly tapped my sides, I screamed and collapsed. (I don’t know why, sometimes this still happens to me). This was a great game for them. I was upset but not angry. I thought that it was my fault because I couldn’t control my scream and that I collapsed. My most hurtful memory after this was when two of my classmates were pinning needles in me during a lesson. Then I felt ashamed and didn’t even want the teacher to discover it because I didn’t want him to know that I was this weak.I still don’t feel angry for these things, I think that it really was my fault and I should have behave differently if I wanted a change but the truth is that I never thought about changing things. I enjoyed being different and didn’t want to be as the others, I found the majority of them boring and uninteresting.

How do you feel about that expereince now? When I ask, how do you feel I mean more than just what you think. I also mean, what do you feel in your body about this event?

I feel calmness. There’s something calming in his presence. He just sits there and does nothing. I’m not afraid of him. Tonight also, I found myself in his arms.

I don’t know what to think about this experience or what to do. He doesn’t disturb me but it is a bit strange to feel this and I know that I should do something, perhaps trying to erase him from my mind. Perhaps this learned calmness, acceptance, you've experienced drawing to yourself, could be purpose enough? (many ways to peel an onion )

Is there any need to erase, if you've discovered a new, more useful way to process, and to experience, him or anything?

I’m glad that you enjoyed that music. I haven’t got more from that kind (or maybe

is similar a bit –with some more electronic) but I can show you an other type:

He is a Hungarian musician and his songs often help me to get relief from my heavy thoughts.

It seems to me you have an excellent, effective handle on understanding and accepting yourself, for who you are, and a 'kind of,' sense of or appreciation for 'why you are here,'

As well, it seems you are ardently searching for even healthier, more useful, ways to define yourself to/for yourself. Of course, that's none of my business, and not the business of anyone else, to take from you the delight in discovering and defining this for yourself (each of us eiher does or doesn't do that, by choice.

You're light seems extremely bright, I sense noteable success in helping others discover light where they are experiencing darkness.

How would you express your purpose, or why you are here, having this trip of a lifetime? <hug/smile>

in the last response to Tess's last question, who is 'He'? the musician and his contribution?

[rubies]

.......

[rubies]

........

[Sissagwaad]

I'm thinking, but don't get me wrong, i do not pretend to know. It just seems that the feelings that seem to follow me have a direct correlation to the thoughts that i tend to drag along with me. It's like i tend to be lazy and non attentive about what i'm doing, and pretend the thoughts just come at me, like from somewhere else, even though, at another level i know they don't, they come from somewhere quite close and personal.....someone its taking a lifetime to get to know and to be friends with.......Enjoy.....love and hugs

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry, but I don't understand this part either. I didn't mention helping others.

Hi rubies. I had some thoughts that might help you to understand. When you are freely yourself, and you allow your gifts to "shine" by not suppressing your beauty, others in your company will likely feel able to do the same. So you might not be consciously trying to help others, but you can be helping others to find their own light by shining yours. It's a shared liberation of sorts. Beautiful light begets more beautiful light, and thus less darkness. I hope you are feeling well today.

[rubies]

........

[IrmaJean]

Rubies, I believe that all of us shine. Rubies are beautiful gems, don't you think? Sometimes it can take time to feel your own light, but you will one day if you are open to seeing it. Take care.

[finding my way]

Hi rubies! Where are you with all those exams? That is an awful lot to go through, and on top of it feeling uneasy around people... I am no expert, but I know if we can make even the smallest effort to be patient with ourselves, breathe a little space between us and our fears, even the smallest amount of loving kindness can help. I'm so sorry for your struggles!

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello rubies,

Let's talk about this part for awhile...

I feel calmness. There’s something calming in his presence. He just sits there and does nothing. I’m not afraid of him. Tonight also, I found myself in his arms. I don’t know what to think about this experience or what to do. He doesn’t disturb me but it is a bit strange to feel this and I know that I should do something, perhaps trying to erase him from my mind.

I came home for the weekend and thought that he will not follow me. Then, when the choking stuff came up on me I felt two cool hands on my wrists. I was scared because I expected him to stay there, sitting on my bed and not to follow me home. I was also frightened of the feeling of the cold hands. Then he sit down to my bed like in the dormitory and didn't move. I'm still scared of this, he has lost the calming bit of his presence I don't know why.

Perhaps, like us, he doesn't want you to be hurt rubies. It certainly is an unusual experience and it's understandable why you would feel a bit frightened by it but I think it's interesting that you felt those cooling hands. Sometimes a cool touch can be comforting, like if we have a fever and someone puts their cool hands on our face.

Meantime, I don't exactly know what to make of your experience either. I know that I'm supposed to say it's not real, but it's something you're really experiencing so how do I say it's not real? And how do I say that when I've had similar experiences? To me, those things were entirely real and very important to me. They helped teach me about myself. Maybe this masculine force is a protector for you. I think if it was me in your place I would just continue to pay attention but I would also tell myself that I was a good person and not deserving of being hurt. I would think about love -- the people I love and the people who love me -- and I would ask that love be present with me.

No, I never felt angry, I was only sad. Although it wasn’t heavy sadness, I was just slightly sad. I considered that I don’t fit in as a fact. ... I still don’t feel angry for these things, I think that it really was my fault and I should have behaved differently if I wanted a change but the truth is that I never thought about changing things. I enjoyed being different and didn’t want to be as the others, I found the majority of them boring and uninteresting.

I felt sad reading about the way you were picked on too. It didn't seem fair to me and I wished you could have had some friends who were more accepting of who you are. I think we're all different in our own way. One of the ways I am different is, I'm an introvert. I think you might be more of an introvert too. Introverts are people who are quite content to spend a lot of time by themselves. While we might enjoy large, boisterous parties from time to time, they can drain us of energy. We tend to prefer smaller, more intimate gatherings and deep conversations with just a few people. I was reading an interesting article about introverts last night:

Whether you're the President, a Nobel laureate or merely a loner, the qualities for which you're ridiculed may prove your greatest asset. ... here are as many introverts as extraverts, but you'd never know it by looking around. Introverts would rather be entertained by what's going on in their heads than in seeking happiness. Their big challenge is not to feel like outsiders in their own culture.

The Outsider: Pathway to Success.

My purpose is to get to know myself, to stop being afraid of myself, to get to know the world around me, to find my place in it, to stop being afraid of everything, to learn to express myself, to start being a helping part of the society.

I liked the way you expressed this.

Meantime, I listened to the music you shared and watched the videos. Both spoke to me of a feeling of aimlessness, meaninglessness and lack of purpose. There seemed to be more of a sense of desperation in the Yonderboi video, as if the singer was asking, "What is the point of getting up every day and going through the motions of living?" I had a warmer feeling about the Röyksopp video and especially enjoyed the imagery of the young girl moving through life, somewhat disconnected because her feet don't touch the ground. Then, when the video shows that image of the house floating through the sky, I immediately connected it with the girl and of having lost one's moorings. Of course, this is what meaning and purpose does -- it helps keep us tethered to our lives and powers our reason for getting up every day. I also thought the young girl was a beautiful singer and enjoyed the sound of her voice. Thank you for sharing your music with me.

Meantime, I will continue to think good thoughts for you rubies and to remind you, to take good care of yourself.

~ Namaste

[spiritual_emergency]

Lyrics from Röyksopp - What Else is There?

It was me on that road

But you couldn't see me

Too many lights out, but nowhere near here

It was me on that road

Still you couldn't see me

And then flashlights and explosions

Roads end getting nearer

We cover distance but not together

I am the storm, I am the wonder

And the flashlights, nightmares

And sudden explosions

I don't know what more to ask for

I was given just one wish

It's about you and the sun

A morning run

The story of my maker

What I have and what I ache for

I've got a golden ear

I cut and I spear

And what else is there

Roads and getting nearer

We cover distance still not together

If I am the storm, if I am the wonder

Will I have a flashlights, nightmares

And sudden explosions

There's no room where I can go and

You've got secrets too

I don't know what more to ask for

I was given just one wish

[rubies]

........

[rubies]

.........

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello rubies.

I've got difficulties with defining what's real and what's not because in my view reality has got so many (hidden and unhidden) levels and there are so many angles from which we can look at it. Are the things in our imagination unreal? They are so living for us... Are the things created by our minds unreal? Then how can I experience them so vividly? Oh well, maybe because I am sick.

Some of these things seem to be consistently common among those who have experienced ego collapse, rubies. If you have a dream that someone is chasing you and you're frightened, does that mean your fear is not real? We all seem to understand that a dream state can feel very real to us, so too, I think it should be understandable that being thrust into the unconscious can also be a very real kind of experience.

Meantime, he gained his calming presence back so I'm not frightened of him anymore. He just sits on my bed and sometimes I nearly forget about him but I constantly have the feeling of that he is there. It may sound ridiculous but I'm feeling less alone in his company.

Within a Jungian model, the presence of a masculine force suggests the animus. In very simplistic terms, the animus comes in two basic forms -- positive and negative. A negative animus is part shadow and there can be some frightening aspects. A positive animus has a more benevolent and positive aspect. You seem to be dealing with a more positive aspect. By chance, does this masculine presence remind you of anyone else in your life?

I was baking in the kitchen when suddenly a stream of (emotional) pain flushed on me. I felt pain while I was cracking the eggs up, I felt pain while I was mixing the the ingredients, I felt pain while I was looking at the sharp knifes of the mixer, I even felt pain while I was looking at the dough rising in the oven. Every single action caused pain to me.

I had a similar experience one time. I was talking with a friend and I was very much aware of how much pain was attached to every interaction. In my case, I linked the pain with various fears related to self-identity and acceptance by others. Does the kitchen itself represent/mean anything in particular to you?

This day was an especially difficult one for me. There were spaces of time when I felt like there was a "hole" in time. In these "holes" I felt empty, aimless and sad. This sadness was meaningless. I really felt like I was falling out of time into nothing. I didn't want to be dead but I hadn't got an idea of how to live either. I felt lost.

I would be misleading you if I said I wasn't concerned for you rubies. My concern isn't solely that you might be in a fragmented state because I think people can come through those but it requires a safe container and ideally, some support from people. I'm not certain your dormitory can provide you with that safe container, nor that your room-mates will be able to provide the support you can benefit from because you feel it's necessary to hide what's going on. Would it be possible for you to contact your therapist at minimum and let him/her know that your desire is to complete your exams with his/her support? Having a bit more support in that environment might make a difference for you.

I'm also a bit curious, wondering if you have made an adjustment to your medication on your own or perhaps have forgotten to take it with all the extra work you've had. I'm wondering because if people have been on medication and then they come off it quickly, it can often produce a resurgence for them. Times of high stress are never good times to make a med-reduction or withdrawal. If you did make a change to your medication, accidentally or intentionally, I would encourage you to return to your former dose. You can always make arrangements for a reduction or withdrawal later, after you've come through this stressful time.

I hope you will continue to talk with us rubies and to continue to take good care of yourself.

~ Namaste

[finding my way]

That is an awful lot of work, rubies!!!:eek: Maybe pacing yourself with little breaks would keep things going forward? I am wishing you well today, rubies. Each day brings you closer to being done!

[Sissagwaad]

Another quite important issue is optimizing ones nutrition. During times of stressful chalange, the B vitamins are one of the firsst to disappear, requiring suppplementation. Its been repeatedly reported that fish oils are quite helpful. i know it is an added expense but, find a way to supplement with at least a good multi B and fish oil, it will help ensure the signals necessary for proper functioning of our hormones/chemicals, and thusly emotions perform as designed for. hugs

[rubies]

........

[rubies]

........

[CantGiveItAway]

Good luck on your exam today!! It sounds wonderful to know how to speak French. I think you have alot to offer this world rubies and alot of great qualities about yourself, I hope you can see them too.

I know its hard to open up to people, especially when its people that you have to have appointments to go see. But i also think its good to give people a chance. Maybe it would be a good time to try and let your guard down alittle and see if she can be helpful to you. Remember their not perfect to!! I hate for you to be fighting this battle on your own.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Rubies,

Great good luck on your French exam today. I love the French language but made the mistake of not following up on my French language development.

Have you told your psychiatrist and psychologist that you can't open up to them? I have often found, along with many professionals in the field, that it can be more important to discuss why you can't open up, than actually opening up. Well, I hope I expressed that clearly. If not, tell me and I'll try to be less clumsy.

Allan

[spiritual_emergency]

rubies: He started to move around in my room and he is exploring my bookshelf now. I've got strange feelings but I can't describe them. I'm so tired. I just want to curl up and let him take me to the "other world". Perhaps he is here for that.

tucked away.

I'm not sure if you caught that rubies. If not, it was a bit of an account from my own experience wherein a positive masculine presence showed up who was very helpful. There's no predicting how any individual experience might go but I do find it encouraging to see an anima/animus presence in an experience.

Animus: The inner masculine side of a woman. (See also anima, Eros, Logos and soul-image.)

Like the anima in a man, the animus is both a personal complex and an archetypal image.

Jung described four stages of animus development in a woman. He first appears in dreams and fantasy as the embodiment of physical power, an athlete, muscle man or thug. In the second stage, the animus provides her with initiative and the capacity for planned action. He is behind a woman's desire for independence and a career of her own. In the next [third] stage, the animus is the "word," often personified in dreams as a professor or clergyman. In the fourth stage, the animus is the incarnation of spiritual meaning. On this highest level, like the anima as Sophia, the animus mediates between a woman's conscious mind and the unconscious. In mythology this aspect of the animus appears as Hermes, messenger of the gods; in dreams he is a helpful guide.

Source: The Jung Lexicon

... For several reasons, therefore, it is imperative, both for individual and for social progress, that we learn to acknowledge and integrate our anima or animus, our soul-image.

Your soul-image will led your conscious ego safely into the unconscious and safely out again. When Theseus neded to penetrate the labyrinth in Crete in order to slay the monstrous Minotaur, the fair Ariadne, with her thread, enabled him to go in and find his way out again. If we follow Jung and translate this story into psychological terms, the labyrinth is a symbol of the unconscious, the monster is the frightening and threatening aspect of whatever in our unconscious has been neglected and has therefore 'gone wild'; the slaying of the monster means 'taming' that wild, unruly force and bringing it under conscious control. The 'slaying' can be accomplished, however, only by love (Ariadne - the feminine) - only by accepting the neglected thing, honouring it and welcoming it into our unconscious.

The soul-image, then, is a mediator - a go-between or middle-man (or middle-woman) - who establishes communication between the conscious ego and the unconscious and reconciles the two. In the realm of religion there is the pyschopomp, the on who guides human souls safely into the undreworld; or - in some cultures - the shaman, who not only leads the souls of the dead to the spirit-world and makes the necessary introductions to spirits who will take proper care of the newcomers and get them ready for rebirth, but also carries the souls of sick people to the spirit-world for healing. The underworld or spirit-world is the unconscious. The unconscious has healing powers and by descending into it the conscious self can attain new life.

Source: Anima/Animus

~ Namaste

[Sissagwaad]

Finding my way,

Each day brings you closer to being done!

I think of this sentence every evening. (:

Sissagwaad,

Thank you for your advice! I'm actually taking a quite expensive product with vitamins and minerals and there are plenty of B vitamins in it.

i know a lot of people, including myself, that have discovered Puritan online as quite a reasonably priced quality brand. check them out.