What Do I Do? (!) Trigger Warning (!)

[soregretful]

Hello, everyone,

I have a thread in another forum going. I am wanting to die so much every day!! I know a lot of people are going to be disgusted. I looked at children in Speedos when I was younger and maybe pleasured myself. There was not one ounce of illegal material, nada, none, zip. No one was hurt, and I do not desire relations of any kind with a kid. I just feel so horrible for even having looked at this. It is like I poisoned my mind. I, needless to say, am NOT going to look again, but my guilt it just killing me. I hate myself for having poisoned my mind like this. The sad thing is I have a girlfriend who wants to have children with me. On top of that, I have used "normal" things to explore my sexuality, too. I feel so awful about having looked AT PICTURES!! Not hurting anyone, never wanting to hurt anyone, nothing of the sort. I promise you it was always with Speedos, specifically. I could even tell people the sites if they thought that telling them would help me. I just feel so damn bad about even having looked, let alone possibly using these COMPUTER IMAGES in a sexual way. I feel just awful about it and want so badly to die. What can I do to just feel better? I want to get past it, but having done this and having kids seems to be a bit disjointed, particularly when my guilt is so bad I don't want to be alive anymore. I promise you, this is stuff anyone could see on like a swim team website. And for the life of me, I don't know how much I even "used" it. I want to get help, but the biggest part of me thinks I will be like this forever, just hating myself. I will be some little 80 year old man that did this and I can't live with that. To top it all off, I would be the best damn father I could ever want to be, because I am a teacher! What the heck do I do? I have other things on my chest with this and have tried posting in another forum, only to be told, I am having a pity party for myself. I seriously want to commit suicide because of this. Not one child was harmed, nor would I even want to look at anything of the sort. Any ideas, guys? I want to die so much! If you think I am too disgusting to reply, I can't say I don't blame you. I hate the whole idea I did this too. I thought this may a more useful forum because it is about treatment.

[soregretful]

This is kind what I figured. There is no way to treat this!!!

[danni]

be patient Things can be a little slow on weekends.

I think this is a good place to post. I wonder if it would be helpful if others could share their own therapy stories and how it has helped them. You are in a place where the the depth and pain of your thoughts keep you stuck. Though the specifics of others concerns may be different, many of us have been in a place where that has been true.

Would anyone be willing to share their own journey from "stuck" to freedom?

[soregretful]

That is the thing......I don't think ANYONE has ever walked down this road! This is absolutely driving me insane....and I mean insane. I hate this!!!

[IrmaJean]

I'm here, SR, and just saw your post. I just got home from work, and will respond.

[IrmaJean]

SR, I'm very glad to see you posting again. I'm sorry this is so upsetting and painful. I hear how distressed you are, and have been wondering what it is that you think might give you some relief from these feelings? Do you ever contact your therapist when you are feeling this distressed and upset?

Share my therapy story? Sure. It was a very positive and enlightening experience. I was socially anxious, didn't have many friends, had poor self-esteem, and had recently lost a close friend in a painful way. I got stuck in grief, and couldn't seem to move forward. I also suffered from anxiety. I felt ready to give up. There came a point when I knew I needed help, or I might have ended up in clinical depression. So I went to therapy. My experience really did change my life for the better. I developed a positive and healing relationship with my therapist, the lessons of which are now a part of who I am. Not only was I able to move through this loss, I also was able to conquer my social anxiety. Now I am going to school and studying psychology, hoping to one day become a therapist myself. I know now that this is who I am. If I hadn't gone when I did, I likely would have ended up in depression. I wouldn't be in the healthy place I'm in today. Granted, I still struggle sometimes, and I still have to fight, but I believe in myself now. I feel okay embracing myself and letting others see me. If I can do this, you can too, SR. What do you think?

[soregretful]

I wish that my story was a "normal" one. I have lost people and been able to cope (save the two kids), but I just don't see how to get over something that I DID, not that happened. Therapy isn't going to erase what I did or make me feel like a good person, because the biggest part of me believes I am not. I don't care how much good I do for others, etc., I feel like a bad person. I don't care that my students hug me and say they love me, I feel like a bad person, and I bet a lot of people out there would agree.

[IrmaJean]

I've had those feelings about myself before, SR, and I agree that they are excruciating. Is it possible that these feelings about yourself run deeper and aren't only about this one event? In this, you might look to your earliest relationships and childhood. Maybe it would be possible for you to breathe a small space for hope and forgiveness for yourself. Can you give that a chance?

[soregretful]

No,

I don't think they stem from anything but this. I have the most loving, caring, and kind parents. I had a little bit of a lonely, but otherwise happy childhood. Sixth grade was a good year for me, because a teacher really turned my life from being a struggling student to a confident one and since that year I had nothing but straight A's. I was made fun of a little bit in high school, but who wasn't? The friends I had in HS were my good friends, we were all pretty smart and I always thought that would be enough to get me through life happily. I also overcame a rough student teaching experience to become a dynamite teacher (that was the only other time in my life I was this depressed, but again, that is something that happened, not something I created.) I made this mess, and for the life of me, am wondering, why did I do this? Why did I hate on myself so much to throw all my happiness away? I made this mess on the internet, ironically enough, and I am looking to the internet to save me. Kind of makes you wonder if I had grown up in a different generation, if I would have been happy. I can't believe all of this is over a computer. I messed my life up on a computer!!! I can't believe this!

[IrmaJean]

My parents were kind and loving too, and I had to look harder to see where my low self-esteem started, but it was there. I've noted a few times in your posts, some thought patterns that may have been present before this happened. Like me, with my friend, I thought that my pain was all about losing my friend, when really it was an event that triggered the painful feelings I already had about myself that had never been dealt with.

Ever tried closing your eyes and taking deep breaths? Think of calming things. I like to listen to music when I'm feeling anxious and distressed. What do you do when you're distressed, SR?

[soregretful]

You know,

There is a time in my life where I had low self esteem. I probably always have really. I was a real mess in college when I left thinking I never could teach, but low self-esteem is a common trait among deviates, isn't it? All I know is that I am sorry and just want to feel better. I have been to confession and everything. Everything is totally innocent, and I could not make up a more bizarre problem if I tried. I wish I could just wake up from this and not remember any of it. Why now though? I just started such a nice relationship. I have found love, but I don't feel that I deserve it. After all, how many out there would want to be in my girlfriend's shoes right now? It breaks my heart when I kiss her and drop her off. She donates to charities, makes things for the soldiers overseas, has put up with medical problems galore, and really, I can tell you she lights up around me. It was really hard last date, because she was talking "when we have kids" and you should move your bedroom downstairs because it will be bigger for us. I want to marry her, but how many people really want a husband who did this? Like I said, it's all innocent enough stuff, just stuff anyone could find on the internet. I hate purging this story because it is of embarassment to me, but that is the only way I feel I can find help. I want to be a husband and a daddy so much, and like I said, I have used plenty of normal teenage boy things, but this one sticks out and I hate it. I have a lot of life left and don't want to be lonely. I want a wife to love and some kids to spoil, but first I have to be happy being the idiot who did this, and I am not.

[IrmaJean]

I would try to stay away from labeling yourself in a way that reinforces the bad feelings you have about yourself. Does your girlfriend know you're hurting? Maybe some comfort from her would be helpful?

Therapy can help, SR. If you can build on your feelings of self-worth, you may find that the path ahead becomes brighter. Give yourself the chance. What do you think?

[Leo1954]

sr

I am so sorry I don't want anything to happen to you. I just felt like telling you this. I don't know how you feel, I just wish I could say something or do something for you. Please take care!!!!!!!!!

[soregretful]

I feel like something already did. How could I have done this to myself?

[soregretful]

I am afraid guys....this is much too hard a burden to live with. and yes, I created it I know. I wish I hadn't done this. I can't believe this was all because of a computer. I need help but I don't know how to get it. I want to take care of myself before I "take care of myself". With summer coming, it is going to be so hard to take this. I slept or tried to sleep until about 2 today to avoid dealing with life. Oh...I am soooooooo sorry!!!!! What can I do?

[IrmaJean]

SR, maybe try to slow down a bit. Take a breath, and do something different. Hopefully you have some new thoughts to bring with you to therapy next time. Take care tonight.

[soregretful]

THe last 5 months have been a blur or pain and self-loathing. I just want thhs to be better. Shoot....I don't even know where to begin.

[hatemeds]

You know brother it occurs to me that you know your thoughts are obsessive right - you know that - so you are aware of being stuck in that pattern but Im wonderrin - can you detach yourself from them - I mean we cant block or suppress them - so maybe we need to look at them with detached curiosity. I mean the fact that we can stand back and observe our thoughts means we are NOT our thoughts therefore surely we can create a little distance from them?

Mebbe Im overthinking this brother;)??

****

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Hi sr,

I think your story is about someone having obsessive problems. While those seem to be less common than say depression, you'll not be the first or last person to have them.

How would you describe the help of your therapist? I think that we might be the most helpful in supporting your therapy.

S.

[soregretful]

He game me some median tapping exerices that I am supposed to do and state why I am feeling guilty, but I do not like even saying it. I am not sure what to do. I have been told a CBT may be better, but I don't know what will happen....how will this work, I can't change anything. I don't even know to what degree I just looked. I just feel bad having even looked.

[soregretful]

Hope everyone is having a good Mother's Day. I keep telling myself that this will get better, but I am just as nervous and feel just as bad. I am not even so much worried about the girlfriend end of this. Certainly, I am the only one who has ever done this, or at least the only one that feels this bad about it. There are people who have seen far worse, but why can't these thoughts just go away? Am I going to wake up every day the rest of my life with Speedo kids on my mind. God, I am sorry I ever went there. Who knows how much was actual looking? Oh, I am in hell! How do I get out?

[soregretful]

You know what the sucky part of this is? Everything I looked at is on the Public Internet, even YouTube!! So that is making me so guilty I want to take my own life? Thousands of people have viewed what I viewed! I just don't know! Who knows how much I used it verses looked at it? I can't stand this!!

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Hi sr,

my macbook keeps "suddenly switching itself off", I have to get an external harddrive and keep reading stuff about how they are not really that compatible, not that I know anything about it, I have to write an application, well, on this macbook, so chances are I'll have to drive a long way to get to someone who knows how to repair macbooks in my car that started making strange noises and well, it would be kind of easier with significantly more available money. I think I'm getting progressively pissed off with life. Besides wanting to simply state that, I also want to mention that I might be posting less, because this website seems rather exhausting in "am I going to shut down?" terms.

I don't know how tapping in connection with saying why you feel guilty is supposed to work. While I probably lack some understanding, I can broadly accept it as a relaxation technique of sorts, but I didn't find a lot of information on it. Anyway, since it doesn't seem to work for you, have you asked about alternatives or CBT?

S.

[soregretful]

How do you forgive yourself when you hate yourself? I can't believe this is my life. I have basically been a good person, but all I feel is hatred for myself. I don't forgive myself for this because this was no accident...I went there. I hate this...living like this sucks!

[soregretful]

So,

Any thoughts on treatment guys? I want to start soon and was hoping to find more answers in this forum. I know a lot of people probably think I am a sick SOB. I do too. This can not continue.