What Do I Do? (!) Trigger Warning (!)

[hatemeds]

I wanna know if you can even say anything nice about yourself - whether you have an aversion to it. Can you repeat after me (just humor me here please!):

"okay so im struggling right now but Ima good person, a good teacher and i have a girlfriend that like me therefore it stands to reason that I am like-able to others. Having immoral thoughts IS NOT THE SAME AS performing those immoral deeds so therefore IT IS MY THOUGHTS THAT ARE CAUSING THE PROBLEM and beating me up. I am so much more than just my thoughts so right now I need to look at getting help from an expert with my thoughts - like a CBT therapist etc!!!"

Please please repeat this quote back to me. You can do it.

****

[IrmaJean]

So,

Any thoughts on treatment guys?

I'm not an expert by any means. CBT could be helpful for the intrusive thoughts. I think that working in therapy on your sense of self would also be advantageous. Even in the quote that hatemeds pulled, you once again refer to being "likable to others." There is a space for being likable to yourself, and finding this is very important to healing, I think. Good luck, SR.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

I don't understand what you mean with "I want to start soon".

[soregretful]

The things is, Hatemeds is absolutely right. I agree with everything he said. That is my problem in a nutshell. It is not that I am likeable to others, I am adored by others. My students adore me. My parents adore me. My girlfriend adores me. It is just me who is having a hard time liking me. I mean, even on half a brain, I still got voted teacher of the month, though I really am half-assing everything. My 50% is just as good if not better than a lot of people's 100%. It is my thoughts that are not allowing me to be happy. I mean, I wrote plays for my kids to act in. I hear them reading so awesome, and I have not one shred of help in my classroom, so I am responsible for that. I have little ones tearing up that they have to leave me next year, and I am sad too. I still have all the normal feelings of pride in my students and realize that when they run up and hug me, it is because of the good things I have done. I mean, for 8 years, I have been the most respected and revered, I am not exaggerating, teacher in the district. It would come as an absolute shock if I were to do anything drastic, and a community would be devastated. The thing is, they probably would be too if they knew that their beloved teacher of the month is some kind of pervert. I can even say that was in the past, but the fact that I even went there makes me sooooooooo miserable. I will have to live the rest of my life knowing I did these things and it just eats me alive every day. It takes everything I have to get through a day, and on weekends I just lay around. I really don't know what happened to me. I was on cloud 9 last year and now I am just in the depths of hell. I never hurt anyone either except the one person I should have loved more than anything...me! I have 11 requests for next year, but if anyone found out this, I would probably be fired, and deservedly so. Who of you would want to have your children have anything to do with me? I can't say I blame you if I don't!

[IrmaJean]

It is just me who is having a hard time liking me.

This is something to explore and therapy can help you with this, SR.

I mean' date=' for 8 years, I have been the most respected and revered, I am not exaggerating, teacher in the district. [/quote']

This is something to be proud of, of course, but in order to value such respect you must first respect yourself. External sources can't provide this for you. You must realize it, believe it, and feel in from within.

Who of you would want to have your children have anything to do with me?

I wonder why this question keeps coming up for you? I am also wondering if you have been basing your sense of worth on the value others place on you (being respected by parents and loved by students etc.) rather than who you are inside as a person? Such affirmations may feel good for a while, but without an inner sense of wholeness and self value, the absence of such affirmations (or a fear of their potential absence) may leave you feeling hollow and empty. You're a valuable human being, by simply being you. Can you see that, SR? Have you discussed any of this in therapy?

[soregretful]

That's the thing,

I used to think that way. I used to think that I was a pretty important piece in the machine of life. I used to love who I was and what I did. The question of children comes up because I have to be liked by children in order to make a living. I have to gain a child's understanding and trust in order to put a roof over my head and food in my mouth. The thing is, knowing this, no one would even want me around their kids, I am sure. This, in my opinion is like the cardinal sin of what I stand fore. It is by far the most horrible thing I could have ever done, given the career that I have and used to love. I have no value if I don't have value from other people because I need that to live. I need their trust and approval and the knowing people trust me with their kids every day because without that, I am nothing. I don't enjoy hobbies anymore, don't have fun anymore, don't enjoy life anymore because of what I did to myself, and I promise that is the extent of it. I could not make up a more bizarre story if I tried! Not one shred of anything I looked at could be considered illegal and anyone could go find it. I just made it something other than what it is and that is why I find it so hard to forgive myself. If I met you in person, I would have to have you trust me with your children, because if you didn't, I couldn't make a living. My life is based on people trusting me with their children!!

[IrmaJean]

My life is based on people trusting me with their children!!

Your career may in part be based on this, but your career does not define you either. You are not your job, SR.

I have no value if I don't have value from other people because I need that to live.

You could have no job, no money, no anything...and you would still have immeasurable value as a human being. I understand that you need a job to provide for yourself, but the job itself does not give you value. Your value comes from within yourself.

Why did you want to become a teacher? What aspects of yourself do you like?

[soregretful]

I knew since 6th grade that I wanted to be a teacher. I was a smart little boy and just had trouble with organization. I was denied honor roll in 4th grade because I had organization checked on my report card. I had the grades, I just didn't get the recognition.

In 6th grade, I had a teacher that unlocked the potential in me. She made me go through my folder with her every night and every morning. She made checklists for me to get my stuff together. In 6th grade, not a lot of teachers would have done that. She did. She cared. I have not received a grade of anything lower than an A since that moment. She literally made me who I am in so many ways. I knew since that day that if I could give back half as much, I would be a good person.

In college, my student teaching sucked. All I wanted to do is teach and I was told on graduation day that this might not be the field for me after all....by the person who was supposed to mentor me! I have easily given more than 50 percent of my adult life to teaching. Sometimes the custodial staff would have to get on me to leave. I would go in so many mornings at 7 and leave at 9, just to do another 3 hours of paperwork when I got home. I mean....yeah, I have EARNED that teacher of the month award, but I do not deserve it. I would easily put in a 14 hour day without blinking. And people wonder why we get the summers off!

I didn't do this just to get closer to kids like some weirdo, I did it because it was all I ever wanted to do. It is in my blood, it is who I am, and you know what, I ROCK at it. Even with half a brain this year, I rock at it!!! People say you are not defined by your career...yeah I am! I am the guy that is first to arrive, last to leave. I am the guy that is letting his kids duct tape him to the wall as an incentive. Even in the summer, I am reading journals, taking courses, or buying crap for the next school year. I am the guy that has a dance for every letter of the alphabet. I am the guy that lets his class go a little crazy because he knows that when he was little all he wanted to do was let off a little energy once in a while and get up out of the darn chair.

I even joked that I was married to my job, and yeah I was!! I LOVE TEACHING!!! Not because I can get close to some kid, but because I am literally teaching little people how to read. It was never a question of am I just doing this to be a kid or get close to them, because I rule at teaching. ROCK! I can teach anyone, anything! I have written poems for my class with their names in them, written songs to teach them, and written plays for them to star in to showcase their growth in reading. I love kids, in every sense of the word, and without teaching, I am really not sure who I would be, but I don't like it because all that is left it this jerk that thought using the computer would be a good idea. I am an awesome teacher, but without that, I am just a weird sicko. No one has to tell me otherwise....I agree with you!!! What the heck was I thinking?

[IrmaJean]

Your enthusiasm for your job is admirable and refreshing, SR. Teaching is a very important job, and I think it's great that you love what you do and that you do it well. Good for you. That being said, I'm wondering what you connect with in yourself, what the teaching brings out in you, what parts of yourself do you have good feelings about? Because those parts are with you always, and will stay with you even after you go home for the day. They are your gifts and this represents your light, and when you're teaching you're letting your light shine. I think it might be helpful to build on other areas of your life too. Change in life is inevitable. I would have concerns about you placing all (or most) of your energy in one area of your life. I think you will find that once you identify with and embrace your own gifts and understand that your worthiness is not dependent on external sources, you won't have as much anxiety around losing what you have...because those gifts are already yours. Isn't that a beautiful thing? What are your gifts? Can you feel them from inside?

How has your therapy been going, SR?

[soregretful]

I have not been going to therapy. Nothing will change what I have done. I do not think anything in the world will make me feel better. I don't know what to do. I have no sense of self worth anymore, and I realize that most people that are reading this are probably disgusted. I am too. I wish that I could just end it all! This is so crummy! Why was I so stupid?

[Chisholm]

Hi Soregretful

I've been reading some of your posts with interest and notice that you keep on coming back to the same point.

Nothing will change what I have done. I do not think anything in the world will make me feel better.

Is this really true - would you be on this forum and wrestling with your thoughts as you are if you truly believed you were beyond help? We are all of the opinion that therapy WOULD indeed help you.

I don't know what to do. I have no sense of self worth anymore, and I realize that most people that are reading this are probably disgusted.

By now you should know that this is definitely NOT true, most people are not disgusted by you at all and have clearly stated that, but they are frustrated for you in that you appear to be so stuck and resorting to the same self-destructive brow beating over and over again. Also obvious in this quote is the fact that you link your self-worth to what others think. As so many have explained to you, it is only your internal sense of your own worth that counts and people can tell you you are not disgusting until the cows come home but only you can do that work - and yes it requires work as so many people on this forum know.

Could we put you to a challenge? 1. That while you are wrestling with your feelings on this forum, you not resort to this kind of negative talk again:

I wish that I could just end it all! This is so crummy! Why was I so stupid?

Express feelings by all means but in order to be constructive, dont make closed statements like this, rather say, I feel....etc

2.That you try and hold onto what people are advising you even if you cant accept it and then move forward with those thoughts

3. That you make a commitment to seek out therapy in the next few days because it is obvious to all of us that in some ways these intrusive circular thoughts that you are having are only feeding themselves, and as a result your anxiety, even further.

Would you be able to make this commitment to us?

XX

Chisholm

[soregretful]

Oh,

I am willing to try anything. I have a hard time not seeing why everyone else, including my parents do not see this as disgusting because I do. And it is my own sense that seems to matter, to that is why I think I am having a hard time.

This is what I need.....what kind of therapy? CBT, ok, I have been told that. What do no I need to do to find the right therapist? Eveyone I tell about this is just one more person I have to open this horrible story book to. I would love to start therapy, but I have done some before and I feel just as crummy. I need guidance. What do I look for? What will it take? Will I ever come to terms with this? I just hate all of these open answers. Need help so bad, but not sure how to get it!

SR

[IrmaJean]

I agree that a competent and caring therapist will be very advantageous to helping you along the path, SR. What it will also take is a lot of hard work on your part.You have to be willing to look at yourself, allow different thoughts to have a chance in your mind, and take steps toward changing what has been causing you distress. There may be times when you do feel crummy along the way. The process can take time. It may be a struggle before there is any significant progress. The main thing is to make that commitment for yourself to get well. Try breathing a space for forgiveness and understanding for yourself, and give yourself the chance to heal.

One place to start would be with this thought process. Rather than telling yourself:

Need help so bad' date=' but not sure how to get it![/quote'] Try empowering yourself:

I need help and I am capable of finding the best way to help myself.

You can do it, SR.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Hi sr,

have you discussed ending therapy with your previous therapist? Did he offer some guidance about what would be beneficial for you to try?

Take care,

S.

[soregretful]

My previous therapist is the one that called me a brilliant pervert and said I had a 5% chance of conceiving a child and said that he had read an article that said as much. He is the one that said I looked at child porn, though nothing I did was even close to illegal, and he is the one that dropped me as a client. No, I haven't really talked to him. He just wants me to pay him now for the "therapy". I have asked his associate to supply me with the article he has supposedly read. I am so mad at my previous therapist! I went to him in a time of need and I feel like he judged me. What makes matters worse is that I just heard that two really good younger teachers are going to lose their jobs today. They deserve it so much more than I do, regardless of how much time I have put in. They have a fresh, clear mind, and probably never looked at anything like I did. This is just pushing me closer to ending my struggle. I am crying so hard right now, I don't know what to do! I can't live the rest of my life feeling guilty. At the same time, I feel even worse now because these two great kids are losing their jobs, and I am only half the teacher I need to be. I am thinking that there is one way to make an opening for them because it is the right thing to do. I am sooooo scared of what I might do. I want so badly to either find a way to end the pain or die. I can not believe this! All because of a computer! I was sick again this morning. I know there is so much good in me, but the bad overshadows it. I can't get websites and images out of my head. Oh, why did I put myself in this position? I want those two kids to keep their jobs because at this point, I am sure they are better at them than I am. I really need therapy ideas. I mean, I need someone to physically show me the way. I will tell you where I live and everything and I need help finding a therapist, because I am so lost, I don't know where to start. The thing is, I have 11 requests for next year, and I don't even feel worthy to teach! I never thought my life would be this because of a Speedo bathing suit!! I am hurting so much!

[malign]

I mean, I need someone to physically show me the way. I will tell you where I live and everything and I need help finding a therapist, because I am so lost, I don't know where to start.

That's a remarkable expression of helplessness, isn't it? I mean, you found a therapist already. Granted, he sucked. But I'm pretty sure no one's going to take your hand and lead you to another one, and completely certain that there's no way they could guarantee the next one will be better.

[soregretful]

Malign,

Why should I have any hope? Nothing I have done has made me feel less guilty or unlike some kind of quasi-pedophile. I am expressing hopelessness because I AM HOPELESS!!! I have seen a few people and feel just as terrible as when I started. I literally have gotten sick thinking of how terrible this was. Who knows when it was, but having put this there in the first place is my fault. Mine! I don't know how therapy will make me feel any better, and I am willing to try, but everywhere I have turned, it has been horrible. People generally mean well, but I feel like I have made no progress. It is the ultimate expression of hopelessness! I have nothing to bank on, nothing to feel good about, just the fact that I went on this whole Speedo conquest online. I can not believe that I feel so helpless, but I do. I am in a state where I would be willing to put my life in someone's hands because in mine, I am getting very afraid what I might do, especially with the end of the school year coming. And now, I have even more to feel guilty about because these two great kids, that are probably nothing near as horrible as I am, are going to lose their jobs, because of their ages?

I can't stand the guilt! Each day, something new seems to compound how badly I feel. First, it is the boys getting older, then the therapist telling me I am a pedophile in not so many words, then this? Yeah, I am hopeless malign. I would be willing to let anyone come take a crack at me, because I DON'T know how to help myself. I mean, putting my life in my hands, look what it got me? I don't love, believe, or trust in myself at all!

[Musicman]

It is unfair of you to say that the two other teachers deserve the job more than you. YOU were made teacher of the month, YOU put in many extra hours, YOU have a very high success rate with your students, and the children love YOU. Regardless of what was done in the past, YOU are the best for the job. While you may only be working half as hard as usual, you are still doing an outstanding job. When you feel better, you will do just as good a job as you ever have. I agree that it is sad that these two capable teachers are losing their jobs, but there is a reason that they were picked over you.

Your last therapist did a terrible job. He got frustrated with you, judged you, and lied to you. I believe that he should lose his license. This is no reason for you to avoid future therapy. I can assure you that not all therapists are like this.

[malign]

SR,

Your discussion of your feelings for your past therapist says that you don't believe him (I don't, either). But on the other hand, you don't seem to believe that a different therapist would be different. There's a disparity, there.

You're absolutely right, SR: nothing "[you] have done has made [you] feel" better -- yet. It's not an argument over whether you "should" or "shouldn't" feel hopeless. Believe me, I've been depressed, so I know the feeling. All I'm saying is you're the only one who can start this moving, again, and to do that, you'll need to seek help. If that means putting yourself in someone else's hands, like in a hospital, then maybe that's what you need to do (I've done it, when it came to that.)

[IrmaJean]

SR, you seem to be caught up in loop of catastrophizing. I know how difficult it can be to see anything else when in this state of mind. There needs to be a point where you are able to stop, and regain your focus, though, or you will continue this vicious cycle. I did think that you'd mentioned before that you had a new therapist since the old one, and that he was nice. What happened to him? As to the old therapist, from what you have described, I would have to agree with the "he sucked" assessment. All the more reason to not hang on his words or let them have so much power over you. SR, I realize you are likely unable to hear any of this right now. I am very concerned about your well-being. If you feel unable to manage your situation and aren't safe, please consider checking yourself into a hospital. I say this with loving care and respect for your well-being and emotional health. I support you and want you to be well. Please take gentle care of yourself.

[soregretful]

Guys,

I love you to death, but I can not figure out why you are concerned. Checking into a hospital isn't going to make me feel better about what I did. As long as I have those images in my head, completely innocent in any other regard, I will not be better. I took a crap on my life and there is no avoiding it. I just wish I didn't have to hear about the teachers getting RIFd today. That makes me feel even worse.

[Musicman]

Guys,

I love you to death, but I can not figure out why you are concerned. Checking into a hospital isn't going to make me feel better about what I did. As long as I have those images in my head, completely innocent in any other regard, I will not be better. I took a crap on my life and there is no avoiding it. I just wish I didn't have to hear about the teachers getting RIFd today. That makes me feel even worse.

We are concerned purely because we are loving. Over the last few months, I've instilled in myself a new set of beliefs and a new philosophy. It started out by saying to myself "I can't stand do something to someone else that I wouldn't want done to me. Who am I to take away someone's happiness?" That eventually turned into feeling compassion for those who are unhappy. If I find that someone is both unhappy, and I can relate to them, I have all the more reason to be concerned. When I see people suffer, I feel like I've been hit with a brick.

Depending on your situation, it really may be best to check yourself into a hospital. It would prevent you from doing any harm to yourself. Really, you may want to talk to malign about this. He has experience with hospitals, and can share success stories with you.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Somehow I was under the impression you had a second therapist who was a nice guy. Anyway, if you're still seeing a psychiatrist, it's possible he can give you the contacts of other therapists, or you check in the yellow pages what therapists live in your area. I think I also saw therapist search function on the main page, but since I'm in Europe, I've not tried if it works. There might be similar search tools on pages of psychotherapist organisations, of which I know nothing either.

S.

[soregretful]

Yuck, guys,

These thoughts are starting to take uver my dreams. I can't even sleep to get away from this. I had a dream that all these kids were looking at me and asking me if I was using them? Oh, my God, I don't know what to do!

[IrmaJean]

I don't know what to do!

I think that you do. Go back to therapy (with a competent and caring professional) and get help for yourself. Best of luck, SR.