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Want to hurt myself


AmyeH

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Posted

I really want to self-harm.

No Valium or Clotiapine will take away the thoughts so I am not interested in going to the nurses and being thrown pills.

I don't want to end my life.

Everything just feels so built up inside that I need to release it. I don't know any other way of releasing it.

I'm trying my hardest here. I've met with the psychologist twice this week and tomorrow also, but it's just doing me worse.

(I'm currently hospitalised and have been for 9 months with anxiety and depression)

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Posted

Sincere thank yous Irma...

Unfortunately it doesn't help.

Sometimes deep breathing can help me but not in cases like this. I've tried.

When the urge is there to cut, I just want to cut.... All of these coping techniques like drawing with a red pen on my arm doesn't help.

I really don't want to end up in the closed ward of the hospital where it's not nice to be.

Posted

Amy, I'm sorry...

I agree with IJ; try to tell it to somebody. They need to know, they need to know it to be able to help you, to alleviate it...

Try maybe to imagine somebody holding you very very strongly and telling you you're a good girl and everything will be alright again...

Posted

I'm mother-tongue English and they are not. The nurses that are working now don't speak English at all.

They will just try to give me some medication which won't help. Then they'll call the psychiatrist on duty as it's 8pm here and they'll assess me. Maybe move me to the closed ward which is the last place I want to be right now.

I haven't self-harmed in a few months and was doing really good but I;m having a sort of relapse of sorts.. therapy is very intense and difficult and i'm all pent up with all kinds of emotions and feelings.

I write a blog once a day but that hasn't been helping me, art therapy and other therapies but nobody has been able to give me practical advice as to what I can do. The psychologist said that we need to go through my childhood and the relationship with my mother.. but it's part of why I feel like I do now. Plus I left the hospital last weekend to go to my sister's and I had a panic attack, other anxieties and was feeling depressed at times... I was feeling better in the hospital.

I just want to cut and feel the release, see the blood

Posted

I know, I know how the urges can be... :o

[deleted]

Everything just feels so built up inside that I need to release it. I don't know any other way of releasing it.

This is crucial!!! This is the reason. Please, do know there are other ways of releasing it, you just need time to find them. I see therapy is very painful, but... it's like many other medical procedures - they cause you pain to heal you... :)

Posted

Thank you LaLa, I'll try something else.

At the moment, I don't have anything to really use to hurt myself with.. thank god I'm in the hospital because it would be ugly if I were outside.

Posted

OK. I'm very glad you're safe there...

Just... maybe when you calm down a bit, you could think about how to redirect the strong energy you have inside yourself somewhere else than to hurting you. Can you think about what you are feeling as a huge energy that needs to be vented / used? As something inside you that wants to go out? So... try to use your imagination and find any kinds of possible and impossible ways how it coud be released. Just imagine.

Maybe, for instance, ... shouting (in your imagination) to your mother and telling her what could never be told in reality? ... Or shouting to the world - if it only could hear you! What would you say to them? What would you like to release? What would you like somebody to know? ...

Posted

Thanks, that is great advice.

I've calmed down a bit now, thank you... it's coming in waves every day, on and off.

It's a big mix of things all built up inside of me, anger, frustration, boredom, self-hatred, etc.

Now it's just getting late and I will hopefully manage to just go to bed and not awake during the night like I've been doing for the last few nights.

Thank you again for the support. Much appreciated.

Posted

Thanks guys.

I've just had a dip in my mood for a week or so now and I'm finding it hard to deal with. I was feeling alot better.

Therapy is very difficult right now too. My therapist says that she wants to talk about my childhood and mum and it's tough going.

I'm having loads of weird dreams and waking up alot throughout the night which affects my mood too.

I don't want to hurt myself because of that though.

Posted

Talking about childhood can be painful, but is important, there is no doubt. You're now in a safe environment and although it can't influence positively your emotions, it can at least prevent you from s/i (as there is nothing to do it with) and help you in case of a deep crisis (which, I hope, will not happen).

I don't want to hurt myself because of that though.

:D

Take care!! :)

Posted

Thanks. Yes I am in a reasonably safe environment. A hell more safer than if I was outside of the hospital. I met with my psychologist today and she said that it's good we are dealing with talking about my childhood neglect and the relationship, or lack of relationship with my mother and her issues, then the issues that were between my parents and then me and my sister and our parents. It's complicated.

The psychologist also went against the hospital rules and gave me her cell phone number in case I am in need and need to speak to someone. That's really nice of her.

I haven't wanted to self harm today so I hope that continues. My mood is just quite low and things are looking bleak to me.

Posted

The psychologist also went against the hospital rules and gave me her cell phone number in case I am in need and need to speak to someone. That's really nice of her.

I haven't wanted to self harm today so I hope that continues.

:) Just don't hesitate to call her in case you feel very low!!!

Yes, talking about childhood issues is complicated, but... isn't it better than ignoring and/or denying it and having problems because of it? When you become aware of all the problems and their consequenses and the mechanisms that were build in your brain to cope with the problems (but which are problematic now in your everyday life), then the real healing would start and you'll finally feel the positive impact of all this awful work you have to do now. You can do it, you "have to" do it for yourself. Set your mind free from all the bad stuff that has been put there during your childhood!!! :D

Posted

You're right. it's better than ignoring it. And that's what I have been doing for all of my life.

I've been in denial about things, such as my mother abandoning me and my sister. Up until this day I try to make excuses for my mum because I pity her so much and feel bad for her.

Only now am I processing everything and it really hurts.

Posted
Up until this day I try to make excuses for my mum because I pity her so much and feel bad for her.

This is not in contradction/conflict with understanding the negative impact of what she's done to you :D. My therapist told me several times that therapy is not about accusing and finding "the guilty one", it's just about understanding. (Because... in my case, I was, for a certain time, very reluctant against talking about my close family because I was sure that "nothing is their fault" and didn't want my T to convince me that "they've done something wrong". In fact, they really didn't. I don't blame anybody for anything. But it doesn't mean that the situation in our family didn't influence me negatively! And I didn't perceive the influence until my therapist helped me to see it.) It means that you still may have excuses and pity for your mum and don't need to blame her and say that "she ruined your life", but at the same time you may allow yourself to feel the anger and sorrow and any other emotion that you've been suppressing and also you may admit that her abandonment has influenced strongly your emotinos and your attitude toward yourself and the world. You may love somebody and be angry at him/her at the same time. The anger can be processed (without being suppressed).

When you'll see the connections between your abandonment and your current problems, it will all make more sense and be less painful and will open new ways...

Posted

You speak a lot of sense LaLa, thank you.

I think that my therapist outside of the hospital also said the same thing as you. But we hadn't gone so much in to depth about my mum and my childhood.

I'm glad that yesterday, in therapy, we just spoke about what was on my mind so we spoke luckily about current things. It wasn't so intense as the last few sessions. I needed a break.

I'm still dealing with feeling very on edge and uncomfortable, I can't really explain it... I've had it before where I really want to self-harm. Like I need to do something to calm me down and release the things that are boiled up inside of me. Maybe I need a punch bag here in the hospital or something?!

One of my roommates is here this weekend with me and we were just chatting and asking how each other are feeling. She said that she's feeling pretty bad and I said that I am too and am having lots of thoughts to self-harm. She said "but you won't do that whilst I am here". Not as in a question, but as in a statement. I hope that she's right. I know that I have a couple of things that I can use to hurt myself.. in a way I feel like doing it and then just not telling anyone, but I know that that won't help things.

Posted

It's very fine that your friend is there with you! I'm sorry she's also feeling bad... However, she at least can relate a bit to you...

Yes, it's good to have such "breaks" (less intense sessions) in therapy!! And talking about current feelings is definitely important, too. (For me, the probably the best (not always, but...) was to "combine it" - to talk about both present and past to some extent.)

Have a peaceful weekend and have a nice time with your friend! :D

Posted

Thank you LaLa... Sincerely appreciated.

The weekend went very fast and went OK. I was feeling relaxed for most of the time. But now it's Saturday night and I am thinking about having to get up in the morning to start a new week, it's difficult. I'm trying to be thankful for what I have, I really am, but my mood just feels very low and it's difficult to be enthusiastic about anything much.

17 months later, they're still changing my medications and they want to add a new one. But I don't want to add a new one. I was on 7 medications at one point and am now down to 4 and am tapering off of one of those, I'm hesitant about adding therefore a fourth longer term one.

Maybe someone has some experience with thyroid medications being used as an add on for depression?

I'm still trying my best not to hurt myself. I'm having urges this evening as well.

Posted

hi Amy ,

I am so sorry to read your having a hard time. i know that you are in a very safe place though. That helps me feel beter. I have a thyroid condition , and with it can bring on depressive symtoms if not treated. my Psychatrist caught it several years ago during a routine blood test. It is hypothyriod, Their are other symtoms as well, but can be easily treated. I take a pill for that , and do have Antidepressants among other medications I am suppose to take daily.

i am glad that you have been able to fight off the urges to self harm , trust me, one thing you do not want to do in a hospital is S/H. The S/J is only brief relief, then , for me , I just go back feeling the smae way or worse then I had before. I think the winter months are harder for me not to engage in that behavior, mainly because it is easier to hide it .Talking about the past can bring up very painful memories , and if it has not been dealt with or lingering it can be very hard to fight off the urge to take it out on oneself. That is why I think you are in a safe place to talk about these things and get the help/support that is so needed when dealing with the past especially when it is painful or full of abuse.

You will get stronger everytime you are able to fight off the urge to self harm . The feeling goes away a little at a time, I still am working on that myself after at around a year of not doing so .

Keep being strong, you will feel better for doing so , I am glad you have suport where your at and a caring roommate

Posted

Thanks.. Yes I am in a reasonably safe place. A lot safer than I would be if I were outside of the hospital and at home. Before I came in the hospital I was up to a lot of self-destructive things, drinking alcohol and taking lots of sleeping pills at once, inhaling solvents, cutting and burning myself and other things too. I was going crazy and things were just getting worse and worse.

Since being in the hospital, I have self harmed 3 times, but they were a lot less worse than when I had done so in the past. I haven't self harmed now for 3 months or so which is a pretty long time for me. At least something seems to be working. I have a lot of urges, even today, but somehow I am resisting them.

It's good that I am processing things in therapy whilst being in the hospital. Before I came in the hospital, I was with a private psychologist and was in such a state every time I was in and after therapy, hence the self-destructive acts. I couldn't take it all.

I hope that some progress has been made today. I went to go and speak with my psychiatrist about changing my anti-depressant as I have been on it for at least 4 months and it's not helping. Turns out she is on holiday for the next 2 days. So that was dissapointing. However, I went to go and meet with my social worker later and she asked how I was doing. She's really great and would make a brilliant psychologist I think! So I just kind of looked at her as if to say "not good, but I am fed up with complaining", so she took me to the head psychiatrist and we sat and spoke with him. He asked if I think that I should be in the closed ward of which I said no (I hope that I can stick to that) and I said that I'd like to change the anti-depressant. He asked which ones I'd been on outside of the hospital also, about 6, and if my family members have ever been on anti-depressants. My grandmother and father have been on Prozac in the past and it worked great for them so he said maybe we;ll try that. At least he said that he'll sit with my psychiatrist on Tuesday and see what other options we have.

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