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decisions, decisions - :eek:

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SweetSue

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Hmmm, been asked today if I feel ready to go home over christmas for a couple of days....... and honestly - I dont know.

I mean, I am doing better of late, and havnt "slipped" or tried to kill myself despite the urges to do so - not sure if thats coz Ive learnt to cope with the urges differently, or if coz of where I am, that its impossible for me to get up to much along those lines. :o

I want to go home - but not as a temporary measure, damn it. The last thing I want to do is screw things up again. And I'm scared that Im gonna end up doing just that. Maybe though that is a unrealistic fear - I get fearful of the stupidist of things at times. :)

Guess Ive gotten some serious thinking and soul searching to do - sheeze Im not good at being assertive enough to just decide one way or the other - or confident enough in myself to believe whole heartidly that Im not gonna trick myself - AGAIN, coz i know Im really good at doing that :D

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If you go home, are you planning to stay there by yourself? Because that would be my main concern. Being by yourself is depressing, unless you have family/close friends who you can spend Christmas with.

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Sue,

I think it's a good thing that you're thinking about what would happen if you went home. Would it be something you could talk about, in whatever therapy is available to you?

I mean, it's normal to worry about what you might do, and whether you're being honest with yourself, under the circumstances. Maybe it would change your perspective on things if you said what you feel out loud to someone?

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spoke with my nurse about it briefly a little while ago, and asked if it were possible to have a trial run, one night this week - dont think im ready for a full weekend yet - too much temptation to go back to .... well how i was really - but reckon one night should be ok - if i can do that without messing it up - then whats a weekend?

gotten therapy tomorrow, i like her, im usually open about some stuff with her now.

actually im just scared of screwing up all the good work ive done lately - coz i KNOW what i get like - which is stupid coz i KNOW that i can get through it too - its just which part of my brain is functioning at full pelt at that particular moment.

damn it im so frigging confused about what i am capable of and what im not capable of - coz my stupid head is so frigging gullable when it comes to the voices inside of me - mine aswell as theirs - shit, does that even make sense?

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Close enough for horseshoes and handgrenades, dearest. :-)

It makes perfect sense that you don't completely know your own mind. That's not an easy thing to do, after all. I don't really "know" where my stories come from, for instance. I like it and I know it's there, but I don't know exactly "where", if you see what I mean.

I think a trial run might be useful, as long as you're honest with yourself about what happens (how loud the voices get, for instance.) And I'm glad you might be able to discuss it with caring people (not knowfuckalls.)

Would you have somewhere you'd like to go, at Christmas? Or would you be stuck at home by yourself?

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"horseshoes and handgrenades" - yep :(

your stories are you big bro, well a part of you - the imaginative caring part. ive always liked your stories - my favourite one though is always gonna be the one for the four smilies :)

thats the thing - being honest and upfront to myself about the voices, especially when they proper kick in. thats a battle of wills - and sometimes i cave to them and just do as im told and say nothing. coz im still not brave enough to go against them when they are really angry with me...

..... and yes i know that there is a theory - for people who hear voices - it is just their own thoughts that are being heard but with the voices that sound unlike their own (if ive worded that correctly) - but I dont/cant believe that.

erm, i'd be at home..... s'pose i could e-mail one of my sisters or brothers, i was s'posed to keep in touch - but erm, yeah i dont need the hassle - besides they dont know im back inside. that would just make 'em think i had gone insane again - not a good idea.....

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Well, I'm not much concerned for theories. I'd rather stick with what works. If giving in to the voices doesn't work that well, maybe some other way will.

So, let's say they're not your thoughts. Are they the words of people you respect, or to whom you still owe obedience (if you ever did at all)? I'm not sure it's really about willpower, because they don't really have a say in what you do, any more. Unless you let them.

You could go home and e-mail us! :-) Or Skype, or write letters (or at least let me send you a card.) People who think you're crazy aren't worth your time, in my opinion.

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So, let's say they're not your thoughts. Are they the words of people you respect, or to whom you still owe obedience (if you ever did at all)? I'm not sure it's really about willpower, because they don't really have a say in what you do, any more. Unless you let them.

No, i dont respect them - never have...... im actually still really shit scared of 'em - yep even after all these years..... if its not my willpower that isnt strong enough to take no notice of 'em - then what is it?

.......or is it just my stupid sense of fear is stronger than my ability to ignore them.?

ok - IDK :confused:

yeah i shoulda known better than to get back in touch with my other siblings this year...... thought that things coulda been different - especially now that we are all older....... unfortunately - somethings never change :)

..........the ever famous - pipe dream ......... now all smoked out :)

thanks bro....... maybe you could write some more of your story by christmas - i wouldnt have ta e-mail you guys then :(

im getting myself all upset again - damn it.

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:-P You only love me for my storrrriiiiiiieeeessss ... *pout*

Okay, tantrum over: I know that's not true.

I plan to finish Superhamster in a day or two (I've promised 'Goliath' that he can do future SuperH stories [he's a fan, too], so I need to finish up so I can see his effort.) I have a Godfather story working in my head, though it's a bit more serious.

Sue, it's perfectly understandable, after all you've been through, that you would have fear. But it's something you can work on, whether the fear is still justified ...

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:-P You only love me for my storrrriiiiiiieeeessss ... *pout*

Okay' date=' tantrum over: I know that's not true.[/quote']

Awww, dont "pout" big bro, theres no need - I love you for many reasons. But mostly coz you are you:)

Hmmm - why are my tantrums never over that quickly? ...... I must just be a expert at sulking :(

I plan to finish Superhamster in a day or two (I've promised 'Goliath' that he can do future SuperH stories [he's a fan, too], so I need to finish up so I can see his effort.) I have a Godfather story working in my head, though it's a bit more serious.

Oh, Ok..... cant wait to read the rest of your Superhamster, or the continuation from 'Goliath' :)

...... And yay another Godfather story, you wanna say more about this, or are you gonna make me wait, hmmm, maybe its my turn to "pout" (though I prefere sulking :))

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well been told i can go home for my trial night, on saturday......... and i wanna shout - eh-he NO WAY i aint ready - its too soon. :eek:

dont think im eva gonna be ready - so may as well just stfu and go for it.

me and my big mouth - damn it im scared to go home, how stupid is that. its my home - i love it, no-one around to annoy me - i can do exactly what i want when i want,...... maybe thats what im scared of - me.

could really do wiv just a little self control and self confidence the now. HA like thats gonna happen anytime soon :):( :mad:

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thanks Beth:o

...... just came out from therapy, we were talking mostly about my fear of going home - its not funny i have seemed to of worked myself up into a right state about it since the nurse mentioned it to me yesterday - even more so since being told the trial is on saturday :eek:

we were talking about which of my fears were rational ones and which were irrational..... hmm, ok in my eyes they are ALL rational - but i guess i have to take into consideration what someone else says - its bound to be a more realistic viewpoint :(

and now im more confused than ever and feeling totally bewildered by it. damn it!!!

safety measures have been set into place this time though - like they are only going to send me home with one days worth of meds (atleast i wont be able to OD again) and if i feel im letting things get the better of me then i can just ring them and get a cab back to hospital.

this must sound so pathetic - im a grown up..... i just feel so small.................. :)

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I can say that your font size is challenging my "growing older" vision. :)

I'm sorry you feel small. :( Maybe try offering yourself some self-compassion. You're hurting and you are taking steps to ensure your well-being and safety. Practicing self-care. This is a positive thing. I'm glad you're doing that, Sue.

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sorry Beth, just think that the smaller it is written, then, what i write dont look so stupid.

got my third swim lesson in a little while - maybe that'll help take my mind off things for a bit - afterall i have to concentrate - or i will drown :eek:

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Enjoy the water :)

Just wanted you to know, _I_ have a safety net in place and I have used it and knowing I have it, has brought me through some challenging days. And sometimes I feel embarrassed I need it. :(

I hear how frightened you feel. {{{Sue}}}

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thanks for your understanding Ken and Beth I had a great time in the pool :)

im really shattere the now - cant sleep though, woz asleep till, another patient woke me up and scared the carp outta me.....

..... and now i really wanna be anywhere than here :(

dunnow where, just not here. had to have more medications, and im gutted about that, as i havnt had prns' for over a week :)

Ohhhhhh, sheeeezussssse - i get myself into such a state - over such minor things. im ashamed of myself really but not sure how to not be ME.

MAGIC WAND and RUBY SLIPPERS needed, and so i can just click my heals together three times flap my little wings and......

HA - that was Murphy - think im gonna go read big bros Godfather series...... :)

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awww, thanks Beth - for taking the time to find me a magic wand and some ruby slippers. It means a lot to me :(

Tryna calm myself down and do my breathing excercises - been given a fair bit of prns, so hopefully i will pass out soon.

I just got so scared when the other patient was in my room screaming at me - its not the patients fault, she is unwell, but heck where were the staff to keep her in her own room. Dont think she woulda hurt me - logically speaking - but then i dont know her either - and some patients can be quite aggressive. sorry im a coward - i know that. wish i werent - its just the way i am.

thanks for your care hun :)

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Sue, I can understand that being scary. :( I would have been scared too. I don't think your being afraid makes you a "coward." All of us feel afraid sometimes. You should see me on airplanes... :eek:

I hope you got back to sleep okay and that the rest of your night is undisturbed.

Take care.

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just tryna work through some of the warped stuff going through my head ....... feel free to "yawn" its probably real boring!!!

scared of being at home incase i "slip" up or the temptation too OD gets too strong.

i wont return to the hospital once i get the day release - not sure, still in two minds about this, my head wants me to run away, and im inclined to want to, even though i know running away wont solve anything.

worry that i wont be strong enough to behave - and faulter at the first bump of temptation - especially if i manage to con myself into believing just one more time - and it'll "be ok"

that as soon as i get my backside home, i will open the bottle get rat assed and not particulary care about what i do next.

oh stfu sue - this is so pathetic!!!

what'll be - will be.

i gotten till the morning to work through this mess, and get my head sorted. oh sheezus :( :( :( :mad:

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I'm sorry this is frightening for you. :( Can someone call to check in with you while you're home? Can you try thinking about some things you might like to do that would be enjoyable? Maybe reading or listening to music? Raindrops? Keep the safety plan in place and try being very aware of yourself. Or if you don't feel ready you can tell them this too.

Take care, Sue.

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Will you have access to your computer when you're at home? We're always here if you need us this weekend. :-)

If you decide it's not safe going home, that's okay too ♥

{{{{Sue}}}}

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