amberlyn

As Mona Lisa suggested, I thoroughly recommend The Bipolar Survival Guide. It's more of a help for those dealing with someone who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Almost everyone in my family read that book once I was dx'd with bipolar. Just some books that I love: First Person Plural by Dr. Cameron West - the author's autobiography on living with DID The Glory Field by Walter Dean Myers - generations of African-Americans living in America, starting when the first African in the family was brought to the US on a slave ship, and ending in the 1990's; very moving Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom - a man goes to visit his dying professor & ends up being taught, once again, about life; this book changed my life! *A Child Called It by Dave Pelzer *The Lost Boy by Dave Pelzer These two books are autobiographical, and are about the author's troubled childhood as being abused (in the first book) & his life as a foster child (in the second book). Can be triggering, but I loved them. Good books, just make sure to take breaks & stay in reality.

I wanted to share my story .... this week is National Eating Disorder Awareness week, so I posted my experience with anorexia on a social networking site that I'm on, so I could share it with all of my friends. Hopefully the one person that needs to read it, will. So here goes: Throughout middle school, I never really thought much about eating disorders, consciously anyway. I seemed to have an odd fascination with them and did any project I could on them. At the time, though, I didn't realize that I had already started developing anorexia. None of my eating habits changed because I wanted them to. It wasn't until my diagnosis (several years later) that I even realized that my habits had changed at all. I won't go into all the details - no need to trigger anyone who is also dealing with this. Anyway, by high school, I was basically only eating dinner and started excessive exercising. By 2008, I was eating as little as possible, usually just enough to keep myself from passing out... on top of exercising and purging. Though I've always been small & thin, I couldn't get enough of it. I was always "too fat," "ugly," or "not good enough." And honestly, after meeting others who were battling anorexia or bulimia, I felt in competition. I felt like I had a be better anorexic ... I had to be smarter, faster, thinner. What I didn't know at the time was "the only perfect anorexic is a dead one." This is so true. Anyway, my health declined extremely quickly. I was faint all the time, depressed, and never wanted to get out of bed. 2008 began with my diagnosis of anorexia nervosa. I was finally able to acknowledge that I had a problem but I wanted nothing to do with recovery. Recovery scared me because I didn't know how to live without starving myself. I had been doing this for the past 10 years and knew no other way. It was my constant comfort - it was the only thing I felt in control of, and the only thing that never changed. Whenever I had a bad day at work, Ed (the personalization of an eating disorder) was there. If I got in a fight with a friend, Ed was there. Of course, he was always mocking me ... staring back from the other side of the mirror, telling me how ugly and insignificant I was. But he never abandoned me. By the time that I dropped to 95 lbs (I'm 5'8"....), I was convinced to check myself into inpatient. Refeeding sucked the most. My stomach wasn't used to that much food, and it was honestly painful. After checking myself out, because I still wasn't ready to get better, I finally realized that something had to be done. At the time, I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to lose this constant in my life, but I was scared of dying ... after all, that's exactly what was happening. I did some research and got into an outpatient program. That was probably what saved my life, on top of the supportive people in my life. I remember the first day my stomach growled. I was in the middle of group therapy and it startled the mess out of me! Haha. After going so long eating so little, my stomach stopped acknowledging when it was hungry. A while after refeeding, it started up again. I thought it was my cue that I was "getting fat again," but with the help of outpatient and my support group, I learned that it just meant I was on my way to getting healthy again. Unfortunately, I now have chronic health issues thanks to the torture that I put my body through. December 11, 2009 was my one year of being in recovery. Today, I still struggle. It's still a fight... but I can look at myself in the mirror & generally like what I see. Something that so many people don't understand is that eating disorders are NOT about food! It's about control. And ironically enough, I've never felt more in control of my life than once I started my recovery.

I woke up this morning feeling very angry at my boyfriend. I was trying to justify it & kept saying "well it's because I feel that he didn't take me into consideration last night" ... which is true, but I'm not really that mad anymore. A little hurt, but it will pass. I'm trying to focus more on the fact that I (somehow!) got through last night without asking him to come home. I did call once to see when he'd be home, and in doing so, ended up having to tell him that I was having some anxiety. I didn't go into detail though, and I didn't express the severity. I'm proud of myself for doing that ... but I never wanna have to do that again! I know I will eventually though... My anxiety is still up today. After talking to a friend last night, I think that the anxiety (& oncoming depression) probably have to do with all of the recent changes: buying a house, moving to a new city, the boyfriend getting a new job, myself getting a new job, starting work yesterday .. I think it's just too much at once. And I know that a lot of my anxiety today is because of the job. I started my training yesterday but I don't feel like I can do the job. I'm still pretty frail from back surgery and this job involves a lot of lifting, moving, etc. I don't think it's a good idea to continue this if I want my surgery to not have been a waste of time & money. However, I'm terrified to tell my boyfriend about this ... I know that it's been soooo important that I get a job (because he doesn't feel like I'm contributing) and now that I got one, I'm just gonna leave? He'll probably think that I'm incapable of getting/keeping a job ... will worry about my reliability ... probably will start worrying about when I'm just gonna give up on us, too .... Ugh, now I'm mind-f---ing myself. Awesome. [sigh] I'm getting so depressed the past couple of days ... I don't know if I'm coming or going. I wish he would wake up so I could talk to him, cuddle with him, et cetera. I'm just so f-ing tired of feeling so alone.

Thanks, finding my way. I have been feeling somewhat better over the past couple of days. May have some depression kicking in, but I'm trying to take care of it.

Definitely will! Thanks again

Just got done talking to my 15 yr old cousin. She's not doing too well ... she's been dealing with depression for almost a year now, is trying not to SI again, trying to stay away from drugs&alcohol because she knows that there's addiction in our family... she's just so down. I see so much of myself in her, and in her situation. I don't want her to take the same roads that I did .. I want her to be better than that. She's stronger than that. & she has a MUCH better relationship with her parents than I ever did. I know that the relationship with her mom isn't going so well these days, but she still feels like she can talk to her - and sometimes, that's all that matters. I'm glad that she's able to talk to me & I'm glad that I can be there for her & help her see what paths just lead to destruction. I just kinda feel like crap now. She's going through A LOT of the same things that I went through... but I never had anyone talk to about all of it. I never had anyone listen to me or say "don't do that, it's dumb" or anyone who even cared enough to realize that anything was wrong! I never told my parents about ANY of my abusive past (no, that's not what she's going through ... just venting now) until I was 17 years old. Neither of them had any clue & once I told them, they called me a liar. Why does that happened? What did I ever do? Ugh ... just having a really hard day. Missing my cousin, wishing she was here for me to hug & tell her everything's gonna be alright ... missing my kiddos .. Just trying to stay positive. It's not working well, though.

I will definitely have to check out that book, Cynthia. I've been in recovery for a little over a year now and it's getting easier everyday, but every coping skill can help some! Thanks for the info!

Andrea, In my opinion, I think the most important part of stabilization is keeping your doctor in the loop. Let him/her know what works, what doesn't, what increases certain thoughts, and whether or not you're taking them as prescribed. This will help the doctor be able to help you. I had to go through several cocktails before I found the medications that work for me. It's almost never a "get it on the first try" kind of situation with meds. I hope that you're therapy is going well ... and talk to your therapist about this, too. The more people you talk to about it, the more suggestions you will get - and you never know which suggestion might be exactly what you need. Take care

OMG ... I swear that if it's not one thing it's another!! Finally seem to be a LITTLE less stressed, and now I've somehow f***ed up my hip! Why am I just some little ant underneath a magnifying glass?? MIL said that she thinks it's just pain transferred from my back surgery - but I've learned that it's not. It doesn't have the symptoms for it. Nothing fits. I thought I had a strained muscle, but no swelling so that doesn't make sense. Haven't seen any bruising. I don't know what's going on. And I somehow have to get into the doctor tomorrow for my ovarian cysts. The nurse said that since I've had three in the past two weeks (which is inconsistent and abnormal for me) that I need to come in. Ugh ... I don't have the money for this s***. [sigh] Whatever. I'll see if the boyfriend can help me out. On top of this, I feel like I'm dissociating more & more. I probably dissociate in short amounts of time throughout probably 50% of my day now. So that's not helping. Depression is really sinking in hardcore right now, too. Just gotta do emotionally like I do with the physical pain ... suck it up & push through. I dunno how I'm gonna survive ...

This afternoon/evening has definitely been a challenge for me. I'm at home by myself right now ... and was planning on being alone for the next three days. My boyfriend is gone to his dad's so he can work on our new house, but that means that I'm here alone. My anxiety is through the roof right now - I won't even go outside right now for a cigarette - but my friend is coming over, thankfully. I have the greatest friends ever. One is coming over to stay with me tonight & tomorrow his fiance is coming over, and they'll both stay the night tomorrow night. They both know about my anxiety issues and are more than happy to help me out. Eating was a challenge tonight too. I guess my typical reaction to anxiety is reverting back to my eating disorder. (Anxiety = feeling out of control = desire for control = anorexic behaviors) I know that I did some of ritualistic habits, like eating very quickly & cutting up my food really small, but I also know that if I didn't do that, I probably wouldn't have eaten at all. At least I made myself eat ... and there wasn't even anyone here to push me! I did it all on my own... I guess I'm kinda proud of myself. Anxiety is still up a bit, but not as bad now that I've written some & my friend will over in about 20 minutes. <3 Thank god for best friends!

Feeling very alone today. I took my meds last night & this morning like I'm supposed to, but I'm still feeling down. Then again, I know that the meds won't kick in immediately since I haven't taken them consistently in a few years. No one is responding to my posts on here. Maybe this isn't the website for me. No one ever posts responses on my Facebook much anymore either. Yeah, maybe I'm not posting the most informative or thought-provoking statuses, but I've seen people respond to stupider things. I feel very lonely. No one is talking to me, my boyfriend has been playing video games LITERALLY all day ... Just me & the computer, and the computer isn't much company. I would love to get out and go somewhere, but where? Besides, it's snowing. Driving is a bad idea. Ugh ... I have so much going on, some many questions I wish could be answered, some much that I'm worried about ... but no one to talk to...

So I know that I'm posting a reply about a month after you all have talked about this, but I think my perspective could be interesting, and perhaps even beneficial. When I was four years old, my parents got a divorce. It was extremely hard on me, I blamed myself, etc. When I was about eight, they got back together. They refused to marry each other again but claimed that they loved each other; my senior year of high school, they caved in and remarried. Now, they are going through their second divorce - I am 22. I don't think that it is any easier or harder on me now than it was the first time. I think in some ways, it's easier because I know more of what's going on that led to the divorce and I know that they just cannot be together. However, I'm going through this for the second time. I thought it was supposed to really last this time, ya know? I watch my ten-year-old sister deal with our parents' separation. She's holding up much better than I did when they divorced the first time. I think that's partially because I refuse to let her think it's her fault or that there's anything she can do to change this; I never got that reassurance. I think it's also partially because we're simply two different people. And people will always react differently. I don't think that one age group or another deals with divorce better. I honestly believe that you could do study after study about it, and you would get inconsistent results. People deal with trauma differently. That's all there is to it.