pseudome

What's going on? I'm around if you need to talk/vent. I'm sorry you are feeling that way.

Gasoline, saccharine I’ve got no reason for the state I’m in But I know what I am They know what they are So let me be

((((i'm glad you decided to accept (this is a hug))))

That’s a very tough place to be, Jenna. I hope you know you have support here if nothing else. A christmas birthday, huh? Tell your daughter to be prepared to hear the phrase “oh, you’re a christmas baby” every time she fills out a form for anything or has to show her ID . I hope you can trust that things will work out and children don’t hate their parents for being poor. If you love your kids and can show them that—then that’s more important than anything. I know being a parent is filled with things that make you feel guilty at every turn. But in a way, sometimes that in and of itself is a sign that you love them. Can I make a suggestion? Do with it what you will, because I don’t really know enough about your relationship with your husband to be imparting advice, I’m only speaking from a personal past experience, but… It sounds like you are the one left making things happen and he isn’t pulling his weight. Is that correct? Sometimes, it’s almost easier to be a single parent. I’m not saying to leave him, but sometimes if you let go of feeling responsible for doing things for him (applying for jobs for him and etc), and instead just think of yourself as being responsible for you and your kids only, then you might find relief of a burden and he just might get his act together. I know the difficult part of that is that you NEED him to get his act together. But the question to ask is—is doing it for him working and what is it doing to you? Can you let go enough to let him deal with the consequences of his own actions (or inactions?) If he is not contributing, then you are already getting by without his help anyway. I’m sure you’ve gone down the list of ways to get assistance…but, have you tried WIC? Food stamps? Anything like that yet? I’m not sure what else to suggest. Sometimes there are free things to do with kids for the holidays—a holiday parade, looking at christmas lights, things like that. Just being with your kids can be a gift to them. Or entrust them with something sentimental that belongs to you for a gift. Things like that can mean more than stuff from a store. You’re not in an easy place at all. I am sorry you have to endure this. You’ve got my sympathy, for sure. Hang in there. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.

I think even if life is technically ok now, just as Athena said, that doesn't mean that your brain has learned to react in the right way yet. I also think that sometimes, it is when things do finally become stable, that your brain decides it's ok to start purging all the random crap its been storing, sending you into a chaos that feels painfully unjustified.

I still very much enjoy reading your blogs, by the way. Much of this I relate to very much. You always express yourself very well. This line in particular: Those are tough feelings. I like that you never seem to give up. And I'm glad you are feeling better.

nothing wrong with being groovy!

Sorry yyour therapy was heavy, suesue. I got tissues for you (xcept they're invisible because I'm writing from my phone...but they're there. I promise.) Your story about swimming and about card making made me smile. You are stronger and more beautiful than you know. I hope you rest well tonight. Dream of africa? The gerties? The dung beetles hauling the crap away? ((((Hugs))))

I know that sometimes the fear is that putting your foot down will cause people to leave. It’s hard to see that if people leave when you stand up for yourself, they weren’t worth having around anyway. If they can’t respect you enough to let you have self respect, then they aren’t a good influence. Having people upset with you as a result, or even leave you as a result can hurt pretty badly. But the ones that stick with you are the gems. I let a man walk all over me for 7 years and I never much pushed back because I was afraid of hurting him. Never mind how much he hurt me. One thing I appreciate about my current husband, despite his flaws, is that I can get mad at him, and if the anger is valid, he never holds it against me. You’re doing good trying to stand up for yourself. It isn’t easy, for sure.

You most certainly have my sympathy Athena. I’ve had disturbingly similar experiences. Try not to let what you read in the self help book get you down. I know how stuff like that is. But keep in mind, it’s just statistics. It doesn’t mean it’s destined to happen to you. Your positive attitude is admirable. I’m more than happy to hang out in your corner and cheer you on.

I agree with Solstice--even if he doesn't have the guts to say why, he could at least tell you it's over in some more official way. I don't know if it's a cowardly move--like he's afraid of the fallout of actually telling you; or if there is some self centered pleasure to be had in knowing someone is floundering around confused for awhile. I tend to always assume something horrible has happened too when i don't hear back from people. And then finding out that they're perfectly fine, they just decided to be an asshole, is always a blow. Being broken up with hurts enough as it is. I have a story to tell on that front...but not today. For now, you have my sympathy. This sucks, no doubt. I'm sorry he's flaking on you. For what it's worth, worrying about him having a key and all of that is probably unfounded. There are always lots of things a person techinically could do/could have done. Most never happen. Is there anything you can do to take care of yourself and distract from this for awhile?

Sorry you feel low, suesue. But glad to hear a part of you is wanting to live. To the bunker? the gerties need to be fed their chocolate leaves, I think. They miss you.