Endlessnight Posted March 14, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2015 I'm feeling broken in pieces. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted March 15, 2015 Report Share Posted March 15, 2015 What's happening, En? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted March 17, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 17, 2015 I don't know Finding. I feel broken and I can't put the pieces of me together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted March 17, 2015 Report Share Posted March 17, 2015 I'm sorry you are feeling broken, M. How is your physical health recently?Sitting with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted March 20, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 20, 2015 My physical health is really bad Beth. I know that is contributing to how I feel. The funny thing is that I went to the Pdoc about ten days ago and I told him I was stable - haven't been having any real lows in a while, but also not been having any 'highs' either. He told me it was because the med I was taking (Entapro and Lamictal) help stabilize mood, but the downside to that is they also prevent me from feeling happy. He wrote a med I could take at night, instead of the Seroquel, which he said would help me sleep and also raise my mood. When I went to buy it and saw the price I wasn't able to afford it. It cost almost $100. Anyway, since then I have been feeling really down. I feel like I am made up of separate parts and they are not joined together properly. None of them works properly. I am so sick of putting up with all the day to day pettiness that living with my brother and his wife involves.And apart from all of these feelings, recently I realised I didn't hate my father anymore. I wished I could see him to tell him how sorry I was for making his life miserable, because I know I did. I've realised he and I destroyed each others lives, but I am not resentful anymore. I just wish I had been brave enough to live my life and allowed him to live his. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Resolute Posted March 20, 2015 Report Share Posted March 20, 2015 hey endless, it's me resolute, again....i'm sorry you're not able to feel happy (join the club), but i'm glad that you had this realization regarding your father and your relationship with him. perhaps that development will help you heal some of your pains.all the best to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted March 21, 2015 Report Share Posted March 21, 2015 Wishing you healing too, En So sorry for all this pain. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted March 24, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 24, 2015 Dear Resolute, thank you for being kind. The letting go of my hate, resentment and bitterness, where my father is concerned, is a big deal for me and I think it has helped me find some peace at least. The only thing is, now I feel guilty. Guilty because of all the pain I caused him.How are you doing, Resolute? Has their been any improvements in your life? ((((hugs)))) M.Hello Finding, and thank you also. How are you? I hope you have been able to find some peace, as I wish it for myself and everyone on these boards. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Resolute Posted March 24, 2015 Report Share Posted March 24, 2015 i'm happy that you've found some peace, and sorry that you feel guilty; i know how much of a burden guilt can be. i hope you get through that as well.i'm ok, not much has changed, but i'm working on something, let's hope it works....thanks for hugs, and right back at ya. take care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted March 28, 2015 Report Share Posted March 28, 2015 En there are always ups and downs, but I am doing ok. Do you remember our shopping trip many years ago? Wasn't it by helicopter? I think I'm due for another one of those... It has been a long winter! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted March 31, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2015 Resolute: I'm glad you hear you are trying something and I hope very much it works. Please let me know it goes. Finding I'm so sorry, I went without you! It was my birthday Thursday, and since birthdays aren't celebrated here I decided to treat myself. I bought myself a bag for school - I've been needing one for ages. Then I went and had a cappucino at the mall. It would have been better with company though - sorry I didn't invite you! Next time!My birthday was on Saturday, not Thursday. March 28th. Re-read this and realised my mistake. This is the kind of confusion that I'm having quite often, and it's worrying me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Resolute Posted March 31, 2015 Report Share Posted March 31, 2015 thanks, and happy birthday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted April 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 1, 2015 Resolute, thank you. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted June 18, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 18, 2015 Today is the first day of Ramadan. I haven't done anything since I got up at 2:00pm. There is a lot of cooking done during this month so I have asked my sister-in-law more than once if there is anything I can help her with but she always says no. Her mother lives with us and she does her own thing in the kitchen. I feel like a third wheel. I want to help, but I know they don't want it. I do help with the washing up - I don't ask, I just wash whatever I find in the sink, and I clean up where I can, but that's about it. I used to do a lot of cooking but I stopped because it's so hot in the kitchen, especially with all the gas cooker and oven on full blast, but my sister-in-law and her mother don't like the AC to be on in the kitchen. I can't cook in 40C heat without an AC. Actually it's closer to 50C with the heat from the oven and the other cooking. I decided to try and take things as they come this year, not to stress about things, but as always I can't keep the anxiety and panic away. Lately I've been hyperventilating and I'm not sure over what - I suppose my anxiety is the kind that isn't specific? If that is possible? I hate this time of year, but then again my anxiety is year round and not just in this month, though it tends to get worse during Ramadan. The heat doesn't help either. I'm kind of rambling on because I'm waiting for sunset so we can break fast. I am going to eat with all of them as I have been doing for the past few years, even though my brother still isn't talking to me or his son after what happened months ago. Though I pretend he isn't there I still feel as though I can't breathe even when I pass him in the hall way or kitchen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaLa Posted June 18, 2015 Report Share Posted June 18, 2015 Hello, M., it's so very good to hear from yo again!! I've thinking of you often. (And, BTW, I also know "Ken Ian" did, too - he mentioned it to me in a PM few weeks ago... I'm not sure he contacted you and wrote you this, so I wanted to let you know.)I feel like a third wheel. I see why you might feel so, but... there are also good reasons not to: The heat in the kitchen is terrible; you might be grateful that you're not obliged to be there, to help with cooking. You are "splitting" the workload: They are cooking, you're dishwashing. It's OK, it's natural that members of a household have different roles. You are not useless, you're willing to help when needed and you do your part of the work. It's sad that they can't express their gratitude to you (for instance, I always thank my husband when he washes the dishes, "although" he sees it as his "duty" and he likes to do it). But it's their problem. Lately I've been hyperventilating and I'm not sure over what - I suppose my anxiety is the kind that isn't specific? If that is possible? I think it's hard to tell the cause - in such weather and under circumstances when you're always prone to anxiety . But I think it's possible that it might be unspecific anxiety or anxiety with an unconscious trigger. Is there something that helps you to calm down in such situations?...my brother still isn't talking to me or his son after what happened months ago. Though I pretend he isn't there I still feel as though I can't breathe even when I pass him...Oh, those are pretty awkward and often even painful situations, I know ... It's so sad that some people are unable to "let somethings go", to find forgiveness and peace. I'm not sure there's something to do about it. Have you tried already? For instance something like telling (or writing?) him: "I'm sorry our relationship has become so bad / frozen / ?, but I want you to know I still care about you and your wellbeing." Perhaps it could move him? In any case, I wouldn't expect any change for better - such hope could only lead to greater disappointment. But perhaps it would be possible to try to "break the ice" at least once, by one sentence; I don't know...Good luck with this difficult time of Ramadan!Hugs,L. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted June 19, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 19, 2015 Lala I'm so happy to hear from you! I've missed you and a lot of people on here even though I haven't been coming here in a while. How are you? I hope you and your family are doing well.... Thank you for your helpful advice - I always do think over what you've said and try and use your advice as best I can.Thank you for telling me that Ken had mentioned me - it makes me feel a little better. I did send him a pm when I came back a few days ago, but I never got a reply which is understandable now. Don't bother about my posts here Lalaa I like to write what I am feeling in the hope that 'getting it out of me' might help me feel less anxious about things. I know people use blogs to write about their everyday annoyances and little things that upset them, but I prefer writing here. Maybe one day I'll get used to the blogs and use them.Take care, Lala. ((((((hugs)))))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted June 23, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 23, 2015 I slept 12 hours last night and I could have slept more. I had to force myself to get up. I've only been up a couple of hours and I'm feeling so tired and lethargic. Ramadan is taking it's toll on my body, as it does every year. Turning the day's schedule upside down: night becomes day and day becomes night, is just something I find it next to impossible to handle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaLa Posted June 26, 2015 Report Share Posted June 26, 2015 It's not surprising to me; Just consider how jet-lags of several hours can badly affect some people... And it's even proven that such "time shifts" have negative consequences on metabolism, ... - overall health. I hope at least that one month doesn't do too much harm... Hugs... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted June 27, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 27, 2015 Thank you for the hugs, Lala. I need some today. Again I slept too much, still didn't want to get up. I've been hiding in my room since I got up. The lethargy is still there though I forced myself to vacuum my room, which it has needed doing for a while now. I can't wait for this month to be over. I feel like such an outsider - everyone is embracing Ramadan but me. I feel useless, unnecessary, out of place. I'm very much inside my 'cell'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted June 27, 2015 Report Share Posted June 27, 2015 Sending you some sunshine and light, M. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted June 27, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 27, 2015 Thank you for the beautiful pic, Beth. It made me smile. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted July 12, 2015 Author Report Share Posted July 12, 2015 Struggling with feelings of worthlessness and loneliness. I feel like I'm missing someone or something - I don't know what or who.After all these years I still am unable to handle change in any way, Ramadan still turns me upside down: my mental, physical and emotional state is not good. Hiding away from everything - if only I could. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaLa Posted July 12, 2015 Report Share Posted July 12, 2015 (edited) I feel like I'm missing someone or something - I don't know what or who.M., I think you might be missing somebody close who would love you and/or be your intimate friend . We all need someone like that ...Ramadan still turns me upside downNo wonder it's having these effects on you ... It's such a challenging and even dangerous "habit"! (BTW; I heard (on the radio) that there are some critics of it who think it should be... at least very "modified" - according to them, it's bad for the economy of Muslim countries (mostly because people don't work well during Ramadan), they also criticise the over-eating during the night that is typical for most people the last years/decades, but... I suppose they must also be aware that it has serious consequences regarding health of some people. I know this doesn't give you much hope as if change happens, it won't be soon. I just wanted you to know that there are many critics of this holiday among Muslims, too.)I'd wish to send you some real freshness, nature, serenity, peace, ... So... at least some pictures......and a HUG!Take care!L. Edited July 12, 2015 by LaLa I corrected some mistakes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted July 12, 2015 Author Report Share Posted July 12, 2015 Thank you for the refreshing pictures, Lala, especially the last two. I love trees and if I lived in a place where there were such trees as the one in the second picture, I think I would live on it! I wish I could hug all the trees in the world! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaLa Posted July 12, 2015 Report Share Posted July 12, 2015 I can relate to this love of trees and your longing; it's hard to imagine living without trees... *sigh* Small 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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