memories

[LaLa]

I'm so glad to hear it's getting better, M.!

[LaLa]

M., here's a short text I happened to read today: http://ibibliophilia.wordpress.com/category/irvin-yalom/

It occurred to me that maybe it might be interesting (?) for you, too .

[LaLa]

Hello, M., how do you feel? Is it any better? Are you still taking those meds?

[LaLa]

How are you, M.?

[Endlessnight]

Hello Lala. Thank you for the lovely card. The pain hasn't completely gone away yet but I'm slowly getting better. I've been having a problem with the medication though - it's been causing me to have insomnia - something I haven't had in a long while thanks to the med I take at bedtime: Seroquel. The other day I didn't get to sleep till 7:00 AM. Luckily it wasn't a work day, but I wake up tired and disoriented. Anyway today is the last day for me to take the meds so I hope my sleeping at least will improve. If the pain is still bad do you think it would be okay to keep taking Ibuprofen for it?

I've been thinking about my illness and wondering if it was caused by stress. I read that stress can cause the virus to re-activate. I've realised that every time I start doing something new I get sick. I first got asthma when I started a new job - I had never had it before. After that, when I took the part time job before this one I got tendonitis. Now I got shingles. Why is my body so weak and why do I get ill everytime I'm stressed or upset? I know the shingles started just after the marriage proposal thing too, but how can I anything about the stress because I don't really consciously know I am stressed. It's a vicious circle.

I've also - for some reason - been thinking about the years old diary entry I read months ago, that I'd forgotten about, where I wrote that I couldn't leave my father and go back to England because he was getting old and I felt responsible for him. I've been thinking that maybe that wasn't true at all. Maybe it was just another of my excuses to never do anything that required effort and something new and different. Maybe I was scared but I've never admitted that to myself preferring to find reasons or make excuses. What if that is the case? It means I have to stop blaming others and blame only myself. Though that doesn't really make sense because I've always blamed myself for everything anyway.

Today for some reason I'm feeling very fragile - as though I might break. I don't know why.

[Endlessnight]

I wonder if anyone can help me with a question about depression meds? I've read that we should stop taking the meds after a few years because it's been found that long term medication can actually cause depression. Does anyone know if that is true? I know that its preferable if we learn to do without the meds but I'm wondering what might happen if at some time I do have to stop taking them. Sometimes I've thought I should have stopped years ago because it's only since taking them that my physical health has deteriorated. I wish it was as easy as just waking up one day and saying 'okay, I dont' need you any more' and throwing all my meds out the window.

[finding my way]

Hi En! I do not know the answer to your question on meds, but I did want to say Hi to you . I hope something brings you some peace today! We are experiencing spring after a VERY long winter.

[Endlessnight]

Hello Finding. Nice to see you! I'm glad to hear spring is on it's way for you. Unfortunately we don't have seasons but our perpetual summer just turned the heat on full blast! Ugh!

[finding my way]

whoa! Has your area ever seen a snow flake? Sorry if that's a dumb question!!!

[Endlessnight]

It's not a dumb question, and no, it never snows here - ever.

[finding my way]

Do you have a favorite food, En? I'm trying to imagine what grows in your area... !

[Endlessnight]

There are places in the country where through irrigation, crops grow. When I said it never snowed here I meant the city I live in. There are places in the far north of the country, or south where snow has been known to fall, but not to the extent that it happens in the west. If it snows anywhere in this country it is major news and quite a novelty!

As for a favourite food...I think you have the idea that not everything is available but it is. We have supermarkets galore that bring foodstuffs from all over the world, and we have lots of American fast food outlets too, which has caused major health problems here from people not used to such processed foods suddenly eating a lot of it.

[finding my way]

Over here there is a big movement for some to buy locally grown food, and crops that are not genetically engineered. So after Americans totally messed with the food industry now many Americans want to dial all that back for more natural foods!

Nutrition is interesting. Food can sure impact how we feel. I have a friend that has beaten cancer and she will only eat raw foods for the most part. She shared some recipes with me, and that kind of food does give a person more energy. We need a lot more fresh enzymes in raw foods than we tend to get.

Are there any foods you enjoy, En? I love gluten free spaghetti with LOTS of broccoli in it for some reason

[Endlessnight]

I love vegetables, and eat a lot of them. I think if I had to name a favourite food it would be anything to do with potatoes - I love potatoes!

[finding my way]

I just came back from breakfast with LOTS of potatoes!!!

[Endlessnight]

[Endlessnight]

I am so sick of myself. I still don't know who 'me' is but I know I hate whoever I am. I don't want to go on anymore. I am so weak and useless and worthless, and knowing that I am that way, not to other people, but to myself.I hate it that I am unable to help myself, my uselessness.

Yet:

There is such a longing in me

I could reach the stars

Play in the clouds

Sail over the oceans

Fly with the wind

Kiss all the children of the world

Make everything right

These feelings, longings, that return to me now and again, they are what make my living more hateful and worthless.

[IrmaJean]

Maybe these are ways you would find connection to yourself and to living? Can you feel connection now at all, if even for just moments?

I'm sorry you're feeling so down.

[LaLa]

I am so sick of myself. I still don't know who 'me' is but I know I hate whoever I am. I don't want to go on anymore. I am so weak and useless and worthless, and knowing that I am that way, not to other people, but to myself. I hate it that I am unable to help myself, my uselessness.

I hear you, M. . I know such self-hate myself, I know it's too hard to accept a different opinion of others when one feels this way . Yet, I have to tell you at least that I'm very sorry you feel this way...

And... one idea: have you ever questioned the uselessness or even the longing for "being useful"? In many ways, you're not useless - there are people in whose lives you've made a difference (your nieces, your students/pupils, us, ...?). You may argue that "this has not been useful" - but what your criteria are? Why do they need to be like they are (those criteria)?

It reminds me a bit of this quote (from a Yalom's book):

Culture, of course, plays an important role in the shaping of the individual’s values. Regarding “activity”, Florence Kluckholm suggests an anthropological classification of value orientations that postulates three categories: “being”, “being-in-becoming” and “doing.” The “being” orientation emphasizes the activity rather than the goal. It focuses on the spontaneous natural expression of the “is-ness” of the personality. “Being-in-becoming” shares with the “being” orientation an emphasis on what a person is rather than on what the person can accomplish, but emphasizes the concept of “development.” Thus, it encourages activity of a certain type—activity directed toward the goal of the development of all aspects of the self. The “doing” orientation emphasizes accomplishments measurable by standards outside of the acting individual. Obviously contemporary conservative American culture, with its emphasis on “what does the individual do?” and “getting things done,” is an extreme “doing” culture.

Still, in every culture there are wide ranges of individual variation.

I suppose your problem isn't in longing for some "miraculous" accomplishments, a big success, but nevertheless it seems to me that this realization of different approaches to life can be insightful to you as well: Perhaps you're also a bit too much judging yourself from a position of a "doing" culture, while there is this also "being" position, which could be much more convenient for you. What do you think?

However, this was more about the "everyday life issues" and the "usefulness" in "down to earth" contexts.

From this beautiful text you wrote:

There is such a longing in me

I could reach the stars

Play in the clouds

Sail over the oceans

Fly with the wind

Kiss all the children of the world

Make everything right

it seems to me you're suffering rather/more from a lack of self-transcendence, of freedom and feeling of deep connection with the world (that's my interpretation). Well, I'd remark on it that this is something each of us may suffer from, almost regardless of his/her conditions of living, his actual "level" of freedom.

I was quite surprised by your commentary:

These feelings, longings, that return to me now and again, they are what make my living more hateful and worthless.

Why and how would they make it more hateful and worthless? The only way I can somehow understand this opinion is that you hate the contrast between your longings and your practical possibilities. Perhaps also you hate that thinking of it makes you suffer unnecessarily. But even though I consider this suffering avoidable (not by "getting rid of" these "dreams", but by accepting that they are dreams (and may be pleasant to dream/imagine!) or by interpreting them so that you find ("beyond them") some things you long for and can obtain), I also think it's beautiful (and natural) to have such longings. Why would it be bad in any way?

It also occurred to me: Have you tried to put your feelings and longings in poetry (not necessarily in verse - creation is rules-free!), in every moments you feel overwhelmed by them? (This approach used to help me a lot, in past.) It seems to me that art, creation (not necessarily just verbal, of course) would be a great opportunity for you to experience unlimited freedom, together with a relief from "unbearable" emotions and thoughts. All you need to do it is just stop all self-judgement, all critique of what you create. There are no criteria other than your feeling of expressing yourself in an uncensored way.

My thoughts are with you...

Hugs,

L.

[LaLa]

I've just seen this quotation and ... perhaps it could be a good idea to share it with you here:

Something can be meaningful even though its meaning eludes all attempts to put it into words, for example the smile on the face of the Mona Lisa; the evening sunlight on the hill behind my house. Anybody who goes through life with open mind and open heart will encounter these moments of revelation, moments that are saturated with meaning, but whose meaning cannot be put into words. These moments are precious to us. When they occur it is as though on the winding unlit stairway of our lives we suddenly come across a window through which we catch sight of another and brighter world, a world to which we belong but which we cannot enter.

Roger Scruton

[Endlessnight]

Maybe these are ways you would find connection to yourself and to living? Can you feel connection now at all, if even for just moments?

Beth when I am like this I cannot feel connection to anything, least of all myself. Self connection is what I want the most - to be one with 'me' and not feel separate from whoever the 'me' is.

Thank you for your kindness Beth. Whenever I see a post from you I feel a warmth and think of flowers and sunlight and good things.

Lala,

I hear you, M. . I know such self-hate myself,

I am so sorry you feel that inside. I know how corrosive it is even while being unable to overcome it myself.

I want to make a difference in my life, Lala. I seem to be kinder to others than I am to myself. I can forgive others while being unable to forgive myself. I think I can even love others but am unable to love myself. I say think because I am still not sure what 'love' is or means or if I have the ability to feel it, let alone give it to someone else.

I wrote those words, that 'poem' while feeling overcome, so it was kind of doing what you suggested. I used to do it all the time - write, as poetry or just lines, whenever I felt overcome or overwhelmed with feelings. I don't do it anymore, except for those lines I wrote.

i think I said feelings like this are hurtful because, although I know I can't literally do those things, I want to do them inside at least. To not be stifled by life. I can't explain very well what I mean.

Lala, I have to go now. I will finish replying to what you wrote when I get back.

[IrmaJean]

A friend of mine once told me that in order for us to fully see something in another it had to already be present in ourselves. Perhaps there is warmth and sunshine and flowers in you too, M? Thank you for seeing me...it means a lot. It teared me up reading that.

I think one way to begin cultivating kindness and compassion to self is to first offer it to others. You are capable. I too find it easier to offer it to others; I think that is common. It feels a bit odd at first, offering kindness and love to self, but it does get easier with practice.

Did writing poetry help in the past? Maybe this kind of self expression could help you self-connect now?

Take care, M.

[Endlessnight]

I finally went to see the Pdoc. He was nice, asked me a few questions. He asked me about family circumstances and if I had support there. After my explaining the way things were at home he understood I had none. He told me I shouldn't stay home, that I should get out as much as I could, which I try and do anyway.

Anyway, He increased my dose of Entapro, Loxol (Lamictal), and Seroquel for 1 month and I am to return to him.

I tend to not take the full dose the doc prescribes for me, (for various reasons, mostly to do with cost), so I have been taking only half of the prescribed dose. Even today, I am supposed to take 100 Lamictal x 2 daily, but I've only taken 50mg. - okay, I've just decided I will take another 50mg. I realised, while typing this how stupid it sounds to not follow the docs orders. I don't even know why I don't, why I always take less than prescribed. I know it's mostly because of how expensive the meds are - when I'm feeling good, I decide to cut down to save money.

The doc told me to return in a month, and when I explained about my financial problems he wrote a note for me to give the hospital when I come back that will allow me a free return visit. They only allow free return visits in the space of a week, so I thought that so nice of him. I hope the hospital won't take the money from his salary.

[LaLa]

(Sorry for my late answer, M. .)

I'm very glad to hear that your doc is so understanding and shows his care about you even in this way! (Don't worry about his salary - he'll probably find a way to do it without loses .)

I understand that it's hard for you to take something so expensive, mainly when it's supposed to help you and you don't seem to care enough about your needs (I mean you don't feel the urge to do anything possible "just because" it could possibly help you) . Moreover, there's also the uncertainty - you cannot be sure that the meds taken as prescribed would really help you get much better in the long term. This way, you perhaps keep your hope that they would, if you once decided to take them as you should.

OK; sorry for these "interpretations / fantasies" - perhaps I'm all wrong and the only problem here is indeed money.

You probably know (from your doc or the internet) that the effects of this kind of meds are very dose-dependent. (Some even have opposite effects at low and at high doses! I don't know if it's the case of yours, but some psychiatric medications really do.) It's almost always a struggle to find the right dose, but once it's found, it's better to keep it (if nothing changes), as far as I know.

I don't know if anything of what I've just written is worthy mentioning . My main message "behind it" is: I care about you, I worry about your health, I'd love you to feel much better in the long term, I'm sorry you're not trying to do what could be done for yourself and I'm sorry money is such an issue, complicating everything...

Take care and let us know how you are now!

[Endlessnight]

Hello dear Lala. Thank you for your concern and advice. Ramadan starts tomorrow and I hope I don't wake up in the morning.