memories

[LaLa]

I've heard about Ramadan starting today and have been thinking of you . I hope it won't be too hard for you to survive this difficult period, I hope you'll take your meds as needed and nobody will see it, ...

(((M)))

[Endlessnight]

Well, I'm still here unfortunately. Thank you Lala for your thoughts.

[IrmaJean]

Can you take a moment to feel something peaceful today, M? I'm sorry you feel so sad.

[Endlessnight]

Beth, I don't feel really sad. I'm just tired of living.

[Endlessnight]

I don't think increasing the dose of my meds is helping. I'm feeling just as bad, if not worse, than before. I feel like I can't breathe. I don't want to leave my room. I feel useless and unwanted.

[IrmaJean]

Can you phone your doctor? Maybe this is not the right dosage or medication for you?

I'm here and listening. I hear that you are tired. Sitting here with you, dear M.

[Endlessnight]

Oh Beth, how kind you are. Thank you for understanding, for being with me.

[LaLa]

(((M)))

What a shame I cannot hug you in person ...

It occurred to me to mention something I posted elsewhere on this forum (because of its relevance to me):

Recognizing your own indecision, your own inaction on an intention, you're experiencing existential anguish. You're caught between the future (your ought or ideal self as a result of the action) and the present which is not this future. This is an empty feeling. Existentialist writers say that in anguish we feel like we no longer exist. Our lives fall into the empty space between the anticipation and action.

[...] In this space also lies our anguish of self defeat, of inaction, indecision, of not getting on with life itself.

[...]

..."being in spite of," for example, courage in spite of anxiety, courage in spite of not feeling like it. In fact, Tillich believed that the courage we really need is the courage to persist and continue in the face of feelings of guilt of meaninglessness.

For chronic procrastination that stems from a deep sense of meaninglessness in life, "being in spite of" defines the existentialist's "therapy." In spite of feeling overwhelmed by the task at hand, in spite of not feeling like doing it, in spite of fearing failure, in spite of seeing little value in a necessary task, the answer is courage to persist and continue. This choice will define you, just as the choice not to persist, to needlessly delay has already defined you through procrastination.

Of course, the choice is yours.

The article (http://www.psycholog...procrastination) is about procrastination, but it seems to me it might be relevant for you, too (?). (It might seem quite dreary, but... I think there is some "light" to be seen... (?))

I'm sorry I can't offer more, at least not now. I'm at least thinking of you...

[Endlessnight]

Recognizing your own indecision, your own inaction on an intention, you're experiencing existential anguish. You're caught between the future (your ought or ideal self as a result of the action) and the present which is not this future. This is an empty feeling. Existentialist writers say that in anguish we feel like we no longer exist. Our lives fall into the empty space between the anticipation and action.

[...] In this space also lies our anguish of self defeat, of inaction, indecision, of not getting on with life itself.

It very much has relevance to me too, as this describes what I am - a champion procrastinator. I wish I could push on 'in spite of', but I don't have the will. Forcing myself to do something would be a waste of energy as I know I won't complete the task or action. Also because it seems futile to me. There is nothing I can achieve that will change my life, no action that will give me what I want or change my past. There isn't really anything I want at all honestly, other than to not live any more.

[LaLa]

I see... I struggle with procrastination myself and this text, although it appeared so promising, hasn't helped me in the end. It was probably naive to think it could help you...

When I think of your life, it seems to me you could find "a meaning of not dying right now" in an effort to give your life a better ending (better than it would be now), to give to yourself, finally, "something positive", to bring yourself some peace of mind, some pleasant experiences (as was, for instance, the feeling of the wind in your hair once in an evening or receiving the flowers and other expressions of gratitude from your students). I'd say there's not very much you could loose now, which can also be an advantage (it's sometimes said that the one who has a lot also has to worry a lot because of having so much to loose). You don't have big plans that could intimidate you, frighten you by the anticipation of failure, but you can do some little things for yourself (including doing some little things for others - that can be rewarding); that could be your challenge. I know it can be quite hard, too . But I believe it is feasible even with depression; not anytime, but sometimes at least. Can you think of some things that you could do which would make you feel fine at least for a while?

[LaLa]

And... what about this approach?

http://www.phoenix5.org/books/Frankl/FranklStrength.html

[IrmaJean]

M, it does sound as though you are very depressed. Is therapy an option there at all? Maybe switching your medications might help too? From my understanding, it can take some trial and error to find the one that works best.

Your friends are here and we care. (((((( M )))))))

[Endlessnight]

(as was, for instance, the feeling of the wind in your hair once in an evening or receiving the flowers and other expressions of gratitude from your students

Those were nice things, Lala, but they are few and far between. I know that the timings in Ramadan probably have something to do with the way I am feeling now - though I'm still taking my meds, my body is all messed up. We eat at 7:15pm.

Beth, I wish therapy were an option but I think I've mentioned before that it's too expensive for me to afford. I went to the pdoc just a week ago and he increased the meds dosage. Do you think talking to him over the phone might help? I'm afraid he might just tell me to increase the dose even more.

[LaLa]

I know those feeling were rare, but the point would be to try to make them less rare... Not all of them depend (also) on others (like the one that occurred thanks to your students (but also thanks to yourself, as you've been a good teacher!!)).

I hope the p-doc wouldn't just suggest to increase the dosage if you called him. He increased it only not long ago, he probably shouldn't do it again; you need some time to see the effects (good or bad, or both). I have no idea if he's willing "just to talk" for a while, but that would be nice. I suppose you (in SA) don't have some hotline (as suicide hotline, for instance) where you could talk about psychological troubles (??). If not, then perhaps at least p-docs might do this service (for free) to their patients in moments of crisis. It probably depends on the particular person how he would manage such phone-call. Perhaps you could try (??). I don't say this is "like therapy", but it may help in some difficult moments. (Although I know from my experience that those moments most often come in times (as late at night) when it would be impossible to make a phone-call ...)

I remember it well that therapy isn't an option. (Yet, as far as I know, you haven't tried to find out if at least some on-line therapies (they exist in English and your location doesn't matter as it happens via Skype) aren't cheap enough. I don't suppose they are, though , but perhaps it's worth to find out.) But... in therapy, although the therapist is very important, most of "the work" is done by the patient. So I hope that there are some things you could do even without a therapist. I know we cannot give you such a strong emotional support (as it's not "in person") and such deep insights, but perhaps our support might be helpful.

Ramadan is quite long and particularly difficult, as you say. But when you take it one day at a time, then it's always just one day you have to cope with.

Do you sleep most of the day (/ after the morning meal), as you did the previous year? And when you're awake, what do you usually do? Do you participate on the preparation of meals (if yes, do you like it)?

Can you imagine some little things that you could do and that you can enjoy in times when you're not numb and/or depressed? Perhaps incorporating some of such activities, even little things, to your every-day life could make a small difference. Sometimes you cannot enjoy them fully because of your low mood, but sometimes they may be pleasant (?).

Take care!

[LaLa]

I'm here with some ideas, for a while before going to bed.

I've listened to this today and... perhaps some ideas, mainly in the end (although it's mainly about people with dementia!), could be interesting to you:

http://www.cbc.ca/id...-by-the-book-1/

Then it also occurred to me: Could you listen to something playing on/at (?) your computer in headphones while lying on a bed? Do you usually have good internet signal and is your limit for downloads big enough? If yes, then you could perhaps sometimes listen to some interesting programs on radios world-wide, while just relaxing on your bed. (It's much easier then reading books - I remember you mentioned it's often too hard for you to read when you're depressed.) (Or perhaps also watch some documentaries / movies - there's a lot of them on the web now... And it can be good when, for instance, you need to re-focus your mind or even get engaged in something interesting or even also pleasant, ... There are so many interesting things, ideas, ... we don't know about! Documentaries can be fascinating (at least I enjoy them almost every day in the radio!)

In this episode (=the link posted), this quote was also mentioned (here it's in bigger letters) - and it made me think of you. Perhaps one of the things you could use your "left" time here for is also finding a new, more positive view of your life. I know it may seem impossible, but... psychologists say there are people who can do it (even when their life was very hard) and it helps them. (You might hear about it also in that program/episode above.)

And searching for this quote, I've found also this, for instance :

And... perhaps you might be interested in this website, mentioned there as related to that episode:

http://writingdownouryears.ca

I have to go now... (I hope my ideas don't make you even more sad ...)

[LaLa]

How are you doing, M.?

[Endlessnight]

Hello Lala. I hope you and everyone here knows that though none of you are therapists, your comments and advice do help me.

I didn't call the pdoc again. I have the return visit in a week. I have already cut down on one kind of med. He told me to take 100mg x2 daily, but I'm only taking 50mg x 2 daily even though I know I should follow the pdoc's instructions. I don't know why I do this - it's like I am sabotaging myself. Is that possible?

. When I go to him I'm going to ask if I can gradually stop taking my meds. I want to know what it will feel like to not take them anymore. I was wondering if I might be better able to cope now than I was when I first started taking them. I've been thinking that maybe some of my health problems could be due to the amount of meds I am taking. Anyway, I am going to ask him and see what he says. By the way, the pdoc does ask me how I am doing when I see him, and I usually say not good, since that's the only time I do visit him, but other than asking me a couple of general questions, and telling me to go out as much as I can, that's about it.

I sleep until 1:30pm every day, and I would sleep until 4:00pm only I get up to see if my sister-in-law wants my help with anything, even though every day I ask her, and every day she rejects my offer of help. I know she and I have a past, but I have been trying for a long time, to make things better between us, but she wants nothing to do with me. Still, though she rejects my offers of helping her with the cooking (it's a huge amount of cooking in Ramadan) I wash dishes and clean up in the kitchen as much as I can. I know if I ask her if I should do it she will say no so I just do it, like cleaning the cooker, etc. Sometimes I do feel hurt though.

P.S.

I remember now why, in the past, I halved the dose the doctor recommended I take. It seem that every other week I have to buy a new packet, and as you probably know, these kind of meds are expensive.

[Endlessnight]

I slept at 7:30Am and got up at 3:00pm. I ate yesterday at 11:00pm and I haven't eaten anything since then. it's 6:30pm here now. I didn't want to get up, didn't want/don't want - to leave my room. I want to escape from all this. I feel like I'm going crazy and need to get away from everything. I do out for Iftar to relatives every four or five days, but it's just going from one house to another. I want to escape, not just from this life but from myself. Why does this happen to me every Ramadan? Why can't I handle it like every one else does?

Edit: It's 7:00 and I am shaking because I didn't eat anything. I usually eat a small piece of bread before I take my meds but today because I got up so late, I didn't. I took them with water only. So I'm shaking.

[IrmaJean]

I hope you're okay, M.

[Endlessnight]

Beth I'm so sorry for my constant whinging. My excuse is I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't get it out.

[IrmaJean]

I don't think you're whining, M. I need to express myself a lot too, so I can relate to that need. We're here listening.

[LaLa]

I would welcome if you expressed yourself here even much more, M.. I don't reply each time, but I do listen and care, too...

(((M)))

[Endlessnight]

I am going stir crazy. I want to get out out out. As I said, I do go out for breakfast to relatives now and again but it's just replacing one set of four walls for another. I want OUT. This heat isn't helping any. It's been 40+ since the beginning of ramadan and the humidity is terrible. It's draining me of life and energy.

[Endlessnight]

I WANT TO LET GO WHY CAN'T I DIE?

[LaLa]

I hear you, M. .

The temperatures and humidity are terrible and your wish to go out is so very natural and understandable! Isn't there really any means for you to go out secretly? Would it be too dangerous? (And when you go to the doctor, you also have to go with an accompanying man? Because if not, then you might pretend to go to see a doc and just go there, without meeting him, just for at least some walk.)

Would you describe here what this "going out" means to you? What precisely would you enjoy being out? What feelings would you escape from?

(Then; is there any way to achieve at least some of these feelings and liberations also inside? )

Some freshness to your hot room :