So sorry

[soregretful]

I just want to be happy again. Remembering what I did. Will never seem to go away.I am just having a hard time enjoying life. I think I have ruined ever being genuinely happy ever again. I can fake a smile, but I don't think I will ever hape true happiness again. I looked in in the mirror today and literally got sick. I just want the hurt to go away. I would fly you guys to help me if I thought it would help. Evryone says happiness starts with me, but it looks like it ended with me too. I hate who I was, but I find it hard to forgive who I am.

[soregretful]

Class had a blast today. I know I created that, but I just need to find a way to be happy. I want it to melt away. Does it or am I stuck this way forever? I am trying hard to enjoy life, but it is like I am behind clouds.

[Musicman]

Class had a blast today. I know I created that, but I just need to find a way to be happy. I want it to melt away. Does it or am I stuck this way forever? I am trying hard to enjoy life, but it is like I am behind clouds.

Maybe you can take joy in the fact that you were responsible for making a lot of kids happy. Take pride in the fact that you're making the world a better place.

[Sissagwaad]

What were you doing, that fascilitated what happened in class?

How were you focused, and feeling, about how the class responded to your gifts? Wasn't this a clear enough example for you, that you indeed can be happy, being and in the moment?

What afterwards are you doing different, when you change your focus?

No, how well it went in class didn't change the past. But whether you embrace it or not you do have the freedom to change, or not change, how you picture and judge yourself, forgivingly, or not. d(emotional experiences follow in suit) Are you afraid forgiveness means condoning? Are you perhaps afraid to cut yourself slack for fear you'll step in the same puddles, mindlessly? Do you really believe you have to scare yourself silly in order to walk a straight path?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Guys,

We need to move this important discussion to another forum because this one is for newbies.

Sissagwad, wow, I think you are right on target.

Allan

[soregretful]

Guys, I am so scared of living! After taking 12 melatonin, I woke up and threw up twice. I was in a cold sweat. I could cut myself some slack if I thought that what I did in any way was "normal". I think most people probably don't do this, and I am not sure why I did! I don't want to live like this every day. I am so scared.

[IrmaJean]

Regretful, take a deep breath. Close your eyes and try to imagine yourself in a very relaxing and serene place. Your anxiety in this and intrusive worrying thoughts could be the challenge here with you. Your anxiety is in control right now. Can you think of a way to calm yourself? You haven't done anything harmful. Try reframing your thoughts and consider going for help. Engage in other activities. I'm concerned about your level of distress.

[soregretful]

I don't know if I can live this down. I can't imaging being a little 80 year old man saying I looked at what I did and did what I did. Heck, I can't imagine that next week! Oh, I hate myself for what I did!!:eek:

[Sissagwaad]

I don't know if I can live this down.

I can't imaging being a little 80 year old man saying I looked at what I did and did what I did.

Heck, I can't imagine that next week!

Oh, I hate myself for what I did!!:eek:

Hello???? look at what you are choosing to focus yourself on.

Look at the quality of the thoughts you are keeping closest.

Every choice we make, is reason based.

If we look at ourselves closer, sometimes we'll discover our roboticisms.

(as well as how we are the ones imprisoning ourselves with either a loving sense of ourselves, or a fearful, frightened experience)

First, do you believe you are a mindless robot?

If not, ---Which are you wanting?

If it is the first, rather than the 2nd,

How is thinking, repeating to yourself, and writing, useful?

"I don't know," "I cant," "I can't", "I hate myself, etc etc"

This is YOUR business. No one else knows what it is like to walk in your shoes because it is you that puts shoes on yourself. You are the only one in charge of you. Consult with professionals, but do not look to others to tell you what to do, for you yourself are your own best expert.

Your equipment seems to be working well. All you have to do is choose to be a more discerning manager. "Learn to choose to be more discerning as to the quality of ideas you put on yourself, like shoes, and how it feels to 'wear' the ideas one plays with" Look to learn how to love, vs the absence, which invariably turns out to be some variation of fear.....its absence. bw, hugs

[soregretful]

Spent tonight with girlfriend. If she knew what I had done.....I so badly just want a normal life again....even if it is alone.if I can't love myself. How should I expect someone else to.

[Sissagwaad]

Spent tonight with girlfriend. If she knew what I had done.....I so badly just want a normal life again....even if it is alone.if I can't love myself. How should I expect someone else to.

These are not simple questions you are giving yourself.

These are loaded with judgement, and, as a result present a challange for yourself to find any answer or solution to, because of your seeming compulsion to punish and condemn yourself.

What would happen, or would it mean, if you were to love yourself?

[Sissagwaad]

on the other part of your sharings 'spent tonite with girlfriend' How was that?

[Sissagwaad]

How long have you two been relating with each other, and how has walking with each other been?

[soregretful]

I have been with her for about 5 months. It is the first serious relationship I have been in. Like I said, I was nervous at the beginning, but stumbled through. Once I got relaxed, this kicked my butt, like 10 dates in. I don't know what happened. I know I love her. If I hadn't made such an error in judgment in my earlier life, I would probably have taken the next step in the relationship by now. I am just nervous because one therapist gave me some discouraging advice and labeled what I did as child porn. I never wanted to see a kid get hurt or hurt one myself. He told me to control my urges at work. I broke down angry....I have no urge to hurt my students, nor will I ever. I really think seeing him sent me a few steps back. On the positive side, I had the best sleep I have had in a long time with NO DRUGS of any kind. Not even a melatonin, as opposed to the 12 I took just 2 nights ago. I am trying so hard to find a way through this. I wake up shaking every morning, but at least I was able to get to sleep. Scared! I haven't broken any laws, but I feel like I have. This was a boneheaded mistake and I didn't realize how it would affect me. Before, this just seemed to dissolve, but now it is back full time with a vengance. That is what is making daily living so hard.

[soregretful]

And of course being a teacher makes me want parenthood so much. I just can't see my events fitting with that right now, if ever. Loving myself right now would mean the world to me, but it just seems so hard to. I am faking a lot of happiness so the outside world doesn't know how tormeneted I am. It was not easy at first, and one night my colleagues had to take me to a hospital because they thought I was suicidal and would not take no for an answer. I have tried not to let it show so much. I work with some fantastic people who love me to death, as do the 9 sets of parents that already have requested me for next year. But to love myself, it seems almost impossible. Having this black spot on my record seems too hard for me to do. I just can't seem to write this off as a mistake, though that is what my current pscyhotherapist is telling me to do to make the obsessions vanish. Like you said, had I known at the time that this would make me lose all self-value, I never would have done it. Not sure what to do next. Not one person was hurt in all of this except me. That is why it is hard for me to love myself, because I abused myself when I should have been better to me.

[Sissagwaad]

And of course... want parenthood so much. I just can't see my events fitting with that right now, if ever. Loving myself right now would mean the world to me, but it just seems so hard to.

I work with some fantastic people who love me to death, as do the 9 sets of parents that already have requested me for next year. (Wow, what support!!)

But to love myself, it seems almost impossible.

(naturally, looking at) Having this black spot on my record seems too hard for me to do.

I just can't seem to write this off as a mistake, though that is what my current pscyhotherapist is telling me to do to make the obsessions vanish.

Like you said, "had I known" at the time that this would 'make me lose' all self-value, I never would have done it. (but you didn't, so?? knowing this NOW, are you not more empowered to avoid that puddle in the future?)

Not sure what to do next.

(What do you WANT to do next? really, truly)

Not one person was hurt in all of this except me.

That is why it is hard for me to love myself, because I abused myself when I should have been better to me.

(how could you have should have known something you didn't yet have an educational experience, and learn something valuable?)

And so???was there any benefit? Don't you know something now, about what you don't want to do, and won't do? Wasn't it educational, of value?

What would happen, if you chose to love yourself, now that you've been to this school of experience, and graduated.

Take what you imagine this so called therapist you consulted with a grain of salt. Sharing his/her fear issues had nothing to do with you.

He/she, is not the best expert on you. You are.

[soregretful]

I just want to have some security in the fact that one day I will not have to force happiness again. The last 4 months have been a painful blur. There were some losses that I suffered right before this that my therapist says may have manifested itself in this obsession and that I am thinking about this so I can avoid dealing with the feelings of those losses. I was also kind of pressured once the relationship started. On my FIRST date, sweetest day, a friend said that I should get a sweetest day gift. I thought that it was a little odd, but went ahead with it. Also, they asked me after every date if I had kissed her.....I still haven't and now I am even more hesitant to do so. Then, like one month later, this all creeps up and kills me. Truly, I want to just feel genuine happiness again, not fake it with these issues piled on top of it. My girlfriend said early in the relationship that she wanted children, and of course I would too, but that other "therapist" said I have like a 5% chance of that ever happening. Because of my guilt, he said I would probably have a hard time conceiving a child and even posed scenarios like if you had to have sex today with her, could you do it? I thought that was hurtful and in his own way, he was judging me.

[Sissagwaad]

I just want to have some security in the fact that one day I will not have to force happiness again. The last 4 months have been a painful blur. There were some losses that I suffered right before this that my therapist says may have manifested itself in this obsession and that I am thinking about this so I can avoid dealing with the feelings of those losses. (ummm why avoid anything? why not simply focus on what you want, vs not-want?)

I was also kind of pressured once the relationship started. On my FIRST date, sweetest day, a friend said that I should get a sweetest day gift. I thought that it was a little odd, but went ahead with it. Also, they asked me after every date if I had kissed her.....I still haven't and now I am even more hesitant to do so. Sounds like you tend towards listening and going by what others think, rather than looking for and embracing your own thoughs, wants

Then, like one month later, this all creeps up and kills me. All what? all i hear/see are thoughts, thinking that confuse and result in an experience of distress, worry fear

Truly, I want to just feel genuine happiness again, not fake it with these issues piled on top of it. My girlfriend said early in the relationship that she wanted children, and of course I would too, but that other "therapist" said I have like a 5% chance of that ever happening. Because of my guilt, he said I would probably have a hard time conceiving a child and even posed scenarios like if you had to have sex today with her, could you do it?chuckle/smile, whether i could or would?? how come you believe you have to know this, vs listening to yourself?

I thought that was hurtful and in his own way, he was judging me.

Absolutely ineffective therapy. He was operating on his own adjenda, not at all open to fascilitating you discovering your own thoughts, beliefs, and becoming accepting and enjoying your ongoing education/life.

Carry on awesome student of life that you are, hugs,

[soregretful]

Here's an honest question that might help me...what would anyone do if you were in my situation? I can't find happiness in anything anymore.

[Sissagwaad]

Here's an honest question that might help me...what would anyone do if you were in my situation? I can't find happiness in anything anymore.

is there such a thing as a dishonest question?

You're not getting the message, about learning to "listen to yourself," as being your own best expert, and learning you choose for you, how you experience anything/everything my friend.

What I, or anyone else would do under similar conditions, they do for their reasons and beliefs.

Why not content/focus yourself towards keeping yourself, and the emotions you are experiencing, more simplified?

Keep it simple and it will be simple. Look for excuses, and you will surely find them. I would suggest journalling as a way to distance yourself, to look at yourself more objectively, towards learning to focus yourself only on "how you want to experience" your moments, (instead of fearful, non-trusting thoughts you are keeping yourself distracted by.)

Some also find support in practicing learning to believe and feel they are not alone, but perpetually in partnership with whatever one might believe in as their higher power, or conscience, supporting one in the choice of thoughts underpinning the emotional sensations they invoke.

[soregretful]

my head just fells eternally poisoned....when I am even with my loved ones I even feel like I have ruined my life. Is there a way out?

[Sissagwaad]

my head just fells eternally poisoned....when I am even with my loved ones I even feel like I have ruined my life. Is there a way out?

Someone once said about that, 'The only way out is in'

What do you suppose that means my friend?

One of the simplest ways to 'feel good,'

'if' that is what you are wanting,

is to play at practicing, purposely focusing oneself on things,

anything, one can be grateful for.

Practice playing with this,

no one else knows what you are doing,

or thinking when you 'play this game.'

There is an amazing quality about our brains, and how it serves us.

When kept busy with a particular line of thinking,

it cannot deal with other notions.

If we're busy valuing and being grateful,

it is impossible for ones brain to send opposing-instructions

to the body to experience.

Enjoy emotionally hugging yourself, and the wisdom of Gratitude.

[soregretful]

i absolutely want to feel better....no doubt. I slept well the same night I hung out with my girfriend.....coincidence? If this is all obsession, how do you shove this to the side? I don't want anyone to get hurt. Like I said, this happened after things started going well.

[Sissagwaad]

Obsession? What obsession?

Only obsession that could be recognized as such, is the current one of thinking/believing it is useful, or necessary to 'beat yourself up.'

Again, it might help to explore what beliefs you are holding

which are supporting your obsessive thinking patterns.

I'm thinking you might discover you are 'holding on,'

because of some irrational fear or apprehension you might be harboring, about letting go of this.

Its all about beliefs. You alone decide whether to fear or to trust yourself.

Practice and learn to embrace living in day-tight compartments, going to bed, counting your blessings, and finding contentment in anything and all things you've accomplished with your day. nite-nite

[soregretful]

Guilt is just too much right now. I hate this.