soregretful Posted April 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 22, 2011 Sis, I don't know how to stop beating myself up. The belief I hold is that what I did was horrible. That is why I am punishing myself...it is like a self-conditioned response. I wish that my girlfriend hadn't gotten trapped in this...she is way too good for me. I do love her, and it would take a miracle for me to feel worthy of her and to have a family with her. Leo, I am a good teacher, but I just don't get any joy out of it, much like the rest of my life. I just feel like I threw a good thing away and no matter what I have to pull it out of the trash with some permanent marks on it. I realize that no one is perfect, but this is just far beyond the scope of what I imagined would happen to me. This isn't something that will just go away, I will have to live with it the rest of my life, and that makes me sad. God knows I would never want to hurt a kid. Kids literally are my life. So, why then, would I have used their images like I did. I just can't believe this! I am about 99 percent amazing, but this 1 percent evil makes me hate myself so much. All the therapists say with the right mindset this will just vanish, so to speak, but I am not sure how. One therapist told me I should try to go out with a guy...the same one that said I had a 5% chance of having a normal life. I am all for beating odds, but living the way I currently do is just too hard. I never thought this would be me. To even be associated with the word pedophile makes me sick to my stomach. I stopped a while ago, but our ghosts always find us again. I hate who I was, and who I am now is so much a part of that jerk. I want to get rid of him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted April 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 22, 2011 I just want the guilt I feel to go away one day to the point where I feel like I can be happy. I am not sure how. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted April 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 22, 2011 I said once before that having kids wouldn't make me happy. You look in a child's eyes and they look like you? That would probably erase everything, or damn close to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted April 22, 2011 Report Share Posted April 22, 2011 Sr, it sounds as though you've had some less than wonderful therapists...Have you ever heard of catastrophizing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted April 22, 2011 Report Share Posted April 22, 2011 I don't think I need to point out that this topic has been going in circles since its creation. You aren't letting yourself get better. You have never harmed a person, and that's what matters. At least come to terms with the fact that whatever children were "victimized" never knew it happened in the first place.Whichever therapist suggested you had a 5% chance of living a normal life AND that you should date men is an idiot. If you are currently seeing him, stop immediately and find another. I would also recommend you ask your therapist (assuming it's not the aforementioned one) about antidepressants. I get the feeling that you are suffering from depression and nothing more. Finally, I'd recommend group therapy. In reality, these forums are long distance, slow response group therapy. From what I understand, we have helped you out better than your therapists. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted April 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 22, 2011 Irms,YES!! My current therapist mentioned that exact word. Can't remember exactly what it means though. All I know is that I did something I regret and I am sorry and have apologized to God and want to be happy, but happiness even just faked anymore. What exactly does it mean again? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted April 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 22, 2011 I just like to have therapy between therapy, MM. I know what I want in life, but I just feel so undeserving of it. Can you imagine me by some miracle becoming a father and saying one day to my son, I used to please myself with kids that looked like you? It just doesn't make any sense!!!!! The bitch of it all is that I have always wanted this, so why did I do something to jeopardize it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted April 22, 2011 Report Share Posted April 22, 2011 I'll give you an example of my own. I tend to need extra reassurance and response when I start new friendships of any kind. Sometimes I can get caught up in "catastrophizing" when my mind "leaps" to the worst possible scenario to the exclusion of other possibilities. Case scenario: I write to or phone a friend and they don't write or call back right away. In my mind, I begin to wonder what I've done wrong and then, in record time, I am 100% certain that this friend is gone for good. No response= friend gone. I must have done something terribly wrong etc.etc. What is wrong with me? I'm a horrible friend. I'm a horrible person. I'm poison. Blah Blah. Blah. In this, you are drawing conclusions that aren't realistic and don't match the circumstances. The mind can take off with these types of things sometimes, especially when you already have a tendency to obsess/worry about things (me too). I'm sure there is a better and more clinical explanation for this, but hopefully this gives you an idea of what might be happening.I wonder if perhaps, in your mind, you have already made a decision about this, and are now looking for the pieces to "fit" with what you've already decided is the truth. Maybe right now is the time to stop and challenge the thought/belief. Or, as MM mentioned, you might find your thoughts/fears going round and round...What do you think about letting this go? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted April 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 22, 2011 Irms,HOW? How do you let it go? You sound like my therapist when he says challenge things. That is the thing, though....I do not even feel worthy. That is why I looked to here between appointments. This girl is like the best thing that ever happened to me and she would make a wonderful mother. I feel like she deserves better than me. It stinks because she had the normal me when we first started going out. I don't know what happened. How, as MM says, do you let yourself get better? I know I never hurt anyone but myself and God knows I would never lay a hand on a child in a sexual way! I love children and if I were blessed with kids, which I don't feel deserving of, I would be an amazing father. That is what people at my work said to her when we go out...he is a good catch, he would be a good father, etc. If I knew how to let it go, I could be much happier because its exodus from my mind would me much more prompt, I'm sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted April 22, 2011 Report Share Posted April 22, 2011 One thought I had, 'so', was to ask you what purpose do you think guilt serves?That's not meant sarcastically. For instance, some people see guilt as a way to keep themselves from doing something that's wrong, or from doing it again. In that case, though, an honest assessment shows that you're not likely to repeat what you did, even without the guilt. Some might see it as a punishment, but then it ought to fit the crime. This is out of all proportion to what actually happened.And so on. Thinking about how you feel about guilt in general might give you some idea about why this has such a grip on you, now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted April 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 22, 2011 Malign,The guilt isn't to keep me from doing it again, because believe me, it was long over. I am just so upset that it even happened at all. That is why I feel guilty. I can't believe I have to go through my whole life with this in me. I don't want to feel bad, I just do. I want my own family so bad, and I am not afraid of it anymore, but just feel totally undeserving. The guilt is a result of me doing something so stupid and here I am right at the finish line of happiness, and the guilt says to me nice try, but you ran off course and I am not going to let you finish. I have to live with this thought every day! How is it supposed to go away? Will there be a day when I don't feel this bad about what I did? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted April 22, 2011 Report Share Posted April 22, 2011 I just like to have therapy between therapy, MM. I know what I want in life, but I just feel so undeserving of it. Can you imagine me by some miracle becoming a father and saying one day to my son, I used to please myself with kids that looked like you? It just doesn't make any sense!!!!! The bitch of it all is that I have always wanted this, so why did I do something to jeopardize it?Yesterday, I told you my biggest fantasy. Today, I'll tell you my biggest dream (what I expect and hope will happen.) I want to drop my pedophile ways (just like you have already) and raise children. It's as simple as that. There is no need to tell my child about this section of my life, nor is there any need for you to tell your child. We can use these (painful) experiences to make sure that our children don't fall into the same trap.It wouldn't take a miracle for you to become a father. All it would take is for you is to gradually let go of your past. As I mentioned in my own thread, I am struggling with pedophilia, myself. My most recent attempt to give it up failed, but during the month that I was "clean," I was all around happier. I slept better, my anxiety level shot down, and my grades improved. I'm an idiot for having given that all up for a few seconds of pleasure a day. I'm still working up the courage to make another attempt, but I'm sure that with each attempt, I'll get further.At the very least, take joy in the fact that you DIDN'T fall into the trap. You got out before CP ever made its entrance. I wasn't quite so lucky.I am not generally a happy person, but during my "clean" phase, I was happy. What I don't understand is how someone like me (who has done far worse than you) can immediately start to feel happy after giving up pedophilia, but someone like you (who never quite was a pedophile to begin with) can never come to terms with himself.You are looking at yourself the way that society looks at pedophiles, and that is wrong. People assume that we (the two of us) are monsters looking to "attack our prey." The truth is that not only have the two of us never harmed children, we also know that it is entirely wrong to do so, and would like nothing more than to help them. In your case, you gave up "pedophilia," and in my case, I am looking to give it up. For that, society should praise us, or at the very least, help us out. What I am slowly starting to discover is that somewhere along the way, I mixed up adoring children and wanting to have sex with them. You did the same, but got out of the trap. There is NO reason that you should still be upset with yourself. You gave up your past, but have not started the next chapter of your life. Only once you start the next chapter, can you begin to gain happiness. It doesn't work the other way around. You cannot gain happiness before beginning the next chapter.I know that a lot of this post seems self-centered, but I've only talked about my own experiences because of the connection I believe the two of us share. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted April 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 22, 2011 I don't know mm....I just feel terrible. I never wanted to have sex with a kid. I never have had any urge to do so. This was something that just came up from my past. I am just ashamed. And hate the timing. I don't know how to live with myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted April 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 22, 2011 How do you let go of the past mm? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted April 22, 2011 Report Share Posted April 22, 2011 How do you let go of the past mm?The only way to let go of the past is to start a new future. This may sound difficult, but it is the only way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted April 22, 2011 Report Share Posted April 22, 2011 Maybe the way to "live with yourself" will be similar to how you lived with yourself before this memory "came up" again. You were the same person then as you are now.As for happiness having a "finish line", I don't see it that way. It's not a reward for a race well run; it's not something that's withheld until you prove something.I would suggest that any thought process that proceeds largely using rhetorical questions ("How can I live with this?") is probably trying to hide something from you behind an emotional reaction. It's the sort of thing that a manipulative person might use to fight dirty; I'm reminded of the question "how could you be so stupid?", which may be one of the world's oldest unanswerable questions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted April 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 22, 2011 I feel too guilty to starta new future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted April 22, 2011 Report Share Posted April 22, 2011 HOW? How do you let it go? Ask yourself what is painful in this. What are you fearing? Are the feelings rational? When you relax your body, you are letting go in a physical sense. Try relaxing your mind, letting the anxieties go, letting yourself simply "be" right now. It's challenging, but it can be done. How' date=' as MM says, do you let yourself get better?[/quote'] By not punishing yourself, by loosening the grip this fear has over you, by opening your mind up to other possibilities, by forgiving yourself and moving forward.. I love children and if I were blessed with kids' date=' which I don't feel deserving of, I would be an amazing father.[/quote'] You say yourself that you would be an amazing father. Why deny yourself this? In your heart, you know who you are. Malign brings up a good question. What purpose does this serve? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted April 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 22, 2011 I just don't know how to forgive myself I guess. Even when I am with her, I feel like such a jerk. I can't escape my thoughts. Are they going to kick my butt every day? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted April 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 23, 2011 The other thing I can't figure out is why this didn't bother me before. Thishas me so puzzled. I used to even be like this isn't right. But now it bothers the heck out of me. It was never about a desire to do anything to a child. I just don't get it. I know where I want to be but it seems unattainable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted April 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 23, 2011 I don't think I have the strength to endure this without some type of relief soon. If everyone thinks I can overcone this or that it will phase itself out. How long will it take? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sissagwaad Posted April 23, 2011 Report Share Posted April 23, 2011 The other thing I can't figure out is why this didn't bother me before. Thishas me so puzzled. I used to even be like this isn't right. But now it bothers the heck out of me. It was never about a desire to do anything to a child. I just don't get it. I know where I want to be but it seems unattainable.perhaps it 'seems' that way for a reason, a simple reason. Has it maybe become 'comfortable' to just 'stick' with a belief, beliefs, that 'seemed' to fit, made sense earlier on?maybe if we don't dare to challange our beliefs, about 'how we should be experiencing whatever, and focus on replacing with ones that authentically support you on the path you're truly wanting to experience. (nothing will change) Are you journalling your trip? Objectifying your 'judgements,' your beliefs?Simply its as if Every day we visit an amazing supermarket It's stocked with every imagenable item. (thoughts, beliefs,) to injest, to play with, to devour. The signs all over shout 'FREE' take what you like, return any time, open 24 hrs. What are you going to play with now?It is all about choice my friend. Are you going to choose to be a robot about the thoughts/beliefs you picked up along the way, which turned out to be rotten, or visit the superstore God provided you with and choose to change\?There are no wrong or right choices, only choices that result in this or that emotional experience. What are you going to choose today, Just for now, If you really notice, there is no past, and no future, only NOW.We can choose to fill it with past drama, recriminations of ourselves, others, worries about the future, never doing different, etc etc. OR we can simply DO, now, now. Filling it instead of things you can be grateful for.\Filling ones NOW, as a hands-on person, rather than a ROBOT, is the only issue. What do you want and choose, just for NOW?I guarantee you are limitless in your ability to choose. Learn to be a 'no excuse' person like Wayne Dyer writes of. Fear is simply a convenient excuse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted April 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 23, 2011 The thing is that my "now" is so crappy because of what I played with in the past. I have forgotten true happiness and like I have mentioned, though I know it is the past, it will always be tied to my ankle in the present, dragging me down. I can't ever outrun it, just pretend to be happy, like I am. It will never go away! Wish I hadn't done it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sissagwaad Posted April 23, 2011 Report Share Posted April 23, 2011 The thing is that my "now" is so crappy because of what I played with in the past. I have forgotten true happiness and like I have mentioned, though I know it is the past, it will always be tied to my ankle in the present, dragging me down. I can't ever outrun it, just pretend to be happy, like I am. It will never go away! Wish I hadn't done it.No, is that the 'package' you keep on buying at your store, like a mindless Robot? How's it feel? You can keep on doing that till the cows come home.It is OK, it is your "present," you keep on giving yourself. If you want to keep on, buying into excuses justifying your 'purchase' that's ok, its just you doing you, like a robot. There is no 'trying' either, that is just another convenient excuse my friend. 'Do, or not do,' whatever.\You haven't 'forgotten' anything about 'true happiness' (that's a little silly too, thinking about it, one is happy or one is not happy, choice, no false happiness. Pretend happiness, will work, believe me. Hypnosis proves the brain cannot distinguish between real and imagined, if it is ferverently and authentically believed, That is what you will experience. So, enjoy your 'shopping day,' every moment.....hugs bw Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sissagwaad Posted April 23, 2011 Report Share Posted April 23, 2011 Curious if you've explored the efficasy of this?http://products.mercola.com/meridian-tapping/It is a very simple but effectice way to acknowledge what one is doing to themselves, and works to fascilitate 'going on' just the same, and it provides a method of acknowledging, and going on to what one really wants Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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