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Blog OCDmom

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Scream

What is this, processing time? Can I just die right now? I don't want to go back there anymore. Things will never change. Yeah, I'm a whiner. Just kill me, will you? And put an end to all of this. I told the counselor that I trust his reasons and explanations, but I don't. I don't know if I will ever trust him again.

OCDmom

OCDmom

Back to Reality Soon

We went to counseling this morning. I didn't feel any kind of relief. We'll be scheduling our second session Saturday after next. My child and I will be coming back to our home soon. Not ready to leave yet... Told the counselor that I still love him, although I'm not sure anymore. One thing is certain, though. I don't want to leave because I'm afraid that he might commit suicide. And I'm afraid that I won't be able to stand on my own as a single parent.

OCDmom

OCDmom

Counseling

My husband and I had a fight last Friday and had tried to hurt himself by smashing the computer keyboard several times on his forehead. I'm staying over at my parents' now. Me and my child. We're planning to go on counseling together this coming Saturday. Maybe if we will go regularly we'll still be able to make things better. My mother and sister are all for it. But my father says that the marriage is beyond saving because of so many irreconcilable differences between us that go deep. The bad t

OCDmom

OCDmom

How Do I Know?

How do I know when my marriage is over? When the bad times are more than the good times? So I should note every one of them down... We agreed to go into counseling after we (or I) get a job. I don't know if I want to go into counseling anymore. Maybe I should leave now while my child is still young? I don't even know what that means...

OCDmom

OCDmom

A job

I have a job. I hope I pass the medical exam. I'm not really feeling any better because I still have a lot of worries. I guess I should be thankful, right?

OCDmom

OCDmom

No matter what I do

My husband didn't pass the pre-employment exam, but they allowed him to retake it, and now he has to wait 7 days to find out if he passed. I didn't pass the final interview, and I am now scheduled to be interviewed for another job in the same company this evening. But I've lost my hope. I can't be optimistic about this anymore...

OCDmom

OCDmom

Still pessimistic

My husband is now training right at home----for a home-based job. I hope he passes the online tests. Meanwhile, I'm still waiting to be called for interview at a call center. The work would be handling hotel reservations and a little bit of selling too. The work sounded simple enough, although I'm not sure if the pay would be worth it, given the distance of the call center from where I live. I'm still feeling anxious...

OCDmom

OCDmom

God?

If You're listening, please help me. I still have my doubts, but I still manage to pray, to You, to Mama Mary... It's the only thing that I can do. It's the only thing that I have, prayer... If it's Your will, please ease our burden a little. Me and hubby both feel helpless, because we don't have a job. We're both depressed. We're not in a good place right now. We're trying our best not to ask help from anyone, even if the urge is really strong. It's so easy to borrow money from family, but when

OCDmom

OCDmom

Praying

My husband was finally called, although he was informed that he will be scheduled for interview anyday within a month. No call yet for me. I'll probably give it a few more days before I start applying again at call centers (my last option). I try to make the most of my time, trying to clean the house and trying to be there for my girl. Dust has long overrun the place but I try to tackle one problem area at a time without getting too stressed out over it.

OCDmom

OCDmom

Don't want to expect too much

Hubby surprised me with applying for a job online. He says he should get a response from the company within 5 days to schedule his interview. I've also sent out three copies of my resume soon after he applied. But I hope and pray that he gets accepted for training. If all goes well, he'll be able to work from home.

OCDmom

OCDmom

Hahaha

Now hubby applied online for a non-voice acct. Says they'll get in touch with him in 5 days time. We'll see how this turns out. Of course he's expecting that I apply too. (I think I know what will happen next.) I tell him that we both need to go to counseling. He says that we need to find work first before we go into counseling. I think he's right. I don't trust him anymore.

OCDmom

OCDmom

What now?

What are my husband and I supposed to do now? FACTS: We don't have work. We're both non-degree holders. Our self-esteem is non-existent. We both have a family now. MORE FACTS: I'm depressed. He's hypertensive (and I think depressed too). Each believes the other is generally more capable of getting a job. WTF.

OCDmom

OCDmom

What now?

What are my husband and I supposed to do now? FACTS: We're both non-degree holders. Our self-esteem is non-existent. We both have a family now. MORE FACTS: I'm depressed. He's hypertensive (and I think depressed too). Each believes the other is generally more capable of getting a job. WTF.

OCDmom

OCDmom

Out

I'm out of the job. I didn't make it. What about hubby? What's he doing? Well, his tooth cap is falling off because the teeth it's anchored to are already eroding. I was supposed to put aside some money from my income to take out what's left of his upper teeth and replace them with dentures. If his teeth are fixed, then he can find work at a call center too. But the way things are going, I'll never get it done. He mentioned that some relatives are ready to loan him some money, but he doesn't wan

OCDmom

OCDmom

Waiting in agony

I just ended the first part of our transition stage last week. I'll know on Monday if I'm out of the job. I can't really say if I'll be happy to be out of that job or not. I'll try to forget about it first.

OCDmom

OCDmom

no control

I hate what's happening in my life. My husband doesn't understand me. My daughter is sick and I can't even get her to cooperate in drinking her liquids and her medicine. I just joined a new call center without thinking it through, and now I am already wishing I didn't, because a lot of people are saying that the work is very difficult. Plus, I was told that even though I have a fit-to-work clearance, I have to go through the hassle and spend money and repeat my urinalysis (a third time) and the

OCDmom

OCDmom

another job---another hell?

Finished the temp job just last New Year's Eve---I'm glad that's over and done with. But now I have just signed a contract with another call center without thinking it through and now I'm having anxiety attacks left and right, and I haven't even started work! But then again, that's what you get for making a spur of the moment decision just because you got turned down by a company that you really wanted. Even my husband is not able to help, because he's pissed off at me for not talking to him abo

OCDmom

OCDmom

wish

I finally landed a temp job. (Good thing I'm not pregnant, otherwise I'll be out of the job right now). It's another call center, with lots of young people around me (I feel old when I'm with them, especially when they call me "Mommy," which I hate.) We're under training right now. So far, everything looks so complicated. I'm scared that I won't be able to handle the job. It's another customer service job with lots of irate customers. I've listened to some sample calls from the other agents

OCDmom

OCDmom

A little good news

I'm not pregnant. At least I have less to worry about, right? Still, no feeling of consolation for me. Is that how life is?

OCDmom

OCDmom

Failure again

I don't want to explain anymore, because it's so hard. I just feel so awful inside. I feel like nothing I do would ever matter in my life or in my family's. Stopped my medication for a few months now. Maybe a bad idea. Maybe I have to take it again. Failure again, again, again. The people at the call center I've just been accepted in said they won't hire women who are already pregnant, and now I find that I'm delayed by a week or so. I can't stand it ....

OCDmom

OCDmom

Bullied

I landed another job at a call center. So far the training is not going so well for me. Not only is our trainer ineffective, she's intimidating and tactless whenever she criticizes us. And she even brings other people to the training room who's just as bad as she is. One of my co-trainees burst into tears yesterday because of them. Should I inform Human Resources? What if they find out?

OCDmom

OCDmom

Job Screening

Both me and my husband got a job interview tomorrow. I'll go to mine first, then he'll wait for me to go home before he go to his. Hopefully one of us will get a job and the other will stay at home with our daughter until she's old enough to be left with other people. That's the plan so far. I hope it'll work out. I'm feeling much better now that we got the call.

OCDmom

OCDmom

Worst Enemy----Myself

Cleaned the toilet tonight. I at least did that. Spilled my daughter's juice all over the tiled floor, then tried to wipe off the stickiness (I just wiped it 3 times). Left dirty dishes in the sink (I'm not going to stress over that one tonight 'cause I'm just waiting for my daughter to finish her bread so we can both go to bed 'cause I'm so damn sleepy). House still one big clutter. Well, there's always tomorrow.....

OCDmom

OCDmom

No Call

Nobody called. Good. I'm not ready to be employed yet. Maybe after I've decluttered and cleaned my entire house.

OCDmom

OCDmom

Work again?

I'm expecting a phone call for a job interview this week. I still don't know what I should do(or maybe I do), but if somebody will ask me, I'd rather stay at home and take care of my daughter. May I please have a sign?

OCDmom

OCDmom

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