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This is why I despise religion Part I

I received this message below, not once, but twice on the same day from 2 "holier than thou" family members in my email inbox a few days ago. Everytime I receive something like this I am more appreciative (now) I was not indoctrinated by any religion, but at the same time it's extremely frustrating to me. My spirituality has been an intense struggle through the years because of feeling like an outcast, a "sinner," inferior, unclean, "unrighteous," and also filled with many questions and paramou

FlowFreak

FlowFreak

"Shoulder to Shoulder"

Shoulder to Shoulder You will Always be For as Far as our Eyes can see Over the summits of mountains made of solid stone We walk across boulders Shoulder to Shoulder Soul to Soul

FlowFreak

FlowFreak

Raw

and I just can't do it on this blog, and a document sat minimized in my taskbar the entire weekend. Metaphorically, much longer than that. I never x'd the document out. It was still there in it's minimized form, and still with me even when I wasn't physically present. and it's Raw.

FlowFreak

FlowFreak

and "Johnny"

I couldn't help myself I adopted 2. His name is Johnny and he is 7 months old. I fell in love with his unique color I had seen once on a cat we were doing a lion cut on. Brown and white, but Johnny is solid Brown with very light colored stripes. He was just too gorgeous to leave. His eyes are green. Gussie is a sweetie, but she just cannot be still. When she is she is very face on with kisses and such. I can't get her until Apr 1st. She has to be spayed as part of the adoption agreement.

FlowFreak

FlowFreak

From Me I just wrote

I'm like a song that people listen to. All they hear is the music, the rhythms of the instruments, and they never hear the words. I can't speak them, or I struggle to break through the loud lull of silencing sounds. They come to me in the light moments in my sleep, while I'm driving, or they flood with such clarity, and I forget them all. And I just listen to not conform because I've already heard. I listen to both, and there's so much more meaning that I can't ever. I did once. That's h

FlowFreak

FlowFreak

"Gussy"

I'm gonna go see her today at the humane society. I saw her online and she had the cutest face. She's black and has long hair. I don't really like her name, but she might, so we will have to just see about that. Maybe it's just the spelling I need to change. And I don't want to see all those other animals, so maybe they can just bring her out for me to see. The thing is there are so many cute ones like Miss Madeline a white persian that is expecting babies with Demo who is a seal point Siam

FlowFreak

FlowFreak

Questions to Myself

That only I can answer. If I can even ask them. How is it all through my life I took care of and/or loved the people who hurt/damaged me, but yet when I am hurt/pained there never is no one who can offer the same to me when I so need it the most? But yet I can always love? Be there? Even through the rage? Why? Is it because of the intense pain/suffering I not only saw deep in the pleading eyes of animals that were abused, tortured, and killed, but I also heard and still hear the awful sounds of

FlowFreak

FlowFreak

Speaking to the Dead

Franklin, There's nothing to fear, but fear itself could be taken out of context in the throes of a thinking depressive/anxiety/CPTSD riddled brain, which is thinking from an "old" brain, so I will try to think from a "new" brain as you did on your "new" day and make "new" deals myself. Somehow. Flow.

FlowFreak

FlowFreak

Franklin Roosevelt

"....the only thing we have to fear is fear itself." FDR says this about fear in his inaugural address. He also says that fear is "nameless, unreasoning, and unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance."

FlowFreak

FlowFreak

"A" Relationship Vision

Harville Hendrix, an author of several books including "Getting the Love You Want" has an exercise to define what you need/want in a relationship. When I first started the exercise some things came easy, and some things did not. My first attempt was several months ago. Since, "My Relationship Vision" actually became a "vision." I didn't think to actually put it to paper until last week while driving and the visual images moved, and actually moved through my mind with a certain movement and feel.

FlowFreak

FlowFreak

NOT Feel!

is the decision I make from the last entry. Ever been bitten by a pissed off and frightened cat?! I cried it hurt so damn bad! If you ever are, which I so hope you never are....but if you are.....scrub with a stiff nail brush with antibacterial soap until it bleeds. That's after you have regained some composure from the bite. Afterwards...make a paste out of epsom salt. Soak bandage with wet paste of epsom salt. Place on bite, and wrap up with saran wrap and stretch tape guaze. Leave on all nigh

FlowFreak

FlowFreak

To Feel or Not to Feel..

...to see or not see. To taste or not taste. To smell or not smell. To hear or not hear...to be alive or dead...I don't know which is worse. Torture it seems either way, to see, to taste, to smell, to hear, to live.........Just STOP! ..and let it snow and let me feel, see, taste, smell, hear, and live that.

FlowFreak

FlowFreak

Insomnia defined:

fear of sleep; fear of being invaded by the body snatchers; "1 2 They're coming for you 3 4 better lock your door 5 6 better grab your crucifix 7 8 better stay awake 9 10 never sleep again"

FlowFreak

FlowFreak

Nightmares & Night Sweats **Possible Triggers**

The sweats left, but the nightmares have been with me all day. I've taken my meds, but I'm fighting the terror of sleep. I don't want to see again and all through the day again. I don't want to wake up wet and cold either. It's almost like a sick feeling or is. I must have fought and thrashed a lot. I have a heavy mattress and the sheets were completely untucked and were in a wad on the bed when I went to change and wash them. I hope I either killed him, or beat and tortured him to death and th

FlowFreak

FlowFreak

'Battlefield of Love'

I am a soldier A casualty of love I've been from heaven All the way to hell I've had a journey Much more than I can tell I've got stories Much more than I can sell All this mass confusion Causes chaos in my brain I'm on the battlefield of love With all of the illusions I won't ever be the same I'm on the battlefield The battlefield of love I'm a prisoner A prisoner of love I have been captured And kept underground I have been tortured But I don't make a sound 'Cause I know one day One day I will

FlowFreak

FlowFreak

There is...for now

I spent some time with my 18 yr old son and his girlfriend yesterday. We went to the beach. The wind was blowing as strong as it could straight out of the north, but we found a shark tooth as big as the palm of my hand. The palm of my hand is small, but that shark tooth was huge! The tide was washing in, and also washing in what the sand dredger was dredging, so there was lots to be found in the incessant north blows of the wind, with a very beautiful sunset.

FlowFreak

FlowFreak

"There has to be some way outta here..."

I wish. Family conflict has started this time even before I arrive. Usually doesn't happen this way. It happens after arrival at least once with my sister being the instigating biatch. I don't wanna walk on eggshells, but I already am, even before I get there. I'm exhausted. I'm stressed. Damn I'm tired. I don't even wanna have to worry with it. I've already been told on the phone I was "stupid" not once, but twice, and that really pisses me off, but I don't have the energy, nor do I want to was

FlowFreak

FlowFreak

The Crow and the Pitcher

"A very thirsty crow saw a pitcher. Hoping to find water, the crow flew to it with delight. When he reached it, he discovered that it contained only a little water. The water was so far down that he could not reach it. He tried everything he could think of to reach the water, but nothing worked. At last he collected as many stones as he could carry and used his beak to drop them one by one into the pitcher, until the water was high enough for him to drink."

FlowFreak

FlowFreak

Butterflies & Trains

This is revised from the spring of 1999. I've been looking at my walk through life as a whole-the life I have lived, or the state of life I have lived in, and I have been unable to find the words to describe my state of life lived. I revised this today with added descriptions. Why I thought of it today was unconscious and disconnected, but now grounded. I think I have been looking at the state of dissociation I have lived in, and in some ways continue to live in. Written 4/2/1999 Revised 12/16/2

FlowFreak

FlowFreak

Like a Willow

Sadness weeps. Like a Willow flows with tear drops of dew. Stings like ice feathers from the gray weary clouds Burns like a torch Orange, Red and Glows Raw. Pierces like a nail rusty, bent, and Needle hollow Moans like a squall Roars, Pours, with Heavy currents. Howls like a beast visciously, unmercifully, and Sudden gnaws Who Knows? Pain. But the Soul. Cries in anguish Silence. Like a Willow. agm

FlowFreak

FlowFreak

Be Grateful.

In another forum I write in, the topic was "Wal-Mart worker dies after shoppers knock him down." The copy of the article from New York stated he was 34 years old. He died from being trampled by a stampede of Black Friday shoppers. This is my response to the senselessness, and what it means to me to "do without." Never in my years have I ever had any desire to act stupid on Black Friday, and every year some stupid persons are hurt or hurt by stupid persons, and in this topic actually killed. Now

FlowFreak

FlowFreak

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