Sue, I've been really busy these last few days. Also, I was so used to Digger that it was weirder NOT seeing Digger. So naturally, once he came back, nothing seemed out of the ordinary

Well, I need to go to bed. Goodnight.

goodnight mm

im going to go ahead and go to bed too, night everyone

Hey inf . How you doing?

fine thanks mm, just trying to not freak out about all of this work that is piling up on me

You're not exactly on schedule, are you? Things seldom work out the way we want them to. I guess we've both kind of figured that out by now, haven't we ?

you can say that again well thankfully i have only got 50 more pages to go in my last book, then i can start the quote work the day after tomorrow and then hopefully get that done

I found out yesterday that I'm seeing both my psychologist and my psychiatrist tomorrow, so I'm going to see if I can have my meds raised.

The only issue I see with that, though, is that I was feeling pretty suicidal last Sunday, and also for a few minutes this morning. I don't know how my body would react to more meds. Furthermore, I CAN'T bring myself to tell my psychiatrist anything. He still doesn't know about my pedophilia. Not to mention the fact that my mother stays in the room for these sessions, as they're only about 10 minutes long. So, I don't want to tell him I've been feeling suicidal.

I'll be seeing my psychologist later in the day, and I do plan on telling him everything. I don't really know what's going to happen. I still don't exactly have a plan, but I did think about overdosing...

im sorry you are feeling this way mm

could you maybe ask your mom to sit out this 10 minute session?

thats a scary thought i hope you can work things out about this

mm--I don't understand how you can feel suicidal for just a few minutes. That seems weird to me. Were you actually wanting to kill yourself or was it more like depressive, not wanting to live feelings?

I don't want to ask her to sit out because she'll know that something's up. She may either think I'm suicidal, or she may think that I've started with the CP again. Truthfully, I don't think she actually realizes that I've given it up. She's asked me probably four or five times fairly recently if I was downloading any. Each time, I tell her no.

Plus, my mother actually helps me out a bit in the sessions. While it's not therapy, my psychiatrist still asks me a bunch of questions about how I'm doing and if I'm improving. He still thinks I just have a regular porn addiction and internet addiction. So he thinks that the time I spend online is on porn sites, when actuality, it's almost all here. Naturally, I run into problems when he asks if my computer time is diminishing at all. Last time, my mother actually lied for me. She knows that I don't want to tell him about my problems, and she doesn't believe that there's any need to.

mm--I don't understand how you can feel suicidal for just a few minutes. That seems weird to me. Were you actually wanting to kill yourself or was it more like depressive, not wanting to live feelings?

It was part of my morning depression thing. I was thinking about overdosing again. I guess the reason it went away was because I usually start to feel better later in the morning.

I don't want to ask her to sit out because she'll know that something's up. She may either think I'm suicidal' date=' or she may think that I've started with the CP again. Truthfully, I don't think she actually realizes that I've given it up. She's asked me probably four or five times fairly recently if I was downloading any. Each time, I tell her no.

Plus, my mother actually helps me out a bit in the sessions. While it's not therapy, my psychiatrist still asks me a bunch of questions about how I'm doing and if I'm improving. He still thinks I just have a regular porn addiction and internet addiction. So he thinks that the time I spend online is on porn sites, when actuality, it's almost all here. Naturally, I run into problems when he asks if my computer time is diminishing at all. Last time, my mother actually lied for me. She knows that I don't want to tell him about my problems, and she doesn't believe that there's any need to.[/quote']

mm, pardon my french, but that's really fucked up. You ever think your mother is sitting in and lying for you because she's embarassed about your issues? (did you say int he past that she refers patients to this psychiatrist, so she knows him?). Under no circumstances is your mother helping you by lying to to your psychiatrist and having you do different med doses without consulting him. Your mother should sit out and you need to tell him your actual problems. He is judging what to do with yout meds based on what he believes your problems to be. If you are making that all up, I don't see how this is going to work out for you.

It was part of my morning depression thing. I was thinking about overdosing again. I guess the reason it went away was because I usually start to feel better later in the morning.

Were you actually thinking seriously about it or was it more of a passing thought? Because I mean, I have passing thoughts like that all the time, but it's quite different to be seriously planning on killing yourself.

mm, pardon my french, but that's really fucked up. You ever think your mother is sitting in and lying for you because she's embarassed about your issues? (did you say int he past that she refers patients to this psychiatrist, so she knows him?). Under no circumstances is your mother helping you by lying to to your psychiatrist and having you do different med doses without consulting him. Your mother should sit out and you need to tell him your actual problems. He is judging what to do with yout meds based on what he believes your problems to be. If you are making that all up, I don't see how this is going to work out for you.

My mother has actually been very understanding about my problems. I mean VERY understanding. I don't think it's a thing about embarrassment. I actually don't know if she still refers patients to him or not. They used to work together years ago, but I don't know if they still have any professional relationship or not. She simply knows that I DO NOT want to say my issues again to someone else. What's important is that he knows that I'm depressed, he knows that I'm anxious, he knows I'm battling SOME form of porn addiction, and he knows that I suffer from obsessive thoughts. Whether he thinks it's one form of porn addiction or another, it's still an addiction. I'm not taking meds to help control my addiction. I'm taking them to make me feel better so that I'm not so depressed and anxious. Mostly, it's worked really well. I see no need to do anything more.

Were you actually thinking seriously about it or was it more of a passing thought? Because I mean, I have passing thoughts like that all the time, but it's quite different to be seriously planning on killing yourself.

I'd say that it was passive, but not as much as usual. Usually, I just feel that I don't want to be alive and all that crap, but today, it was "I don't know how much longer I can take this, I'm evil, I deserve to die, if I were to kill myself, I'd probably OD [etc etc etc.]" So no, it wasn't nearly as bad as Sunday, but it wasn't totally passive either.

mm....your mother is not a psychiatrist. I really don't think her helping you lie to your psychiatrist is in your best interest. Especially too, if you feel that with her in the room you can't even tell him all the things going on. I see you rationalizing it away, but it really isn't ok.

Oh, and before I forget to mention, my mother has offered to tell my psychiatrist about my pedophilia. She said that the only downside is that she doesn't think she knows my situation too well. She just keeps saying that she doesn't think there's much of a point. However, if I wanted to, I could ask her to do it. If I ever really ever feel the need for him to know, I'll have my psychologist talk to him. I don't really mind so much if he knows about my problems, but I CANNOT tell him myself.

mm....your mother is not a psychiatrist. I really don't think her helping you lie to your psychiatrist is in your best interest. Especially too, if you feel that with her in the room you can't even tell him all the things going on. I see you rationalizing it away, but it really isn't ok.

The only thing that her presence is stopping me from saying is that I'm a little suicidal now. Even that I don't think is crucial to tell my psychiatrist right away because I'm telling my psychologist later tomorrow. He can do whatever he wants with that information. If he wants to tell my mother, he can go right ahead. I honestly think I trust him more than I've ever trusted ANYONE. He knows what's best for me. If he feels that there's cause for real concern, I'll let him tell my mother. I'll let him put me in a hospital if he thinks it's best, but I don't think it's going to go that far.

honestly if your only pssively suicidal here and there for a few minutes I can't imagine youre going to be hospitalized. that's a tad ridiculous. but it CAN be a side effect od the meds...which would be the point in mentioning it to the person prescribing the meds...

also....seriously....cut the umbilical cord. Your mother doesn't need to be going in with you.

Hey Inf !!!!!

Hows things?

Have yer finished the book yet?

Yeah, it mostly is all passive. That's what it was for a long time when I used to say that I had a gut feeling my life would end in suicide. I used to say that pretty often .

I'll consider asking my mother not to go back into the room with us. She's told me before that she didn't care which choice I made. So maybe I'll tell her tomorrow that I want to go alone.

The other thing I'll do is once I tell my psychologist tomorrow, I'll ask him his opinion on the whole matter with my psychiatrist.

(And I know that being hospitalized for mostly passive suicidal thoughts is a bit ridiculous. I'm not expecting that to happen, but I was suggesting that I completely trust me psychologist, and if he were to suggest that I be hospitalized, I'd be willing. Really, I'm expecting him to just tell my mother so that she knows.)

Hey Sue !

How was your second day of freedom? I bet it feels really great to be home in your own privacy on your own schedule

hey sue,

nope got 50 pages left, so ill be finishing it up hpoefuly tomorrow

Almost there inf! good work!