Can you breathe a space in all this, Sue?

a space that is the present moment

this is a new day

this moment is new

I'm so very very sorry for all this pain :( :(

having a heck of a spiral - followed by another then another then another - it just will not stop.....

Im me, I am sue - I can handle all this - I have a grip on things, coz like things always work out in the end - if it aint all worked out - then obviously it aint the end.

Carry on, next breath, I can't do this, everything has became evil, its overtakeing me, its gonna win.

Hold breath for as long as possible in hopes I atleast pass out. Gulps for air - start to see people that shoulda fucked off and deteriorated into a pile of dust years ago. They here again.

Another huge intake of air this time through fear and the thought of 'Oh my God - bloody get me outta here NOW' Close my eyes so tight that everything becomes bright light and nothingness.

Convince myself there aint really no- one there - Im being foolish again, con myself into being brave, and take a peek from between the fingers of my hands held infront of my face. Sigh - huge sigh of relief, coz like they seem to be gone as I cant see papa or norman anymore.

Its safe to breathe again, and thats when I hear papa, shouting - HOW, just how can he still do that - he is dead, I have seen his grave, Im scared.

Nothing is real - but it is real coz like I am awake and it really hurts when I bash my head against the wall as hard as I can muster. This freaks me completely, he wont shut up !!!

See Norman lurking again - my thoughts tell me he is gonna take over from papa - after papa is done with his turn. Im now tryna crawl outta my skin, I WANT OUT.

Dont know what to do - start slippping, gotta get the evil out of me. It dont want to escape. I slip deeper. It aint working.

I look around for someone - anyone to just help, make them go chase them off. There is no-one.

I am alone.

I have to be strong. No-one aint eva gonna be around to chase these vultures away....

Ive had enough. My heart is about to give itself a free aviation lesson outta its host - my body.

Breathe - my thoughts turn to my breathing again, thoughts are screaming to just breathe. Why cant I breathe? I dont bloody know.

Im scared, but something in me knows its time to be strong - have to be strong. I get up do a loony do-lally rush around my flat. Tell myself it aint really real - its all just BS.

Cant cope. Crying, been crying for a while - not sure when the tears started falling - but it must of been a while Im drenched.

Reach for the only things that numb everything out.

Say Hey to my glass, get hold of my meds, take stuff I know that I shoudnt be takin' and swollow the damn lot as quickly as I can. Light up. Its time I can breathe safely. Coz once again nothing is wrong - Nothing scares me - therfor I am safe.

I am me - I am sue. I can handle all this. I have a grip on things. Everything will be ok in the end. If it aint okay - then this obviously aint the end.

Sue, I'm so sorry things are so awful right now for you. I wish I had something brilliant to say that would make it all right, but I don't. All I can say is I'm here for you, and I care, and I believe you can get through this.

Sue, this all sounds so very frightening... I'm sorry you're scared and hurting so badly. Can you call your therapist and ask for help? We're here and we care about you.

There has to be a way to get someone to be with you in these flashbacks :( :(

This is way too much pain for one person to bear, dear Sue : ( : ( : ( : (

Is there anything that breaks the trance besides taking too many meds? Has your therapist helped you come up with a plan?

Is there anything real enough in right now that can do it?

I wish you had a friend to call on, Sue, to sit with you in person : (

I hope you can feel our love and concern from way over here : ( : ( : ( : (

Sue, you sound so lonely. I wish the real world could be like the internet. Where people actually GIVE A DAMN about others. Anyway, just here to say - I hear what you're saying. I FEEL it. I will pray for a guardian angel to send you a friend. FOR REAL.

How are you feeling today, Sue?

struggling.

I'm sorry you're struggling and hurting so much. :( Is there anything I can do to help?

you are already helping Beth, everyone here does - much more than I think people realise. thankyou

im sorry, i know i have to do something just that im not sure what that something is.

cant get back in touch with p/doc, coz i cant risk being taken back in, im scared of them places they make me worse. and im too much of a coward to contact my therapist incase she tells p/doc.

not brave enough to do anything.

Are you safe, Sue? You need to find a way to keep yourself safe. I can understand your being afraid of going back in... Maybe your therapist will have some thoughts on what is best for you. Can you think about calling her? In the meantime, does anything help you balance and silence those voices?

When is therapy next?

Can you just see her more often?

I hate to see you alone in this battle, Sue :(

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Therapy shoulda been today and then again on thursday - I cancelled. Cant have them seeing me when Im like this. I dont make sense for very long at a time, once I start spiralling Im pretty much in a realm of my own, that no-one can relate to or understand. So I reckon its best to go off their radar till things calm down enough for me to focus properly.

Supposed to go see p/doc for follow up appointment in the morning - Ive chickened out and phoned the receptionist to cancel, saying I have a tummy bug. More lies Sue, but wot else woz I meant to do. :mad:

Technically I am not alone, the vultures are always nearby, so are the voices - and thats the problem. They refuse to leave me.

happy days

((((((( hugs to you, lil sis ))))))))

[[[for digger ]]]

dear vultures and voices: GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM SUE!

yeah vultures, you know you're scared...

thankyou

:(

I hope today is a better day for you, Sue.

(((((( hugs lil sis ))))))

The light in the sky turns from white to yellow, I cant look. It marks the start of yet another day - but yesterday hasnt finished with me. Im tryna play this tedious game of catch up, time needs to stand still for a few moments to give me a chance. Im behind too far, I cant keep up.

:(

I'm sorry you're struggling so much, Sue.

thanks Beth:o