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Vanished!


Athena

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On Monday I wrote in a blog post as follows:

"In the real world, we learn to trust over time and with confirmation (I'm recalling the saying "trust, but verify"). Quite frankly, after 5 months, I have no verifyable proof that my BF has a mother, that he used to go to my university, that his friends are who he says they are, that he has a job, that he has money, or that he's interested in ME as opposed to hoping he can deceive me like the last guy did. For all I know, he's living off the money he ripped off from the last girlfriend. Given my past experience, I keep my distance. I will never allow him to be in a position to hurt me. He can do far, far more damage than anybody here. So that's probably why he's 'not quite a BF'."

Since Friday, this so called 'BF' has vanished. He was likely away from town and away from his computer for the weekend. But he hasn't returned any calls since then. I think he knows this site and my stagename. If not, he's very smart and he could have figured it out. He's had access to my computer. So my guess is either he read the above post and is either busted or angry. Neither of which justifies a complete cutoff of all contact. Then again maybe. If busted, he never cared about me anyway so he's moving on to the next victim. If angry, I suppose it would be difficult to confront me about information he was reading on my blog - which I think is immoral to do without my knowledge. The other alternative is that he's incapacitated or dead. However, my therapist pointed out I probably would have been contacted had that happened. So that's it - no warning, no fight, nothing. I did ask him a few weeks ago, "what would you do if you didn't want to see somebody anymore". He said he'd never return their calls. So 'incapacitated or dead' is looking more and more remote. And that scares the hell out of me.

Unless I see him in the obits, I think I'll drive over to his house on the weekend - the address was a chore to track down but I did manage - that reminds me - the circumstances leading to me needing to know that were a red flag already. Red flags are coming up in my memory. One by one by one.

I desperately need closure on this. What's going on? OMG he could have copied my house key:confused:. I have recurring nightmares about that one. I have two young girls. He knows the exact dates I'll be away in December.

Oh, and one more thing. I just called his cell phone. Sounds like its been cut off.

Man oh man oh man, I seriously wish I was making this stuff up. That's it, I give up - no more relationships unless the guy is willing to go through a freakin' inquisition. I just can't take any more betrayal - I've already got chest pains, wake up out of breath and have an irregular heartbeat. I swear if I wasn't being so careful about my health I would be dead many months ago.

And yes - this blog is now private.

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Athena, that sucks. My biggest pet peeve in the world is lack of communication. If you don't want to talk to me, tell me. If you don't want to see me anymore, tell me. If I've done something to upset you, tell me...on and on. But people just don't seem to realize that communication matters. They think it's OK to just disappear. No thought about the impact it might have on someone else...

Sorry you're going through all this. Hope it works out.

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I agree with Solstice--even if he doesn't have the guts to say why, he could at least tell you it's over in some more official way. I don't know if it's a cowardly move--like he's afraid of the fallout of actually telling you; or if there is some self centered pleasure to be had in knowing someone is floundering around confused for awhile. I tend to always assume something horrible has happened too when i don't hear back from people. And then finding out that they're perfectly fine, they just decided to be an asshole, is always a blow. Being broken up with hurts enough as it is. I have a story to tell on that front...but not today. For now, you have my sympathy. This sucks, no doubt. I'm sorry he's flaking on you. For what it's worth, worrying about him having a key and all of that is probably unfounded. There are always lots of things a person techinically could do/could have done. Most never happen.

Is there anything you can do to take care of yourself and distract from this for awhile?

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Hi Athena,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. You are definitelly better off without him. If you have even small doubts, the relationship is not going to go anywhere and you are going to end up being more hurt.Try not to think about bad stuff. Just take care of yourself. I was having a horrible pain chest and was short of breath as well just few weeks ago when I was obcessed with that man. And now I am back to normal so will you.

Take care of yourself.

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not got the sense to write at mo - but im glad its ok to read what you have wrote :o

you wouldnt believe the amount of times Ive thought Ive taken my blog off public viewing .... and then been caught out :eek:

I will probably comment something thats a little more coherant in the morning. (it could happen :P)

but for now i need to try and sleep.

Just hope your ok. :o

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Hi Solstice, Sue, Pseud, Lana - Thank you all for your comments. This system is weird, sometimes I get notification, sometimes I don't. Didn't see anything until tonight so I was glad to see I wasn't completely alone. It would seem this is my sole support system outside of my therapist now. My BF was my only 'real' one. He probably just buckled under the pressure. Maybe therapy will go a bit better now that I don't have a potential bad transference issue going on. Or, at least a bad current one - there's a multitude of others in the past. It has been very strange that at the thinking level I trust my therapist completely yet I have felt like I have distrusted him lately for no apparent reason at all.

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Hi Athena,

If you are still worried that he may have copied your house key - would it be worth considering changing the locks. Coz if I thought someone had done that to me - I'd be pretty scared. Although admitidly I do get very paranoid and scared easily by some of my thoughts.

If you do drive out to his address over the weekend end, it might be a good idea to take a friend with you (if thats possible) for a bit of support.

Hope that you are ok, and that today is kind to you :P

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Thanks Sue,

I'm probably just being paranoid. Thought about changing the locks. Booby traps might be more fun though:eek:. Or maybe I can just get a cheap do-it-yourself alarm system that trips when the door opens. Not sure if such a thing exists. I'll see how I feel in a week.

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Hi Athena,

I would be probably concerned a bit as well. So far he has not done anything, right? So, I think you are pretty safe. It is kind of weird that he stopped communicating. Either way, even if contacts you in a future, stay away from this freak.Cannot stand when people do stuff like this.

There are plenty of people out there who are not playing this kind of games.

I am sure he is healthy and probably looking for another woman to rip off.

Freaaaak

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Booby traps could be very entertaining. I'm picturing tar dropping on his head, followed by feathers...maybe you could also set up a camera, so you can have a record of all the fun. :P

In all seriousness, I think they do sell little cheap DIY alarms that you can set to go off if the door opens -- for hotel rooms and such. Probably easy to find online. But, more than likely, I suspect he just flaked. In which case, you are better off. Still sucks, though. I'm sorry. :o

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So, the freak IS alive. Like I've never heard of a payphone. Sheeesh, you insult my intelligence! An expected response "can't talk right now, I'll call you later". Yah, you do that....

Doesn't matter. I now have some closure. When a guy says he may be taking flying lessons on the weekend in a small plane, it's not out of the realm of possibility that I might be a teensy bit worried about how the flight went when I don't hear from him in a week! So now I get to pick my emotion at least - raging fury. Wish I really did have a shield with Medusa on it. I'd take a little drive over to his place....

I really only have two questions for him. Why now and why so inhumanely? I'll leave the venting for later.

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I know I'm late here, but... I want to say that I also am the kind of person who needs very much to communicate about everything, the ends of relationships being one of the most important topics that can't be just ignored by/in silence. So... I feel for you... :)

I'm sorry that your blog was not private all the time. Maybe he didn't read it and his reason was very different from what you can imagine. However, I think that now it would be a good time to make your blog public for some time and give him a theoretical chance to see and understand what he's done. I don't know. Maybe it would be better to send him a short letter (paper, not e-mail). With a short explanation how you feel and why you need just few answers from him - how can he be so cruel after all that good that happened between you? Or you could wait a bit - if he's really upset by your blog, maybe it would be better to write him when the emotions will be calmed already.

Just some ideas, maybe wrong...

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Spaseeba, Lana (sorry - don't have a russian alphabet generator here - that's as close as I can get).

Lala - That's an interesting thought - let him see the blog now. Nahh - the last guy admitted he read my stuff here and he just used it to hurt me. I think I'll just get my thoughts down on paper before I start justifying his actions and convincing myself I deserved it or something.

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