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Cleaning up messes


Athena

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No kids, no BF, just me today. And weekends around MHN are so quiet too. Lucky I had scheduled something productive to do. I went for a run - it's been a busy week so I was getting antsy to do something for myself. Then I cleaned up my office. I feel this need to clean up messes now. Maybe the divorce will be finalized before year end. Gotta deal with that tomorrow. Maybe the accounting mess my brother handed to me will be cleaned up in the next couple of weeks. The BF - well that was turning into a mess. I miss the man he was in the beginning, but that always changes for me. People never turn out to be who they seem at first. Anyway, he's gone. Next up - the house. No motivation to make it look Christmassy for my kids unless I can actually SEE the decorations through the clutter here. I still have too much stuff. I had to downsize after our separation. Still not used to living in such a small place. It doesn't help that it's been over a year and I still don't feel like this is my home. So much is in limbo. So much is out of my control. Just waiting for rotten people to stop kicking me. Maybe Big J will go away. I don't talk about him much here - gotta leave him cryptic for now. He's just a ticking time bomb that may never go off or could go off any second. And all I can do is wait. It's been 6 years already. So I think that about covers all the messes.

I've been reading a book called "What to say When you Talk to Yourself". I decided on the first affirmation: "I am in complete control of my time. I decide what's important and I do it. I don't get caught up in time-wasting activities. I don't fall back into bad habits. I don't get distracted from the task at hand. Every moment is a step forward". OK, well maybe it needs a bit of work but it's a start. Gotta change the voices in my head. When I clean up the messes I think I'll be ready for the next step: "Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead" - Pink

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been listening to 'perfect' for the past few days. :)

sorry things are so harsh for you Athena.

i hope that your divorce goes through quickly so that you can slowly move forward and put that part of your life behind you.

sheeze hun, you have so much to try and deal with - but im loving your attitude.:)

i wish you all the luck in the world with cleaning up the mess's, its gonna take its toll - but im sure your get there :o

....... and were all here to offer you support everystep of the way - hopefully that will help a little... :o

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Thanks Sue,

Last night after I wrote this, I was reading a self-help book. Even that's a trigger. Here's the results of a study about people under intense emotional stress: "The emotional distress was due to events such as serious financial trouble, feeling insecure at work or being forced out of a job, being the object of a legal action, or going through a divorce. Having had three or more of these troubles within the year before the exam was a stronger predictor of dying within the ensuing seven years than were medical indicators such as high blood pressure or high cholesterol."

I have all four hitting me at the same time:(. On top of that I have chronic back pain, IBS and I'm forced to deal with it all in isolation and with an ex threatening to live off me and take my kids away. And the sad thing is...they way I am, the way I let people walk all over me - means that I failed to set up the safeguards to protect myself. So unless I can change myself, it's just going to keep happening. No wonder I'm not very motivated to stick around.

It's not like I'm some hot shot doctor or lawyer or something. I worked my ass off in sales. I even worked right after giving birth, twice - Imagine breast feeding while talking on the phone with a client and looking stuff up on the computer - no easy task. Then you discover you need a file and have to walk across the room trying to keep the baby latched on while you lean over and get it. Then 7 years later I cracked under all the pressure and went on disability, which my employer tried to weasel out of. So far I've held them off but that hangs over me too.

Enough of that. Going to go for a run and listen to Pink "Change the voices in your head...."

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oh gosh hun - just {{{{hugs}}}}

I know what its like having to fight the 'ex' over who the children live with - that was a nightmare two year battle in court. Which I won - but that was such a rollercoaster :)

And yep I can imagine working whilst breast feeding - I breast fed four of my children - My eldest 3 and a half when my youngest was born. So although I didnt work by this stage - I was on my feet more or less 24/7 and having to feed my youngest whilst getting on with looking after another baby and two toddlers.

sheeze its been a mad few years or so for me - unfortunately I did crack under the pressure of it all.

Hope that you manage to stay strong through this hun - I know its really harsh - but keep fighting - and you WILL get through this, and come out the otherside much stronger than you ever thought possible.

Enjoy your run - play PINK full blast with yer headphones in and go for it !!!

Take care

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You most certainly have my sympathy Athena. I’ve had disturbingly similar experiences. Try not to let what you read in the self help book get you down. I know how stuff like that is. But keep in mind, it’s just statistics. It doesn’t mean it’s destined to happen to you. Your positive attitude is admirable. I’m more than happy to hang out in your corner and cheer you on.

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"Having had three or more of these troubles within the year before the exam was a stronger predictor of dying ... than high blood pressure or high cholesterol"

This is part of the problem of news articles quoting research out of context. Because I'm sure that the research was directed towards mitigating the effects of those troubles, much the same way that the earlier research on blood pressure and cholesterol were. The point is that the first step is recognizing that such troubles have an effect on health, otherwise we might not devote any resources to them. But now that we know, we have a better chance of fighting the effects of those troubles.

It's a choice (and possibly one of the first choices on the road to recovery) whether to view it fatalistically, or as a call to do something about it.

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I am of both minds. Don't make it worse while you're waiting for your soul to be healed. I'm much more interested in quality of life than quantity. So I view it as a race to see if the crises can be resolved and the soul can be healed before they kill the body. It's not that I'm not doing anything about it. I'm in decent physical health as far as all the standard tests go. I've done about as much as I can do on that front. But nothing I've tried to heal the 'inside' has worked. Meds, supplements, relationships, hobbies, distractions, taking time off, various forms of therapy and meditation. I'm kind of a 'throw enough shit at the wall, some of it's gotta stick' kind of person. But there ain't much 'shit' left to throw. Nobody has any solutions for me. I think 'freedom' might get me half way there, but I have so little control over that.

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Ou. :( I'm sorry I don't know what to say, how to be supportive :(. But I want to say something - what I feel when reading from you today. Not just this blog, but also what you wrote to Pseud's blog the past few days. So... what I feel is a mix of admiration and sadness. And it also reminds me what you wrote to Pseud: that people tend to say things like "you have/are ... so you don't have it so bad" and I really don't like that approach and don't feel it this way myself, so I hope this will not sound similarly: You are so smart and have so good insights in so many things in your and other's lifes, that... it's even more frustrating to see you struggling and feeling so helpless in many aspects of your life... You know; it gives the impression that... "if she only could apply what she knows, her life would be much better". But... that's the problem of many of us. We "know", but... the feelings and the every-day reality are "against us"... :( I'm sorry this is not supportive. I wish I could bring more...

And, another thing: I'm glad you have written the letter to your "BF". I have just one more comment to that issue: Few days ago, it started to seem to me that we (on your blog) were a bit too harsh toward him :o. Because... when I imagine how he could feel while reading those words that you suspect him to had read, then... I know, he wastn't allowed to read you blog at all - that was a bad, arogant mistake. But... if he did it, then... he couldn't not to feel disappointed by your relationship and sad, so... he probably would feel the right to do what he told you he always do when ending a relationship. I'm sorry this sounds probably "very unsupportive", but I'm writing it because I want your letter (not yet sent?) to be the most accurate possible. And I don't know (as you didn't mention it) if it describes only your feelings from what he's done or also your image of his possible feelings - I think it would be better to show him how empathic you are and still can be - so that you wouln't give him a new reason to think something bad about you. I hope you can understand my "message" from these ... "unhandy" (-oh, English synonyms again...) sentences...

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You know; it gives the impression that... "if she only could apply what she knows[/i'], her life would be much better". But... that's the problem of many of us. We "know", but... the feelings and the every-day reality are "against us"... :( I'm sorry this is not supportive. I wish I could bring more...
Actually, it's very insightful. I do know a lot of things. I feel like I should have a degree in psychology by now:o and I hope others are able to actually apply some of what I say. Or at least feel better about their situation. But in spite of what I know, I will actually watch myself make the mistakes. Perhaps it's like a bad habit. Easier said than done to just quit doing something. Stop being anxious, stop clenching up, stop procrastinating, stop time wasting, stop caring what people think of me. On the other hand, I think I like the word 'habit' better than 'pattern'. The word 'pattern' is starting to sound like an unconquerable thing. I don't see a lot of people changing the horrible patterns that have developed in their lives. I DO see people quitting bad habits though.

And' date=' another thing: I'm glad you have written the letter to your "BF". I have just one more comment to that issue: Few days ago, it started to seem to me that we (on your blog) were a bit too harsh toward him :(. Because... when I imagine how he could feel while reading those words that you suspect him to had read, then... he couldn't not to feel disappointed by your relationship and sad, so... he probably would feel the right to do what he told you he always do when ending a relationship. [/quote'] Yes - that's why I think he read it. I can't come up with anything else that would have caused his extreme reaction.

I'm sorry this sounds probably "very unsupportive", but I'm writing it because I want your letter (not yet sent?) to be the most accurate possible. And I don't know (as you didn't mention it) if it describes only [/i']your feelings from what he's done or also your image of his possible feelings - I think it would be better to show him how empathic you are and still can be - so that you wouln't give him a new reason to think something bad about you.
No, you're being very supportive Lala. I've struggled with this too. The longer I leave the letter, the more I see his side. I want to say sorry for what I wrote but if he didn't read the blog, I don't want him to think I wrote something bad about him and make him feel even worse. I also don't want to condone his behaviour. And I don't want to completely suppress how I feel, in fact I'm not even sure what I feel now and that kind of worries me. I did in fact want to make the letter more balanced, so I'm glad to hear you think it is a good idea. The passage of time has also made me realize that I have never seen him express an emotion - sadness, anger, happiness - nothing. It's like he's just shut down on that front. I think he can't handle the thought of engaging in a potential conflict situation. I know he grew up with never ending fighting between his parents so I can see where that might be coming from. Anyway, I haven't quite figured out how to put that all in a letter.

Thanks for your comments Lala. My thinking is quite disorganized on this so it is helpful to have this discussion with you.

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:o... I'm glad to hear that all...

Yes, habit is much better than pattern, I agree! :(

I see that is has to be very complicated to write such a balanced letter :(. But I'm also glad to see you still wanting to do it and send it. He has his habits of quiting relationships, but why would you confom to them, too? Maybe he would be even nicely surprised...

I have never seen him express an emotion - sadness, anger, happiness - nothing.

This is very strange and sad... You're probably right about the reasons reated to his parents (which reminds me the psychology degree :()... It seems that by ending reltionships like this, he tries to avoid showing emotions, as any other way of ending would force him to show some... Maybe you could include this issue in the letter (?)... You know; you won't (and even don't want to, it seems) bring the realtionship back to life, so... you can now do "anything" to him, so... why not to do something nice? I suppose you'd feel better than after just venting your anger on him. By "nice" I don't mean hiding or denying your feelings about what he's done - not at all! But... I mean... showing him your care and understanding and your process of... maybe... forgiving, trying to understand, ...?

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Yes, I think that I'm just not one for mysteries. I have a real need to know what happened. I need to understand it. What did I say or do in the last week/day that caused such an extreme reaction with no warning? I admit I'm tough on guys now. I tend to point out male stereotypes and imply that "I'd never put up with this or that particular male behaviour. But that was something I pretty much did from the beginning. May as well let them know where I stand before we waste a lot of time.

Anyway, I'm really feeling quite a bit better about it. And I'm hoping my therapy will get back on track now. The relationship with R definitely affected it. Yet I didn't say much about it to my T - possibly because my T essentially warned me to get into anything serious. Now I see why. I told him enough that he could see that it would be ending soon anyway.

So now I get to flip between feelings of total isolation and freedom. I just spoke to my brother. He said I sounded a lot better. I told him he caught me on a good day:).

Thanks again for your support Lala.

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I shift so easily back and forth. Since all my crises seem to involve people hurting me in some way, having one less of them to deal with is kind of liberating. On the other hand, I'm more lonely now. Trying not to go jumping into something else right away but I'm torn on that.

I think cleaning up messes helped a lot. I think of Jenna who seems to compulsively clean when she feels down. I think that would be a good compulsion for me to develop:). At least I would feel like I achieved something. At the moment, my house still looks a little like my brain - very disorganized.

Thanks for checking in Lala. How are things with you these days?

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I think that would be a good compulsion for me to develop :)

:) For me, too... :)

Thanks for checking in Lala. How are things with you these days?

I'm fine, thanks. Tyring not to be "too much" on this site, but then when I come here, there's always so much to read and to think about that... I don't find my "off-line duties"... :-( Still can't find a balance in this. But I'm fine in general.

BTW, did you finish the letter? :)

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No, I didn't finish the letter. I had some urgent stuff to attend to this past week along with 'single parent' status for five days. I have softened my stance significantly so I'm glad I put all the bad stuff down so that I can review it, see what is still valid and include it with a more balanced 'good-bye'. He has good reasons for leaving, as do I. But his method was inexcusable. A few days ago I e-mailed him the 'Quiet Borderline' video that I posted in the depression forum, along with "Now I know what STIGMA feels like." As expected, I got no response. In my head, I hear back from him the words "Grow up!"

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