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Having one of those days, where the answer to all lifes problems, the answer to the square route of infinity, the answer to every little question no matter how relatively simple - or as in reality, how difficult it may seem to others is - Dunno!!!

Sheeze I feel so thick, unstable and feel like I'm about to explode.

Maybe if I just hide in here a little longer, I can convince myself that there is no existance beyond this computer screen.

But, I know I wont be able to hide here forever, or even another hour - got another darn interigation - OK, appointment in a bit ...... Hmmm, just when my eyes had nearly stopped leaking. Not sure how much more of this I can handle quite honestly.

pathetic me!


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Would some time on our beach help, Sue?

I am so glad to see you here... so very sad for this pain :( :( :(

Is there any chance the police could recover your phone?? Then you could have your contacts and some continuity...

Can you talk to your therapist???


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Hey you remembered about gertie, thanks Beth :)

Hey big sis, time on our beach sounds like heaven - if there is such a place, then thats where it is!

The appointment definately felt more like an interrigation. Like , had I made any contact with him, when was the last time I spoke with him etc, had I visited places I know I have to avoid and know that Im not allowed to visit, what was life like with him... etc....... Like Sheeze, Just how many times do I have to answer the same old questions. Surely they must have it all on record somewhere??????

The best question of all, has gotta be this "What do I want the DV team to do to help me, and is there anything else that I think they could be doing?". Like WTF! Really felt like telling them EXACTLY what I thought on that score. i.e. How about doing your job, how about locking him up again, how about giving me if not my life back, then, maybe just some sort of life that I can call my own, Oh, and how about interrigating him, afterall he is the one causing the problems - not me. But I never, I mean whats the point right, its not as if they are going to take any notice of me, is it?. I just said sweet FA, just shook my head, shrugged my shoulders, coz after all, just what is the darn point.

Spent all night with those lovely vultures inside of me, gotta admit they have a point, kinda makes me wonder why I ever stopped listening to them. Decided that atleast they make sense, and its about the only ones that do lately.

How can I be so frigging lost, when I know exactly where I am, Im with me. It may not be the me that the rest of the world sees, but it is still me, somewhere inside my stupid Ol' Brainy, I gotta exsist .... somewhere.

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I would assume that if they weren't going to take any notice of you, they wouldn't have asked the question ... Because if you tell them what you need, and it doesn't change anything, nothing's changed, right? What's the harm? But if you keep silent, not only does nothing change, but nothing has any chance of changing ...

Silence is what the vultures crave, sweety, so they can have you all to themselves. Speak out, please? It's evidence that you exist, at least. Who cares if the people you speak to don't make sense? It's not as if _I_ do, most of the time. :-)

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Think I'm just scared that if I say too much about stuff then things will kick off - not them kick off. but me kick off - at me. switched off too far in the night, things get a tad dodgy when I get like that. but feeling ok(er) now.

Think Im gonna get in trouble today - Ive pegged it outta the appartment - and dont wanna go back. Most of me thinks its just better that way for the time being. Probably will go back, once Ive calmed down and realised its the only place I can go. But for now Im quite happy enough, avoiding reality. Pretend shit dont exsist - then it wont. It atleast is a theory that has a chance of working, so I s'pose its gotta be worth a try.

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I'm glad you're clear that the worst problem is when you get angry at yourself.

It seems like some part of you is angry at the part of you that trusted the DV folks and went along with their plan. The angry part of you thinks that going along with DV is the cause of all this upheaval, because they couldn't keep him from finding you. But the reality is that if you hadn't cooperated with DV, he's have found you a lot sooner, and with a lot less protection available. The angry part would like to turn you against yourself, and against your only support ...

I hope when you wind down, you'll go back. Trust me, shit exists: I know, I'm full of it. :-)

Can you take special care of you today?

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The beach wiv Digger and Gertie, and my Big Sis sounds like a really, really good idea. I like going there when I'm able to - if that is Ol' Brainy co-operates, just a tad :)

I did try to take care of me - eventually. Just things have a habbit of ruining any little , huh, or huge effort thats been made. I went back to the safe apartment a few hours after posting in me blog, on thursday, with an imaginary tail between my legs. Shoulda been a dog! It took a while for me to eventually give up and go back there - I was too tired to do anything else. Then shit happened, next thing I really took notice of was in the ambulance the following morning. And NO I didnt S/H - didnt need to this time.

This sucks. Now not only am I on more frigging meds for my heart than I have been in a long while, I also have the added joy of needing to drink them build up drink thingies - hmmm, and now I get a phone call from the DV people every few hours to see if I'm doing what I should be doing, when I should be doing it. And various other people from sister agencies etc, that just happen to drop by - unanounced.

So Ive escaped from it all, again, just for a while. Figure if I aint in the apartment, I can atleast get a rest from it all - and pretend that I'm fine, everything is fine - and more importantly all is right with the world - on some weird level at any rate :)

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Sorry dont want to worry anybody least of all my friends here :(

Im Ok, a little fuzzy, but ok - cant and will not grumble today, not even a little bit :)

The weather outside is lovely today - bright, bright warm sunshine - kinda freaky for this time of year, hoping it is trying to tell me something - other than wear shorts and t-shirt! :D

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Hmmm, yep, s'pose this is my blog, and it is awfully tempting to grumble - but Im gonna try real, real hard not too :D

Bored stupid of being so darn pathetic lately, way too many episodes of leaky eye syndrome - so have given myself a long over due kick up me backside, and decided NO MORE!

(or atleast not infront of anybody).

Hoping that they can move me onward soon, discovered that yep although the apartment is supposidly 'a safe house', it is also well known in the area for drugs and trouble. This kinda apartment this time a year or so ago - and well, quite honestly I woulda been in my element - and just got off me rocker 24/7, hey presto - no longer functioning enough to notice what is going on - better still not caring what is going on!. Im being real good, despite the tempting offers from the locals - but im gonna stay on my high horse and NOT do that shite ever again, though to be fair to myself I am sorely tempted, just to go back to that place - one more time. Hmmm, must have a little devil on me shoulder again - Oooops. Dont have to react all the time to what I hear inside of me - I guess!

Ha, so much for not complaining or grumbling. My cop out is that its not whinging, if its just the way things are. And Im sticking to it!

Got a fair bit of BS, to listen to today - no doubt, and not just from myself (for once) - expecting my keyworker later today - at some point, ha, if I make it back to the apartment in time. Dunno yet if I can be bothered.

Another fun day lays ahead, atleast the weather is backing my mood up today - its absolutely P'ing it down, raining, :D

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Would it help to start out with the assumption that it's not all BS? At least that way you might feel like you're allowed to point out which things are BS instead of having to hold it inside ... You can't change things that you silently accept.

You're right: we don't have to react to everything we hear inside. It's okay to hear it, but not to let it rule you.

Take care, lil sis. Because you can be sure our care is heading your way.

Love, Mark

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Thanks big bro, ive missed yer kindness and understanding.

Its soooooo much easier to make myself believe that everydarnthing is BS, that way if my stupid eyes start leaking its just that stupid, and not justified - reckon I can deal with me just being stupid, then atleast Im kinda able to kick my ass into gear (sorta)

Seems me and my new best friend - the ever so sarcastic little devil on me shoulder, have gotten things more or less sussed (for the time being at anyrate). And have well and truely decided that IDGAF about anything that happens either to me or around me anydamnmore. Coz if it dont matter and IDGAF, then it aint gonna upset me or bother me, and more importantly I might just at a push be able to accept that whatever happens - just happens.

I swear if this so called life of mine is some form of test or challenge - I flunked it years ago, kinda makes me realise the answer to that question that I've been searching for all these years .....

Whats the point ?

There is none!

Game over - I win :)

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I do hear some of the progress you had made in your therapy.

But I also hear a few of the old habits too ...

Could you spell out IDGAF to yourself, please, so that you remember that when you say that you're really saying you don't care about you any more ...

Although I suppose winning helps. :-P

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Is there really any reason to care about myself? Coz no matter how hard I try to, it dont stop the outside influences F'ing it up for me.

I s'pose this time I should be (and possibly am) grateful, that I couldnt of stopped most of this from happening. Always a brightside.

Dont need to spell IDGAF, I now it , in all its purest of glory (lucky me-huh!). Guess thats probably one of the old habbits you mentioned. Thing is - I cant stop myself, from thinking about it, or acting upon it.

Therapy, helped me loads - I havnt s/i'ed in ages :) Im actually quietly proud of that (shocking isnt it - I can actually say that I'm proud of myself for something these days!)

Winning always helps - certainly beats the other option :P

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If you don't care about yourself, who will? Obviously we're not going to trust the "outside influences" to do it for you.

Yay! I'm glad you have pride in yourself, Sue. You have many things to be proud of.

I just wanted to point out that you were slipping into code again, that's all. IDGAF isn't one of the more subtle ones, but it's an excuse for all sorts of self-defeating things.

Isn't it funny that when we say we don't care about something, it usually means we're just about to do something actively stupid about that something? If we didn't care, you would think the next step would be to ignore the something entirely ...

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Oooops, note to self - not to use code - sorry, guess old habbits die hard.

...... isnt it funny, ......... that when anybody says that - usually it is anything but funny :P

would like to say that I aint planning on doing anything stupid, well not in a way that I can intentionally hurt myself, stupid things are just drawn to me, from me - cant help that - its part of me. But am deffo not planning on harming myself anytime soon - am allergic to pain :)

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