I could really use some help. Things are going pretty damn well for me right now, but I still feel like shite. I think it might be guilt over stuff I did in the past. I didn't hurt anyone, I didn't cheat, steal, or even harass anyone. My sin was schadenfreude. I went through a phase where I took pleasure in watching or hearing about the horrific things happening to people that are not me. Somehow since then, probably because of getting sober, my empathy got turned back on and I am now disgusted with that side of myself. Yet I cannot change the past. I do stupid things when I drink, even stupider things when I drink and take cocaine. That's why I am quitting. There are many reasons, but this is one of the bigger ones.
This is a problem because the guilt over what I know is inside me is seeping out to other areas of my life. I'm not as patient as I was just a few months ago. I've turned from someone who loves to smile into an irritable grump who is quick to complain and I'm constantly judging my situation as this is good, that is bad, and so on. I try not to judge people, but that doesn't always stop me. I'm even driving more aggressively - it's like I don't know myself. That creates tremendous anxiety, and I'm afraid that this anxiety will become something I try to escape by behaving badly again. I don't want that. I don't want to go to that place again.