that's a good idea but I don't think I'll be painting for a while because the house is too noisy again and I had been using the kitchen table because it's bigger and now I can't .

Can you paint in the greenhouse?

ha, no the greenhouse is teensy!!!

would I fit in the greenhouse?

Yep, because you're teensier!!!!

Good, I would love that! I used to go to the college greenhouse and draw. Then I did some "soft sculptures" on plant forms... they were sewn and stuffed. [One was about the sick dynamics at home and I called it "Parasite and Host"---yep, I was not too happy at the time]

whoa that sounds really interesting!!! were you my age at the time? maybe there'll be greenhouses where I'm going to college!!!!!

I was exactly your age. It was such a relief to be in that environment, away from home, and to be meeting so many new friends. I remember my mother coming to visit me and commenting "people like you here..." like that was a really strange thing.

I can imagine mine saying the exact same thing..

From a safe distance, I can see that my mother has trouble liking herself. She has some pretty strong conflicts on the inside.

mine probably has problems too.

It's important to reach that perspective. It helps a bit to get a grip on the situation.

it's not fair that they take everything out on us.

Not fair at all, and, it doesn't work. It doesn't really make them feel any better in the long run. And 2 lives are ruined. Well, that is, if we let that happen.

I don't understand why she decides to take everything out on me. She's nice to my sister, why can't she be nice to me? I just don't know why she hates me so much.

My guess is that something went wrong for her when she was growing up. People will "split off" from themselves when the pain is too great.

That does not solve the problem though, in the long run. Others, like you, somehow remind them of that vulnerability and then they have to split off from you and be mean to you too.

that makes sense.

The vulnerable child is not the enemy! Vulnerability and neediness is not a sin. Meeting those needs is much simpler than damaged people realize. It just means looking into her face with a smile, a simple hug, an encouraging word, a little fun. Damaged people can't do that because they have turned in hatred to that need in themselves. Sometimes terrible things have happened to cause that split.

I'm not sure if i can do that. i've tried being nice to her before and it always gets thrown back in my face. I give up. and i know that makes me a horrible person but i can't take anymore.

Oh I'm not talking about your mother! I am talking about the child. Any child. The vulnerable child in you.

It is so interesting you thought I was talking about your mother, because that is a whooooooole other dynamic that my mother has also. What she really wants is for people to take care of her. She's so bad at taking care of herself because she has turned her back on herself as a vulnerable child, and now she needs someone else to do it!!!!!!!!!!!

It is doubly hurting for the mother to ask her daughter she's turned her back on to be the mother to the child inside the mother that the mother's turned her back on. (hah! I'm getting a little mad. I used to get REALLY angry.) The daughter never gets a chance to have a mother, never gets a chance to grow up into the adult she had the potential to be, and yet is asked to do all those things for the sake of the one who screwed all this up!!!! Hope that makes sense.

yeah that makes sense. i wish things could be different.

I do too, Blossom. You're not cuckoo, you're just in pain.

Does it help to say that befriending yourself is not as hard as it seems? She just needs a little love. And growing up will be soooooooooooo much easier having all of you with you. And just doing that much will give you gobs of courage. And having friends along the way makes it so much easier too.

i don't have any love to give her. maybe she's already dead.

She can disappear into deeper levels of you, but she cannot die. Just a teensy bit will help. Can you at least see that she is not the enemy?

yeah i can see she's not the enemy but I don't have any love in me so how can I share it with her? it would be easier if we were both gone.