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i like ice-cream...



well, my cuckoo blog is gettin kinda old so i figured I better start a new one...

I'm glad that today was sunny! I like the sun. I spent a little while outside today trying to make shapes out of the clouds.. that was fun, but then it got kinda cold so i came back inside.. today was mostly a good day and my family and i got along more than usual but now I'm starting to feel a little sad.. not because anyone was mean to me or anything like that, but because they were nicer to me than usual. I feel confused. When they're nice to me it makes me feel bad for feeling the way i do about them and for complaining about them but i can't help it.. that's just how i feel. Sometimes I wonder if it's all in my imagination:( I wish we could all get along better and be happy but I don't know how to make that happen...I'm really tired of being alive. Everyday is the same..


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oh I have those feelings too, when my dad shows how caring he can be, or just treats me like an adult. But really, it's not your fault they treat you bad and of course that would make anyone angry or upset and being that ordinarily they're not nice to you, no wonder you get mad, anyone would. my dad was good to me tonight, and I was glad but sometimes it makes me wonder, how bad is he really? maybe it's just me who causes the problems. But something tells me that's not the case.

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The toughest thing when I was in this situation was to form an identity apart from the identity I had being with my family. Who I was in my family was not a viable life, it was an impossible life. If I had support, I might have figured something out. But I didn't. Each family member let me know that the problem was with me.

All I can do is tell you both what had to happen for me, in order to step across the line from impossible to possible. I had to form an identity with other people, other experiences apart from my family. I had to find support and interactions that had enough positive things going so that I could grow and live. For me that meant college and therapists and friends and pets and nature and art and most of all spiritual growth.

The interactions you have with your family keep reinforcing a very, very limited idea of who you are and who you can be. In time you will see that they do that out of their own pain, but that insight doesn't do much to fix the problem. It just gives some perspective. You need better relationships than this in your lives. You need to know there is so much more to life than this, and it IS possible, not impossible for you to get there. For me, it was IMpossible as long as I confined myself strictly to who I was inside my family.

I'm so very sorry star and Blossom, that you have this pain to go through....believe me :(

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I do all kinds of activities with the kids at work. A favorite is crawling down a long dark fabric tunnel looking for eyeballs. We do pumpkin carving. I love roasted pumpkin seeds. Little crafts with ghosts are fun.....

[would vegetables help? *yikes!*]

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Ohhhhhhhhhhh THAT's what's going on. If I couldn't make a mess, I would have to be hauled away in a straight-jacket. EVERYTHING I do makes a mess. That's why I seem to always be cleaning my house:rolleyes:. I think I would give up too, if I wasn't allowed to ever make a mess:(.

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