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well...today has been another horrible day. i really really really don't want to feel like this anymore. i'm tired of feeling. i'm tired of living. nothing makes me happy anymore, not even the things that used to make me happy. I'm scared. because i'm not so sure if there really is a way out of these feelings other than killing myself. i don't want to be like this forever. i don't want to be on my own or to be invisible anymore. i feel lonely all the time and noone wants me, not even me, and that's what hurts the most.


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Hey Blossom, it has been a while. I have to agree with smallstar, you are absolutely welcome here and we are here for you.

How about you give us a little update about how things are? Aren't you about to start your first step into university life?

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I got some things done today, partly by staying away from here for a while, so I feel pretty good. One of the things I'm trying to arrange is to get myself into therapy again.

How was zee work?

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work was.....work.... it was very busy today and the customers were ruder than ever. our security man caught a woman shoplifting today and the police were called and she blamed it on her 8 yr old daughter who probably had nothing to do with it. it was sad. did you go to therapy before?

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"Blamed it on her 8 yr old" ... I hope that comes with an extra criminal charge.

I went to therapy ...

1) for a month at 18 because I was forced to.

2) for five years or so starting when I was ... 24?

3) for two years starting in 2000, ended when my future wife objected

4) for about 9 months starting in 2007, not very productive because I didn't really want to face the problem.

Each time except the first, it helped me some. I just didn't give the last lady much of a chance ... Now that I can face the relationship problem I had, maybe I can put some of the reasons why I got into that relationship in order.

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Mmm, it takes a little bravery. But it's not what you think, perhaps.

It's not the talking to another person. I got over that in the first few sessions of the first therapy (it was difficult at first.) Longer term, though, the real hard part is facing yourself.

We put a lot of diversions into our brains to keep from facing the things we don't want to, about ourselves. Obviously, we resist looking directly at those diversions and barriers, because seeing them forces us to realize that we could do things other ways. It can be embarrassing to find that the problem has been in the way you've been handling things all these years. But like 'finding' says, you have to respect that you did the best you could, back when you put the barrier in place, and just look forward to removing it.

You're probably braver than I am, sweety. [You still dare to look at 'finding's veggie pictures ...]

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Sweety, in your case you'd have to fight you-know-who on top of your own anxieties ... I couldn't have done it.

I would suggest you try it, when you get off to school by yourself. Just go and meet the therapist, tell them you hate life or whatever, tell them about the feelings of vegetables, it doesn't matter. See if you like them. Some of the therapists I've met are hard not to talk to. :-)

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