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stupid life.


Blossom

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i don't know what to do anymore:(

i hate college. HATE it.

whenever i sit down in college and try to work i just can't. i don't want to be there. i can't stick it! i'm not even good at art anymore. i clearly shouldn't be there. but there's nothing i can do about it because i have no choice. i hate my life. i have no control over it. i don't want to be alive anymore. it's never going to get better so what's the point? and nothing i do will ever be good enough because i'm stupid. everything's stupid:mad:

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Sweety, a lot of this is just exactly how my depression sounds, when I let it talk to me without stopping it.

What makes you believe "it" is never going to get better? Just because the depression says so?

The other one, that nothing you do is good enough, well, that's just what your mother says. But the reality is, what you do is often very good; the problem is in her head, not in you. Telling you that you're stupid is just her excuse for being so mean to you. She has to do that, for her own reasons, but she's wrong.

People love you, including me. You're not stupid, and you definitely do belong at art college, even if it's hard for you right now.

Some things are definitely stupid, but not all of them. :-P

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Sweety, have you never listened to Pink Floyd's "The Wall"?

"I could've sworn there was a door there in the wall when I came in."

There's always a way out, little one. Always.

The trick is finding it; you may need help for that. But there are lots of people trying to do just that, if you'll let us.

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I know you feel stuck, little one.

It just means you don't know what to try, though; it doesn't mean that there is nothing to try.

Here's a radical thought: if you can't change all that external stuff, is it possible to just decide not to let it make you unhappy?

For the longest time, I tried to think of a way of convincing my wife that I'm not the bad person she kept telling me I am. I didn't believe her, but it bothered me that she didn't believe me.

Six years, I tried to show her who I was, and she never did get it. The point is, I could've been a saint (and I'm not), and she never would have got it, because she wasn't being honest with herself about why she was getting mad. She always claimed that if I would just do everything a certain way, everything would be fine, except that the "certain way" was always changing. What it came down to was, she'd only be happy if I were the perfect reflection of what she thought I should be.

And I knew I couldn't be that, ever. So there was this tremendous relief, of knowing that her anger at my "failure" was her problem, and suddenly I was free of the burden. I had found my "door".

You have a door, somewhere, too. I'm sure of it, sweety.

Why? Because at one point, I was so sure I would never find a door that I was thinking about killing myself, instead. And the door was right there the whole time, I just couldn't see it.

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Funny, starry asks almost the exact same question.

Well, because you're a nice person, you try not to hurt other people; that's normal. You say "Excuse me, coming through, clear a path, pardon me", and hope they get out of the way.

But when it comes down to choosing between you dying just so they won't get a little boo-boo, it's time to shove them out of the way and see what's on the other side of that door. :-)

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You can do anything, honey, that's part of the point: you have to decide what the best thing to do is.

Instead of only talking about what you're not going to do, how about, what are you going to do, instead?

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Well, so, it's less because other people might get hurt than it is just that dropping out might not be a good idea?

How about taking a look at what you hope your life will look like, in say, five years? Don't put in any thoughts about limitations, those are for later; just, what do you dream about doing and being?

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Well, I could try for, What makes you feel happy, but I sense you'll just say, I dunno. :-)

So, sweety, if you don't care what you do, why not try to be happy at art college? Maybe it isn't what you're doing, whether you're at home or at college. Maybe you need to get some help to look inside of you, where the unhappy is living, right now. Shoosh out into the street through the open door, so to speak. :-)

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i have tried to be happy at art college.

i tried to be happy today and it didn't work.

but i kinda know why now i think..

my therapy lady says the reason i hate college is because the tutors here are so critical of everyone's work and i don't like that because it reminds me of ykw.

and i don't think that's going to change.

how can i look inside of me where the unhappy is living?

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I know you've tried, sweety. I just think maybe there's other stuff to try. The thought I had was, first look for where the effort needs to be made, then try to figure out what kind of effort.

I agree that there's way too much criticism in your life right now, and you have to ping-pong back and forth with no relief in between. One thing that can change is how you react to criticism, though. For instance, once I realized that my wife was going to be critical no matter what, and that it was her problem, not mine, it no longer mattered when she did it.

But I'm not a therapist; I don't really know what to do, specifically, to find happiness, or remove unhappiness.

One thing that often helps me, with strong emotion, is to take deep calming breaths, or if I have a bit more time, to meditate, which is the same thing only deeper and longer. If you can clear out all the thoughts and feelings, for just a short time, it helps you not to feel so overwhelmed. It's a way to avoid confusing your thoughts and your feelings.

For instance, you often say "I'm sad because I'm stupid." Those are completely separate things. You feel sad, so you start thinking of reasons. You have to let yourself feel your feelings, and then let them go. I bet you can do that with unhappiness, for instance. Especially the "letting it go" part, because really, why would you want to keep unhappiness around? ;-)

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Sleep has its good points. :-)

But sleeping instead of living is a bit of a waste, I think.

I'm just a bit stuck, just like you said.

So you can see, I'm not as wise for myself as I sound when I talk to others. :-P

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