i don't even know what to write about right now.. i'm tired of complaining about how crappy my life is...i should just learn to accept that things are the way they are and get on with my life. there are lots of people worse off than me so i really shouldn't whine about how bad my life is because it could be a lot worse. maybe i'll try be more positive from now on. that might help! i think i just need to get into the right frame of mind and then everything will be ok. i need to figure out how to talk more in therapy. i dunno why it's so hard. remember how i was talking about how my brain blocks things out? well it happens A LOT when i'm in therapy. like for example my therapy lady might ask how things were at home at the weekend and i might tell her that ykw was angry at me. then she'll ask what exactly did ykw say to me and i won't be able to answer. it happens every time. it feels as if i'm suffering from memory loss but in a weird sorta way because i know it's stored in my brain somewhere, i just can't seem to reach it. i dunno what's wrong with my stupid head. maybe it's from drinking too much alcohol.. maybe i've popped all my brain cells!!!! or maybe it's because of that time i accidently inhaled super glue. anyway i'm not sure what exactly is happening. i think my brain just blocks out anything it doesn't like the sounds of and then i have no access to it unless i have the magic password. something like that..
then there's the "invisibility problem". no wonder i can't seem to make friends in college. it's because i accidently become invisible. i don't mean it and i do mean it.. part of me wants to make friends because i feel lonely a lot and i know if i had proper friends in college i'd probably be a lot happier, but i've been feeling so sad lately, i don't have the energy to socialise so i don't talk to anyone and then they forget i'm there. my therapy lady says i also feel as if everything i have to say is not important enough to say out loud. i suppose that's true. i feel so self conscious when i have to talk to someone and i worry that they won't like me. sometimes it's easier to just not talk.. i'm trying to seperate my thoughts right now. it's kinda hard because they're tangled up inside me.
i'm having a lot of trouble keeping up with my college work too and it's all due up soon so i'm kinda screwed. i really have been trying but it's kinda like the whole not talking to people thing.. i just feel there's no point in even trying because my work is nowhere near as good as anyone else's. there's no encouragement from the tutors either. it's all criticism. a lot of people seem to respond well to criticism but not me. i get enough of that at home i don't need it in college aswel.
another thing that happens to me is that i feel guilty a lot.especially when i talk about and complain about my family here. i feel bad because they sometimes do nice things for me too!! i just seem to focus on the bad things more.. i should just be glad to have a family and make the most of it. i kinda feel like i'm betraying them by being here.i spend more time here than i do with them and i kinda feel like i'm hiding from them instead of trying to fix things. i don't really feel like i have a proper life anymore..
oh yikes i think i'll just leave it at that for now...i said i'd stop complaining and i ended up writing a lonnnnnnnnnnng complaint. hmmmm,