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Newbie asking for some advice [TRIGGER ALERT concerning SPS]


MrsA
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So I just posted this into the new forum section but I feel that it should be here...

So I’m 31 years old and recently got married. I had been happily married for 7 months now and apart from financial struggles and my issue we are really happy with each other. My problem is that I keep thinking about how unhappy I’m about his penies’ size. I mean I knew it and really thought I could deal with it and adjust like I have, but I keep having dreams about exes or just wishing it was what I really like. He is great in bed, a very pleasant lover and in fact the second man that I can actually orgasm with. 

 

I feel ashamed to even feel this way because he is been a blessing to me. He is aware to some sort that he wasn’t my type and that I prefer a larger size but he was willing to show me he was enough and indeed he has but I still feel that I missed what I used to like. He even bought toys and things to try to please me. He tried an extender but I felt uncomfortable because I felt as if I was having sex with someone else. Just to give you a little more info. I was exposed to porn at an very early age so that set the bar kind of high for me, and since i started experimenting with sex I  always prefer thick and 7-8 inches, 6 was tops for me in terms of how low i was willing to go. At some point when I wasn’t this mature it was a total deal breaker for me. I’m a big and thick girl and having a man with a big size was just like common sense to me. But once things got serious I decided to choose happiness and love over looks and size. That’s how I convinced myself. I felt guilty letting him go just for his size. In fact I did broke up with him about 3 times for the same issue but we will go back and try again and things would get easier. My husbands hides inside of him completely when Is not erected, which freaks me out,  and with an erection is 3 - 4 tops in good days. It’s not thick but not thin either is fine. What would be your advise? Should I seek profesional help? Thanks for your time. 

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I don't really see how any kind of help can rectify the issue, you like a big penis, he has a small penis, talking about the problem won't fix that and that's just how it is

No need to feel guilty about it, people like what they like, but you need to understand that the average size is something like 5.6x4.8, and in refusing to go around the average length you're limiting yourself severely in terms of possible partners because of the size of their penis, on the other hand, you like what you like and there's nothing wrong with that, it's up to you if you feel the compromise is worth it and from what I've read here I don't believe you think it's worth it

Whatever you decide don't feel guilty about it

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First of all, please put [TRIGGER ALERT] in the subject line. Reading stuff like this can be very triggering for us smaller guys, some of whom may be borderline suicidal.

That said, i can actually relate. I've had my own issues being with women who aren't exactly what i want, physically, sexually, etc. It's hard to know what to do when you really have feelings for the person.

The best advice i can give you is DON'T GET PREGNANT. LOL. But really you need to search your soul... not the soul you think you should have, but who you really are, flaws and all, and find out how important size is to you really, how that fact is affecting and will continue to affect your marriage, and what you can do about it short of leaving him.

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@Lodz omg I have no idea. How do I even edit to to add the tittle? I will figure it out. By all means my goal is not to make anyone feel bad about it in fact is a pretty sensible topic as it for me. 

Besides the mix emotions you did made me laugh with the don’t get pregnant lol.. we had been trying actually  but it hasn’t happened yet. In God’s time. Thanks so much I will follow your advice. I could relate to what you said. Truly do. My goal is not lo leave him for it but to work it out with myself and stop feeling like I need it that way to be fullfilled. Sometimes I will say to myself that it will be impossible to find it all in one man but I know being 100% honest that it’s a way to make me feel better about it. What did you man in your last sentence?

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49 minutes ago, MrsA said:

How do I even edit to to add the tittle? I will figure it out.

It's a job of the forum moderators. Lodz's idea was very good and I'm sorry I hadn't done it sooner :( ... I'd been worried about all the possible impacts your problem would have on those suffering from lack of confidence (and worse) due to their size, but it''s been hard to imagine how to prevent it. At the same time, I think that if they understand you well, they shouldn't feel "more bad", because you want to make the relationship work and thus prove once again to them that they, too, may have a satisfying marriage, but the problem is many of them will/would interpret it all (which is not your fault, of course!) just they way their "obsession" and/or their bad experiences make them interpret almost everything concerning their size: As yet another "proof" they are not "good enough" :( .

That said, I still think it's good that you searched for a place where you could communicate your feelings, dilemmas, and worries. As you said, it's better to 'vent' and analyse the issue (at a safe place like an online forum) than to keep it all to yourself and feel overwhelmed by your emotions. 

To your problem, I would say that it's not particularly different from what probably most/all people experience in relationships, including marriage: Nobody is "perfect", so there are always things we have to learn to accept / like / tolerate. To many/some of us, considering 'the size' of your husband "a flaw" sounds absurd and incredible, but then I can imagine you'd consider absurd some "complaints" of others about their partners. 

I would recommend, for instance, some videos or articles of The school/book of life, like:

https://youtu.be/jltM5qYn25w

https://youtu.be/pICXY_6p45o 

https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/category/relationships/

 

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@MrsA I just meant be honest with yourself about what you need to be happy and fulfilled. If his size is disappointing but you can live with it, do that. If part of you will always want a bigger man and you might cheat on him down the road, end it now before it's too late. At 31 hopefully you know enough about yourself that you can analyze yourself realistically. It can be hard to be honest with yourself though.

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re you sure is purely physicall or do you think it has a part of symbolism. Big penis have more flesh but also have "a psychological meaning".

You kind of suggest it talking about early exposure to porn. How could that modify your physical ideal or minimum size? But maybe generated a fascination or desire for big penises that affects your arousal and excitation. I also say this because if it was just physical size what would be the problem with the extender, or what would be the problem if you are having orgasms. Or why would his flaccid matter... I don't know, but it seems there is more than flesh in and out in all this.

You have to realize that, and therefore if it's possible you stay together. Otherwise don't make him go through all this.

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I don't think that he would want to be with you if he knew that you felt this way (and imo it's unfair for him to not know), so I think you're just incompatible; you disliking his dick is as unattractive to him as his dick is to you. I can guarantee you that, and I don't think any man should be in such a relationship. There's a sort of betrayal in not letting your partner know you're not physically attracted to them. It's not fair to either party. Not attacking you, just being honest.

If both of your true feelings were bare on the table I don't think it would work, and it's disgusting to me that so many men are in relationships with women who secretly don't appreciate their genitals. Men want that appreciation as much as you want sexual satisfaction, and even if he's not aware that he isn't getting it I believe there is something just fundamentally fucked up about relationships like yours. He's also being denied something, not just you.

Imagine finding out that he secretly doesn't like big girls and hates your figure, wishes you looked like an ex. Would you want to erase your memory and go back to the illusion of self-esteem, or move on and find self worth with a true and real foundation?

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I don't agree with the previous post in general, although there is some true in it - for some kinds of lies and for resentment. It dismisses all the good aspects of the relationship and makes just one (very probably only temporary!) concern much important than anything else.

If you don't always like something about your partner, it doesn't mean you hate it, nor that you won't ever (perhaps even soon!) learn to genuinely like it! And destroying a relationship that may be the best that you can ever have, just because of refusing to overcome some (relatively minor!) dislike sounds... well, you may add your own adjective.

Here is an article about lies in relationships that, among other things, distinguishes between big and small lies:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/200910/do-relationships-need-lies-survive

I would say: Ask yourself if not telling him (= not hurting him) about this issue is a BIG lie in your opinion and then decide appropriately. ;) 

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Who cares what size the disrespectful, pride-undercutting lies are. It'd be different if she said that sex isn't good with him; that would leave room for improvement and hope. Plenty of women prefer larger penises and remember them fondly, but claim that their smaller partner satisfies them enough that they're okay with missing out a little. That's still shitty, but it's a thousand degrees better than this. She orgasms with him and likes the sex, even enjoys his penis, and it's still not enough for her to not long for exes so strongly that she's considered professional help. Sounds like a recipe for long term sexual frustration and resentment to me. At least, that's what a lot of women would tell you themselves if you posed this question on one of their forums; I've read this scenario a million times.

He did everything right and he still feels wrong. There's no real reason to believe these feelings are temporary. It's also possible that they will abate, but I see less evidence for that. It's this kind of secrecy that makes it impossible for men to trust any reassuring words that women have to say about smaller sizes. It's toxic and wrong on general principle. No man should be with a woman who is "freaked out" by his dick. It's downright insulting. And yes, I am "triggered," especially by truth so harsh it half sounds like trolling.

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I think there are two types of good sex, generally speaking. One type is an intense gratification of lust, and the other is about the intimate romantic connection. I think @MrsA is saying she has the second type of good sex with her husband, but that she misses the first type, which she had with former lovers. I think some people need both, but many only need the intimate kind, particularly if they haven't been exposed to the intense "naughty" kind before pairing off for eternity. MrsA might be struggling to determine which she is.

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I think it's normal to feel some lust for others, including exes, even when you're in a satisfying relationship. Monogamy is a social construct and not all the way in line with human nature. If you need a partner who never has fantasies about anyone else, you're destined for loneliness and disappointment. 

But if those fantasies become uncontrollable, then that's going to lead to frustration and maybe cheating. I've been on both sides of that fence and it wasn't the end of the world, but there can be a lot of pain there.

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Big penises are desirable to women, wives, straight men, gay men, athletes, etc, etc. No man with a big one would voluntarily trade it for a smaller one, even if it were possible. One can either accept the reality of a small dick and live life as best as possible (or total avoidance if they are financially independent), or one can live in rage and hate and envy and eventually go mad and/or self destruct. The day a non-invasive, medically approved enhancement method is invented will be the day everyone's problems are solved because it will be the age of free energy, creatio ex nihilo. It will imply a paradigm shift in biology and medicine. MrsA has demonstrated that men with big penises will always possess more sexual capital than the rest of us no matter how hard we work at it...so what's the point. It's unfair, but that's life. Everything about life is unfair, and it's sure as fuck not a gift. 

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18 hours ago, Klingsor said:

Big penises are desirable to women, wives, straight men, gay men, athletes, etc, etc. No man with a big one would voluntarily trade it for a smaller one, even if it were possible. One can either accept the reality of a small dick and live life as best as possible (or total avoidance if they are financially independent), or one can live in rage and hate and envy and eventually go mad and/or self destruct. The day a non-invasive, medically approved enhancement method is invented will be the day everyone's problems are solved because it will be the age of free energy, creatio ex nihilo. It will imply a paradigm shift in biology and medicine. MrsA has demonstrated that men with big penises will always possess more sexual capital than the rest of us no matter how hard we work at it...so what's the point. It's unfair, but that's life. Everything about life is unfair, and it's sure as fuck not a gift. 

Which proves it's not a purely physical thing like we use to read in justifications about not wanting a small penis.

Vagina and anus have practically nothing in common and still the gay men generally are fascinated by them.

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On 5/29/2018 at 10:12 PM, Klingsor said:

MrsA has demonstrated that men with big penises will always possess more sexual capital than the rest of us no matter how hard we work at it

One example has "demonstrated" that something is true in general??? Even when you know several examples, there are still numerous exceptions that disprove your conclusion. 

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  • 4 months later...

I know it's certainly not conventional.....

You sound very much like my wife and I. She is beautiful, gorgeous, smoking hot and sexy and the absolute love of my life. I can't imagine her not being in it.

I am by far the smallest penis she has ever had, and I knew it before she admitted it. We started with lots and lots of oral by me on her which I don't mind in the least and we still continue over 20 years later. I am capable of physically satisfying her sexually more often then not and when not then after I've finished I resume more of that oral on her that I don't mind in the least. We started using toys and extenders and sleeves, and larger toys and extenders and sleeves...all of which, fingers, toes, tongues and toys will never be a permanent substitute for the real thing, especially for a woman who's experienced larger men. The second smallest man my wife has ever been with is in the OP's "preferred range" and she's experienced larger then that.

I accept that there is nothing I can do expect prolong the inevitable...she's always going to desire, and want to experience what a larger man can provide her that I can't. So I turn to fingers and toes and tongues and toys to prolong it, but I know and accept and she knows and informs me when she going to go and get that itch scratched.

 

I don't suggest this lightly, or even as a solution to your problem. But it is something you need to consider, what are ALL the possibilities, and then MOST IMPORTANTLY you need to discuss how you feel and what you need with your husband and determine WITH HIM how you both want to proceed forward, even if it is proceeding separately. To decide you can't continue as is without giving him a say in what he's willing to change, to make that decision without him is to tell him and me that you never truly loved him to begin with. If you love him you work on this together and come to a decision together.

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