seeking advice

[Bob16]

Since June of 2014 I have lived as a hermit shut in. Seldom going out and almost never interacting with folk outside my family. My phobia of people got bad during that last year of school, I had always had this phobia but I managed it well but some sort of shift happened and it got bad. I live with my Father and two of my brothers. both of which work and have gone to school. I have grown to hate them.

 

During these years it was a rollercoaster of ups and downs of me trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle which I found difficult living in an isolated state. I had distracted myself with video games, porn, and food. But to many games I played and I damaged my finger RSI or something, and after watching enough porn I found myself rather disgusted with it but it's clear that some form of an addiction of it has formed. I think that finding porn at a young age contributed to the development of my social anxiety. It was always worse around women and just thinking back to the shit I watched when I was so young makes me sick to my stomach. As for food

that is one department I have made good healthy strides in.

 

But here is the thing. I am 23 now and I've never really had a job, my mental and physical health are in ruin. (I am very underweight, my posture/body alignment is awful, finger is damaged ect.) How can I possibly come back from this and even if I could is it really worth it? After missing out on so much, missing out on things that only now I can see i've missed.

 

I have become the exact opposite of what I could have ever wanted in this life.  And so being a 23 year old man living in such a state it is no surprise that I want it to be over. I could wait till morning when they go off to work, take my brothers rifle lay down a plastic tarp in my room, and shoot myself in the heart point blank range with a mosin nagant and it could finally be over.  That is one option and even the thought of it brings me relief.

 

Another choice is to gtfo of dodge and become a homeless man. But that is a gamble, my health is bad and I am relying on my body kicking into survival mode to get around my anxieties. So you can argue that well if you're dead anyway might as well go be homeless but....that is likely to cause the same thing only with some added suffering.

 

I don't want anyone reading this to feel bad for me. But maybe some advice or other options. If I am to kill myself I should like it to come from a place of peace rather than emotional torment. So if I do go that route know that I will die in peace.

 

[malign]

Hi Bob, I'm sorry to hear you're suffering so much.  I hope you'll give yourself some time before going with an irreversible decision.

I'm interested in your phobia of people; could you talk about that, more?  It doesn't apply to your family, it seems.  Did something happen to cause it?  What are you afraid will happen?  Since we're people, I assume that it would require us to meet in person?

Recluse or homeless, or dead.  Seems like there might be some other options -- treatment or self-help for your phobia comes to mind.  You said that being homeless would be like dying only with more suffering.  What if, though it might take even more effort/suffering, you could actually live?

[Bob16]

I'll give it one last try

[LaLa]

Hey, Bob, how have you been doing lately?

I've just seen this video and it reminded me of you, mainly some comments under it. Perhaps it might be insightful for you to watch and then read them (although some are stupid, so don't mind those!):

From the comment section:

Quote

I’m a 20 year old from Texas. I never went to school, or really had any friends... and I’ve spent since I was 17 working various jobs trying to find something I enjoyed and could move up in... finally, after so much pressure from my family and stress from my job... I tried to end it. I was fired from my job and forced to leave my home and move back in with my parents. I haven’t left my house a lot since then. What people don’t seem to understand, is that this could happen to anyone. I’m constantly told I’m lazy or I don’t have enough motivation, but the real problem is I have a new found fear of people. No one realizes that this is how most people in my situation feel. It’s so easy to get a phone and spend your time attempting to escape reality... or to play video games, or to read books or whatever you so choose to do. The lack of motivation to have any human contact can be crushing. It’s a very lonely existence. That being said, I am still trying to find a way where I can be a somewhat productive member of society. I’m just trying to do this without having to actually rejoin that society I mentioned.

One of the replies:

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Hey, i read your story and i truly wish you all the best in life. You might have had bad experiences with some bad people but there are also good people that genuinely care for strangers and for humanity as a whole 😊 Little steps are better than no steps at all and that is something to be proud of 😊

Or:

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The hikikomori problem is definitely a disease of affluence. Poor or working class parents simply could not afford to keep allowing a non-physically or mentally disabled adult child to remain at home indefinitely, bringing in no income, paying them nothing for his room and board and doing nothing to help out around the house. Obviously these people have serious psychological issues that need to be addressed with compassion, but if they hadn't been born into an affluent family and society they would be out in the world now, for better or worse. The first young man interviewed says "society is tough on the weak." Yes it is, always had been and probably always will be, but the healthiest response to that is to try to become stronger, not to hide yourself away. I'm speaking as someone who has struggled with depression and anxiety my whole adult life, and there have been times when I have literally had to force myself to go out, because I know that not doing it just makes everything worse. Depression feeds off itself and the only way to defeat it is to not let it win.

Or:

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If you are a hikikomori, please do not give up on people. Sometimes people are just afraid to reach out first. Other times people may say things they dont mean or truly think because they have other issues affecting them in their life. If you are one because you are depressed, please try to love yourself and know that the only reason people may not be able to help is because they may not know who you are. You have to make that reach to others for help by extending your hand first and opening up. If you are one because of shame, know that all humans make mistakes big and small, yet life carries on. One bad deed may not be forgotten, but it does not have to define who you are. Please do not give up on the world, and know that no matter how cruel life can be, is that every little stretch brings good things so long as you put in the time, patience, and effort. It is true that I may not know who you are or what your story is. It may be true that I have no possible way to really know the circumstances that played out in your life. But I know one thing; no one should have to dread the outside world so badly and yet suffer in silence while you are alone. I do not know any of you that may need help, but I do know that I love my fellow human and want them to succeed and live in peaceful unity with one another. Take back your life and make memories, friends, and love. Reach for the stars and give it your all.

I hope it feels at least a bit good, knowing that there are many people who do understand and care...

Take care and good luck!!!

[Daveuk]

Just another option for you. If you in the us have a tried a celebrate.recovery group from your local church