Mixed Maniac episodes

[Lilly]

Im actually having a real hard time, its been some months im on the maniac phase but sometimes it gets mixed, when i feel down and low. I have been into not so hard crisis but its been two weeks that im compulsively touching myself over and over. Im eating a lot, i feel empty and im not being productive. Sometimes i distract myself and try tp get over it but its not working anymore. I just moved and i feel like this is not my place. Im trembling all the time, and i want to cry. I feel like im going to explode at any moment and i start feeling suffocated, in panic. I feel guilty, everything is a mess i want to end all this. I spend most part of the day euphoric but there's times i feel the panic taking over. I cant cry, i cant ask for help and i dont have money to pay for a doctor. These times i just wish i could end this shit. Im hurting myself. I dont want to live life like this. everyone's too busy to pay attention. I try to tell, but the words dont come out, i feel like they're gonna judge me or think im stupid and want attention. I have some psychosis issues and im constantly paranoid, im trying so hard to do something else that make this get easier but i still feel like i need to talk with someone. Im always giving attention to everyone but i feel like they dont care, maybe im suffocating them and that's why they're leaving? Im alone, all the time. And its heavy. Too heavy to hold, and i still take care of other people. Im loosing control, i keep repeating things to myself that doesnt even make sense, like it wasnt me, i hate this voice. Sometimes i harsh myself in hope that this gives me some kind of relief but nothing works. I wanted to exercise bc i know it helps on anxiety, sleep, mind, health etc, but i cant start, i feel tired all the time, my body is always sleepy, amd when i get the energy to do it i spend it touching myself and feeling bad after that. I used to take remedies last year but they made me got worst, i still have my medication for crisis but its kinda strong for me and i know that if i take it i will sleep, and get lower the next day, and i will feel guilty and more lazy than i already am. Please, im drowning, help me

[Victimorthecrime]

@Lilly  I wish I knew what to tell you. I have experienced awful episodes myself.  Why do you think this is happening?  
Remember you don’t have to be productive all the time.  You are a human being not a human doing.  

[Lilly]

Just by answering its already awesome, really thank you. I don't really know why, but i know how they come. Everytime im uncomfortable, when something happens, it can be a lil thing but it hits me like a train.Thank you very much for the words. ♡

[LaLa]

Hi, Lilly, welcome!  

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad and feel stuck in these problems  . The most important thing I would suggest is to find a good psychiatrist. (Even though your current medication doesn't seem to be good for you, it should be possible to find the right one for you. Sometimes one has to try several medications (taking each for several weeks of months) before knowing what works. It's frustrating, but it's a long-term solution and I think it's worth it.) But as you say you cannot afford a doctor ,  I don't know if mentioning it is even worth it. But perhaps you'll find some affordable option you don't yet know about... (?)

I've tried to find some helpful advises on the web, perhaps you'll find here something new that you could try:

https://www.healthline.com/health/bipolar-disorder/mania#coping-with-mania

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/bipolar-disorder/living-with-bipolar-disorder.htm

https://www.healthlinkbc.ca/health-topics/ty6584

Also, this seems to be quite a big issue:

17 hours ago, Lilly said:

Im always giving attention to everyone but i feel like they dont care, maybe im suffocating them and that's why they're leaving? Im alone, all the time. And its heavy. Too heavy to hold, and i still take care of other people.

I know it's not just a simple decision to change your priorities and behaviour and self-esteem, but I also know it's possible to make even such big changes (= start caring more about yourself, not overly trying to care for others, ...); it takes time and... professional help from a psychotherapist can be of huge help (I know; it's probably too expensive, but, please, check if there really aren't any affordable / free therapists (AND / OR a peer-support group or another kind of organisation helping people with mental illness!) where you live - sometimes you just don't know about it / them!).

Here are some suggestions of reading about the topic:

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/why-put-ourselves-last-why-self-care-priority/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201401/why-we-help-others-instead-ourselves

https://www.terricole.com/the-danger-of-caring-about-others-more-than-yourself/

and The Book of life in general, for instance:

https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/self-love/

https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/category/self-knowledge/mood/

Good luck and keep posting!

 

 

[Lilly]

Oh my god, thank you so much for the words and links i will read everything for sure and try to find if there's some organization or at least an affordable therapist. Im really glad you answered me, this is really helpful. Thank you a lot! 😊♡

[LaLa]

You're welcome, Lilly! I hope (seeing your enthusiasm  ) I didn't give you some wrong impression that those articles will change everything for better. Healing is a long and complicated process. But I want you to know there are ressources like these (and surely many others - you can google even some more specific problems of yours) that can bring some useful hints, some guidance, clarifications, ... And I wish you to find them and put them into practice for your own good. You're worth it, you need and will get better, even if it probably sounds too hard to imagine to you, for the moment.

Take care!