Now divorcing after wife had multiple affairs over my SPS

[Toosmallforcomfort]

4 hours ago, KlingBro said:

Has she ever come directly out and said your dick was too small or was it always just beating around the bush?

It wasn't til she started seeing her current bf and I was extremely pissed that I just found out about her year and a half long affair during a therapy visit that I knew nothing about.  "You are a little man, ****, in more ways than one..." Little man comment continued for awhile, but now we really don't talk about anything but the kids.

I've mentioned this before, but years ago when I was a resident, we had friends over and played some sort of an adult game where the question that was posed to my wife as we were playing in teams was, "What have lied about or faked to your spouse?"  She said orgasms, which brought laughter.  Of course I played along with it and she said she was kidding, but the damage was done.

Four years ago, after her two affairs I knew about, we went to couples counseling once, and soon after that she told me that she no longer had interest in sex with me.  Another blow.

[JOHNSON CAMPBELL]

I am sorry about the things you had to go through. You could have allowed her to have sexual relations with other males. That being said, I see your point about being jealous of your wife having multiple sexual partners. Once you rejected to allow her to have multiple sex partners, and once you guys have decided to break up, she essentially said this:

 "I PUT MORE WEIGHT INTO HAVING A BIGGER PENIS PENETRATE MY VAGINA."

We can never know if her preference structure is a wrong one. We always make decisions in our lives in a very complicated way. She now prefers larger penis. That is it, period.

 

What would I do?

 

I WOULD ALLOW HER TO HAVE MULTIPLE SEXUAL PARTNERS AS LONG AS:

1) SHE DOESN'T DO IT IN MY HOUSE

2) SHE DOESN'T TALK ABOUT IT

3) SHE DOESN'T INVEST IN OTHER MALES TO THE EXTENT THAT SHE IS FOREGOING MY KIDS AND THE HARMONY OF OUR HOUSEHOLD.

 

If things would have gotten so bad for me emotionally. Only then I would give a her two options:

EITHER STOP HAVING MULTIPLE SEXUAL PARTNERS OR GET OUT OF MY DAILY LIFE.

The latter would entail divorce. The former would entail very weird dynamics in the relationship. Either way, it might just be that divorce was the best option all along.

 

[Wayless]

50 minutes ago, JOHNSON CAMPBELL said:

I am sorry about the things you had to go through. You could have allowed her to have sexual relations with other males. That being said, I see your point about being jealous of your wife having multiple sexual partners. Once you rejected to allow her to have multiple sex partners, and once you guys have decided to break up, she essentially said this:

 "I PUT MORE WEIGHT INTO HAVING A BIGGER PENIS PENETRATE MY VAGINA."

We can never know if her preference structure is a wrong one. We always make decisions in our lives in a very complicated way. She now prefers larger penis. That is it, period.

 

What would I do?

 

I WOULD ALLOW HER TO HAVE MULTIPLE SEXUAL PARTNERS AS LONG AS:

1) SHE DOESN'T DO IT IN MY HOUSE

2) SHE DOESN'T TALK ABOUT IT

3) SHE DOESN'T INVEST IN OTHER MALES TO THE EXTENT THAT SHE IS FOREGOING MY KIDS AND THE HARMONY OF OUR HOUSEHOLD.

 

If things would have gotten so bad for me emotionally. Only then I would give a her two options:

EITHER STOP HAVING MULTIPLE SEXUAL PARTNERS OR GET OUT OF MY DAILY LIFE.

The latter would entail divorce. The former would entail very weird dynamics in the relationship. Either way, it might just be that divorce was the best option all along.

 

Seems to me TooSmallforComfort has admitted the marriage was a mistake and mismatch from the beginning.  She was very sexual experienced and he was not.  She was conforming to family expectations of an economic status marriage, but was too sexually oriented for that to work in this case.  He was too inexperience to know what was happening.  Actually, I should let "toosmallforcomfort" speak for himself.

[Toosmallforcomfort]

On 1/7/2020 at 6:00 AM, JOHNSON CAMPBELL said:

I am sorry about the things you had to go through. You could have allowed her to have sexual relations with other males. That being said, I see your point about being jealous of your wife having multiple sexual partners. Once you rejected to allow her to have multiple sex partners, and once you guys have decided to break up, she essentially said this:

 "I PUT MORE WEIGHT INTO HAVING A BIGGER PENIS PENETRATE MY VAGINA."

We can never know if her preference structure is a wrong one. We always make decisions in our lives in a very complicated way. She now prefers larger penis. That is it, period.

 

What would I do?

 

I WOULD ALLOW HER TO HAVE MULTIPLE SEXUAL PARTNERS AS LONG AS:

1) SHE DOESN'T DO IT IN MY HOUSE

2) SHE DOESN'T TALK ABOUT IT

3) SHE DOESN'T INVEST IN OTHER MALES TO THE EXTENT THAT SHE IS FOREGOING MY KIDS AND THE HARMONY OF OUR HOUSEHOLD.

 

If things would have gotten so bad for me emotionally. Only then I would give a her two options:

EITHER STOP HAVING MULTIPLE SEXUAL PARTNERS OR GET OUT OF MY DAILY LIFE.

The latter would entail divorce. The former would entail very weird dynamics in the relationship. Either way, it might just be that divorce was the best option all along.

 

 

On 1/7/2020 at 6:55 AM, uptight outasight said:

Seems to me TooSmallforComfort has admitted the marriage was a mistake and mismatch from the beginning.  She was very sexual experienced and he was not.  She was conforming to family expectations of an economic status marriage, but was too sexually oriented for that to work in this case.  He was too inexperience to know what was happening.  Actually, I should let "toosmallforcomfort" speak for himself.

 Both of you are generally correct from your interpretation from my posts.  

Johnson, my decision after knowing of her second affair, whose penis size I did not know,  was to allow, per her request, to leave at most nights and come back the next day to keep the family unit intact. Kids were 10 and 7 at the time.  He was married with similar children ages with a wife and children in a different state. I became exceeding jealous when she went for a weekend to meet his parents out of state.   I begged, pleaded, bought her loads of expensive shit that I'm too embarrassed to divulge here and convinced her to stay. She stayed and agreed to counseling, etc.  We went once to a therapist, she didn't like him, and did not want go to therapy again.  Within a year, she told me she did want to have sex with me any more. I became depressed, started to drink, and withdrew from her.   Then she had an affair without me knowing about it for 1.5 years and he broke it off.  Then 3 months ago, my 14 year old daughter and I got kicked out of the house, and within a week, she was traveling 1.5 hours away to see her bf.  She calls me a "little man in so many ways", "and that she thinks she was my beard". No doubt that a certain type/quality of sex is what she desired and I was not able to perform.  Now, I'm not proud of all this.  But you are right, divorce, no matter what, was the only option for me and I filed on my birthday.  She told me multiple times she would never file for divorce.  BTW she first asked for a divorce nearly 14 years ago at her brother's wedding.

Now to uptight's comment...  I agree with everything you said, but for one. I had my doubts from the beginning given her self expressed " bf experience",  but I didn't feel it was a mistake at the time.  I thought that I could overcome my sexually inadequacy issues with someone that seemed to support confidence in me.  No doubt I was marrying up in the looks department. Think of a George Costanza type and a shorter Lucy Liu.  Plus, I was riding high in self, nonsexual confidence at the moment from other things that were going on, i.e., med school, fellowship, job, etc. I thought I found someone that could "fix" me.  Didn't work out that way.

 

 

[Toosmallforcomfort]

In case you were wondering, my current mindset on relationships is nonexistent.  I have zero intimate confidence at the moment.  I'm focusing on my children and my job which are everything to me right now.  She tells me she forgives me and wants to be friends, all knowing that she will get a multi-seven figure payout in a few months and monthly alimony, including half time child support, in the top 1% of income earners tax free. BTW, she does not work.  I'm in no mood to have that kind of relationship with her, but only as the mother of my children.

[JOHNSON CAMPBELL]

13 hours ago, Toosmallforcomfort said:

 

 Both of you are generally correct from your interpretation from my posts.  

Johnson, my decision after knowing of her second affair, whose penis size I did not know,  was to allow, per her request, to leave at most nights and come back the next day to keep the family unit intact. Kids were 10 and 7 at the time.  He was married with similar children ages with a wife and children in a different state. I became exceeding jealous when she went for a weekend to meet his parents out of state.   I begged, pleaded, bought her loads of expensive shit that I'm too embarrassed to divulge here and convinced her to stay. She stayed and agreed to counseling, etc.  We went once to a therapist, she didn't like him, and did not want go to therapy again.  Within a year, she told me she did want to have sex with me any more. I became depressed, started to drink, and withdrew from her.   Then she had an affair without me knowing about it for 1.5 years and he broke it off.  Then 3 months ago, my 14 year old daughter and I got kicked out of the house, and within a week, she was traveling 1.5 hours away to see her bf.  She calls me a "little man in so many ways", "and that she thinks she was my beard". No doubt that a certain type/quality of sex is what she desired and I was not able to perform.  Now, I'm not proud of all this.  But you are right, divorce, no matter what, was the only option for me and I filed on my birthday.  She told me multiple times she would never file for divorce.  BTW she first asked for a divorce nearly 14 years ago at her brother's wedding.

Now to uptight's comment...  I agree with everything you said, but for one. I had my doubts from the beginning given her self expressed " bf experience",  but I didn't feel it was a mistake at the time.  I thought that I could overcome my sexually inadequacy issues with someone that seemed to support confidence in me.  No doubt I was marrying up in the looks department. Think of a George Costanza type and a shorter Lucy Liu.  Plus, I was riding high in self, nonsexual confidence at the moment from other things that were going on, i.e., med school, fellowship, job, etc. I thought I found someone that could "fix" me.  Didn't work out that way.

 

 

It seems that you did everything you could.

 

12 hours ago, Toosmallforcomfort said:

In case you were wondering, my current mindset on relationships is nonexistent.  I have zero intimate confidence at the moment.  I'm focusing on my children and my job which are everything to me right now.  She tells me she forgives me and wants to be friends, all knowing that she will get a multi-seven figure payout in a few months and monthly alimony, including half time child support, in the top 1% of income earners tax free. BTW, she does not work.  I'm in no mood to have that kind of relationship with her, but only as the mother of my children.

This is not an unproductive attitude to your life at the moment. I suggest that you stay out of intimate relationships for a while and continue raising your children the best way you can. When couples divorce and say that they will continue to be friends, it never really works out. You are right to see her as "the mother of my children" and that's it.

 

To sum up: your attitude is productive, keep working hard (as long as you love your job) and raise the perfect children that you can.