(may trigger) bad thougts to SI

[mscat]

For me, it always becomes a bad time of the year, when the weather changes cooler, and my son is back in school .Because my son gone , it is difficult for me to feel ok about me, and their is this really strong desire to SI . for the last few years i've severely Si'ed around the same time of yr. Because of the holiday season comes up, I can't deal well the foster family who raised me, brings back so many issues inside me. The build up and desire to take it all out on myself becomes so strong, that I'll be numb or disconnected most of the day. + It is like I explode onto myself, the volcano erupts , and I actually end up Si'ing far worse then ever wanting to. More like in a impulsive, disconnect state of mind, which is the WORST kind of SI for me.

I've had my rituals on SI too, not as severe harming, but still bad enough to cause scars, and much pain. Weirdly it hurts a little, but then so much more later on when doing the ritual of SI.

yES, i'll feel the major SI , and yes, it snaps me back , the physical pain, I can take it though> But the consequences are huge . I aM taken back about the amount of damage incurred during the act of SI , because i do not mean to take it that far, it always happens, going to far , and then CCU , te first surgery , for the "fake skin" then the second surgery with my own skin taken from a different part of my body> GROSS, GROSS , GROSS. Yes, I am aware of how destructive this is, and can write about it, when nOT in that state of mind>

I realise how bad it really was after the fact . just say to the DR's it was not a suicidal thing. That is how I stay free to go home. Burn center knows me , outpatient and inpatient, yep, it is humilating to se the same staff again .But, it is not something thought about until there, and seing the same nurses, over , shit, yeah I fucked up again, and again here .

even so, the pain of it all , does help me feel whole again, and better. Why does the physical pain better for me?

WHEN I can't stand hugs, or people near me ? It is all twisted. What is suppose to be good , and feel nice, like a hug, can end me reeling, it is vile , but to SI really badly and tolerate pain of this type helps me feel better ?

I don't get it, but just know this is how it is for me.

Welcome to my world. Maybe I really am an evil individual, or not a person at all, something else created, that is not human.

[Lie_low]

You are not evil. You’re human, and you’re a worthwhile person. :)You just don’t know your worth. Sometimes we need others to remind us of it. I know I do. Hang in there hun. Stay safe and know that we are here to listen if you need it.

[Guest FourAnchors]

MSCAT...I think I just learned more about SI than I ever would have/could have from a doctor of any kind. I don't SI, was reading out of interest though.Does it bother you if people ask questions? I tend to have much more faith in the words of a person going through pain than a person trying to tell me what someone else is feeling when they themselves don't know anything except what a book taught them...if that makes sense?

[finding my way]

Does holding ice cubes do anything for you, mscat?

[IrmaJean]

Do you feel that you deserve to be punished or treated poorly? Is it familiar and what you now expect? I don't know much about SI either, but was just contemplating some of what you'd written. Maybe knowing that you're worthy of love would be helpful in your accepting the joy and comfort of positive things such as hugs. I think also that it makes us feel useful as people when we're caring for others. Your son is at school, but I see a dog in your avatar. Is that your dog?

I hope that you will be gentle with yourself. You are not evil. You are definitely very human. I've seen your caring side in here and know that you have helped others. Maybe you could listen to your own healing voice and know how wise the words are. I hope you feel better.

[pokets]

Cathy.....

You are very much a human, and thats why u feel these strong emotions. You are not evil at all, even tho u may feel like it, u have helped me and so many others on here with yiour kind words and a understanding we dont get from many other places. I hope u can work thru these emotions, without the severe si, keep on writing here if it helps.

my thoughts are with u always

love jo

[malign]

Cathy,

I'm sorry the SI thoughts are coming back.

You mentioned once that part of the reason for doing it in the fall is so that you won't have to spend holidays with certain people.

Can you take that reason off the table, by simply telling those people that you will not be able to spend the holidays with them? Make up a reason, don't give them a reason, who cares; just get rid of that "reason", and as many of the others that you give yourself as you can.

And forgive me if you've already thought of the idea. ;-)

My problem-solving skills are oriented towards thinking, and this may not be a "thinking" thing. I just wish I could help.

You're in my thoughts.

Mark

[Donna]

Im sorry, ive no great words of advise or anything..other than to say i hope you get through this month the best you can and that your son enjoys his new school year.

I think maligns suggestion regarding the holidays is really worth thinking about.

Take care of yourself, Donna.

[mscat]

MSCAT...I think I just learned more about SI than I ever would have/could have from a doctor of any kind. I don't SI, was reading out of interest though.Does it bother you if people ask questions? I tend to have much more faith in the words of a person going through pain than a person trying to tell me what someone else is feeling when they themselves don't know anything except what a book taught them...if that makes sense?

FourAnchors,

it never bothers me if people ask questions. and want to familierize themselves mor about Self injury. Just keep in mind that some of the things I write about personally , regarding major self harm, most who Si do not take it to this extreme. However, may have the same emotions, or feeling tied up into Self harm. It is not all the same for everybody.

Cathy

[mscat]

Mark,

My family they have always presented themselves as so good, and wonderful. Extremely religious, upper middle class folks, who have more then enough income to live happily. The foster family who I am refferring to .

I can't lie to them, cause they would know I was lying .My son, he thinks the world of those people. ANd will "spill the beans" He is clueless, and wants to spend time with them. Makes it difficult , Ironically the "foster family" parents and all of them were so against me even having my child, Now they fall head over heals for him. It fucking sucks, they just want to see him , visit him, and talk to my child, BUT they have to get through me first .They really just want to spend time with my developmentally disabled ASD son. As nice as they are to them, my son is so impressionable.

The one person who I absolutely despise is Jean, foster parents/so called mother . Know relationship at all ever with that bitch, the abuser, the one who caused further harm . It sucks to reaslise that I was placed in this foster home, raised pretty much by them, BECAUSE of biological parents extreme abuse, separation from all my natural brothers, then to be put in a home where further absue continued .

I swear that If only I could blow her head off, I would not think twice about it .

Anyway, as it stands now I have no further connections with Jean, however during the holidays everyone it together, their is no getting away.

I have avoided them all together the last few yrs, by being too much in bad shape from self injury> Just one reason that I have learned from myself why SI is greater in the winter months. + it is so much easier to hide SI .I have a favorite light weight jacket I wear, perfect for , SI, I keep it away from my son , long sleeves, and the out of sight out of mind , works well for him.

Their is even more crap going on this yr. A supeana for a domestic violence case, I have to appear as a wittness, A speeding ticket that was not warrented, the asshole of a CHP ticketed me , and it was unjustified. I own up to my mistakes, I am not like that, it is when I know I was NOT speeding , and still was giving a citation that I am so pissed off about, + all financial probllems right now, + a birthday to contend with , mine. Not a reason to be happy about, because i'll be over 40 in a couple of weeks .Not the age that bothers me so much it is knowing how many years that I've been struggling with the same crap, the same illness, and even more issues then ever before.

LIfe is not beccoming sweeter with age, it is beccomming more sour.

And LIfe is beccoming a daily struggle to coninue on with.

Self harm is a near life savor for me, although it is playing Russion Rullet at the same time. Because a severe SI , can cause death, moreso from infectiom, I have already dealt with MRSA , before from the CCU . BUt it is worth the gamble.

To have the peace , tranquilty , even if it is at the expense of extreme pain, suffering the physical pain, to me has been a walk in the park, moreso then the other crap to deal with.

Afte ra major Si , time finally holds still .The focus is on the injuries , nothing else. Everything is on the back burner then, and In a morbid way, the intoxicating relief of a severe SI , is more longer lasting .

I assure all who reads this , I do not set myself on fire> I do something that is well equvilant to that. Chemical burns> allowing the chemicals to seep through the skin all the way , causing tissue death in a specific area of the body, pretty discusting, I know .

When I get in this frame of mind, I am dissassoative, and react impulsive too. This is why it goes out of control, even I surprise myself.

Hope I did not say too much about what happens . But, I'll say one more thing, I'd focus on a body part, then "burn it off" sort of, therfore, i have severe burn scars , On certain areas of myself. Last one it was on the Stamach area , ALL , I am a big person, so it was a lot . AT least noone sees that area .

But, one arm, wrist, forearm , fingers are the same way, that is what caused loss of mobilty in the hand, but the whole arm was not affected, so I tattooed the rest of my right arm .The left arm is scarred up from SI , in a different , lesser degree, burns. AND my left leg, fot area, from the knee down is all severely burnt, front and back . My right hand is scarred up , but it is a lighter color, mostly wrinked now .

So I tattooed my fingers, little paw prints, in honor of my 2 service dogs. The best way to descibe me is, a overweight, woman , with burn scars, some extreme, and lots of tattoos, + with a eyebrow piercing .

Of course their are these NEW thoughts and urges about where to Severely SI , and what. Of course that has been circling my head for months. JUst where to SI and do bodily harm. I won;t lie, it unpleasant even to write about, more so to read about I am sure .

What else am I suppose to do ? When always in a state of mind of numbness, disconnectiveness, and the voice i hear , is me, unrecognizable , at times.

IN nOw way is this post meant to trigger anybODY, and in now wya is this post meant to encourage SELF HARM!!! if u are triggered then PLEASE do not read my thread!!!

[SweetSue]

Hey cathy,

i promised you that i wouldnt read this thread, and i honestly have not ok.

I just wanted to say the following:

That you know where i am if you just need to vent or need a listening ear.

I truely hope that you feel a bit better soon.

Sending possitive thoughts your way in hope that in some small way that it helps,

keep strong hun , your a v.strong person with great will power and determination, and im sure that soon you will start to feel a little better,

take care cathy

your friend

sue

[mscat]

thank u Sue. Real tired today, but woke up early cause it got too hot inside.

Kept my son home anther day from school just because I hate it when he is away, and being alone is awful.

Someone mentioned ice cubes , I don't think that will do much for me, because I have these rituals surrounding Si, or i'll end up just reacting to the build up within myself, and go numb, not feel anything, and finally impulsively severely self injure, then I am even surprised at the amount of tissue damage that was done. Because that stuff gets everwhere, out of control quickly, too fast, and furious, not meaning to have the burns where they burned in more places. Example: last time it got on my hip area, + all the way to where my bra line was uncovered, yeah on my breasts , a little bit, even though I was done, thought everything was ok, that crap spread , onto places unintentional.

It is powerful, potent , and extreme . easily can get out of control , leaving lots of brunt areas of the skin, oddly this is what I was trying to do was to become back in control, and feel . However It does not always work that way. gets out of hand, and the more incidents that have occured the more worse the outcome has become .

That is why I am writing about it in here, because it is scary. Scary to be like that, and then end up with more then I "bargained" for. I can't stop it from happening, but after it is done , their is no turning back, it is not something that can be medically treated at home, and it is , not fun to have to talk to any doctor, ER docs are the worse.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Mscat,

You know, I still think that you would be better off getting outside, even for a short while, and allowing yourself the outside air and some outside scenery. I know how difficult that is for you but I also know it is worth the effort.

What do you think?

[mscat]

Hi Mscat,

You know, I still think that you would be better off getting outside, even for a short while, and allowing yourself the outside air and some outside scenery. I know how difficult that is for you but I also know it is worth the effort.

What do you think?

Thank you , Allen for your advice . I do manage to step out onto the balcony to smoke. Does that count? I have a large field facing my balcony, I love it. Nothing is there , but field. In the corner , on top of a hill people own horses. I love to hear the horses, but u can't always hear them.

My town is so small, that the quiet is wonderful here. the quiet is so nice, and it is how I function the most .

I get out , and the noise is extremely intense for me, so bad it hurts my ears. It was awful on Wed . I had a appointment to see my psychatrist. The cleaning lady was vaccuming, and that vaccume was like a bomb , I had to go out the door, and out the back door , to get away from the noise. I did not have a problem waiting for the DR. It was all the extra noise. I was able to talk to the doctor about it, and he suggested ear plugs. Ear plugs would bring the sound down by 20decimals. i am thinking about it!

Bright light is anther problem too. My apt place is dim, quiet , and nice for me. I set it up to the most relaxing way possible.

UNfortunately I do have to go to the bank today, out of town, the bank is , I really hate that. but, when it is absolutely necessary I am completey overwhlemed and feel forced to leave the safety of my home. Which makes the anxiety even greater knowing that i have no control over the issue .

Think I'll go out to smoke a ciggarette now, it calms me.

[Catmom]

I know your little Yorkie would love a walk! Just a short one would be appreciated, I'm sure

[malign]

Given the height of a Yorkie, wouldn't any walk be a short one? ;-)

[mscat]

Given the height of a Yorkie, wouldn't any walk be a short one? ;-)

ha , very funny Mark. I have a Shih Tzu pup, her legs are so short, when she runs and plays, she looks like a little mop . Seriously, her hair is long, and her stubby legs are so small. Now as for my precious Yorkie , Suzi . Yes, she is not that big, but taller then my baby Miely(shih Tzu)

They both need to finish being vaccinated, before going outside. One is needing her last set of shots, and the other boosters.

These two are my girls > They are a handful though. I love them with all my heart.

Of course my human child is #1 He's gone all daylong though, so it is difficult. The weather is still in the 90's here. when it cools off the wheels have been turning faster and faster towards a derailment. Too many things coming up that a full of stress, which in turn brings on the dissociative eposoides, then that becomes worse and worse. Everything then snowballs out of control .

MY response is to severely self harm. SI to bring inner peace . to calm all the inner turmoil, and the loss of not able to be connected to my own body. It is very difficult to explain what this is like, and how it feels , to be in pieces. Literally , separate, from my whole entire self, body even in pieces, much like a puzzle.

I often then will struggle with the nursery rhyme that will continue to replay itself over and over that I hear, HUMPTY DUMPTY SAT ON A WALL> very much what it is like for me, in that state of mind.

Do not know why ,or how it becomes this way, so it is confusing to even place into words , about what happens, just that I know how I respond . Respond to try and put myself back together again, and whole.

[OnlyHuman]

..................

Edited May 21, 2010 by OnlyHuman
..........

[malign]

Plus, it's not Humpty Dumpty's fault that he falls.

Instead of pushing him, this time, can you rescue him, Cathy?

He doesn't deserve to be smashed like that, and neither do you.

(My mother got a Lhasa Apso pup when my brother and I finally left the nest. She called it Mitzy and the way I could tell it wasn't a mop was the bow the groomer kept putting on her head ... She was my mother's baby for something like 14 years, until it was too hard for my folks, who were in their seventies by then, to lift her up and down the stairs any more.)

[SweetSue]

hey cathy

still have not read this thread. ok. i promised and well ive stuck to that promise, i hope that you are feeling a little better today, stay strong hun, you know where i am if you need anything .

please take good care of you,

your friend

sue

[mscat]

Plus, it's not Humpty Dumpty's fault that he falls.

Instead of pushing him, this time, can you rescue him, Cathy?

He doesn't deserve to be smashed like that, and neither do you.

(My mother got a Lhasa Apso pup when my brother and I finally left the nest. She called it Mitzy and the way I could tell it wasn't a mop was the bow the groomer kept putting on her head ... She was my mother's baby for something like 14 years, until it was too hard for my folks, who were in their seventies by then, to lift her up and down the stairs any more.)

Mark, what happened to Mitzy then?

A Shih Tzu is a cross between a Lhasa Apso and a Pekinise, creating it's own beautiful breed. Orginally from china these little dogs were royalty. They are so sweet and good natured. My little one will be 5months old in 4 days.

You have given me a lot to think about, Mark. I have not told anyone about the humpty dumpty that always plays back in my mind , before and after a major SI . Unsure how to just do that right now. Thank you for the different perspective.

You remember about me , from last yr's major SI , don't u ? I believe you do , and only a couple of others on here as well . It is a little embarrassing that I am still struggling with it once again, the same thoughts, and impulses , of yet again anther severe incident of SI, GOD how I feel like a piece of shit.

[SweetSue]

Hi cathy,

still not read this thread as promised ok. Just wanted to say that i know what you are going through at the moment, and i know how you are feeling , just to say dont give up hun ok. Keep strong and keep fighting

take care

sue

[mscat]

Thank u Sue, & to everyone who has helped me through these terrible SI problems . I am still in the process of understanding all of what and why I do these things to myself.

I have really good days and real bad days. Depression is a killer on the bad days. Today is a better day. thankfully. Holding onto what I can to stay positive, and stable. Mainly for my son.

His needs , as a developmentally disabled child and on the autistc spectrum, keeps me focused on his needs.

It is more difficult when my son is gone at school , then the numbness sets in, and the disconnection is there.

I feel guilty and ashamed to admit that some days I do not even sent him to school. For my own selfishness, I know it's wrong, not to send him to school, and he can stay at home sometimes, due to his special needs and in the type of program he is in.

However, I still feel guilty about it .

[finding my way]

Cathy I was so moved to read about your love for small children in your other thread . Can you dream with us about a non-numb holiday season for you, for your son, for your dogs, for the young child inside you? I am asking because I know the coming holidays are a major SI trigger for you. What would some fun things be for your little family?

[mabear]

Hope you hanging in there.