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Jokes anybody ?


SweetSue
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The three bears returned one sunny morning,from a stroll in the woods to find the door to their little cottage open.

Cautiously,they went inside,

after a while big daddy bears' deep voice boomed "who's been eating my porridge !"

mummy bear gave a yelp "whos' been eating my porridge !" she said.

Little baby bear rushed in "forget the porridge, someones nicked the d.v.d. Player !"

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Husband and wife get in a huge fight and give each other the silent treatment all night. Not about to give in, before heading to the sofa for the night he puts a note on the wife's bedside,

"I have a flight at 5 A.M. Please wake me up."

Next morning he wakes up on the sofa and looks at his watch. It is 8:30. He then sees a note on the coffee table; "Wake up asshole, it's 5:00"

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Guest ASchwartz

Grandmas don't know everything...

Little Tony was 7 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her :

'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sex, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

'Grandma, it isn't called sex. It's called Bunk Beds.

And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

Allan

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Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole, when his neighbour peered over the garden fence. Interested in what the cheeky faced youngster was up to he politely asked,

"What are you up to there Tim?"

"My Goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully without looking up, "And i've just burried him."

The neighbour was concerned, "Thats an awfully big hole for a Goldfish, isnt it ?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "Thats because hes inside your cat."

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  • 8 years later...

Okay here is mine 

A woman and three men in a carriage on a train all talking and soon becomes arousing so the woman goes 

"If you gentleman are kind enough and give me £5 I will show you a part of my leg"

 

There all give £5 and she shows them.part of her leg

So she says 

"if you gentleman are kind enough again and give me £10 I will show you part of my theigh" 

Same happens again her getting richer

She goes again and a third time

If you gentleman are kind enough again and give me £15 I will show you where I got my appendix taken out.

Same again their give her £15 and she points out the train window and says over there past the trees and past the mountains in that hospital that is where I got my appendix taken out :)

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  • 1 month later...

Three nuns go to heaven and meet St peter at the gate. So Peter goes before I let you in I need to ask.you each a question 

He goes to each one 

Peter - nun 1. What is the name of the first woman ?

Nun. Eve 

Peter says yes that is correct you are in

 

Peter - nun 2. What is the name of the first man ?

Nun 2. Adam 

Peter says yes that is correct you are in.

 

Then he says to the third one right since you are the mother superior I am afraid it has to be a little bit harder

 

Peter - mother superior. What did eve say when she first met Adam ?

Mother superior . ooh that's a hard one

Peter says yes that is correct you are in. :)

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